「 cat and dog 」

Who. . .  I'm I?

That single question that's always engraved in my mind. My hands feeling the sand particles going between my fingers as I enjoyed the sun on my skin.

How long have I been pulling this act?  Pretending to be the most innocent being in the world.  Now, pushing the right buttons can reveal who I really am.  A guy who suffers from a constantly evolving neuroses.  I wish the all so innocent and adorable act was real.

The clouds covered the sun's rays, the shadow behind me disappearing. Late already? Though, it did feel like I was out here for a while. Picking up my satchel and lifting myself from the ground, a flock of birds flew over my head.

I had the urge to follow them. Taking me somewhere where I could vanish into the unknown, go missing from this world.

I wished particular people I knew could forgive, and I could forget.

I hiked up my bag, working on forgetting.

Think of something, anything else. Maybe like my homework, which my roommate would want finished by bedtime. Like studying for upcoming exams, exams I could ace if it would have any hope of going away, getting away, though the thought of leaving made my stomach clench. Like the voices in my head, all of them as annoying as mosquitoes, voices that make my head ring till I pass out.

The very same voices that appeared on the school's sidewalk in front of me.

I froze up like a monument to cowards everywhere. It's not real. Just ignore and they'll go away. What I'm I saying? Of course I can't ignore them! I could always hear them, even ignoring wouldn't make them go away. The voices were tall and hunched over, making them look like creatures of a horror film. They talked about me as if I were some horrible being.

I could just turn the other way. Or, if it were darker out here, I could vanish into the night, go missing like I wanted.

But then, there was not point in running, no point in hiding, and I had nothing left to be scared of. Dragging my heels as pebbles rocketed across the pavement.

One of the voices turned around. "Hey, look. It's the guy with the fake personality. Trying to ignore us again, huh?"

"Whatcha doing, freak?"

"Trying to scare us with your whiskers?"

Annoying as mosquitoes, dumb as dirt. I sighed, the sharp exhale like the hiss of a snake.

"What's so funny?"

And easy to annoy, too. "My apologies. I'm not laughing."

"Yes, you are. Useless being."

"Okay, I'm laughing."

"Not at us," said one.

"Not if he knows what's good for him," said another.

"Haven't you heard?" I said with a smirk. "I'm not so smart."

Easy and easily confused, their figures turning to one-another.  The voices didn't know what I was going on about.  Neither did I.

"Never mind," I said with hands into my pockets.  "Just talking to myself is all."  Which I technically was, no one could see them but me.

"Yeah, just keep talking to yourself, because we got places to be."

"Later, Cat Boy."

later, I thought.

And then, nothing will be different later.

I hadn't been laughing, but the birds that just passed by?  They were laughing.  The sun a yellow eye scorched in a blanket of pink.  I looked at it for too long, and ate holes in my head.

More pebbles shot across the sidewalk, more words shot out of my mouth.

"Now that you reminded me about it, I was chatting with the birds earlier.  They were wondering why you guys looked like creatures from a horror film."

The voices surrounded me before I had the chance to think of a way out.  Not that I wanted one.  They circled me, old names and new ones dropping like firecrackers.

"Mutt!  We're talking to you!"

I replied, "what?"

"What do you have in that bag of yours?"  One of them ripped the satchel off me, searched it.  The bag went flying into the soccer field.

I could still turn around.

"Hey!  Shit head!  Are you listening?"

I could have dived into the dark—back track, sidetrack. 

"Why do you have so many books when you can't read?"

I said, "funny coming from guys who can't tell the difference between their fuckboys and their girlfriends."

The first punch knocked the air from my lungs.  I bend at the waist, trying to get my breaths back.  I didn't have a chance to see which one had hit me.  None were more than about a year apart in grades, all had raven hair and pale skin and dark eyes, and when did the voices become actual human beings? 

I took a couple of rabbit punches to the kidneys before one of them grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked me upright.  I blinked my eyelids, my eyes zeroing in on that infamous jawline.

They weren't even trying.

I said, "listen, annoying voices, if you thought—"

"Voices?  Are you joking?"

"No, I'm-"

"If you haven't noticed, we're human," the boy said, pointing to his gang. "They're my friends. And you're dead meat."

All four boys suddenly forgot the places they had to be, because they took their time and gave it their all, knuckles almost sharper than their jawlines.  And even though I was short, my arms and legs ropey with farm muscle, the boys were taller and stronger, and there were about three and a half too many of them. 

Once they were done, they gathered around and peered down at me. Sprawled on the cracked asphalt. "You know," one of them said, "anytime the Photography Club wants to have a good time, we could make time for them on our schedules.

If my teeth didn't feel loose, I might have laughed again. Everyone loved that club, even the ones who said they were 'straight'.

If someone ever needed pleasing, the Photography Club was the ones who'd show up, shirts flying, hands roaming, uniform pants falling to their ankles, lustful eyes taking it all in. Though they had questions to ask at points, they never asked too many, and never the wrong ones.

But of course it was more than that. The students of this college loves the club because they didn't have to pay a thing.

Because the staff loved it too. Taking away their stress when needed.

Above me, someone muttered about being hungry. Someone else said, "quiet." Someone's phone tinged. Someone nudged me with his foot as if I were a possum. Pretending to be dead.

I wanted to shout so that everyone could hear. I want to be happy, too. And it was true. But it had done none of them any good.

I spat the blood from my mouth. "I'll tell the club you guys said hello."

The boys had left and I was alone. After a while, I decided that I should get up, just in case a student came walking by asking if I was alright. I hauled myself up and off the sidewalk, fished my satchel from the soccer field. I wouldn't just leave my test prep books behind; even used, they costed a fortune. Toono would kill me.

No, that doesn't sound right. He would walk me back to were I'd lost the books. Heck. He might even help me buy new ones and put them in a new satchel we couldn't afford. And somehow that would be worse.

I hobbled the rest of the way to the dorms. I went inside the room and threw my satchel on my futon. Then my body following with it. My hand reaches up and inspected my wounds.  Wonderful.  Split eyebrow and a split lip.  Mangled nose.

I couldn't bring the thought of telling Toono about this. Getting beat up after a week and a half of being on campus. I don't see the point in telling.  No doubt, I deserved it.  I'm sure it'll be easy too come up with something when Toono sees the wounds.  A fake whiny attitude can do the trick.

" 오늘 하루도 힘들었을 너에게 말해줄래
내가 있다고 "

A dry laugh escaped my throat. There's that voice. Sounding so sweet and mello, giving a since of hope. Having so many in my head but this one was the only one who had a voice of a women. The motherly tone speaking in a language I first knew.

Turning to my side, someone opened the door. 
"[Y/n]? Are you asleep?"

Toono. I don't know how he puts up with me. Why didn't he leave me in the streets where I belonged? A hopeless freak whose got a lost cause.

A lost cause. That's what I am.

I'm just a lost cause.

- - - - - - - - - -

haven't updated in ages-

also, can i ask why people started calling me manjiro/mikey?? like do i really look like him?
i haven't seen the anime yet nor is my hair blonde, but i'm just- 😭

translation for:
오늘 하루도 힘들었을 너에게 말해줄래 내가 있다고
for you who had a hard time today . i'll tell you that i'm here .