Dedicated to: KwinYram

“I’m here.”

That was my message to Ashton a few minutes ago. He didn’t respond. I’m standing outside their village, waiting for him to show up.

At least now, I have a reason to go to their house. It may sound silly, but I just want to get to know him better, beyond those negative aspects.

Maybe, just maybe, there’s a side of him that I might like, aside from his eyes.

“Sorry for making you wait.”

And there he is. Lumingon na ako sa gawi niya. Halatang galing siya sa pagtakbo dahil pawisan siyang humarap sa
‘kin ngayon.

“Okay lang.”

He’s still catching his breath, unable to utter a single word. Instead, he gestured for me to follow him, and so I did. He walked ahead, and I trailed behind, using him as my guide to their house.

I am about to meet his family now, and that thought made me contemplate backing out. However, chances didn’t favor me; we were already in front of their house.

Simple but elegant.

“Come in.” He motioned his hands to their door.

I entered slowly, glancing around. Sneaking peeks at every detail of their interior, I can’t believe I am standing inside the house of someone I once liked.

As we reached their living room, his parents greeted me. They were sitting on the sofa, watching TV. My stomach tightened, and my heart pounded loudly. I just hoped they wouldn’t hear it.

“Good afternoon po.” I greeted them immediately. They smiled, and that lessen what I’m feeling.

“Ikaw na ba ‘yong kaklase ni Ash?” His mother asked.

I quickly nodded and smiled. I then take a looked at his father. They have a bit resemblance with Ashton. And I smile for that thought. 

“Wala kami masyadong rooms dito for studies. Is it okay to you na sa kwarto nalang kayo ni Ash gagawa?”

I’m taken a back. Slowly registering what his father have said earlier.

Ano raw? Sa kwarto niya? Just the two of us?

“O-okay lang po ba ‘yon sa kanya?” I questioned instead while pointing out Ashton.

“He has no choice,” sagot ng mama niya habang tumatawa.

I felt welcomed by their reactions. I smiled, and I sensed Ashton started walking towards his room, so I bid farewell to his parents and followed him. We reached the blue room. He opened it, revealing his exceptionally clean and well-organized space. I continued to observe the inside, marveling at each of his belongings.

“Are you done observing?”

I just heaved a sigh and cut my observation thing.

“Sit here.” He demanded while pointing out the small chair opposed on his, between the small table.

Umupo ako while putting my bag beside the table. Napalunok ako nang agad niyang ibinigay ang kalahati ng mga problems na ibinigay sa amin.

25 problems?

“I-sosolve ko l-lahat i-ito?” I asked him wishing he would say no.

He just gave me a serious look and nod.

Oh god, how will I be able to solve all of this?

“The reason why I bring you here is if you have either question you can’t understand or problems you can’t solve. You’re free to ask me or we’ll just go on the tutorial on youtube kung mahirap nga talaga para maaga tayong matapos.”

“P-paano kung...”

He looked at me. “Kung?”

Paano kung ‘tong lahat ay hindi ko naiintindihan?

Napapikit ako. I am frustrated. I didn’t even start a single thing. Inilapag ko ito sa lamesa at nagsimula ng intindihin ‘yon isa-isa. Inuna ko muna ang ibang mga items na madaling i-solve. Pahinto-hinto pa ‘ko dahil tumitingin-tingin pa ‘ko ng tutorial sa youtube everytime na hindi ko na talaga maintindihan.

Buti may Wi-Fi sila rito, hindi masyadong hassle.

Out of 25. Lima palang ang na-so-solve ko at isang oras at kalahati na ang lumipas. May isang problem akong pino-focus ngayon at malapit na ako sa katotohan pero hindi ko talaga magawa-gawang tapusin dahil hindi ako sigurado sa gagamiting identity.

I suddenly glanced at Ashton, who was also busy. I found myself staring without any reason, and that problem that bothered me earlier disappeared from my mind.

“Stop staring at me. You’re wasting time.”

I felt embarrassed there, so I redirected my gaze back to the paper. After a while, I looked at him again. This time, may sadya na.

“Ano kasi...hindi ko talaga alam kung anong identities ang gagamitin ko sa equation na ‘to. Hindi ko ma-sulat-sulat ang final answer.”

Napatingin siya agad sa papel na itunuro ko. Kinuha niya ‘yon sa ‘kin at ibinalik ulit sa ‘kin na may final answer na.

“Bakit ito ang ginamit mo?”

Agad siyang may kinuhang papel sa tabi niya at itinuro rito ang isang equation na ka-parehas sa equationg na-form ko ngayon at ipinapakita rito ang isang identity niya.

Napatango ako matapos ‘yong maintindihan kaya medyo masigla akong naghanap ulit na ma-i-so-solve. Hiniram ko muna ang listahan ng mga identities niyang ‘yon kaya mas napapadali ang pagsagot ko.

Out of 25. Labing-walo na ang na-solve ko sa nakalipas na tatlong oras. Hindi pa sure kung lahat ng iyon ay tama.

It’s already 8:30 kaya medyo na-alarma na ako dahil gabi na pala. Nakikita ko ngayon kay Ashton na abala pa rin sa pagsasagot at hindi rin niya namalayan ang oras.

“Ashto—"

Hindi natuloy ang pagtawag ko sa kanya nang biglang bumukas ang pinto.

“Maghahapunan na raw Kuya.”

I tensed when his sister showed up. I blinked as I realized it was Sam, whom I haven't seen in person for a long time. She’s more beautiful in person.

“Sam?” agad na tanong ko sa kapatid niya. Napatingin naman siya ng matagal sa ‘kin bago tumugon.

“Familiar ka, Ate.” She mouthed looking at me. I smiled and quickly reminded myself. She nodded in recognition, a sign that she remembered me.

“Omg, ikaw pala ‘yan ate at magkasama kayo ni Kuya? Kayo na?”

Napalunok agad ako sa tanong niya. Agad akong umiling.

“Magkaklase.” Ashton answered.

I nod, agreed with him. Sam just looked at us alternately and also nodded.

“I see. Kain na pala tayo naghihintay na sila sa kusina.”

Wait, dito ako kakain?

“Hindi Sam, uuwi na sana ako.” I refused.

Napahinto naman siya at napatingin sa Kuya niya.

“You can grab your dinner here, Ate. Wala ka ng masasakyan ngayon. Tatawagan nalang namin parents mo na rito ka nalang matulog.”

Literal akong napanganga sa sinabing ‘yon ni Sam. Totoo ba ‘to? Dito ako matutulog sa kanila?

“Delikado ng bumiyahe ngayon malayo pa naman siguro ‘yong sa inyo Ate at saka kung may mangyari man sa ‘yo, konsensya pa namin ‘yon kasi rito ka sa ‘min galing. It’s better to be safe.”

She has a point. So, I nod. We head our way into their kitchen. They haven’t started yet.

“Kain tayo, ija,” aya agad ng Mama niya.

Ngumiti ako at tumango nalang. I can feel like my knees are shaking. It’s too hard to even take a single step. Nakikisalo ako sa pamilya niya.

“Huwag ka ng mahiya, ija. Umupo ka na sa tabi ni Ash.”

Walo silang lahat ngayon na sasaluhan ko sa pagkain. Ang mama niya, papa niya at ang anim niyang mga kapatid.

“Ikaw ‘yong palagi kong nakikita sa department n’yo.”

Nabigla ako sa approach na ‘yon ng kambal ni Ashton na babae. Napangiti ako at nahihiyang napatango.

“Close na close na kayo nitong anak ko?”

Napasulyap ako sa Papa niya habang nginunguya ang beef steak na ulam nila ngayon.

“Medyo po.”

My knees are still shaking, buti at nakaupo na ako. I am totally in a hot seat zone. Paano kung malaman nilang nagustohan ko ang anak nila? How would I even have a time to breathe normally?

“I see. So ngayon lang ba kayo nagkasama because of your projects?” tanong nito ulit. Tumango ako at napainom nalang ng tubig.

His two brothers and the only sister remained quiet. Nervously, I held the fork, not only because I’m not accustomed to using it, but also because I’m anxious about their upcoming questions.

“May naging jowa na ba ‘tong anak ko sa school, ija? Baka kasi may alam ka na hindi niya sinasabi sa ‘min—"

“Ma, let her eat peacefully. You’re pressuring her.” Ashton interrupted.

Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa mag-ina at muntik pa ‘kong mabilaukan sa tanong na ‘yon. Thank God, Ashton say a thing.

“Wala naman po ata.” I answered to cut the conversation rightfully.

Her mother nod for a response. “Talaga ba, ija? O baka ikaw ang nobya niya?”

Sa puntong ‘yon ay napa-ubo na talaga ako. Agad akong binigyan ni Sam ng tubig. I wiped my mouth a tissue and started to calm myself.

I laughed awkwardly. “Hindi po. Wala po akong jowa ngayon. Focus muna sa studies, nanganganib na mga grades ko eh.”

Napahinga ako ng maluwag dahil biglang nawala ang awkward atmosphere sa pamilya niya dahil sa pagtawa nilang ‘yon.

“Korek ka r’yan. Laban lang! Makakaraos ka rin,” rinig kong pampalakas-loob sa ‘kin ng kambal niya.

“Yeah! Nanganganib na rin sa ‘kin eh," pagsasalita ng isang Kuya niya for the first time.

“Laban lang kayo mga pagasa ng bayan,” sabay-sabay na wika ng isang kuya at ate niya na may sarili ng pamilya.

“Yes Ate, nakaka-stress naman talaga ang course n’yo. Sa Science school ako nag-aaral ngayon kaya nakaka-relate ako sa ibang topics. Lalo na sa Calculus, sakit sa ulo,” dugtong pa ni Sam.

Napangiti ako sa kanilang lahat dahil mukhang gumaan na rin ang pakiramdam ko, hindi katulad kanina na para na ‘kong sasabog sa kaba.

“Ingay.”

But not for Ashton.

Sam tsked. “Sunget.”

Nalunok ko bigla ang beef steak na kinakain.

He tsked. He dropped his fork and stand. Then, walked away.

“Ash.”

His father authority but he never flinches a second. He still walks continue through his room. Sa aksyon niyang ‘yon ay napailing ang Papa niya.

So, this. This is all I see. His terrible bad side.

“Pasensya ka na ija. Mukhang bad mood ata.” His mother’s excused.

That’s not an excuse, though. He should have shown respect to his parents, even in front of me. If he’s in a bad mood because of me, that’s not a good enough reason to treat his parents that way.

I just sighed heavily with my disappointments. Even though I know this really doesn’t matter to him. I am the one who liked him, not the other way around. I am disappointed with myself too for liking him.

After a while, we finished, and we started to clean up. I helped Sam with washing the dishes. She initially refused, but I insisted. I wanted to distract myself; I was still bothered by what happened earlier.

“Ate, gusto mo si Kuya ‘di ba?”

Nadulas ang kamay ko sa tanong na ‘yon pero buti nalang nahawakan ko pa ang platong hinuhugasan ko.

Napalunok ako. “H-ha?”

“You like Kuya Ash, right? Narinig ko sa mga tropa niya noon.”

Hindi ko akalain na hanggang dito, aabot pa rin ang katangahang ginawa kong ‘yon.

“Noon lang ‘yon.”

Naka-focus lang ang tingin ko sa paghuhugas dahil hindi ko siya magawang tignan sa mga oras na ‘to.

“Huwag mo na siyang gustuhin ulit Ate, hindi siya worth it.”

With that words, I intentionally look at her at napahinto sa ginagawa ko.

“Anong ibig mong sabihin?”

She gives me a serious look reasoned why I’m bothered right now.

“Hindi sa sinisiraan ko siya. Pero Ate, alam mong hindi ka niya deserve.”

I awkwardly laughed.

Napayuko ako sa nalaman.

“Sam, uuwi nalang siguro ako. Hindi ako sanay matulog sa ibang bahay at saka hindi pa ako nakapag-paalam sa parents ko.”

Inilagay niya muna ang natitirang plato sa lababo bago niya ‘ko hinarap.

“Sure ka ba talaga Ate? May masasakyan ka ba? Gabi na.”

Napaisip naman ako sa tanong niyang ‘yon at isa lang ang naiisip kong taong makakatulong sa ‘kin.

“Sa tingin ko meron. Teka tatawagan ko lang ah.”

Ipinakita ko ang phone sa kanya senyales na may tatawagan ako. Tumango naman siya kaya tuluyan na muna akong lumayo sa banda niya. Buti nalang at nahingi ko ang number ni Gray kahapon. I started dialing his number and he answered it immediately.

“Nasaan ka?” boses ko sa kabilang linya.

“Sino ka?”

Napapikit ako matapos marinig ‘yon.

“Si Mazie ‘to tanga. Akala ko ba ni-save mo number ko?”

“I forgot. I’m doing the projects why?”

Napahinga ako ng malalim bago nagsalita ulit.

“Pasundo sana ako pero busy ka pala.”

I heard him laugh. “Kina Ashton ba? Akala ko ba gusto mo siya eh bakit gusto mo na agad umuwi?”

I don't like him anymore, paulit-ulit nalang.

“Nakakahiya,” sabi ko nalang.

"At sa akin hindi ka nahihiya?” He suddenly guilt tripping.

I sighed out of frustration. “Kaya ‘wag na nga ‘di ba? Maghahanap nalang ako ng ibang masasakyan.”

I guilt trip him too. Kala niya ha, siya lang marunong.

Ibinaba ko na agad ang linya. Bumalik ako sa kusina, can’t hide my disappointed face.

“May susundo ba sa ‘yo, Ate?” bungad na tanong ni Sam sa ‘kin.

I wagged.

Minutes passed, nahinto kami ng may marinig kaming ingay ng motor na dumating. Agad kaming sumilip sa bintana at napanganga nalang ako ng ma-realize kong si Gray ‘yon.

“Akala ko ba busy siya?" bulong ko sa sarili ko pero narinig na pala ‘yon ni Sam.

‘Siya na ba ‘yong magsusundo sa ‘yo, Ate?" She chuckled. “Pogi ah.”

Napanganga akong nakatingin ngayon kay Sam habang nakatingin ngayon kay Gray.

dios ko, kung alam lang niya

“Huwag mo ‘yang sabihin sa harap niya,” natatawang saad ko. She just gave me a weird laughing look. Tinalikuran niya ako at tuluyan ng humarap kay Gray. Napatawa nalang ako saglit at sumunod na sa kanya.

“Hi po, kayo na ba sundo ni Ate Mazie?”
Tinanggal na ni Gray ang helmet niya sa ulo at nakikita ko ngayong nakatulalang nakatingin sa kanya si Sam.

“Hindi ako si Kamatayan, pero oo. Ako ang susundo sa Ate Mazie mo.”

He’s now starting.

“Funny ka pala, Kuya.” Sam complimented.

Wala naman atang nakakatawa ro'n. Gasgas na nga.

“Hindi naman.” He responded, pretending to be humble.

“Pasok ka po, kaklase mo rin si Kuya Ashton?” interview agad ni Sam sa kanya habang papasok na ng bahay.

Nakasunod lang ako sa kanila, pailing-iling nalang sa mga naririnig kong sagot niya kay Sam.

“May girlfriend ka na po?” isa pang tanong nito habang papaupo na sila sa sala.

Nasa kwarto na ang mga magulang ni Sam at mga nakakatandang kapatid nito kaya siya nalang ang kasama namin ngayon.

“I don’t have one. But I’m into someone,” sagot nito.

Napatango si Sam at nagtanong pa ulit. Mukhang naaaliw na.

“Ayieee, sino ‘yan Kuya?”

Naputol lang ang pag-uusap nila nang makita naming pababa na si Ashton ng hagdan.

“Kuya, andito kaklase mo. Susunduin niya si Ate Mazie.”

He just looked at us. He didn’t even nod, immediately turning away to head to the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of mineral water and started drinking it.

“Ba’t ang tagal naman ata.”

I’m taken a back. His words made pursed my fist secretly. It gives me scratched inside. No, not a scratched but a wound.

“What did you say?”

“Tayo na.” I suddenly grab Gray’s wrist before he could make chaos.

I looked at Sam, I smiled behind my annoyance to her brother. “Napakaganda mo sa personal. Pakisabi sa parents mo, salamat sa pagpatuloy. Alis na kami.”

Sam smiled widely and nod. Inihatid niya kami palabas.

“Nagustuhan mo ang lalaking ‘yon?”

He started talking as we stepped outside. I didn’t respond and just walked away from him. I felt him following me, so I quickened my pace. I even started running when I sensed his footsteps. However, I stopped. I intensely looked at him while breathe chasing.

“Bakit ko nga ba nagustuhan ang lalaking ‘yon?”

My tears are now visibly falling in front of him. My tears are so shallow. I just bowed my head because everything is already too late; he already saw me crying.

“Don’t blame yourself. You just made a mistake.”

I was taken aback by his words. As I lifted my head, he slowly approached me, and now I felt his warm embrace under the moonlight.