To become free, loose, untied

"We broke up," was all I could utter when I saw my best friend, Donato, approach me from the reflection of the window of his restaurant where I gazed at the busy road. It's funny how the world is busy and noisy yet I couldn't hear a sound, not even my own voice.

I didn't shed a tear, but I feel my heart tearing into pieces as Donato sat beside me, wrapping his arms around me, soothing the pain he didn't inflict. "You want a cake?" He softly asked that it made me chuckle. "It will be free, I promise."

"Will it be a chocolate cake?"

"Of course."

"I'll take it," a smile ghosted on my lips and he softly squeezed my right arm before he went back to get a cake. I'm incredibly lucky to have him as my best friend, especially this time when I didn't want to talk about what happened with my ex-boyfriend; Donato let me sit in silence when I needed peace for myself and he never pressured me to speak up when I'm still processing my thoughts.

He sometimes brought me food when I didn't have the energy to talk, when everything felt heavy and the weight of the world was on my shoulder; he was there to offer me a chocolate cake because it's my comfort food.

"Here's your chocolate cake, ma'am," Donato placed the plate with a smile and next to it are two glasses—one is filled with water and one is filled with red wine. "Enjoy your food."

"Thank you, Donny." I plastered a smile on him. As much as I wanted him to sit next to me, I can't do it; he has to work, even if he owns this restaurant; the place is crowded. "I can pay for this."

"You are welcome, Cy," Donato reciprocated the smile and I noticed a dimple on his cheek as he smiled. "And it's really on the house, Cy; you don't have to worry. Just enjoy your food and drinks. Just call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded at him and watched him turn his back on me; I gazed at the cake and began to take a massive bite, letting the flavor soothe me gently and healing the pain temporarily.

On my third bite, I can feel the tears of joy streaming down as I smile when I realize that after six years of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Zachary, I'm finally free. After everything I've been through with him, I'm finally cutting our connections.

It may have ended in a toxic breakup but it doesn't matter; he's toxic, we're toxic together and it's killing me day by day. It's a miracle that we lasted for six years and it's partly my fault for staying with him for six years. I couldn't just break up with him that easily; no matter how I wanted, I just couldn't do it. Maybe because I loved him even when all he did was to break me; I couldn't see my worth, nor did I even think I had one. With him I feel like I'm not in my own body. 

I may have loved him more than my own life; I may have lifted him up when all he did was put me down; I may have given him everything when he gave me nothing; I may have viewed him as my significant partner for me but viewed me as a prized possession. The breakup still affected me and it rips my heart and soul that tears couldn't overflow because it dried out after spending crying for him for six years.

His actions and words for our six years together altered my perception of love and of myself; he ruined the image of love for me; he ruined every good thing in this world; he ruined me, leaving me a vision of black and white in this world.

I did break loose from him but the ghost from the past will be with me for as long as I live; it will haunt me; it will be my shadow in the darkness; it will forever scar me that I couldn't look for the love that I deserve.