Dedicated to: spicygalia

“Sa corridor nalang pala tayo dumaan, init!”

The irritation I feel right now grows as my colleagues talked again. They’re so indecisive.

“Saan ba talaga? Gutom na gutom na ako,” agarang reklamo ko.

Tumawa lang ang dalawa at inakbayan pa ako. Mga hindi marunong makiramdam.

The final decision goes to the corridor. Medyo mabagal ang naging lakad namin kaya mas lalo lang akong nainis sa dalawang kasama.

“May mga engineering p’re!” ani pa ni Lester sabay kalabit kay Ryan, na nasasabik din sa nakikita.

They’re too obsessed with engineering girls.

Tsk.

Kumunot lang noo ko nang tumigil pa sila para magpapansin sa mga ito. They’re more than five engineering students in count. Malayo ang department ng mga criminology tulad namin sa engineering kaya bihira lang talaga namin sila nakikita.

“Ganda no’ng naka white.”

Pailing akong natawa sa bulong ng kasama. Sa bagot, I decided to leave them romanticizing with those girls, my stomach really need to be filled.

But then, when I’m about to take my step, my gaze inadvertently fell upon the woman they’re talking about.

She was standing amidst a sea of her colleagues, yet something about her drew me in with an irresistible force.

“P’re, una ka na muna. May titignan lang kami.”

Hindi ko magawang sumagot sa dalawa. I just stared at the woman who’s just enjoying her own company by looking at her phone. Despite not meeting her eyes, I found myself captivated by the mere sight of her.

It was as if time slowed down, allowing me to take in every detail of her presence. The soft curve of her shoulders, the way her fingers absentmindedly twirled a strand of hair - all of it painted a picture of effortless beauty that left me breathless.

Shit, ang ganda ganda.

Ngayon lang ako sobrang nagandahan sa isang babae...sa tanang buhay ko.

And I’m not lying about it.

She’s beyond beautiful. Mahaba ang medyo tuwid niyang buhok. Ang ganda ng hugis ng kanyang mukha. Her lips are very attractive, parang kapag napapatingin ka rito ay sarap halikan.

Gago, ba’t ko ba sinasabi ito.

But I can’t stop looking at her, especially in her eyes. She has that attractive eyes. I can’t tell what type it is. Basta ang masasabi ko lang ay...type ko siya.

Pinanood ko pa kung paano niya tinignan ang lalaking biglang lumapit sa kanya. I fought the urge not to eavesdrop them but I can’t. Nalaman ko lang, na may sini-ship na pala sa kanya. I also heard the name of the guy.

Ashton.

“P’re, tara na. Wala ng view, may class na ata sila.”

Even with that calls. Hindi pa rin ako gumalaw. Pinanood ko pa kung paano siya pumasok sa loob ng classroom nila. And after that, I finally took a step, even my body moved, ang isip ko ay nanatiling naiwan sa imahe niya. My heart pounded with a mixture of excitement and trepidation.

I longed to know her; she really caught my attention.

From this day, I can finally conclude...

...engineering students are really attractive.

“Daming maganda sa engineering,” saad ni Lester.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Daming maganda, at nakita ko na ang pinakamaganda.

From that day, I always insisted to make our way through the corridor. Nagbaba-sakaling madadaanan ko siya ulit.

My friends are already suspicious with my actions, till the day come...nagtanong na talaga sila.

“May pinopormahan ka ba rito, p’re? Sabihin mo lang tulungan ka namin,” panimula ‘yon ni Lester.

“True, halata e,” segunda naman ni Ryan.

I just give them a simple smile. Wala akong balak sabihin, panigurado puro asar lang matatanggap ko.

“Oy, Ryan ‘yong crush mo oh!”

I’m doing my best to ignore their annoyances, but this time hindi na kinaya ng curiosity ko.

Alam kong iyong babae ang pinag-uusapan nila kaya napalingon agad ako.

As I followed their gazes, I spot that woman I have a crush on. And from this hour, I hopefully assumed that they’re just crushing on her shallowly.

Because no, not her. She’s mine.

Will be mine.

“Kilala n’yo?” agarang tanong ko.

“Hindi e,” diretsong sagot ni Lester sabay tingin kay Ryan na abot langit na ang ngiti.

“Wala kayong balak alamin?” I didn’t expect to ask, it suddenly came out in my mouth.

Sabay pa ang dalawang napalingon sa akin at tumingin ng nakakaloko.

“Huwag mo sabihing crush mo rin p’re?”

“Ang isang Jhon Grey, magkaka-gusto?”

Without looking at them, I immediately nodded.

“Yes, and yes.”

It scared me to think, I finally like someone. Someone who's somewhat beyond my league. And it’s annoying to think because I have no shitty idea how to handle it. I can’t even go near her. I’ve tried many times on approaching her, pero paglingon niya pa lang sa banda ko ay napapayuko agad ako.

Nakaka-bading ampota.

World didn’t let me know her. Not even her name. Wala akong masagap ne isang impormasyon sa kanya. I can’t also ask my friends about it. I’m too afraid to let them know my stupid obsession.

Till the day comes, na hindi ko na siya nakikita sa campus. Mas nadagdagan pa ang pagkadismaya ko nang nagka-pandemic. Ayon, mas nawalan ng chance na masilayan siya.

“P’re, may i-re-reto kami sa ’yo.”

My hopes end but my annoyance with this two didn’t. Pinagtutulakan lang naman nila ako sa isang kapwa criminology and the thing is, the woman is from the extension campus.

“Go mo na p’re, para mawala na rin sa isip mo ‘yong si Ms. Engineering. Need mo magtuon sa bagong magugustuhan.”

With those words, medyo napaisip ako. I also need distraction, ayoko ng ganitong feeling.

That girl is too high to reach.

She’s like the star in the sky shining while I’m just here at the bottom looking up to her like an ordinary ash.

Tama. Isa lang akong abo na nabubuhay.

Hindi dapat ako nangangarap sa isang katulad niya.

And maybe, I also need an experience about this thing. So, I unexpectedly grab it.

Not knowing, we are going to click with the girl they’re referring to and also end my relationship to that girl after a year.

Her name is Crystal.

After our break-up, I decided to visit my hometown...maybe to give also myself a break.

I honestly slowly learned to love Crystal, but maybe...dadating talaga ang araw na mawawala ang pagmamahal na ‘yon. Yeah, she fell out of love.

I’m already committed to her that time, but maybe there’s a reason why I didn't end up with her.

And as I head my way back, I finally knew the reason why.

In an unexpected situation, location and time.

Nakita ko ulit ang unang babaeng nagustuhan ko.

She’s with her mom and it’s like they’re from the same place as mine...well obviously.

Inayos ko ang sarili even knowing I’m just nothing to her. Hindi naman niya ako kilala. And she’s also busy talking something with her mother.

Ang daldal niya and I love it. I love how I hear her voice right now.

At shit, bakit magkatabi kami ng higaan. Sa lahat ng pasahero? Destiny na ba ‘to?

I steal glances on her as she talked.

She didn’t change...she’s still effortlessly beautiful.

As I look at her, bumalik lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Bumalik lahat ng interes ko at agad akong napailing.

Kahit gaano pa siya kalapit sa akin ngayon, hindi niya pa rin ako kilala, hindi niya alam na nag-e-exist ako, hindi niya alam kahit pangalan ko.

Hindi pa rin mababago ang pagiging isang abo ko sa isang katulad niya.

We’re sitting across from each other, and I bet she noticed me staring at her a hundred times, but she never said anything. She still continued talking to her mother.

Mukha pa siyang confused sa nagiging gestures ko kaya tinigilan ko na.

A small part of me was ashamed. I just hoped she wouldn’t give a meaning to that glances. Normal lang ‘yon kasi magkaharap kami ngayon.

Pero parang hindi na ata normal na kahit pababa na kami ng barko ay hinintay ko pa talaga siya na maunang makababa.

Hoooh, ang lapit lapit.

I can even smell her scent. She smells like a baby. At ngayon ko lang napagtanto na medyo matangkad pala talaga siya. But our height difference is too perfect.

I hope she didn’t notice this stupid action of mine. Kahit hanggang sa makalabas kami ng port ay hinanap talaga siya ng mga mata ko.

I spotted them heading to the bus. And I found my feet instantly moving towards them. Nang maka-akyat sa loob, nasulyapan ko agad sila kaya sinadya kong umupo sa may likod ng seats niya.

Am I too obvious?

We’re parted by a bus seat kaya pinapakiramdaman ko nalang ang presensya niya. Bumilis pa ang kaba ko nang bigla niyang hinila ang kurtina sa banda ko.

I don’t know what to do. Medyo nawawala ang pagiging kalmado ko. But I braced myself to talk.

This is my chance.

I help her pulled the curtain that really belongs to her seat. Inipon ko pa ang lakas ko bago nagbitiw ng salita.

“This is how it works.”

Gusto ko bumuga ng hininga sa sobrang kabang nararamdaman. This is our first interaction at kasama niya pa ang mama niya.

I don’t even know her reaction after that. I didn’t receive any respond from her but I think, it’s better. Wala na rin akong lakas pa for another interaction.

And I finally knew her name.

Mazie.

Even her name is so pretty.

“Kanina mo pa tinitignan ‘yan, sino ba ‘yan?”

I was just stalking the girl I like who unexpectedly added me nang magsalita ang tita ko. Halos magwala ang loob ko. Nakita lang naman niya ang mukha ng babaeng kinahuhumalingan ko.

“Mazie Kaye Hernandez?” basa niya sa pangalan nito.

She’s still looking at the screen

“Ang ganda, accept mo na.”

I pursed my lips to hold my smile. Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi niya sa akin. Nataranta pa ako nang kunin niya ang phone sa kamay ko.

Siya na mismo ang nag-accept.

“You don’t need to do that, Tita. Kahit hindi mo sabihin talagang i-a-accept ko ‘yan, kahit pa sa buhay ko.”

Bigla siyang humahagikhik at kinurot ang tagiliran ko. “Binata na ang pamangkin ko. Pormahan mo na ‘to tas pakilala mo sa ‘min.”

I don’t know but I feel too overwhelmed with those words. Hindi ko alam kung sabik lang talaga silang magka-nobya ulit ako o gustong-gusto nila ang babae.

Either of the two. I’m always hoping this is start of the love story with my ultimate crush.

I was still confused how she finds my account! Ako dapat ang mag-a-add sa kanya.

Kilala na ba niya ako? Nag-e-exist na ba ako sa buhay niya? Paano niya ako nahanap? At bakit hinahanap niya ako kung ganoon?

Ang daming tanong.

But one thing I can be sure of, after I passed this licensure exam.

I’ll make a move.

At mapapatanong nalang talaga ako. Kung ano bang nagawa ko dati bakit sinu-swerte ako ngayon.

I passed the licensure exam, but the most accomplishing is...SHE CONGRATULATED ME.

Shit, panalong panalo.

Her:
baka may naalala kang nakasabay mo sa barko? idk if u recognize me.

“Hindi ka ba nangangalay kaka-ngiti?”

Mas lalo lang lumawak ang ngiti ko sa asar na ‘yon ni Tita. I want to burst it out. How can I hide my excitement?

She noticed me that time! She recognized me! She knows me! Hooh, ang saya!

Me:
wait nakasabay kita sa barko?

Ipinagkaila ko lahat.

I want to punch my face with that response. I shouldn’t say those.

Na-to-torpe na naman ako.

Wrong move.

I contemplated all my words and all I can say is...napakagago ko. So, at the end, inamin ko na rin na napansin ko rin siya noong time na ‘yon.

If only she knew. I’ve been noticing her for years.

Her:
kilala mo ‘yong matangkad do’n na ka-batch mo?

Our conversation went smoothly not until she changed to this topic. She’s talking about Ryan. And I don’t get it why I’m annoyed.

Bigla kong natanong sa sarili. Is Ryan better than me? Mas attractive ba siya? Mas crushable? O ano? Tangina nababaliw na ako.

Me:
yeah, he’s my friend, type mo?

Her:
haha iba ang type ko

And that reply quickly change my mood. I smiled. Is it me?

And my mood switch again in annoyance thinking it's Lester.

Hayst, sino ba kasi type mo crush!

Her:
hindi ako naka-graduate

Pinakiramdam ko ang pagbabago ng mood niya sa chat nang mapunta roon ang pag-uusap namin. I did a wrong move again. Hindi ko dapat sinabi ‘yon. I shouldn’t be too insensitive with that thing. Na-pi-pressure ko lang siya sa tanong na ‘yon.

I’d always considered myself as an observer. But when it comes to her, I lost my other attention. Hindi ko na namalayang naghihirap din pala siya with her chosen course.

After that day, medyo naging mailap na siya sa social media. I was the last chat at hindi ko na rin siya ma-chat ulit. Nahihiya akong istorbohin siya. Maybe because I can feel that she wants more time to herself. Baka gusto niya munang mapag-isa.

Still, I tried to find ways to chat with her. I randomly send her audio clip and such.

After months of feeling her absence. My heart was overjoyed when we finally decided to meet in person.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Wala ‘yon sa plano ko pero hindi ko na rin gustong magsayang ulit ng chance para sa babaeng gusto ko.

My Tita even decided what outfit should I wear kasi nawawala na naman ako sa pagiging kalmado. She also giving me advices how to deal with a girl on a first date na parang hindi ko naranasan magka-jowa sa buong buhay ko.

As I head to our meeting place. I was lost in my own thoughts when I saw her entering the entrance of the park.

Nang lumapit siya sa akin, para akong mahimlay nang maamoy ko ang buhok niya lalo na no’ng tumabi siya sa akin.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Mazie.” I started.

I’m so nervous that I even let her greeted me first na dapat ay ako ang gumawa.

How could someone look so pretty without even trying? Ne hindi ako makaiwas ng tingin. But when our gazes locked. I felt like my heart is mobilizing inside. Her eyes are shining and when she smiles, I noticed her one dimple on her left cheek.

Shit.

Ang ganda ganda talaga.

Buong usapan ay wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang magpigil ng kaba. I’m so conscious with my looks, with my actions, with my words. Ngayon lang ako na-conscious ng ganito.

We just talked about my job application and my decision after the result. I just couldn’t think of another topic kasi ang tanging masasabi ko lang ay kung gaano siya kaganda.

I really want to get to know her, but my system won’t let me. I’m fucking shy.

But I don’t know how our topic goes with our past relationship. She’s really good at handling conversation.

“What if naghintay siya? Pinanghawakan niya ‘yong sinabi mo?”

I’m thrilled why she’s curious about my past. Does it affect her? Tell me if she’s been worrying about that and I can assure her that before my past...she’s been the first woman I’m in love with.

Walang papantay sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

Sadyang pinagkaitan lang kami ng tadhana dati kaya napunta pa kami sa pansalamantalang mga tao.

Sound selfish but I really want her to be my last.

“I also told her that. I also won’t close my heart.”

She shrugged. “Kung kayo talaga, kayo talaga. If not, then may mas better na dadating.”

My lips parted with her words. I’m amazed how she can foresee what I wanted to tell.

This is what I mean.

“S-same with me, I’m just waiting for the guy who’s willing to pursue me someday. Then if wala, okay lang. Travel nalang ko around the world.”

I laughed inside knowing how she can pull everyone sa mukha niya palang and everyone will surely fall harder if they get to know her.

And I won’t let that happen. Ayoko na ng madaming kaagaw.

“You’re pretty, I know someone will.”

And I’m that someone.

I will wait until pwede na.

“You know, it’s not all about the looks,” she only responded.

I glanced at her. Sighing in thoughts on how can I tell her that she’s not only has the looks...she got everything I’ve been praying for.
Mas lalo lang akong nahulog after I test her thoughts about love. And now I’m falling harder than I thought. She got it right.

Even myself can’t resist to pinched her cheeks out of amusement.

“Nice taste, anak,” pang-aasar ni Papa sa video call nang i-kwento sa kanya ni Tita si Mazie.

Napangiti lang ako.

“Sigurado ka bang mapapasagot mo ‘to ‘pag niligawan mo?” segundang asar ni Mama.

Tumawa silang dalawa. Diretso akong pumasok ng kwarto at nangingiting binasa ang convo naming dalawa.

And suddenly that question of my mother stopped me.

Would I really make her mine?

Feels like all of this are just my imagination. Parang hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala.

Hanggang tingin lang ako sa kanya rati. I just can’t believe everything that happened.

I really want to court her but maybe not this time. Bawal pa siya, it’s between me and her parents. And I can wait, hihintayin ko siya.

Ginugol ko ang sarili sa pag-iisip ng desisyon sa magiging buhay ko. If I should stay here or go back to my hometown at doon na magtrabaho. That’s the time, my parents called me and offer me a temporary job.

Before I could decide. Mazie came up in my thoughts. Kaya agad kong chi-neck ang convo namin dalawa. Nagulat nalang ako nang hindi na ako maka-message.

Bi-nlock niya ako?

Buong gabi ay iyon ang gumugulo sa isip ko. Nadagdagan pa ‘yon nang biglang may nag-pop-up na notification sa phone.

Crystal mentioned you in a post.

Post:
langyang ex, hindi na nasundan

My friends mentioned me and joined the chafed. I don’t know what to feel. Wala naman akong dapat ikabahala. But still, there’s a part of me want to take down that post.

It’s bothering me.

Is this the reason why Mazie blocked me? Or it’s just my imagination.

Definitely, the latter.

That post of Crystal turned down. She maybe realized how publicized her post was. Maraming nagsasabi na baka gusto na niya ng comeback o baka nga magkabalikan kami sa post na ‘yon. Most of the comments is ‘nangangamoy comeback’.

I want to. Napamahal din ako sa kanya. Pero iba na e.

We’re honestly okay. She’s still part of my life, but she’s no longer the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

“Final na ba talaga ‘yang desisyon mo Grey?”

I nodded as my respond to my tita. Nakapag-desisyon na ako na umuwi na sa amin.

Mahirap. Kasi hindi ko kayang malayo sa babaeng gusto ko pero hindi ko rin ma-imagine ang sarili kong tumambay nalang dito.

I can’t still reach her. Hihintayin ko nalang ang pagbabalik niya.

Me:
did you block me last time?

After months. Fortunately, nagawa ko ng makapag-message sa kanya.

Her:
no i just deactivated messenger

Ilang buwan ko na ring hindi siya naka-usap. And I’m glad, she didn’t block me. I’m only imagining things.

And honestly...

...I miss her.

Me:
i thought you blocked me

Her:
prelims kasi kaya nag-focus lang muna sa review

I sighed before copying the link I got from tiktok. Na miss ko siya...at mas lalo ko siyang mami-miss kapag nakaalis na ako.

Me:
sent tiktok link

Her:
ano ‘to? wala akong load

Napatawa nalang ako dahil napaka-wrong timing ng pagkakataon. Epic fail e. So, I sighed again and fought the urge not to stand here at my seat & come to their house to hug her.

Me:
farewell maze

Me:
can we see each other before i leave?

seen

Nakatutok lang ako sa phone after kong i-chat ‘yon habang naghihintay ng message niya. Pero ilang oras na ang nakalipas, wala pa rin akong reply na natanggap.

I dropped my phone and stood up. Pumunta muna akong kusina para uminom ng tubig. Medyo kabado na naman ako.

Saktong pagbalik ko, nag-chat sa akin ang mga ka-barkada kong kalapit lang ng boarding house nila Mazie.

I told them my plan to leave at gusto nila munang mag-bonding kami bago ako umuwi.

As I arrived, si Mazie agad ang hinanap ng mata ko. Nagbabasakaling makita ko siya sa labas ng bh nila.

“Ba’t parang nagdadalawang-isip ka ata p’re, may ayaw ka bang iwan dito?”

Asar ‘yon ni Lester. Sinuportahan naman ‘yon ni Ryan. I acted unbothered. Gustuhin ko mang manghingi ng advice sa kanila. Hindi pa rin kaya ng guts ko.

When I got home. Para akong nanalo sa lotto nang mag-reply na siya sa alok ko.

She said okay. Magkikita kami!

As the day has arrived, and now I’m preparing for the final moment.

Mas lalo lang akong nagdalawang-isip sa desisyon ko nang makita ko siya.

Her:
sa’n ka banda?

She chatted while wandering around.

A sudden thought made up.

Sa ganda niya, impossibleng walang pumipila.

What if may magkakagusto sa kanyang magugustuhan niya rin?

Sana hindi pa huli ang lahat, kapag ready na akong ligawan siya.

And I immediately shook my head. Kung kami ang para sa isa’t-isa, kami talaga.

I looked at her back and smiled while typing my reply.

Me:
sa likod mo

As soon as she saw my reply. She finally turned her back and smiled after she saw me.

I approached her. I don’t know what to say. Bigla nalang sumagi sa isip ko ang KTV. That’s the only place na ma-so-solo ko siya.

“Kumakanta ka ba, Maze?”

She stopped.

“Ako?” she asked confusedly pointing herself.

And so, I giggled. “Sino pa ba ibang Maze rito?”

She made a face...and I’m amazed how adorable her expressions are to me.

“Mazie ang pangalan ko, kailan ka pa nag-Maze sa akin ha, Jhon?"”

“Wala lang, it suits you.”

Gulat ngayon ang mukha niyang napatingin sa akin.

“Bakit?”

Too many reasons.

Because I get lost in your eyes every time, I look at you.

Because you have me wandering through twists and turns just to get to you.

Because I can’t find the way out of thinking about you.

Because every time I try to find a way in, I end up falling for you even more.

Because you’ve got me completely puzzled over how to win your heart.

I’m happily lost in your beauty.

“We’ll not talk about it now, kain muna tayo. Tara sa Mcdo, treat ko.”

“Maganda oh!”

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay dumeretso muna kami rito sa Mall para mamili ng maleta. Habang abala sa pamimili ay bigla niyang isinigaw iyon. Agad naman akong napatingin sa kanya.

“Saan ka ba nakatingin?” gulo niyang tanong.

I smiled. I actually not into pickup lines but I can’t resist to compliment her through this.

“Sa maganda,” salita ko.

I noticed how she got shy after my words. And so, I chuckled.

Effective.

“Iyong m-maleta k-kase. Ganda ‘di ba? Iyan na dalhin mo.”

I just shooked my head. “Kung pwede lang ikaw dalhin ko.”

She hid her face against me. Para na ring nagwawala ang loob ko sa kaba. Hindi ako sanay. At natutuwa akong medyo epektibo naman ang mga ginagawa ko.

I love how she reacts.

“Kanina ka pa ah, hindi porket aalis ka kailangan mong gawin sa ‘kin ‘to,” she cutely complaint.

“I’m just stating the obvious.”

“At sa maleta mo pa talaga ako pinagkompara?”

This time, I laughed.

Shit, ang cute. Sarap iuwi.

“Kahit saan kita i-kompara, mas maganda ka.”

And I mean it.

Simula siguro ng makilala ko siya, wala na akong nakitang ibang mas maganda. Admittedly, hindi naman ako magsisinungaling na marami talagang maganda pero dahil mata ko ‘to.

I can say that she’s the prettiest of them all.

We’re at the counter now, and I chose the suitcase she suggested.

As we were about to leave, a song we both knew suddenly played. We looked at each other and shared a smile.

“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise...~”

I started singing, syncing with the song. Letting my inner thoughts our through lyrics.

“This world that I found is too good to be true~” she continued.

Nang matuloy kami sa KTV. I sang her a song that fits her. Ito lang ang bagay na mai-i-offer ko sa kanya sa ngayon. I know she loves music and I want to offer her a song before I leave. I watch her from across the room, her smile brightening the dimly little space like the first rays of dawn.

She doesn’t notice my feelings, not really, not in the way I’d like her to. But that’s okay.

I continued singing, pretending to be engrossed in the meaningful lyrics I singed, but my eyes keep drifting back to her.

There’s a grace to her movements, an unspoken rhythm that draws everyone in. She speaks with a passion that makes her eyes sparkle, and I find myself wishing I had the courage to tell her how I feel.

But what’s the point? I’ll be gone soon, off to another city, another life.

It’s not that I haven’t tried to convince myself to stay. Every smile she gives, every fleeting glance in my direction, makes me reconsider. But I can’t.

My future is set.

So, I watch from the sidelines, a silent admirer, knowing that in a few short weeks, I’ll be nothing more than a memory.

I finished the song and stand up, forcing a smile as I say my goodbyes. She catches my eye one last time, and I nod, hoping she sees the unspoken words in my gaze.

“I don’t know when I start falling for you. I just did. I am grateful in a fraction of a moment... we meet. Farewell...Jhon. I’ll miss you.”

She confessed.

I didn’t expect it.

Hence, I turn away, walking down outside the bar, the distance between us growing with each step.

I’m falling too, Maze. Falling harder than you think.

Maybe in another chances, I think. But not now.

“Ma, parang gusto ko na mag-resign. Maybe, it’s time to pursue again my degree. Mag-a-apply ulit ako sa Davao.”

Years passed, and I threw myself into my temporary work. My life only swirl in meetings, deadlines, and late nights.

And no matter how many monies I stacked up, there was always an emptiness gnawing at me.

It was her. It was always her.

“Ikaw bahala ‘nak. Nandito lang kami para sumuporta sa desisyon mo. Natapos mo na ang obligasyon mo sa amin, salamat sa ‘yo at nabayaran na namin ang utang namin. Ngayon isipin mo na ang sarili mo. Do whatever makes you happy.”

As soon as she hugged me. Napag-desisyonan ko na agad ang gagawin.

Babalik ako sa lugar kung saan malapit ako sa kanya.

I really tried to forget her and erase her in my memory. Yet, every laugh echoed hers, every glint of sunlight reminded me of her smile.

I replayed our last moments in my mind, her eyes catching mine across the room, her laughter ringing in my ears. I wondered if she ever thought of me, if I was just a fleeting memory to her as well.

I hope it’s not too late.

But I think it is.

It’s her graduation day. Sobrang saya ko nang malaman ‘yon. She finally did it! After doubts, nagawa niyang makatapos sa ganoon kahirap na kurso.

She’s really something. She can turn impossible to possible. And I’m beyond proud.

I was about to congratulate her but I stopped when I saw her stories.

Someone gives her a bouquet, na dapat sana ay ako.

I missed her. I missed the way she made everything seem brighter. But it’s my fault. Kasalanan ko rin naman bakit nakatagpo siya ng iba. Kasi hawak ko na nga, pinakawalan ko pa. Malapit na sana, lumayo pa.

I knew it was a long shot. She could have moved on, found someone who stayed.

“Mag-re-resign ka na?”

I nodded.

But I still had to know. I had to see if there was still a chance, even a small one, that we could relight what I had let slip away.

Hindi pa naman sure kong boyfriend niya ‘yon. Baka manliligaw lang. Baka admirer niya lang.

I already know her.

And I can still feel that I still have a chance.

I had read through the facebook page that she had written a book. And I immediately read the content before I departed.

And fortunately, as soon as I arrived. She was having a book signing in that day, and it seemed like the perfect excuse to see her again.

I drove back, my mind a swirl of excitement and dread.

Still can’t process the story of the book she wrote.

The bookstore was crowded, filled with people eager to meet her as an author.

Nag-cr muna ako bago siya muling harapin. As always, kabado ulit ako kapag iniisip kong i-me-meet ko siya. Para akong sasabog sa kaba.

I was about to step when I suddenly heard her voice talking to someone. My whole body stopped. Can’t even take a single step and turned to see her face after a long time.

Nakita ko nalang ang sariling nakikinig nalang sa kanila.

And I heard that name again.

That Ashton guy.

“I read the story,” that guy mouthed.

“Thank you, then.”

“Semi-reality? Is that guy named Gray real, or just a product of your imagination?”

“What is it to you, Ashton?”

I'm alarmed with the tone of her voice. And I pursed my fist when I heard that the guy just laughed.

“Hindi siya totoo ‘di ba? Pathetic.”

Wth.

Sino sinasabihan niya ng pathetic?

I pursed my fist again out of irritation and gaged.

“Totoo man o hindi. I’m still thankful I didn’t end up with you both in my story and in real life.”

“And still you end up alone in real life.”

When I feel Mazie already left the place. Agad akong nagpakita sa lalaki bago pa ito makaalis.

And there I saw his face.

I just stared throughout his soul. Wondering how Mazie linked with this guy.

“I don’t like the way you talk to Mazie.” I started maintaining my straight face.

“And who are you?”

I took a step forward and looked at him for the second time.

“I’m that Gray, the man he deserved.”

I felt a surge of determination; nothing would get past me. I was ready to protect her, no matter what.

After I said those, I leave him in his silent position and head to the book. signing room.

I waited in line, clutching a copy of her book, my heart pounding in my chest. As I inched closer, I caught glimpses of her. She looked the same, yet different-more grounded, more certain.

Finally, it was my turn. She glanced up, ready to greet another fan, but her smile faltered when she saw me. Her eyes widening in surprise pero binawi rin niya.

“Hi.”

My voice barely above a whisper.

Iyan lang ang nasabi ko sa dami ng gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na inensayo ko pa kanina sa biyahe.

I’m overwhelmed and nervous.

She stared at me for a moment, a mixture of emotions flickering across her face. Then, without a word, she stood up and walked around the table, pulling me into a hug.

And god, it felt like coming home.

“Whatever your reason is. I missed you,” she whispered into my ear, her voice trembling slightly.

The bookstore around us faded away, and all that mattered was that we were together again.

Suddenly, the bookstore was bustling with cheer for what they found out.

My heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

But after seeing her right now, I knew I had to take a chance. I don't want to lose it again.

I clutched her book tightly, my palms sweaty. When the hug release. I saw her smile, the one that always made my heart race.

“I missed you more than you think. I love your book. Could you sign my copy?”

She laughed and nodded, her smile widening.

“Of course,”

As she opened the book to the title page, I quickly slipped the note I had written inside. She paused, noticing the piece of paper, and glanced up at me, curiosity in her eyes.

“Could you turn to the last page?” I asked, my voice betraying a hint of nervousness.

She frowned slightly but complied, flipping to the back of the book. I watched her eyes scan the page, and then she froze. Her eyes darted back to me, wide and searching.

“I can finally ask this. My full name is Jhon Grey Cilerio, pwede na ba akong maging Gray ng buhay mo?”

The last sentence I had written.
For a moment, the world seemed to stop. She looked up, her expression a mix of surprise and something else-something hopeful.

“Bakit” She paused.

Kinakabahan sa susunod niyang sasabihin pero hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa maaaring isasagot niya.

“Bakit naman hindi.” She continued, teary-eyed.

A slow smile spread across my face, one that made my heart leap.

Relief and joy flooded through me. As the room buzzed around us, all I could see was her, and the promise of something amazing just beginning.

It’s funny how things turn out. I spent so long chasing after her, always just out of reach, always dreaming. She was everything I wasn’t-bright, confident, untouchable. And now, here I am, reduced to a pile of ashes in her hands.

As she lay in my arms, a strange sense of peace washes over me.

“I thought this day wouldn’t come. Alam mo bang matagal ko ng hinintay na mangyari ang senaryong ito.”

She holds me gently, almost reverently, and for a brief moment, I feel connected to her in a way I never did in life.

In my final form, I realize there’s a certain beauty in becoming ashes.

All the complexities, the anxieties, the relentless pursuit-gone, leaving only the essence of what I once was.

“I just waited for the right time,” I said softly. “And I’m thankful it’s not too late. I love you, Maze. Thank you for waiting.”

She reached out, gently placing her hand over mine, stopping me mid-sentence.

“No, thank you for loving me back.”

Her words wrapped around my heart, squeezing it in the best way possible. I couldn’t help but smile, my eyes meeting hers with a mixture of relief and joy.

“I’ve already loved you before you could.”

Her gaze softened, and in that moment, everything felt perfectly aligned.

We had found our way to each other, through shy glances and unspoken words, and now, standing here in this bustling bookstore, our story was just beginning.

The future was an open book, and we were ready to write our own pages, together.

The end...of the beginning.