Author: lqcrecva

Title: Lakewood

Title

The title is simple and nice. It works well because it's a story about Lakewood, but you could consider using something more descriptive.

Cover

I love the cover! It's mysterious, scary, and aesthetic. I would make the title's letters bigger and I would add the author's name because I didn't see it anywhere.

Blurb

The blurb is great; Intriguing, short, and doesn't reveal much. I think there's a typo in the second line: "Safe, Serene, Innocent, but as you closer, you started..." The "closer" should be a verb. Closed maybe? Or got closer.

Opening chapter

The first paragraph is the one you used as a blurb, so I would remove it and start directly with the new information "It was that time..."

I didn't see any full stops inside the dialogue, only run-on sentences. When people talk, they pause to take a breath. Sometimes this pause can be "translated" as a full stop. So, check all dialogues and use the full stop when a sentence ends. The run-on sentences are inside the dialogues of all the first six chapters so it's something you should work on.

{A run-on sentence occurs when two or more independent clauses (also known as complete sentences) are connected improperly.}

Another problem is the constant use of dialogue and the overuse of dialogue tags. It's nice that you wanted to have a variety of dialogue tags but sometimes less is better. Dialogue tags can distract your reader. Therefore, your dialogue tags should be almost invisible. Don't be afraid to use "said" and "asked". Also, you can completely omit the dialogue tags if there's a long discussion between two characters.

Adding more description and Jaxson's thoughts could make the story more vivid. People think, watch, smell, and hear. Add descriptions of places, show what's happening inside a room rather than having a character say it. Scenes 2 and 3 of the first chapter went like that:

"Dialogue" action beat/dialogue tag.

"Dialogue" action beat/dialogue tag.

One line of description

"Dialogue" action beat/dialogue tag.

This might look good in an action scene, but we are only at the first chapter and trying to understand what's happening. You can linger more on the descriptions, on the room, on Jaxson's thoughts.

Apart from those technical issues, the plot is interesting. I liked the "new kid" vibe but I was expecting something more mysterious. Maybe the lack of descriptions doesn't let me fully capture what's happening in this place.

The last scene with Veronica and the teacher was unexpected, and it worked as a great ending. I would like some more description there to increase the tension. Instead of having them "sense a presence in the room", maybe Jaxson drops something on the ground. Remember to use all senses, not just sighting.

Plot

Despite the issues I've mentioned before, the dialogues were easy to read. The story is interesting, and I can sense that there are a lot of secrets both in the town and in Jaxson's life. However, you need to remember that the dialogues aren't the only way to move the plot forward. Let your characters think of what they've learned and make them react. For example, the fight between Ace and Jaxson is good. Also, remember that in real life people don't talk constantly without interruptions. Write about something exciting or interesting while people talk. Again, the fight scene between the two boys when the phone rings is a great example. Use that more.

Characters

My favorite character is Veronica because she is a multi-dimensional character. She's not a saint (she hangs out with a group of bullies), but she's not calculated and cold either. She has feelings, a sad background story, a messed family, friends, and foes. I'm not sure if it's wise to trust Jaxson so soon, and, honestly, when I first read the last scene of chapter 1, I thought she had a secret relationship with the teacher. (Maybe they do? I'd have to read more, but for the sake of this review let's say they don't.)

Jaxson, on the other side, is an enigma to me. He seems like the "quiet guy" type. I'm curious why he didn't want to report what the teacher did with Veronica but had weed and even offered some. And let's not forget the smoking moment while hiding in his room. We don't know a lot about his family or his past either. The main problem is that I don't know how he thinks. Where are his thoughts? The first and only thought of Jaxson is at chapter 4. (Btw, I liked the italics, but you didn't have to use the quotation marks.)

I believe there are a lot of characters in the first chapters who appear a little bit and only offer some information. Kai should be more present in the story, Jaxson's family too.

SPaG

I didn't notice any spelling mistakes and the grammar is great. Punctuation was mostly correct. I've already mentioned the excess use of commas inside the dialogues. Here I'd like to mention the dialogue's punctuation when using a dialogue tag and how different it should be when using an action beat.

Everything was perfect in the first couple of chapters, but after chapter 3, things changed. Don't forget to use a comma when using a dialogue tag and a full stop when using an action beat.

Overall impression

I think you have a good idea, but it's important to deliver it well, too. You might have lots of crazy ideas about Lakewood and Jaxson but in our heads, we don't linger on surroundings, on thoughts, or actions. We "see" them. But the readers can't. That's why it's important to show what our readers don't know. As long as we keep a couple of secrets to create cliffhangers and big reveals.

All in all, I believe you can write a really good story. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do next!