Dedicated to: Anneyiie

I smiled in pain as I continuously scrolled on feeds.

Giving heart of it. Congratulating them in my head.

Everyone’s making a leap.

And here I am, struggling to take even a single step. My chosen path suddenly seems burden, demanding three times the effort for every push. Each day involves intense review, sacrificing my summer rest and locking myself in my room to study for a day and night.

And despite giving my all, it feels insufficient, and the temptation to give up dominates.

Then...

...I come across my diary, re-reading how my past self eagerly hoped for a brighter future, anchoring myself to the pursuit of happiness and success.

Magiging successful din ako. Giginhawa rin ang buhay namin. Mabibigyan ko rin ang pamilya ng magandang buhay. Mabibilhan ko rin si Papa ng magarang kotse. Mabibigyan ko rin si Mama ng budget pang-negosyo. Mapapag-aral ko rin ang mga kapatid ko sa kolehiyo.

Makakapag-travel din ako. Mabibili ang lahat ng gusto. Sasaya rin ako.

Magiging engineer din ako!

A bitter smile crosses my face. Sinulat ko ba talaga ‘to?

I can’t let down my past self. Failing is not an option. I will get up again. I’ll give another shot.

Perhaps, I haven’t given my best before, but I’ll push myself harder now.

It’s a now or never.

Achieving the goal might take time, but I am willing to wait. I will patiently wait for my turn.

Jhon replied to your story:
are you still into anime?

I moved, didn’t expect Jhon is still there and still contacting me. Nag-myday lang ako ng anime na pinapanood kapag nag-ri-rest ako sa pagri-review.

And now he’s replying.

Me:
ahh yeah. i already finished demon slayer, i-susunod ko na black clover.

Jhon: haha nice
Jhon: btw, congrats

Me:
para saan?

I stiffed.

Gulping my own thoughts. My own prediction na siguro akala niya ay naka-graduate ako. Ayokong magtugon. Ayokong sabihin sa kanya. Ngunit ayoko ring maging bastos at magsinungaling.

Jhon: sa graduation mo
Jhon: hindi ka na nag-b-bh?

Me:
hindi ako naka-graduate haha

I laughed to myself how I manage to sound cool after all. Knowing I’m crying every night about it.

Jhon:
advance, then.

He just said.

Hindi parin alam kung may magi-greet din siya in advance. Wala pa ring kasiguraduhan ang lahat.

Me:
i’m still not sure if i’ll graduate next year.

Jhon:
ilang subjects nalang?

Me: 5 plus our capstone project
Me: hbu? what are you up to?

I asked dropping the main topic. I don’t want to talked about it.

Jhon: i was busy complying requirements for applying jobs
Jhon: but u can still request that subjects, right? this sem?

But he’s consistent on asking. And I can’t do anything with that, aside from replying.

Me:
yeah pera ngayon ang problema. siguradong malaki babayaran namin sa mga requested subs.

Jhon:
how much? 10k?

Me:
bakit? sagot mo? haha

I laughed and immediately typed the most serious reply.

Me:
60k daw e, major instructor kasi. ta’s divide lang namin kung ilan kami mag-re-request. pag maraming mag-re-request the more na makaka-save kami. haha ang hirap bumagsak

Jhon: haha if only i have much money
Jhon: i know you can do it:)

And I smiled. Yeah, I know I can do it or...maybe not.

I don’t know.

Nina:
girls may mga debar daw huhu

I’m enjoying my conversation with Jhon when suddenly Nina chatted. I don’t know what she’s talking about so I typed to ask, ngunit naunahan na ‘ko ni Freza.

Freza:
anong debar?

Nina:
debarment, nasa student manual.

Shaine:
ano meaning? hindi ko na mahanap ‘yong manual ko.

Nina:
meaning hindi ka pwedeng mag-enroll for a year! university wants u to rest for a year!

Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. It means magsi-6 years pa kami kapag na debar man kami?

No way.

Me:
bakit na debar? anong basehan? sana naman ‘di tayo ‘yan.

Nina:
kapag hindi nakaabot ng 76% ang passing rate mo last sem.

Shaine:
gosh andami nating naibagsak. kaya pa ba umabot sa 76% ‘yan?

Nina:
that’s what i’m wishing for. ayoko ng mag 6 years!

Jastine finally showed up at our gc. Alam kong namo-mroblema rin.

Sayang lang ang ilang buwan kung pag-ri-review kung hindi naman pala ako makakapag-enroll.

Jastine:
punta tayo school toms, tignan natin kung ano ang standing natin.

Shaine:
kinakabahan ako.

Freza:
(2)

Jastine:
hindi talaga para sa ‘tin ang course na ‘to kung ma debar man tayo.

Me:
hys

Akala ko okay na. Akala ko kaya pa ‘tong idaan sa tiyaga. Pero anong magagawa mo, kung sinasabi na ng mundo na hindi talaga para sa ‘yo ang isang bagay na pinilit mong pangarapin.

That’s the case to some of our classmates.

Nagtungo kami sa university kinabukasan and head to our adviser that was also Engr. Gerald. Hindi kami made-debar. Nakatuntong kami sa 76% na kailangan. Ngunit hindi namin makukuha ang lahat ng subjects.

9 units lang puwede naming kunin. No choice pero thankful pa rin na hindi kami pagpahingahin ng isang taon.

Ano nalang gagawin ko sa loob ng taon na ‘yan kung nagkataon.

Bagsak ang balikat namin ni Jastine na manatili muna sa boarding house niya. Hindi na ako nag-board kaya makikisawsaw muna ako sa kwarto nila ngayon.

While sipping my shake na binili namin kanina biglang nag-popped up ang message ni Jhon sa taas ng notification.

It’s already 7:30 PM. Nagpaalam ako kina Mama na rito na muna matulog dahil aasikasohin namin mamaya ang hindi na nagalaw na capstone project.

Jhon:
i’m at bh. visiting my friends. nasa’n ka ngayon?

Bigla akong napatayo sa impormasyon na ‘yon. Nabigla rin si Jastine at lito ang mukhang napaharap sa akin.

“W-wala... may nalimutan lang sa labas,” nasabi ko.

I quickly typed a reply. What a right timing it is.

Me:
i’m here at the bh also

I hope. I just hope, he’ll say he wants to meet me right now!

Jhon:
so yeah? haha ano na

I smiled widely. Nagtago pa ako sa ilalim ng deck para hindi ‘yon makita ni Jastine.

Me:
haha what? i’m free.

Typing palang siya ay hindi na mapakali ang puso ko sa maaari niyang sasabihin.

Oh my god, why am I so intense?

I’m excited yet nervous. This will be the second time we’ll meet in person and I’m not yet ready, but I don’t want to pass this chance.

Kahit na hindi ako confident sa ayos ko ngayon!

Jhon:
me too haha, then let’s meet?

Gusto kong mangisay sa kilig pero hindi ko magawa-gawa. I typed ‘yes’ at wala sa oras na napatayo at naghanap ng polbo at lipstick sa bag. Hindi ako marunong mag-make up kaya siguro ayos na ‘to.

“Saan ka pupunta?” Jastine suddenly asked.

Napaharap ako sa kanya habang naglalagay ng lipstick. Then she threw me a grinning look.

“May ka meet-up ka ‘no? Nako Mazie, ako malalagot sa Papa mo kapag nabuntis ka—"

Hindi na niya natuloy ang sasabihin nang tinapunan ko na siya ng unan. Tumawa lang siya at nag-ulit pa ng sasabihin.

Pambihirang babae, anong akala niya sa ‘kin.

“Sa public kami, kung ano-ano iniisip mo. At hindi ako ganoong babae bwesit ka, mapagkakatiwalalan din itong ka-meet up ko ‘no!” I defend myself.

She just laughed. “Malay ko ba, sino ba ‘yan?”

My smile has returned. I’ve shared with her the story about the guy and how our love story is so romantic. When we meet at the ship without knowing each other’s names, and then meeting again.

It’s incredibly romantic and unique. I’m feeling it.

“Si barko guy.” I just said and I know she already knew who I am talking about.

Her eyes widened. “Omg, ‘yong pogi? Sanaol!”

I just give her an unending smile at nagpatuloy ng mag-ayos.

“Ganyan lang itsura mo? Hindi ka mag-mi-make up?”

I shook my head. “Hindi nga ako marunong. Hindi pa ba maayos mukha ko? Hindi pa ba ako maganda?” I asked curiously.

Tumawa siya. “Ayos na ‘yan. Ma-i-inlove na ‘yon sa ‘yo. Alis na, baka nainip na ‘yon kakahintay.”

Tumawa lang din ako.

“Kung ma-in love, maniniwala na talaga ako sa she fell first but he fell harder,” wala sa sariling biro ko.

Tinapunan lang niya ako ng asar na ngiti at pinagtabuyan na ‘ko.

As I head outside. I tried myself to act normal. Fixing myself again and again and reply to him.

Jhon:
saan tayo magkikita?

Me:
pwede namang dito nalang sa labas ng bh haha or ikaw?

I didn’t bother dressing up much. I’m just in a hoodie and pajamas. The night is chilly, and I prefer not to dress to avoid getting cold.

Jhon:
baywalk nalang wala masyadong tao.

I agreed. Nagkatanungan pa kami kung sabay na kami papunta ro’n ngunit dahil medyo awkward pa ay hindi na muna. Doon nalang muna kami magkikita sa mismong pinag-usapan.

As I arrived, nandoon na siya.

I felt so nervous.

Tangina, ang poging lalaki tapos ako...babae lang.

He’s also donned a black hoodie, pairing it with shorts, and he looks incredibly attractive. I just noticed he’s even fairer in person-maybe even fairer than me.

Now, as I approach him, I’m trembling with embarrassment.

My god, why did I settle for this simple look?

Gusto ko na tuloy umuwi.

“Hi,” bungad ko sa kanya.

He smiled. Mas lalo lang siyang pumogi ng makalapit ako.

“Hi, Mazie.”

I don’t know how fast my heartbeats right now. First time kong marinig ang boses niya habang binabanggit pangalan ko. I smiled at him. Nag-aalangan na umupo sa tabi niya. Nandito kami sa may bench and fortunately wala masyadong tao sa lugar ngayon.

“May gusto ka bang kainin?” naitanong niya.

Napatingin ako sa paligid. Gusto ko mag-chicken skin.

I smiled and nod. “Meron.”

Then he stood up, approaching me, and that’s when I realized he’s probably about 3 inches taller than me.

“Kamusta ‘yong application mo?”

I started while we’re heading to the stall. Medyo napatigil siya sa paglalakad. His expression changed. Feels like it’s going to be bad news.

“Parang malabo, andami naming nag-apply at konti lang tatanggapin. Once a year lang din hiring kaya siguro...balik muna ako sa Bohol para doon mag-apply.”

My jaw dropped.

Hindi ko inaasahang maririnig ko agad ito ngayon.

“T-tatagal ka ro’n?”

He sighed. “Depende.”

Upon arrival, we promptly made a purchase, with him treating, and I refrained from speaking further. I was still bothered by what he mentioned earlier.

When we returned to the bench, I cleared my throat again.

“Babalik ka pa ba rito if ever?”

“It depends, kung may babalikan and if I have reasons to stay here for good.”

I awkwardly laughed a little. “Ba’t parang ang lalim,” naibiro ko. And then suddenly my expression changed. “Pero langya! Mang-iiwan ka na pala.”

Napatawa lang siya sa asta ko. “I’m tired doing nothing with a degree.”

And I nod, liberating his decision.

“Sabagay. Okay lang, same naman tayo ng hometown. Pupunta nalang ako ro’n after I graduate. Pasyal mo ‘ko ah.”

Nabuhayan siya bigla dahil do’n.

“Sure! Just contact me, I’ll take you everywhere.”

I awkwardly smiled. I still can’t process the sudden informations. Nakipagkita lang ba siya para magpaalam?

Kung matutuloy man. How rude destiny can be.

“Pero iiwan mo na talaga ang lugar na ‘to? Mamimiss ka ng mga friends mo or someone close to you or your past.”

He squinted at my sudden words. “Friends lang? How ‘bout you? You won’t miss me?” He said that with amusement. “And what’s with that past thing?”

I sighed in defeat.

“Well, okay. I’m one of them. Nagparamdam ka lang talaga para mang-iwan.”

I sensed his body inching closer to mine, and my heart is beating so loudly now. I hope he won’t hear it. Good thing it’s too cold, and I’m not breaking a sweat.

This is all his fault!

I looked away. “Malay ko baka may past ka or baka nandito first love mo.”

“You have no presence these past few days and I’m too shy to chat you directly kaya pagkakita ko sa myday, nagreply agad ako,” paliwanag niya, out of context.

Napabalik ang tingin ko sa banda niya. “Mag-mi-message ka lang kapag mag-i-i-story ako?”

“Yeah? Even before.”

I can affirm that he’s a shy type, always has been.

If he were a different guy, he might have noticed me on the ship from the start and even asked for my Facebook name. I’ve encountered quite a few who would approach me in that manner before.

Kaya ito siguro ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya, iba siya.

“Ba’t hindi ka pa nag-gi-girlfriend? High standard ka siguro.”

I asked out of nowhere, can’t even hide my curiosity. Especially, about his ex. Maybe, just maybe...she might be the reason.

“Standard is useless. Once you like that person and get attached to. Hindi na masusunod ang standard.” He responded, not really answering my first question.

“This is so true, may experience ka siguro ‘no?” I asked, trying to open a future topic.

“Wala, baka ikaw,” natatawang saad niya.

“Ayan pinapasa sa ‘kin.”

I made a face.

“Pero wala. Focus muna ako sa goal. Andami pang tatawiring subjects. Next time ko na susundin si heart kapag secured na ang future.” I added, regretted with my chosen words.

“When is that? Baka tatanda kang dalaga n’yan.”

“Feeling ko rin. Malas ako r’yan e.”

“Why? About your past relationship? Ilang years kayo?”

He’s now continuously asking. I’d like to think that he’s interested about my past but I want him to open up too. I want to hear his thoughts and... his heart. Kung meron na bang nagpapatibok d’yan o baka pinapatibok pa ng nakaraan.

“Hindi ko pa na-try magka-anniversary, honestly.” I said.

“NBSB?”

I repeatedly shook my head. “No, I mean, nagka-boyfriend oo pero walang long-term, ikaw ba?”

“Almost 2 years.”

This. This is now the opening of it. I took a glanced of him. I can’t read his expression now. I can’t read what’s on his mind. He’s hiding it very carefully.

“Kaka-break lang?”

He brushed his hair. “No, matagal na.”

“Naka-move on ka na?” I asked abruptly wanting to continue the subject.

“Matagal na, two years passed already. How ‘bout you? Ba’t naghihiwalay agad?”

“My father is strict.”

He squinted his eyes towards me. “College kana that time?”

“Magka-college palang.”

He squeezes his hand. “Kaya pala, bata mo pa no’n.”

I smiled bitterly. “And even now, bawal pa rin hangga’t hindi nakaka-graduate.”

He paused and nodded after he registered my words.

“I see, so what if may gustong manligaw sa ‘yo ngayon? Panigurado basted agad.” He said it laughing.

His words make my heart fluttered. Umaasang nagpaparinig lang siya sa ‘kin. Umaasang hindi talaga what if ‘yon at gusto niya talagang manligaw.

Well sadly, I’m just delusional.
“It depends on him if he can wait.” I mouthed giving him idea knowing he’s really not into me and I’m just here assuming.

“Pero focus muna tayo sa ‘yo. Bakit kayo naghiwalay ng ex mo? But it’s okay if you can’t tell,” tanong ko.

Hindi ko papalampasin ang pagkakataon na ‘to.

“She falls out of love.”

That’s it.

I was right. Someone might fell out of love. And now I know who it is.

It’s not him. And that idea made my heart pinched a little.

“So, if she didn’t fall out of love. There’s a tendency na kayo parin ngayon?” I asked letting my intrusive thoughts out.

“Yeah, we might.”

I feel a lumped on my throat. I can’t now look at him. I don’t want to see how bad he feels about that.

“And what if babalik ang feelings niya sa ‘yo? Is there a chance na magkabalikan kayo?” I asked again torturing myself.

“I can’t answer that. But I’m still okay if we just stay as being friends.”

“Kaya ka siguro hindi pa nagkaka-girlfriend until now.”

I concluded.

He laughed slightly. “Hindi rin, I’m just prioritizing my career first. Noong nagkahiwalay kami, I told her na hihintayin ko siya hanggang sa maka-graduate kaming dalawa. Manliligaw ulit ako pero hindi ko ginawa. Kasi iba na. Hindi na katulad ng dati.”

He’s now opening up and this is what I want to happen. Pero ngayon nangyari na, gusto ko nalang ibalik ‘yong unang anime at books lang ang pinag-uusapan namin.

“What if naghintay siya? Pinanghawakan niya iyong sinabi mo?”

“I also told her that. I also won’t close my heart.”

I shrugged. “If kayo talaga, kayo talaga. If not, then may mas better na dadating.”

The he moved a little. “This is what I mean. I won’t close my heart, baka may mas better na dadating.” He said those while looking at me.

My heart now is running out of control.

“S-same with me, I’m just waiting for the guy who’s willing to pursue me someday. Then if wala, okay lang. Travel nalang ako around the world.” I jokingly said.

“You’re pretty. I know someone will.” He indirectly complimented.

And I can feel my face immediately get flushed with that.

Tangina, kinikilig ko. He thinks that I’m pretty? Tangina! Maganda raw ako.

Hindi ito ang unang beses na nakatanggap ako ng compliments. Pero mas grabe ang kilig ko ngayon!

“You know, it’s not all about the looks.” I just said pretending I'm not bursting out inside.

“Can I ask you a question?”

He leans back in his seat and stretches his arm while he’s asking for it.

“Sure.”

“Ikaw ba makikipaghiwalay dahil lang sa na fall out of love ka?”

Then, he looked at me, and I couldn’t bring myself to look away. He’s too handsome to avert my gaze.

“I-is it related to your past?”

“Just answer it. I want to hear your thoughts.”
He’s determined.

So, I started to cleared my throat. “For me, hindi siguro agad-agad? Like baka kasi mag-work pa kahit wala ng feelings? Or maybe puwede pang mabalik. It takes time baka kasi magsisi ako sa huli. And falling out of love can’t be avoided especially if matagal na kayo.”

“Is it only the feelings, the most important in the relationship? Kung wala ng feelings, ibig-sabihin wala ng love?”

I stiffed with his question. He’s still looking at me. It’s making me insane!

“H-hindi rin, not all the time there’s always excitement, kilig moments or some sparks to feel. Darating talaga ang oras na mawawala lahat iyon. If feelings fade then that’s when true love starts.” I said it confidently.

His expression change from seriousness to amusement.

And he suddenly pinched my cheeks.

Again, he pinched my cheeks!

Tangina.

Nauubusan na ako ng hangin sa nangyayari.

Anong nasa isip niya para gawin ‘yon? Bakit niya ginawa ‘yon?

Mamamatay na sa kilig ‘yong tao oh parang awa niya na!

Tas may pangiti-ngiti pa siya.

Sana pinatay niya nalang ako.

“This is what I want to hear.”

He said smiling widely.