Dedicated to: BloodAsInkk

He’s still my favorite character in my untold story.

Gray Jhon Hilerio.

How I wish, I will meet someone like him someday.

Yeah no, there’s no way I would.

I miss writing about him. But then, I already ended it. And now, all I can do is just reminiscing the beautiful moments with him that I’ve wrote.

It’s Sunday morning and I woke up to the sound of my family’s bickering.

Linggong-linggo nag-aaway.

I closed my eyes again, waiting for them to finish. I didn’t want to confront them while they were still arguing; it occurred almost every day, and I knew I would only add to the chaos if they saw me.

After a few hours of silence, I decided it was time to stand up. I went outside and saw my mother washing dishes.

“Oh Mazie, hindi ka ba magsisimba?” bungad niya sa ‘kin.

I can’t respond. Instead, I looked at the clock and it’s already 9:15 AM.

“Medyo late na, Ma.”

Napailing lang siya. Naramdaman ko ang presensya ni Papa sa sala at alam ko na ang maaari niyang sasabihin.

“Sinasadya niya talaga ‘yan para ‘di makasimba.”

I sighed letting my irritation out. Palagi nalang. Ang sarap nilang sagutin na bakit hindi rin sila nagsisimba? Bakit palaging ako? Ako lang ba makasalanan dito?

“Simula ng nagka-pandemic, na layo na rin loob mo sa Diyos, ano bang nangyari sa ‘yo Mazie?” dagdag ni Papa.

I made a face, walking back to my room. Discussing that matter with them is out of the question.

I used to be a lector, singing psalms in the church. I was actively involved until the pandemic hit and my anxiety intensified. Anxiety towards people, particularly in our barangay. I developed a strong aversion to everything here.

I just can’t stand people.

Their judgmental nature and constant scrutiny make me anxious. I despise it all. I stopped going out since I realized my energy was draining because of them. Everyone has something to say.

Why am I so skinny? Why didn't I make the dean's list? Why is my voice week during the psalms? Name it.

I’ve had enough.

Even the church, I managed to leave. I’m tired of the words, weary of the judgments. My energy is already depleted at school, and now, even here?

Life can be truly cruel.

I can’t express this to my parents. I can’t articulate the exact words, the core reasons.

I’m not abandoning God.

Maybe everything isn’t solely depending on attending church. But people seem to base it that way. How ironic of how they come to church and judge people after.

“Kailan ka pa naging bastos, Mazie. Kinakausap kita tapos pagsasarhan mo ‘ko ng pinto.”

I groaned inside. Ayokong salubungin ang umaga ng iyak. Napatingala nalang ako, nag-iisip ng irarason.

“Nagbibihis ako, Pa. Magsisimba na po.”

I just said and heard nothing from him.

I braced myself now getting my clothes on. Nag-iisip pa ‘ko kung anong klaseng outfit ang isusuot ko na hindi masyadong mapakita ang kapayatan ko.

I don’t know.

Am I too skinny or people just over describing it?

I started heading to our church. Medyo marami na ang nandoon. Mas pinili kong pumwesto sa labas. It’s my very first time attending since pandemic. And still, same people.

I looked down, hiding myself. Wishing they won’t notice me.

The Mass is about to start, napa-upo ako ng maayos at maiging nakikinig.

“All present here will be blessed. To those who haven’t invested time now, I hope they realize they need time for God. I see new faces today, and I’m glad to know that some of you are beginning to turn back to God.”

Those words resonate with me. I know Father often says this, but it feels like a personal hit. I feel remorse, but I hope someone understands that it’s not just about attending church every Sunday.

Nakauwi ako nang hindi nadatnan sa sala si Papa at kusina si Mama. Nasa kwarto sila at natutulog. Pagod galing sa trabaho. I don’t really hate them. I don’t hate them. I’m just hurt. Nasasaktan ako kasi hindi ko magawang mag-open up sa kanila na kahit ang lapit lang nila pero parang ang layo-layo ng loob ko.

I walked inside my room. Grab my phone and opened my data. Agad namang nag-pop-up ang gc namin sa Structural Theory.

Engr. Emman chatted, our ST online instructor.

Emman Bautista:
we don’t have g-class on monday. pls study for our final exam this coming wednesday. coverage: deflections

This is our last shot for this subject. Last topic na ang deflections and next week is our finals week.

Out of 7 subjects for this sem. Itong subject na ‘to ang hindi ako sure. Our major subject.

Mas nakatutok ako sa pag-re-review ng Reinforced Concrete which is next sem pa kaya kailangan ko rin itong bigyan ng pansin. Significantly, because it’s the pre-requisite of the subject.

I’m dedicating time to review, with deflections, the topic I dislike the most. Lacking confidence in my past scores, I have no choice but to revisit it, despite my reluctance.

But darn it.

Whether it’s the double integration method, three-moment equation, or method of superposition, sadly and depressingly, not a single method resonates with me.

In the midst of my headache, Freza, one of my close classmates these days, initiated a chat with me.

Freza:
nag-review ka na?

I snorted at the screen. Even I did, I have no enough confidence if I registered all I’ve studied. Hindi nga ako sure kung may pumapasok ba sa ni-review ko. And so, I said no. She said the same kahit alam kong pareho lang kaming nagtataguan ng katotohanan.

But it’s better than saying the pathetic truth. Mas masakit sabihing nakapag-review kami tapos ‘di kami nakasagot.

I decided to lay now on my bed. Sakit na ng likod ko kaka-upo at ulo ko kaka-intindi. Bahala na ito next week. I just hope, if hindi man lumabas ang ni-review ko. Sana may lumabas nalang na isang source.

To think na it’s still online class, then must grab the opportunity.

The following days seems boring. Puro lang ako scan ng notes. Writing down all the possible formulas. Hindi ako naghanda masyado. Kasi kung face-to-face ‘to, baka wala na akong tulog.

Until the day comes.

Finals na nga namin. I prepared already my laptop. Nagpa-load pa ‘ko. And hoping my network won’t betray me today.

Engr. Emman gives now the 4 problems. And predictably wasn’t easy. Andaming twist. Iyong problemang hindi ka pagbibigyang makapasa.

I can’t search it on Chegg, a known platform these days that helps us students to survive. Pero kahit ito ay wala kaming napala.
The time is running. And I can’t really solve the problems.

Wala akong ideya.

I no choice chat Nina, also one of the circles asking for answers.

Nina:
sadly, wala ako huhu 15 mins nalang

My face began to sweat. Ayokong bumagsak. Not that I’m still regular. But how? Even a single item, I can’t write a thing. I’m almost giving up. I’m almost losing hope. But in that 10 minutes left. There is Cherry, sending me answers.

We still have communication until now. Only her. I can’t cut her off. She didn’t do something and I have no reason to leave her behind.

Todo ang pasalamat ko sa kanya sa ginawa niyang ‘yon. This is the only way I’ll survive.

It’s a wrong way I know, but is there another way?

Me:
thank u so much che, i owe you one.

I quickly write down those solutions. I’m not sure, kung tama lahat ‘to pero at least may masulat ako. Paniniwalaan ko nalang kung sino mang nagsagot nito.

I remembered my circle. So, before I proceed to copy no.2. Nag-chat muna ako sa gc.

Me:
may sagot na kayo?

Nina:
wala talaga

Freza:
baka naman

Shaine:
(2)

Me:
forwarded a photo

Freza:
luh thanks naol may source

Me:
thankfully

Nina:
kanino ‘to?

I rush to reply.

Me:
ewan copy niyo nalang

Nina:
okok

Shaine:
thanks savior!

The exam ended, and finally turned it in early as the deadline. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik. It’s a 5-hour online exam pero napakahirap pang makapasa ng maaga.

Paano pa kaya sa actual for only 3 hours?

That made us hope, hindi pa magka-face-to-face classes. To rude of us for others who wants the opposite pero kailangan din naming manigurado.

We need to survive.