MY EYES CAN'T SEEM TO GET A BREAK FROM BEING BLOODSHOT. For what feels like the hundredth day in a row, I stand with red eyes rimmed with dark circles and my hands trembling and feeling like every ounce of energy has been sucked out of me raw.

I've had to bite down on my bottom lip to prevent it from quivering as I stepped inside of this building. I look around and stare at the dozen of bunk bed-like cots, each looking the same--almost all of them were messy, blankets clumped together at the corners. 

Sejanus' was made. His cot was right across from Coriolanus'--a blue blanket the color of his uniform and his pillowcase tucked perfectly around the singular pillow he'd been given.

My shaking hand runs gently across the flattened blanket and it's funny, because, when the same hand goes up to wipe the tip of my nose, all I can smell is him.

I want to grab this felt blanket and wrap myself in it and hide in it for the rest of my life and never come out. I want to be familiarized with the scent of his cologne and never wash it off.

A warm tear slides down my cheek and falls upon the bed, leaving a wet shadow behind where my tear has fallen. I go to wipe it off but it's already sunken into the felt material. 

As I stare around these barracks, at these cots--I can't help but wish I had let Sejanus come stay with Coriolanus and I. He spent the last few weeks sleeping on a cot with hardly any material and hardly any support and absolutely no comfort. 

All the things I should have done for Sejanus while he was alive come flooding back to me, consuming me. I spent half of my life angry at him for getting all of our parents' love but it wasn't his fault. We were children and he was easier to love. 

I hear the door shut behind me and quickly, I jerk back, turning around to see Coriolanus there. His eyes are rimmed with red, similar to mine and though I should be absolutely furious with him, I can't help but feel sorrowful for the beating he took for me. His lip is busted open and his uniform has marks of tear and wear all over. Clearly, he wasn't expecting to see me either because I watch as his Adam's apple bobs with a swallow and his entire body tenses. 

I, too, swallow as I turn back around, facing the edge of his bed before kneeling on my knees. 

Plinth, Sejanus.

I didn't know reading his name taped onto a box could be so emotion but I'm crumbling apart into a pile of tears. I'm nothing but tears. I can't even see anything clearly with these tears blurring my vision but I can feel them falling down off of my cheeks and onto his belongings in this bin. 

It's funny, I can hardly pack half of my life in a suitcase but he can somehow do it in just a tiny storage box at the foot of his cot. There are different utilities and clothes and such, but what's right on top--three pictures. 

One, with Coriolanus and him with their arms wrapped around another. They're smiling and in their academy uniforms and I can hear Coriolanus fall apart behind me. A sob breaks loose from his lips, making it harder for me to hold in my own emotions. 

The other two photos, though, are of Sejanus and I. One, a photo of us when we were children--I had spaghetti sauce all over my mouth, and he had juice on top of his top lip. We couldn't have been much older than five or six at the time, and I'm somehow able to let out a breathy laugh rather than a sob. 

The final photo, it's a picture of me standing on my tiptoes, reaching up to wrap my arms around him and his large frame wrapped around my small one. He has this wide grin on his face--almost as though he's laughing and it reminds me of just how much I'll miss that smile. That laugh. 

"I'm so sorry, Mare." Coriolanus says from beside me, he's now on his knees as well as he's an utter mess. He has tears streaming all the way down to his neck and his eyes are so red I can feel my heart cracking inside my chest.  

I stare at him for a moment, analyzing him--looking into his eyes and I just think. 

He's genuinely apologizing and I know he's sorry but it's not enough. Nothing is enough anymore because my brother is dead. 

He's dead and I'll never be able to see him again and soon enough, I won't even remember what his laugh sounded like. 

Yet, for some reason even I don't know, my hand reaches up to meet his back, rubbing small circles, comforting him as I allow him to crumble before me. 

He's vulnerable and broken and I don't know what to do. Suddenly, every single answer has been stripped away from me and right now, all Coriolanus is to me is a mystery. 

"I don't know who you are anymore." I admit. 

The sentence stops his cry and he looks up at me, almost horror-stricken by my words. 

"You killed Sejanus," my voice is barely above a whisper. I'm terrified to have even said the words aloud, and he is too. 

He shakes his head. "I didn't kill him. They did." 

I frown, my head tilting to the side as I give him a defeated look. "You killed him." 

With the repeating of my words, I'm met with a repeat of him shaking his head. He grabs my hand and squeezes it. "We can move past this, Mare." 

No, we can't. And he knows it. 

"We--we can run away, Mare." his hand meets the side of my face and I don't remove it. 

I don't know why I don't remove it but I want to relish in these last few moments I'll have with Coriolanus Snow because I know that once I walk out that door, I'll be gone forever. And he knows that too. 

Another tear slips out my eye and I allow the soft wetness of my cheek to sink into the cold palm of his hand. 

His free hand rests upon my belly, where the small bump lay and he almost smiles as his eyes move back and forth between my eyes and my stomach. "Let me take care of you and our baby."

I want to say yes. I wish I could say yes. 

But if I wanted to be logical here, there's no way in hell I'd let myself fall back in love with Coriolanus Snow. 

I want to give in and hug him and tell him yes and mend all of our problems but I can't. 

He leans in, nearly about to kiss me before I pull myself away, standing up and I begin walking toward the door. 

"Where are you going?" he asks, calling out from behind me.

But the truth is, I don't know. I have no fucking clue and it scares me. 

My hand reaches the door, but I don't quite open it yet. I'm frozen in my tracks and a world of questions come piling on top of me. "I don't know." 

I can hear the hitch in his breath and I'm afraid I've wounded him so deeply he'll never recover. 

However, I can only hope that's the case, because I surely will never recover from Coriolanus Snow. 

I open the door and I almost turn around to face him. "Goodbye, Coriolanus." 

And I close the door.