LILLY

I climb up the stairs to my apartment with a podcast on sex playing in my ears.

"Partners should make each other comfortable, their energy should match. When you stand in front of them, you need to feel as if there's nothing in the universe except for you and your partner. Your bodies should feel like you're in heat and you're ready to pounce on them and-" I take the earphones out. I don't want to pounce on Josh. I keep praying this night goes right.

Instinctively I touched my cross necklace and sigh, "You're not invited to sexy time tonight."
When I reach my floor, I look up and stand straight. The boot mark on my white door was unnerving. I look around and nothing. Didn't help with the feeling that I lived on the last floor with no neighbors. Just one apartment. Mine. Just one door in the dirty white walls.

I make a run for it. I'm running down the stairs and I'm running out, dialing 911 and I'm pulled into the dark alley. I scream and there's a hand on my mouth and something on my throat. "I've got you now, sweetheart." The man chuckles and presses something cold even more. Felt like a blade. He says in my ear "Don't swallow, the sharp blade will cut through anything that moves. That's how swiftly you can die by your dumbness." I grab his wrist that covered my mouth. I bit my tongue and could taste the blood in my mouth. He says calmly "I'm gonna remove my hand now, okay? You need to be a good little girl and not scream." I don't move my head, I just whimper in agreement. My phone is gone god knows where.

He removes his hand from my mouth and presses me against the brick wall. The bricks shred my elbows and I screech in pain but he presses himself on me, keeping the shiny blade right on the artery. He wore leather gloves and smelled like mint. I try to say "Listen, I have diamond earrings in my apartment, you can have those and you can go. I won't tell anyone anything." He laughs in my face, "Funny bitch. You think I'm hungry for your stupid diamond earrings?" He chuckles with his deep voice and closes into my face "I can see why Carter was fond of you." As soon as the person says his name, my body goes stiff. He notices "Yeah, that's right. I'm looking for Carter. Where is he?" He pressed the knife even more and I hiss as I feel the burn of the slight cut "I swear I don't know! I haven't seen him."

"Yeah, but you're the last one who saw him. Where is he? One swipe and I'll leave you to bleed out here. It's no use trying to save that dickhead. Where is he?" I control my breathing before I could have a panic attack "I don't know. I swear I don't know!" I could feel the drop of blood running down the side of my neck, I could feel that he pressed the knife, even more, I'm done for.

And I don't wanna die.

He says "Do you think that if I take you right now, torture you a little," he pulls the string of my scrubs and it comes undone, but thank god I was wearing an undershirt. He looks down at my chest and smiles "slice this perfect skin and shoves rock salt under it," trailed his knife down the middle of my chest "do you think he'll come running?" He presses his temple to my temple and I close my eyes, a panic attack setting into my soul "Do you think he'll come to save you?" I shake my head, swallow the bile, and say "He won't." His head tilts, "Prey, do tell." I gag but I swallow the bile again "He left me six months ago. I haven't seen him since. He won't come." A strand of his blonde hair kissed his forehead and a scowl set on his lips "Six months?" I hardly could nod but I do.
He growls and pushes me on the ground "You're a fucking dead end." I stay there no matter how badly my palms burned with the rocks under them, I stay on the ground with my head bowed. He nudges my hips with his boot "If you tell anyone about this, I will find you, I will torture you, and then I will sell you. Got that?" My breath shivered "Yes." He rubs his leathered hand on my head and then he walks out of the alley as if nothing happened. I stay. Calm and quiet. I wait for him to move out of sight and then I throw up on the grass that was growing through the concrete.

I threw everything up and then I searched for my phone. The screen was cracked but it still worked. I had a bunch of messages from Josh but I don't read them.

I push myself to get on my feet and then I run upstairs to my apartment. I lock the doors, I lock myself in. And then I stare at the door. Keeping my eyes on it as I chanted to myself "You're safe. You're safe now, Lilly."
I walk to my room, grab the bag, and threw in my nightgown and I took my clothes out to wear. I shouldn't been thinking of going to Josh's place but I can't help. I know deep down it's the shock before the storm and I give into it. Whatever made me feel normal at this second, I let myself do it.

I bring the bag out of the room and threw it on the couch, walking up to the circular mirror on my wall and looking at myself. It wasn't a deep cut, he just broke the skin. I grab a bandage and put it there. No biggie. I'm alive, I'm not hurt.
I'm alive and I'm not hurt.
I'm alive and I'm not hurt.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.
I'm alone.

I stare at the room again, staring at it to make sure no one comes, no one is on the other side waiting to grab me. No one is on the other side to kill me. Then I sink. I sink onto the floor and tears well from my eyes. Oh god, that was scary. I rock back and forth, calming my heart down. That was so scary, that was so damn scary.
I hug my knees and rest my head on them. Tears won't stop even though I was angry at myself for being so damn weak. My phone kept ringing beside me and I keep ignoring it until it rings again for the third time. Josh. I pick up "H-hey." I could hear his smile through the phone "Hey, just wanted to know that you didn't stand me up yet." I smile "N-No, the plan is still on."

"Lilly, you okay?"

I sniff "Y-yeah, I'm- I'm fine. I just- I don't know, Josh. I'm just scared right now." His voice goes soft "Scared of what?" I wipe my tears with the back of my sleeve "Oh, just simple anxiety. I'm excited I guess." I lie. This was not simple anxiety. This was anxiety after a panic attack. The pit of my stomach felt hollowed and my chest felt heavy. Even when I threw everything up, I still felt like I could throw up more anytime on the carpet.
His chuckle on the phone felt calming "Scared of me?"

"No, absolutely not."

"Scared of what could happen between us?"

"I-I guess. Yeah. That's it."

"Come over. We'll figure it out. You know, Lilly, I always liked you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I was kind of mad at you for dating that Daniel guy, but who am I to say that? I'm dumb enough that I didn't tell you how you make me feel. But I like to say it today. I'd like to tell you all of it actually, okay?"

"Okay."

"You want me to come and pick you up?"

I thought about it. At least I wouldn't have to go alone in an Uber. I smile "If it isn't too much of a hassle." He hums "Not at all. I'll be there in 30, okay?" I smile more "Okay, I'll see you then."

"Can't wait."

We hang up. I was finally smiling. My heart was beating again. The hole in my stomach was full again. The bile went down. I felt light and calm.

I take a shower first, shave my legs, and get my clothes ready. I was going to wear jeans and a hoodie for the day. For the rest of the night, it was the gown. I pack my clean scrubs and tucked in my cloud pajama just in case. Ran a brush through my wet hair and waited. I liked Josh. I've liked him for a long time and the fact he likes me back erupts butterflies in my stomach. He likes me.

I was about to zip up the night bag when there was a knock on the door. I smile and look at myself in the mirror one last time, I look okay. Kind of good even. Applied cherry lip balm that made my lips this rich shade of pink.
The knife cut was hidden with a bandaid and the hoodie helped keep it out of sight.

There's a knock again but an impatient one. I say loud "I'm coming!" And then open the door.
My heart sank to my stomach. My anxiety was back. Air got stuck in my throat and for a second I forgot how my lungs work. My hand shivered on the knob but I grab it tighter.
He stands there. In black jeans and a black shirt. Denim jacket on top. Hair wet and unkempt. Face bruised from places that looked fresh. He watched me with brown eyes as he could see into my soul and I shivered visibly as he smiles. My jaw quivered but I could not get a word out.
His eyes were glassy and red, he smelled like musk and something bitter.

He tilts his head and smirks "Hi, Lilly." Casually takes out a cigarette and puts it between his teeth, lighting it up and inhaling a drag, exhaling through his nose. He says again before putting the cigarette back between his lips "Missed me?"

I slammed the door in his face and backed away. No way in hell would I let him in. I finally got free, I finally was on my life track again.

Just 2 weeks with him affected me in a way that I couldn't imagine. And I still wasn't over it. Those two weeks felt like a weight in the back of my head, constantly pulling me down. This can't be real. He isn't real. He isn't here. He left six months ago. He let me go. He can't be here. This is an image my anxiety is creating. It's not Romano outside that door, it's Josh. Because Josh said he would pick me up. It's Josh.
Josh, Josh, Josh.

I open the door again and he's leaning against the threshold, his foot crossed over the other as he smoked in peace "You're gonna slam the door on my face again?" I finally swallow and taught my lungs how to inhale and exhale again.
This was overwhelming. I try to slam the door again but this time, he stuck his boot in. I can't close the door anymore.
He pushes in, walks in with calm, his gaze on me the whole time as if ready to eat me alive.
The back of my knees slammed against my coffee table and I stop. I whimper as if there was no other way out but he kept getting close. He gets closer until his cigarette breath fanned my face and he slowly bends down at the waist, throwing his cigarette into the glass of water behind me. Then he puts his hand on my cheek and swipes his thumb over it. I didn't know I was crying. His fingers brush in the length of my hair and he groans "You smell good."

"Lilly?" Romano tilts his head with questioning eyes and turns around. I look past him and I see Josh. He's heaving with disgust but with curious eyes. His fists clenched to his side. I swallow "J-Josh," his eyes flicker to me as he asks "You okay?" Romano looks at me again with a brow raised. He moved out of the way and says to Josh "You forgot what I told you?" I feel Romano press his hand flat on my waist and push me to step forward. I do. He stays behind me and keeps his hands on my hips, leaning his face too dangerously close to my ears "Throw him out before I end his life in front of you." I move out of his grip and take my steps toward Josh slowly and calmly.

It was dangerous for him. It was too dangerous for him. I hold his arm and he looks at me "Are you okay?" I nod with a smile "I'm fine. I just need some time." My voice drops to a whisper "He just showed up five minutes ago."

"I thought you guys were broken up."

"We are. I swear there's nothing between us. Can we take a rain check on our date? I promise I'll call you before I sleep, okay?"

"How about you come with me or throw this bastard out? Want me to call the police?"

My eyes go wide "No! No police. I'll take care of it is. Promise. I'm perfectly alright. I'm sorry you drove here to pick me up." He shakes his head and puts his hand on my cheek "It's okay. I'm just worried about you." If I begged Josh to call the police now, will we be able to run? I couldn't risk it. I stand on my toes and kiss under his jaw, whispering in his ear "I'm fine. I'll call you, okay?" He nods "If anything goes wrong call me as soon as you can and I'll come to pick you up, okay?" I nod again with a smile "Thank you." He kisses between my brows and with one last threatening glance at Romano, he's gone.

I close the door and take a deep breath. I turn to look at him as he says "I saved your life twice and I never got a kiss on the jaw before." I scoff, anger getting to my head "Because you put me in danger twice." He rolls his eyes and turns to look at the couch. Then he bends to pick something up and turns to me. He was holding my lace black panties and looked at me with a smirk "Was Josh about to get lucky tonight?"
I stride and grab it from his hands but he pulls his hand up and sprawls on the couch. "Now, you can try and get it." I swallow and stand still, watching as he rolled the lace around his fingers in enjoyment.
I finally find the courage to ask "Why are you here?" He shrugs but no proper answer. I try again "I didn't tell anyone about anything." He nods "I know. If you did, I would've been here sooner." I hate how my stomach felt when he played with my panties. Twisting him around his long slender fingers, hooking the tips of his finger at the crotch as he wrapped the rest around his fist. I make a rush to grab them and I do but he bites his bottom lip and grabs me by my waist, pulling me down on him. He groans but chuckles, wrapping his legs around me, and trapping me down on him. The panties were gone-on the floor. He smiles as he gets closer to my lips "Gotcha."
He felt warm under me, felt like he was burning up.

His fingers push in my wet hair and pull my face closer, his lips brushing on mine but he tilts his head and inhales in my neck. My body froze. My chest felt tight as he groans "You smell so fucking good, Lilly." I feel his lips on my skin but then his body feels tense under me and he pulls at the bandage. One second I'm on top and the other second, I'm at the bottom. He flipped us over. I have my eyes clenched with fear, knowing damn well he was pissed for some reason. His voice was low near my ear that it made a shiver escape my lips "Who did this?"
I slowly open my eyes and find his jaw clenched, his eyes red and watery with anger. Something was different about him. Something off. I realize "You're high." Then I start struggling under him, trying to push him off me. He has me pinned to my dirty beige couch, he has me pinned under him.

He takes my struggling wrists in his hands and pins them to my sides. Tears fill in my eyes as I ask with a shaky voice "Why are you here?" His head tilts at my question but he's too damn stubborn, too damn focused on only one question "Who did this?" I cry "Please just go away. Leave me alone." He let go of my wrists and holds my face as I began crying, wanting nothing to do with him. Wanting him to go away from my life. I cry with my eyes clenched.
He eyes "Lilly, look at me. Open your eyes. You need to listen to me." I cry loudly "Please, go away." His warning sends a shiver down my body "Lilly," I open my eyes and watch him through my blurred vision, tears falling sideways. His voice is soft now when he says "Lilly, darling, you need to tell me who did this." He wipes my tears, he swipes his thumb under my nose, and pushes my hair away from my face "Was it Josh? Did Josh do this?" I shake my head. He grunts and sits back on the couch but he pulls me up with him, pulling me onto his lap. I curved into a ball as he holds me.

I'm stuck like a ball in his arms too afraid to move. He stroked my wet hair and stared straight at nothing "If you don't tell me who did this I will go out of my fucking mind, Lilly." He pushes his fingers in my hair and scrunched them in his fist, pulling on them so I would look up. He breathed close to my lips and I catch my breath from crying too much, inhaling harsher so I could breathe again. He speaks slowly, word by word "Who did this to you, Lilly?" I catch my breath "I don't know. I don't know him."

Suddenly, I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, and my back hurts. I have too much fear inside of me. My eyes feel heavy I whisper "I don't know." Then I'm falling into an endless pit of darkness. Falling limp in his arms.

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Love, Hope
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