Author: KeiraKnox1

Book title: The Losing Game

Title

I like the title, but I'm not sure if it's the best for the story. I didn't feel that it suited the plot perfectly.

Cover

The cover is aesthetically pleasing, and I like the color palette.

Blurb

The blurb is a little bit longer than I'd like it to be, but it's interesting nevertheless. For example, I think you could narrow down the words when explaining your protagonists' lives before they changed. But that's just a matter of preference. Also, I'm not sure if you need that extra paragraph at the top: "Worlds...lost it all." (Super tiny detail: there's a double space between "worlds" and "collide" in the first paragraph)

All in all, while the story sounds like an ordinary teen fiction/YA story, I have an urge to read it.

Opening chapter

It turns out I had read the first two chapters of your story for a book club and I realized that you have made a lot of changes since I last read it. I congratulate you for your effort and your patience.

Now, to the story. I liked that you gave glimpses of Tay even before you introduced him, and I liked how you described Emori's figure. However, I do think that the way she changed her body is a little too much for a young woman. I like that you touched on a sensitive subject and that you also told us that she exercised and ate healthy too, but I'm not sure if sculpting is right for someone at such a young age. That's only a concern because your target audience must be quite young.

Apart from that, I liked the way people behaved after her change, but I was hoping that she wasn't going for revenge. Living her best life this year sounds awesome, so why ruin it with revenge? (If you actually do it.)

Despite my objections, I found the first chapter easy to read and entertaining.

Plot

In the first two chapters, the narration is the strongest element. It's a nice way to introduce the characters, show their thoughts, and hint at their past and their relationships. But you should be careful not to overdo it. Use more dialogue to move your plot forward, and don't rely on narration to explain everything that happened in the past.

I believe there are a lot of secondary characters, but the main problem is that you introduced them too soon. Both Emori and Tay meet a lot of people in the first 5 chapters, and you try to make all of them distinct with their sub-plots. I congratulate you on that because not every writer tries to distinguish their secondary characters, but it's also important to remember that while Emory and Tay (and you) know these people very well, the readers don't. Was Parker's introduction so necessary that early in the story? And if Tay and Emori weren't close in the last few years, what attracted him to her? Is he so vulnerable that wants to speak to someone from his past? Or is it because Emori doesn't come from a life (football, scholarship) he no longer has?

What I'm trying to say is that you should figure out exactly what your characters want and use your scenes to show it but also make them struggle. Tay didn't speak to Emori when he invited her for lunch at school and he kind of regretted it (but not entirely). Will he change? Why does Emori hang out with Tay's friends when they treated her so horribly and only changed their behavior when her body shape changes?

I'd like to see more conflict, more development in your scenes, and the best way to achieve it is dialogue. The questions I mentioned are only a few questions I'd like to know while writing/reading this story.

Characters

I liked Tay more than Emori because he's a more complex character. I could sense his sadness, frustration, and pain, and I wonder what happened before and during that accident. I also liked that the "survivor's guilt" element. What I liked about his pov is that seeing more into his mind, I realized that despite his mood, his unwillingness to talk, and his distant behavior, he knows he's not okay and he wants to be better. I like this message.

I, also, appreciated that the teachers look very friendly and supportive, and I'm glad Tay has someone on his side.

Since he is blind, you should use his other senses more. You mostly use "hearing" and he "sensed" that Emori wasn't there. So you could use "touch" more like the scene where he tried to sit on his desk. It could help us understand how he feels and how different it is for blind people, especially when they lose their sight suddenly. "Smell" is another great sense that's connected with memory, so you could use this to trigger the flashbacks from the accident.

Sadly, I'm not as fond of Emori. I liked the way you gave hints of her struggle and that you showed that losing weight is only the beginning because most people forget that, and they start eating more after the weight loss. The interaction with her mom was nice, and I got some mom friend vibes. I didn't like how fast she seemed to get along with Travis but not with Tay. Emori is insecure despite her new image which is logical after all the comments she had received in the past, but I'd like to see her evolve into a more confident person. Furthermore, I don't trust her motives and I can't tell what her life was before the change. How close was she to Asa? And why did you linger so much on her reaction and thoughts when she met Tristan? Also, if she cares about Tay so much, how didn't she know about the accident? It looks like it's the talk of the town. These are a few questions I asked myself while reading, and I'd like you to consider them in case you don't want to create a love square.

Lastly, I want to see Tay and Emori interact more. I understand that they were close many years ago, and they have just started warming up to each other, so it's normal that they are distant. But they could share a memory or two about when they were younger.

Extra tip: There's a suggestion (that people tend to follow in recent years) that two characters shouldn't share the same initial. Of course, it's all up to the author, but, sometimes, especially if the names sound alike, the reader might confuse secondary characters like Tristan and Travis. You can either change one of those names or you can try to make those characters as different as possible.

SPaG

There aren't many mistakes, punctuation was perfect (didn't notice any mistakes), and I liked your choice of words.

There's a small typo in chapter four when Tay calls his father a "she" (Or did I get it wrong?)

There are a few sentences that are either incorrect or strange. For example, in chapter 2, this sentence sounds a little strange to me: "As if attention wasn't on me enough." Maybe "As if there wasn't enough attention on me." sounds better.

In chapter 4, Tay says that he calls his psychiatrist, and a few paragraphs later, you wrote: '" No. Respectfully, Doctor Pierce, you don't." She was a psychiatrist.' No need for the last sentence. Instead, you could write something like: "Being a psychiatrist and living the way I did wasn't the same. She couldn't understand everything I felt, everything I needed."

My advice is to read your story aloud. At least, that's how I spot most of those kinds of mistakes.

Overall impression

Your story has some good teen fiction/YA elements, and I liked that you introduced many psychological problems (panic attacks, low self-esteem, bullying, etc). I also admire that you care so much for your story that you've changed it for the best.

I hope I've helped you a little bit. It's a nice story, easy to read at most parts. Be careful not to overdo it with the narration and remember the characters' goals and desires in each scene. I know you can improve this story because you've already done this once or more ;)

Best of luck!