Carrots, Beetroot and Bananas.

Summary: Modern AU. Hiccup offers to put up a onesie-wearing Snotlout after an accident damages his apartment. But with the twins in tow, chaos, misunderstandings and pizza fraud ensues...

A/N: Not really sure where this came from but it definitely involved a conversation with Vala 411... and may have been influenced by too many mince pies. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own How To Train Your Dragon. Rights remain with Cressida Cowell and Dreamworks.

It began, as many things did on a Monday. The worst day of the week, with the relief of the weekend already a distant memory and an aeon of dull and repetitive work to wade through before the bliss of Friday evening and the chance to relax again.

Hiccup Haddock disliked Mondays as much as the next Berkian, even though he didn't particularly dislike his job as a design engineer, because the week meant that he had precious little time free to spend with his girlfriend of four years. Astrid was frantically busy, with her job as a fitness instructor and her other job working as a waitress in the evenings in the vegan cafe with her friends Dagur, Heather and Dagur's new wife, Mala. Their group of friends all found this odd, since her fitness instructor post was comfortably remunerated, but Astrid argued that she was helping Dagur and Heather out while their new business was getting onto its feet. Not that the vegan market was large to start with in Berk, an island proud of its viking heritage and a cuisine consisting of large lumps of meat, fish and honey mead. But of course the other reason why Astrid was working so hard was that she was determined to pay her share towards the deposit the couple wanted to put down on an apartment together by the end of the year. Hiccup was well-paid and had some savings as well as his inheritance from his late mother but Astrid was fierce, independent and determined and he would never insult her by suggesting that she needn't pay her half. He knew how much the action meant to her, though he was determined to find a way to persuade her that he could pay more of the day to day costs of running and living in the apartment so she only had to find her half of the mortgage. That way, they both owned their home as equals.

But he was surprised to receive a phone call from his cousin, Simon 'Snotlout' Jorgensen, who lived in a slightly dilapidated apartment building a few streets from where the couple were thinking of buying. Snotlout-who had bullied Hiccup when they were younger though they had a truce since Junior Year at High School-was a few months younger than his cousin but acted as if he was a lot older and was always condescending, despite the fact Hiccup was far more successful than Snotlout. Buoyed by a sense of entitlement and a mass of unrealistic expectations fuelled by his equally dumb father, Spitelout, Snotlout was permanently determined to show Hiccup that he was the more successful, handsome and desirable male. Which was why him calling and explicitly asking for help was so unusual.

Unenthusiastic but driven on by a sense of duty, Hiccup found himself after work knocking on the bright red door of Snotlout's small apartment. His cousin opened the door immediately and invited him in, a bottle of beer already resting on the kitchen table. But it wasn't the unprecedented generosity that had Hiccup confused. Snotlout was stocky and a full head shorter than Hiccup's lean six foot one frame but what drew the eye was the fact that the man was dressed in a bright orange carrot onesie. Feeling the world tilt slightly, Hiccup sank into a chair, swigged his beer and stared at his cousin.

"Snot-why are you dressed as a giant vegetable?" he asked, deciding there was no point beating about the bush. Appearing mildly embarrassed, Snotlout averted his clear blue eyes and sucked his own beer.

"Weeeeelll...the twins spilled beetroot juice over my clothes...the ones I rescued after the wardrobe fire..." he explained quickly.

Hiccup blinked, wondering why any visit to his cousin approximated a visit to an alternate reality.

"What wardrobe fire?" he asked faintly. He received a superior look.

"The one caused by the attempt to fire a rocket indoors," he explained as if it was obvious. Sighing, Hiccup rubbed his temples, feeling a headache start. He should have guessed when the word 'twins' had entered the conversation.

"Oh Gods," Hiccup grumbled. Snotlout shrugged and drained his beer.

"Yeah...so..." he said and walked to the fridge, pulling out two more bottles. "I'm guessing you need another."

"Never more," Hiccup admitted.

"Of course, I can't wear any of my clothes until they're properly laundered," the stocky man explained.

"Yeah, beetroot can be..."

"No-I'm allergic," Snotlout explained. "I swell up, I get this blotchy rash, I can't breathe..."

Hiccup sighed. Yup-his headache was coming along nicely now. There was no point asking why the severely allergic Snotlout had beetroot juice in his apartment to spill all over his remaining unincinerated clothes...

"So this is all you have to wear?" he asked. His cousin looked indignant.

"Of course not!" he snapped. "I have a banana onesie as well-but that's really for best...."

Hiccup drained his second beer. There really wasn't an answer to that.

"Soooo...I was wondering if I could stay with you until I repaint my room..." Snotlout slipped in quickly, hoping Hiccup wouldn't notice. But years of dealing with his cousin and his cousin's best friends-the Thorston twins, Raquel 'Ruffnut' and Tommy "Tuffnut'-had taught him to pay attention at all times.

"Show me," Hiccup demanded, rising to his feet and scowling. Grumbling under his breath about 'stupid Hiccup', Snotlout slouched his way to the only closed door in the apartment and opened it, then walked in. Hiccup gazed past him at the charcoal skeleton which seemed to be all that remained of the wardrobe. There were indeed a few charred scraps of what Hiccup assumed had been his clothes, as well as the charred remnants of the curtains and the singed edge of the rather garish orange and brown geometric counterpane on the bed. The walls were liberally smeared with ash and the ceiling was grey.

"It's pretty rank sleeping in here," Snotlout suggested helpfully.

"How did your onesies survive?"

"They were under the bed."

"Ah." Unable to help himself, Hiccup paced, his emerald eyes flicking over the ruin.

"Why can't you sleep on the couch?" he asked.

"I sublet it to the twins. It's a fold-out bed," Snotlout told him without shame.

"So you're happy leaving the twins alone in your apartment?" Hiccup checked, peering into his beer bottle. It was still empty. Snotlout spun to face him, his face red.

"Of course not," he sneered. "That's why they're coming with me."

"Hey hey hey..." Hiccup protested, waving the bottle around wildly. "I didn't even say you could stay with me. I have a one bedroom apartment and Astrid stays over with me half the time. More than half the time, actually. Now, I could possibly explain away the fact I was allowing my cousin to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but the twins? Oh, there isn't enough chocolate in the world to persuade her to believe any excuse for them!"

"Gruffnut," Snotlout said.

"What?"

"Their cousin Gruffnut is staying with their parents which is why they can't go home for a few days," Snotlout explained.

"Why not?"

There was a sigh and Snotlout trailed back to the kitchen and produced another two bottles of beer. Then he collapsed into a chair and swigged his beer miserably.

"Because they hate Gruffnut. Or rather, Ruff does. Tuff worships their cousin...but every time he blows into their lives, Tuff always ends up in trouble and Gruffnut leaves richer, laden down with their possessions and laughing at his gullible cousins." Hiccup stared at him.

"What?"

"Gruffnut is a grifter and a professional con artist," Snotlout explained. "He's very plausible and he looks a lot like Tuff. So last time, Tuff ended up in jail, accused of multiple counts of shoplifting and stealing from Sven's Viking Pizza and the Berk Historical Re-Enactment and Preservation Society. Who were calling for the death penalty for stealing thirty dollars and six pins."

"Wow. And let me guess. Tuff still thinks the sun shines out of Gruffnut's butt?" Hiccup sighed.

"Ruff won't let her brother near him because she spends the next month building him back up and the disappointment of Gruffnut letting him down...again..." Snotlout sighed. "Look, I know you think they're crazy..."

"They are crazy," Hiccup pointed out.

"Most of the time, yes. But they are good fun and loyal friends."

"When they're not almost burning down your apartment," Hiccup pointed out.

"Also granted. But Ruff is really worried about Tuff. And they're my friends."

That was the rub. Hiccup knew the twins and while they were wild, dangerous and incredibly reckless, they were also loyal and capable of surprising kindness and compassion. When he lost part of his left leg in the horrible car crash in Junior Year that also cost him his Mom, Ruff and Tuff had been at the hospital every day, spending half the summer cheering him up and helping him come to terms with the twin losses (no pun intended) of his Mom and leg. And they would never let anyone refer to him as a cripple-though they did tease him about his prosthetic leg. And though he saw them much less frequently with the combination of work and his relationship with Astrid, they were still friends.

"I'm doomed," he groaned. Snotlout grinned.

"So you'll do it?" he guessed. Hiccup buried his face in his hands and nodded once.

"You can all fight over who gets the sofa and who sleeps on the inflatable mattress. Which you have to buy and bring for yourselves. The bed is mine. You do not bring any other stuff over except one small bag. And no rockets, beetroots or any stupid stunts." He looked up. "And on Saturday morning, you idiots will be up with the dawn and we will all come here, remove the remains of your wardrobe, repaint the room and build a new wardrobe from Ikea. And Saturday night you are all back here. Understood?"

"But what if I strike lucky and get a date?"

"Nope."

"Or if I have a heavy night on Friday?"

"Crack of dawn, no matter how hung over you are."

"Or if I don't find a wardrobe I like at Ikea?"

"Snotlout-I don't care if you put your clothes in a fridge. But you are back here on Saturday. Understood?"

"I..."

"UNDERSTOOD?"

"Yes, Hiccup."

And then Hiccup rested his head on the table and realised what he had just done.

oOo

"Are you insane?"

"Probably."

"Determined to drive me crazy?"

"Not intentionally."

"But unintentionally?"

"If it's any consolation, I'll go insane far sooner than you will."

"It's not. AGH! I cannot believe you've done this to me!"

"Actually, I can't believe that I've done this to ME," Hiccup sighed, facing an irate Astrid. In fact she had taken the news better than expected-meaning she hadn't punched him, yelled, stormed out, broken their relationship off and moved to another continent-though he guessed she may reconsider her options when his new temporary housemates arrived. But suddenly, she sagged and sat on the couch next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "But Snotlout can't sleep in that room-it does need airing and is full of soot. And no one in his right mind would leave the twins alone in their house."

"This is Snotlout we're talking about," she reminded him, turning her big blue eyes on him. Even exhausted in sweaty jogging pants and top, Astrid was lovely. Absently, he stroked her golden hair, half falling-out of its braid.

"True," he conceded. "But he is my cousin and I said it was only until Friday night. Saturday, we all go to his apartment, repaint his bedroom and then I'll take him to Ikea to get a new wardrobe."

"Not the romantic Saturday I had planned," she murmured. "I was thinking...walk in the park, breakfast at Lars' Breakfast Emporium, catching the open-air production of 'The Tempest' at the Park Circle and then dinner with your Dad."

"Okay-it's official...I hate Snotlout," Hiccup sighed as she reached up and kissed him.

"I'll change our tickets to Sunday and we can do it all on Sunday...except dinner with your Dad which I already promised him," she told him softly. "We're both working hard and I know he misses you terribly."

"As soon as this current project is over, I'll take some time off and we'll all go up to the cabin by the lake," Hiccup promised, raking his hand through his hair. "Dad and Gobber will love to come and we can go for walks, swimming, cooking obscenely large hunks of meat on the grill..." Astrid chuckled.

"You know I work in a vegan cafe?" she reminded him.

"You're still a carnivore," he murmured. She nodded.

"Of course-and my friends respect that because I made it clear when I offered to help them waitressing," she smiled. "And that entire plan sounds perfect." Then she sighed. "But this is the last time we'll be able to do this until Saturday. And you know Snot will hit on me non-stop when I'm here?"

Hiccup sighed. Somehow, despite his occasional flashes of maturity, his cousin still laboured under the misapprehension that Astrid was secretly in love with him and that he only needed to try harder and she would abandon Hiccup to fall, swooning in his arms. Apart from the fact that she had made clear too many times to count that she couldn't ever imagine finding him attractive and would never go out with him, he remained undeterred. In fact, she had promised to punch him the next time he flirted with her.

"You could always...not come over," Hiccup said miserably. She sat bolt upright.

"Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third!" she snapped and he winced. No one ever used his full name unless he was in real trouble...especially Astrid. "Are you asking me not to come round? Is that what you really want?"

"No," he sighed. "But I would understand if you wanted to avoid all this..." She took his face in her hands and stared into his eyes.

"Know this," she told him shortly. "I love you with every beat of my heart, you sassy one-legged fishbone. I would do anything to spend time with you-even if you have taken in three less-than-welcome lodgers. I know your heart is bigger than your brain-which is saying something because you are pretty much the smartest person I know. And even if I have to endure a week of the worst flirting this side of Ragnarok, I will be here to make sure those idiots don't wreck your home and drive you insane." He leaned forward and kissed her, then rested his forehead against hers.

"I am so lucky to have you, my ferocious, brave Valkyrie..." he murmured as the door slammed open and Snotlout and the twins ambled in.

"Heya Babe-you can drop that loser now! Your hero has arrived!" Snotlout announced, still in his rapidly-becoming-trademark onesie. Hiccup groaned as Astrid looked up and scowled.

"Strange. I thought my hero would be taller. And not dressed as a vegetable!" she snarked. Snotlout leaned close and waggled his eyebrows.

"Betcha just dying to get me out of my onesie!" he leered.

"Ew. And no. Never. I am happy to bury you in that thing. In fact..." Astrid said and punched him. He gave a loud whine and collapsed backwards, clutching his nose. The twins collapsed against each other, laughing helplessly as Hiccup sat back on the couch and groaned.

"This is going to be a long week," he sighed.

oOo

By Thursday, Hiccup was officially ready to commit multiple (triple) murder. It had been far, far worse than he had guessed. He had started out with low expectations of his week doing a massive favour to his self-centred cousin and his even more selfish and thoughtless friends but even he had underestimated how trying it was turning out to be. They had occupied the living room and the couch, taken over the TV and monopolised the bathroom so that Hiccup was forced to dash in-often at the last minute-to endure a cold shower and bemoan the fact that his 'guests' had used his toothpaste, shower gel and shampoo, leaving almost none for his own use. In fact, he found himself feeling miserably like a student, being forced to remove his personal effects from the bathroom to hide in his own room. Not that it had helped as he found Tuffnut rooting around in his drawers looking for some more shower gel as he'd finished the bottle in the bathroom. Hiccup had bodily thrown him out and told the moocher to buy his own.

It was the same in the morning, when he had emerged to get ready for work. He had nearly tripped over the inflatable bed with the twins sleeping on it like corpses on his way to the bathroom every time, then sneaked to the kitchen to make a cold breakfast-though often without milk, which Snotlout tended to drink like water. And then his unwanted guests, who had kept him awake half the night watching TV or cable had hissed at him to shut up when he was perfectly normally going to work to pay for the apartment they were sleeping in.

Getting back from a long and tiring day at work on Thursday and spending the evening sitting on his bed, watching 'Guess the Vegetable' on his laptop, Hiccup found himself regretting ever being sympathetic to his idiot cousin. And then the whole apartment shook, the volume of the television turned up to 100. A neighbour banged on the wall and Hiccup groaned: he had tried to remain on good terms with his neighbours but now these muttonheads were annoying them almost as much as they were Hiccup. Growling, he rose to his feet and stalked out of his room. Snotlout looked up.

"Hey, cuz," he said nonchalantly. "We're out of shampoo."

Hiccup snatched the remote from him and muted the TV, turned the volume down and then switched it off.

"We're not," he snapped. "I have plenty. You can go and buy your own." Hs cousin pouted.

"I'm your guest!" he grumbled. Scowling, Hiccup glared at him.

"That means nothing," he snapped. "I have kindly given you a roof over your head when I could have told you to stay at home or pay for a motel. But that doesn't mean I supply you with anything. You can get your own shower gel, shaving foam, shampoo, deodorant and food. Especially food. I am not feeding your greedy, lazy ass!" The somewhat grubby carrot straightened up.

"Someone's touchy!" he snarked.

"Someone has neighbours who don't want to hear whatever inane nonsense you're watching!" Hiccup retorted. "Why was the TV on so loud that they could hear it in Berserk?"

"I wondered how loud it went," Tuffnut told him. Lanky and dressed in combat pants and a buff tee-shirt, his blond dreadlocks strewn over his face, the male twin was almost horizontal. "Good quality item, man." Hiccup scowled.

"The bit about supplies goes for all of you," he said loudly. "And now, I think you all need to go to Sven's Bar." They stared at him. Ruffnut-dressed identically to her twin but with her pale blonde hair in three thick braids-squinted up from the floor, where she was lying over Hiccup's dragon plushie.

"But we don't wanna go," she said simply. "You've got a better TV and cable than Snot and we want to make use of it while we can. We're planning to binge 'Murder Zone' all night, in fact."

"Er...no, you're not," Hiccup told them bluntly. "I have work and I need sleep. You are incapable of being quiet-you've just proved that-so no late night binges. If I hear a peep, you are all going to have to find elsewhere to stay. Understand?"

"But you promised..." Snotlout started and then caught the look in his cousin's eye. Hiccup was pretty much the easiest-going of men but he had the old Haddock temper buried deep and the last person who had annoyed him-Snotlout, in fact-had found out that not only did Hiccup have a temper but that he also possessed a punch that could fell a charging yak.

"And I can change my mind if you abuse my trust," Hiccup told him irritably. "So you're going out so I can have a quiet evening at home." There was a pause and Snotlout stared at Hiccup. His eye was twitching and he looked uncannily like his father, Stoick 'the Vast' Haddock, Mayor of Berk.

"Guys-I feel a night at the bar would do us all good," he said hastily, scrambling to his feet. "First round's on me." Reluctantly, the twins followed him to the door.

"They all better be on you," Tuff grumbled. "This sublet isn't what we were promised."

"Or you could sleep in the park on a bench as you wrecked my apartment," Snotlout growled as they exited, leaving Hiccup sagging. He turned round and tried to tidy the place up, picking up a dozen mugs and glasses and doing a round of washing up that was interrupted by a knock at the door. Bracing himself for a tirade from his irate neighbours, he hastily dried his hands and walked tot he door, an apologetic expression on his face-but when he opened it, he found the cringing shape of his girlfriend.

"Astrid?" he gaped.

"Are they gone?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder. He nodded.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Not that it doesn't totally make my day..." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss that left him breathing hard and feeling entirely too warm.

"I thought you might need moral support," she told him, walking in and closing and chaining the door. "I heard them grumbling that you'd told them to go out for the evening and hoped you would want a visit from your girlfriend..."

"I do," he sighed. "Gods, I do." He wrapped his arms around her and refused to let go. So she stood there for a few moments, resting her head on his shoulder and hugging him tightly.

"So I take it Snot and the twins are more trying than you imagined?"

"Much, much more," he sighed. "They seem to think I have adopted them as my kids rather than doing them a favour in giving them floor room. They've stolen everything they can get their hands on and have annoyed half my neighbours. The TV has never had so much use-I don't think the twins have actually moved from here since they traipsed in..." She kissed him again and then gently pulled away.

"Well, I'm here now," she told him, pulling a bottle of wine out of her bag. "What can I do?" He gave a small smile.

"If you open the wine, I'll whip you up some pasta," he said. "I hid some in the..." He looked in the tea caddy and sighed. Then he checked the fridge-to find it completely empty. The bin contained an empty pasta packet, empty passata can, empty tomato can, an empty Parmesan cheese wrapper and fourteen beer cans. He sagged. "Or maybe I can ring for a pizza." Astrid took his hand.

"It's okay, Babe," she soothed him. "Just tomorrow night-and you'll be with me at the special event at 'the Meatless Viking' all evening. And then Saturday morning at 6am, we drag Snotlout back to his apartment and change the locks on yours, just in case." Taking the huge glass of wine she gave him, he took a big gulp and sighed.

"I like that thinking," he complimented her as they sank onto the couch. He fished out the pizza menu and dialled the familiar number. "The usual?" he asked as the dialling tone sounded. She nodded. "Hi-this is Hiccup Haddock of apartment 22, Bifrost Gardens. Could I place an order? One medium thin crust Viking Meatfeast and one medium Four Seasons, extra artichokes, hold the red onion and a side of cheesy garlic bread, extra garlic. Also two bottles of cola, one light. Thanks. That's twenty minutes-that's perfect." He paused. "What bill?" he asked, his brow furrowing.

Astrid frowned as Hiccup grew redder and redder.

"So a short man dressed as a carrot came to the store, ordered seven giant meaty and volcanic pizzas with five maximum garlic breads and you just took his word for it and put them on my 'tab'?" Hiccup asked incredulously. "You know I don't have a tab! What? He claimed he was my cousin and I would cover him." He was breathing hard and Astrid took his hand. "Sorry, Sven-he lied to you. He's my cousin but I am not going to subsidise him. His name is Snotlout Gary Jorgensen and he works as a security guard at Berk Museum of Cultural Knitting. He's on duty tomorrow morning so you can find him there. His apartment is number 13, Monstrous Crescent. But I am not paying seventy eight dollars for his damned pizzas!"

Sagging, Hiccup listened to Sven's high voice.

"I am sorry, Sven, but I can't afford to cover someone else's pizzas when they lie to you and try to get me to pay for them without my knowledge!" Hiccup said regretfully. "He may be my cousin but he's an adult and he has to pay his own way. And yes, you have my permission to send Lars, Olaf and Bjorn to have a talk to him if he refuses to pay. Okay, twenty minutes it is." Astrid stared at him and sipped her wine.

"Did you just give him permission to send his three massive nephews after Snot for an unpaid pizza bill?" she asked him. He nodded and drained his glass of wine.

"I dread to think who else they have stiffed and left me to sort out," he sighed. "We'll never get our own place together at this rate..." But she kissed him and refilled his glass.

"Don't stress, Babe," she whispered. "By next month, I'll have my half of the deposit and we can finally get our own place together. And no cousins or twins will be allowed. At all!"

"What would I do without you?" he asked, wrapping his arm around her. She snuggled against him

"Get exploited by lazy entitled grasping cousins," she hummed. "But after tonight, there's only one night left to go."

oOo

Friday evening as different because Hiccup hadn't headed back to the apartment at all. Instead, he had headed for the warmth and Nordic simplicity of 'the Meatless Viking' for the special event. Dagur and Heather had come up with the idea of 'Free From Friday' where they offered a selection of vegan treats excluding other problem ingredients like gluten and celery. Coming in from the freezing evening with wind-reddened cheeks, Hiccup had taken his seat in the little corner table that Astrid saved for him with a sigh of relief. She would be busy during the evening but at least he got to spend a few minutes with her-and Dagur, Heather and Mala-who were his friends-all stopped over to talk with him during the evening.

Hiccup loosened his tie and shoved his computer bag under the table, then smiled as Astrid bought him a coffee and a beer. Dressed in skinny black jeans, black tee-shirt and black apron, she flashed him a brilliant smile.

"Dagur has an amazing menu planned," she said, gesturing to the 'Specials' board. "Can I interest you in a meal, sir?" He smiled up at her and nodded.

"You know, I think the soup, then the cassoulet and finally the brownie surprise," he said. "And maybe five minutes to sit with my fabulous girlfriend?" She glanced around the almost empty restaurant and sighed.

"You know Dagur advertised it as fancy dress?" she sighed. "Not that any decent Vikings come here-present company excepted-because we don't sell large hunks of meat. There have been a few-especially since we did that 'Can you tell?' event at the Stump Day Festival a few months back-but most Berkians don't want to admit to not eating meat for every meal..."

"I thought you told me that the students from Gothi College were becoming regulars here," he pointed and she nodded, slipping into the seat opposite him.

"They are-but Dagur can't survive only on students," she admitted. Hiccup frowned.

"Deliveries?" he suggested. "There are a few people in Berk who have food allergies and he has a good selection of 'free from' recipes. If he wants, I can pep up his website..." Astrid cringed.

"He doesn't actually have one yet..." she admitted. Hiccup frowned.

"Um...what? But you've been open six months!" he asked and then looked over at the counter. Dagur waved and Hiccup frowned and beckoned him over. A buff man with short spiky career red hair, a very stubbly beard, pale green eyes and 'claw' tattoos over his left eye, he was a former soldier who had retired with PTSD but was open and cheerful most of the time.

"Evening, brother!" he exclaimed happily. "Is there a problem?"

"Astrid says you don't have a website," Hiccup told him without preamble. Looking uncomfortable, Dagur rubbed the back of his neck.

"Ah," he said. "Well, money's tight and I'm not sure if being a vegan I should follow the standard capitalist model of online marketing..."

"You know that makes no sense, right?" Hiccup told him honestly. "Dagur-people look online. You need to have a digital footprint-your ethos, your menu, pictures of you and the staff, pictures of the restaurant, the story of your ethically-sourced food..." He paused. "And a delivery menu." Dagur blinked.

"What?"

"Maybe you could offer a delivery service...limited menu, perhaps especially for the 'free from' customers who have more difficulty in getting standard takeouts?" Hiccup suggested. "Look, you're a friend and Astrid works here, so I am happy to do your website for you. I can snap some pictures, put your menu up...you don't have to commit to any deliveries or anything but at least consider the website. It will bring in more business and give you the platform you deserve..." There was a pause and then Dagur pulled him into a crushing hug.

"You would do that for me?" he asked in a tearful voice. "I don't know what to say..."

"Air!" Hiccup gasped. Dagur frowned.

"Well, that would be about the last thing I would have imagined would be appropriate, given your generous offer...unless it's an abstract concept..." he began.

"No, he needs air because you're crushing him," Astrid pointed out with a smile. Dagur blinked and released the gasping Hiccup.

"Sorry, brother."

"Don't mention it. Seriously," Hiccup said, taking deep breaths.

"But that's a great idea and I would be so grateful," Dagur admitted. "And I'll discuss the delivery idea with the others. It could work...maybe with a limited menu and a rolling day for 'free from' ingredients..." He smiled and ambled back to the kitchen, still talking to himself. Astrid leaned forward and pecked a kiss on Hiccup's cheek.

"Thanks, Babe," she murmured. "Are you sure?" He turned and stole a quick kiss of his own.

"Completely," he assured her. "Despite his propensity for crushing me, Dagur's a good man and if I can help him, I will."

"Then one coffee and one beer are on their way and I'll put your order through," she promised, heading back to the counter while he pulled out his computer and logged onto the WiFi. Carefully, he logged on and started the process of registering and then starting to build the website. He barely noticed his coffee arriving or his beer-though he did break for his parsnip soup-and the restaurant was getting busier as he carried on, photographing each of his dishes and the menu with his phone and the logo in particular as he began to plan the details. But he hadn't even half-finished when he heard three very unwelcome voices.

"Ah-there you are!"

He looked up to see Snotlout-in his 'best' Banana Onesie-standing by the table along with the twins, who were improbably also dressed as fruit-Ruff as a tomato and Tuff as a strawberry. He snapped his computer closed and glared at them, absently snatching his beer from Snotlout's hand.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Weeeeeelllll...as it's our last night I thought you'd want to spend it with us...you know, reminiscing about how much fun we've had," Snotlout said, plopping awkwardly in the other chair. The twins scrounged two additional chairs from other tables and crammed themselves on the other side of the table, blocking the walkway.

"No," Hiccup said honestly. "Mainly because I haven't had any fun. You three have been nightmares and I am happy to be having an evening away from you." Tuff slapped him on the shoulder.

"You're a joker, Hiccy!" he said and poked Hiccup's cassoulet. "What's this? It looks like someone's already puked it up!" Hiccup scowled and grabbed the fork from the male twin.

"It's delicious," he said defensively. "And no, I'm not joking. You lot have taken over my apartment until I forced you to go out yesterday evening so I could get some peace and quiet. And now I am out getting some peace and quiet of my own."

"With us," Snotlout corrected him and snapped his fingers in the air. "SERVICE! Honestly, what's a man gotta do to get some food around here?" A figure in back walked up.

"I'm afraid you can't sit there!" Astrid said shortly. "You're blocking the walkway. There is a table over there you can use." Snotlout looked up to make a smug remark-and then gaped.

"Astrid. Honey. You look divine," he schmoozed. "I get it. You want me to yourself..."

"Nope-I want you and them to stop blocking the way," she told him sharply. "It's dangerous. Or I could throw you out."

"Someone's needy. You not getting any?"

"Say one more word on that subject and I will have a nasty accident with Dagur's meat cleaver and 'little Snotlout'. Understood?" Astrid hissed in his ear. He started and went pale.

"That table over there? Yes...much better..." And he got up, grabbed the twins and moved to the four-person table in the opposite corner. Hiccup breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry,' he sighed. "I never thought he'd voluntarily come to a vegan restaurant since he literally eats meat at every meal. He's a total muttonhead. I must have left your menu out..." Shaking her head, she shoved her pad back in the pocket of her apron.

"I think they know where I work," she confessed. "You need another beer." He caught her arm.

"Astrid-Snot is very allergic to beetroot. As in can't-breathe allergic. Please make sure the twins don't play any funny pranks on him. I know he's a muttonhead but I don't want him dead." She stared into his earnest face and nodded.

"Nor do I...really," she admitted. "Okay. But if they play up, Dagur may throw them out. He's getting rather stressed. When told that the 'free from' menu means we cut out various ingredients like gluten and celery, someone asked for celery bread. He nearly blew up then..." Hiccup smirked and she sighed. "Okay, it is kind of funny but you know Dagur. Mala has him chanting at the moment but that's slowing service down. And the restaurant is filling up."

"You could maybe just do specials," Hiccup advised. "That maybe would make it easier."

"Heather said that already-but Dagur refused. He doesn't want to let his guests down..." Hiccup grimaced.

"Oh dear," he murmured. "Could I maybe have my brownie to go?"

"You bailing on me, Babe?" she asked him, a thoughtful look in her azure eyes. He shook his head.

"No-I'll have a coffee as well," he reassured her. "But if things go south, I'll still have my brownie to enjoy afterwards..." She looked offended.

"You think something will go wrong?" she asked. He gestured to the corner where the twins were juggling with the condiment set.

"I think stressed Dagur and those three are not a great combination," he commented.

"Nuff said," she conceded and stalked off the get his coffee. On the way, she stopped and attended to three other tables, but Hiccup didn't mind. He was in no hurry and it warmed his heart to see Astrid, his fierce and determined girlfriend, crouch down to smile and talk to a little girl then help an elderly couple choose from the menu before she arrived back at the Pass. In the meantime, Snotlout and the twins had their order taken by Heather, Dagur's sister and Astrid's oldest friend. Slender and graceful with raven hair braided over her shoulder and bright green eyes dominating a narrow face, Heather was smart and driven but she loved her brother so she had quit her career as a veterinary nurse to help Dagur with his dream. She was tentatively dating one of the Vets, an old friend of Hiccup's, Finlay 'Fishlegs' Ingerman. In fact, Hiccup expected Fishlegs to turn up at some point to support the restaurant.

"Three beers!" Snotlout yelled as Hiccup winced. His cousin really had no manners and no concept of how to behave in polite company. He suspected that it was only because they had arrived in fancy dress-as vegan-friendly vegetables, no less- that they hadn't already been ejected. Growling, Heather slammed three bottles of 'Startled Sheep' beer on the table and stalked off as the twins made 'oooh' noises.

"Someone isn't worried about her tip," Ruff snarked. Heather stiffened, her fists tightening.

"Are you sure you don't want the banana bread or carrot cake for afters?" she checks. Snotlout looked shocked.

"That's cannibalism!" he protested as she rolled her eyes.

"You know this is a vegan restaurant?" she asked him as he concentrated on her beer. Growling, she walked off.

"Can't handle all this magnificence," he said, gesturing to his banana outfit. "I can't help being an absolute girl magnet. Now where's the food? And are you sure you don't have a steak back there?"

Between working on the website and drinking his coffee, Hiccup watched the threesome. They threw food, made loud comments about the lack of meat and scoffed at the other guests. Both Astrid and Heather had to speak to them but they ignored the reproaches and Hiccup saw his girlfriend struggling with her desire to punch them. On duty, she really wasn't allowed to act like a Berkian and communicate through violence so she had to grit her teeth and remind herself that the next time she saw Snotlout, she wouldn't be at work. And worse, they had needed to substitute some of Snotlout's choices since they contained beetroot-and had needed to put up with his moaning and whinging when he protested that he had wanted that dish because it looked 'meaty'. The twins were giggling and both Heather and Astrid realised that they had tricked their friend into ordering the dishes.

Amid this, Hiccup's cell phone went off. He frowned at the caller ID-PIZZA SVEN'S-and answered.

"I'm really sorry," Sven said in a hurry. "But that friend of yours didn't turn up at work so my nephews really want to talk to you." Hiccup gaped.

"What? I'm looking at the muttonhead right now. He said he was going to work..." He groaned. "That's it-he's evicted."

"Where are you?" Sven asked in his high pitched voice.

"The Meatless Viking," Hiccup revealed. "Snotlout is dressed as a giant banana." There was a pause.

"Does he have some sort of fetish?" Sven asked curiously. Hiccup shrugged.

"You know, maybe they can ask him when they arrive..." he commented as the door slammed open and three enormous men walked in. All had the fair hair and jug ears of the Svensson clan and they made a bee-line for Hiccup. Eyes wide and mouth agape, he turned back to his phone.

"Sven...this is no way to treat an innocent customer..." he hissed as they surrounded him. It was like standing at the bottom of a well but as he made to rise, the nearest one-Lars-rested a very heavy hand on his shoulder and held him in place.

"You owe Uncle Sven money," he said. Hiccup ended the call and stared up at them.

"No I don't," he said.

"You do. You bought pizzas on your tab," the second-Olaf-accused him.

"I don't have a tab," Hiccup told him. "And your own CCTV showed someone else ordering saying I would pay. Your Uncle took the word of a lying sack of yakshit that I would pay for his pizzas. Really? And the guy came in person So why didn't he ask for the money? Your motto is 'no money, no food'."

"Uncle thought he could trust you," the last and largest-Bjorn-said. Hiccup stared up at them and sighed.

"When you think about it, that reasoning is so stupid you should be ashamed," he said. Lars frowned.

"What?"

"Well anyone could walk in a say they knew me or one of your customers and your Uncle would just give them pizzas and expect a good customer to pay for some lying stranger. Not the way to keep any sort of business," Hiccup replied scathingly.

"But you know the guy," Olaf pointed out.

"And I am still not paying for someone else's lies-but the person who stiffed Uncle Sven is over there, dressed as a banana," Hiccup said, pointing. The three huge men turned and looked.

"Hmm. Uncle Sven said he was dressed as a carrot," Lars said.

"But there wasn't anyone dressed as a carrot in the Museum of Cultural Knitting earlier," Olaf reminded him. Hiccup facepalmed. He could see the problem. Sven's nephews were indeed very large-but also very, very stupid.

"No-but that's the guy who said there wasn't no Snotlout Jorgensen working there," Bjorn added. There was a pause. "He was covering up his name badge. D'you think he was lying?"

"Almost certainly," Hiccup put in. The three men shared an unfriendly look.

"You got lucky," Lars told him. "We don't like people stiffing our Uncle. But we don't like being lied to as well. Looks like bananaman there has done both." They all cracked their knuckles. Hiccup raised a hand tentatively.

"Could you maybe try not to break the restaurant?" he asked. "I mean, there's a lot of innocent people eating here..."

"And he ain't one of them," Bjorn growled.

"But if a bunch of debt collectors from Wang Wing Wong's Chinese Emporium and Herbarium came to Uncle Sven's and started breaking the place up, you'd not be happy either," Hiccup reminded them. There was a pause and Hiccup could almost smell burning as they thought hard about the concept.

"Fair enough," Lars said, frowning. He was clearly the smartest of the three-not a high bar, Hiccup conceded privately-but he nodded and his huge brothers moved towards the rowdy table. "Snotlout Jorgensen?" There was a pause in which Snotlout tellingly looked up and opened his mouth.

"Yes...oops, I mean who's that?" he gabbled. The twins collapsed with laughter.

"Gotcha!" they yelled.

"You owe Sven's Pizzas seventy eight dollars," Lars said threateningly.

"I do not!" Snotlout lied indignantly. "You mean my cheap cousin is refusing to pay?" Furious, Hiccup clambered up and stormed over to the table.

"You mean the cousin who has been putting you up out of the kindness of his heart and has been annoyed, abused and treated with no respect or gratitude? he snapped. "The cousin who you just assumed would pick up a seventy eight dollar bill for you and your friends for pizzas when you had eaten every scrap of food in my cupboards rather than going out and buying some for yourself? And who you didn't even have the decency to ask if I would pay for you-which I wouldn't. So no. You pay for your own pizzas."

"Cheap."

"Then you can sleep on the streets or go to a motel but you are not coming back to my apartment again," Hiccup told them sharply.

"You can't do that-we have a contract!" the twins protested instantaneously.

"You have no contract with me," Hiccup told them. "I let you stay out of the kindness of my heart and due to your behaviour-well, I rescind my offer. And for you, Snot. I'm going home now. Your stuff will be in carrier bags outside my door. If it's not collected by midnight, it will be in the bins. Understood."

"But my carrot onesie is in your apartment," Snotlout growled. "What will I wear?"

"You know-I don't care," Hiccup told him.

"Excuse me-could you take this outside please?" Dagur's voice was firm but his arms were folded and he was looking seriously annoyed. "You're upsetting my customers."

"We'll just be a few minutes," Lars told him.

"Now," Dagur told them even more firmly. His fists were tightening.

"'Ere-he does a pizza on his menu!" Bjorn protested, peering at the 'Specials' board. Hiccup groaned.

"Pizza is our thing. It's in our blood," Olaf added. "Our national heritage."

"You're as Italian as the Little Mermaid statue," Hiccup pointed out.

"Are not!" Olaf retorted. "Our Great Great Great Great Aunt Ragnahilde spent a whole summer in Italy learning to make pizza!"

"How does that make you Italian?" Hiccup asked sarcastically.

"Those are gluten-free vegan cauliflower pizzas," Dagur added.

"We do a vegetarian pizza," Lars frowned. Snotlout got to his feet, finishing his beer.

"Well, I see you have more important matters to deal with..." he began but Lars pushed him back into his seat.

"You ain't going nowhere until you pay us," he insisted. Snotlout paled.

"They got you taped," Tuffnut scoffed but Lars narrowed his eyes.

"That's him," he said decisively. There was a pregnant pause.

"What?" the male twin asked.

"He came in three nights ago-he'd taken his dreadlocks out-and stiffed us for a hundred dollars of 'supermeat and chilli' pizzas," Lars growled.

"I did not," Tuffnut protested.

"I can vouch for him!" Snotlout said immediately. "He was with me all evening!"

"You're the guy who denied your own name six hours ago," Lars reminded him. "Sorry-don't believe you."

"Gruffnut," Ruff groaned.

"You evil-tongued witch! I'm sure it's just a mistake...there's no way Gruff could...have..." Tuff's voice ground to a halt. "My own cousin! Son of a halftroll! I demand REVENGE!" Then he leapt to his feet, dodged past the shocked Olaf and sprinted out of the door. No one had ever seen a strawberry move so fast. Ruff made to go after him but Bjorn grabbed her before she could flee as well.

"Not so fast," he growled.

"Guys-this is getting out of hand,"Hiccup tried, attempting to calm the situation down. Sven was a good pizza chef but his nephews could get carried away and threatening people in public for money was definitely crossing a line. "You need to tell Sven to start using some more legal means to recover his debts..."

"Don't tell us our job!" Lars snapped and shoved Hiccup backwards. He flew through the air and slammed into his table, sliding down to the floor, stunned. Absolute silence fell over the restaurant and those closest to the scene moved their chairs back.

"You are going to leave now," Dagur said angrily.

"Or what?" Lars sneered.

"You were warned," the former soldier said and stood back-as Astrid darted forward, her tray swinging to crash into Lars's face. As he staggered back, Astrid punched Olaf full in the face. He slammed back against the bulletproof windows and as he rebounded, he ran into a foot swinging round. He went down like a felled tree. Bjorn took half a pace back, uncertain about what was happening thought sure that there was something badly wrong-but he couldn't avoid the foot that slammed into his solar plexus, followed by an elbow to the throat and a punch to the jaw that had him unconscious before he hit the ground. Lars straightened up to meet Astrid's fist that felled him permanently, landing neatly in the walkway between tables.

"Heather, Dagur-would you mind dragging them onto the sidewalk while I call the police-and an ambulance," Astrid ordered. There was a round of applause and Dagur grinned.

"Of course," he said. "Though I think Mala can make the calls while you see to your boyfriend." At the counter, Mala was already dialling while the buff red-haired man grabbed Lars by the ankles, dragging him out and managing to bang his head against every table on the way out. Ruff looked up in gratitude.

"Thanks," she said and then sighed. "I ought to go after Tuff."

"Settle with Sven first," Astrid said shortly. "And apologise to Hiccup. You've been pretty selfish when he did you a good deed. You owe him." She nodded and dashed out as Astrid walked to kneel by her boyfriend. "Are you okay?" she asked gently. He winced and tenderly touched the back of his head.

"I'll live," he admitted shakily. "And I need a quiet night tonight..."

"Well, that's lucky because I'm staying over and no one else will be there," she said.

"Hey!" Snotlout protested. "I'm still staying."

"Way I heard it, Hiccup evicted you," Astrid told him smugly. Giving a false laugh, the banana spread his hands.

"But that's ridiculous," he said. "I'm his cousin and..."

"You haven't acted like it," Hiccup told him irritably. "You can go and pay Sven then find a motel for the night. Sorry, Snot but I'm not putting up with any more of this."

"No one will rent me a room dressed as a vegetable!" Snotlout wailed.

"Well, you're now dressed as a fruit so maybe you'll have more luck!" Astrid snarked. Visibly irritated that his plea hadn't worked, the banana scurried to the counter and grabbed a slice of red velvet cake.

"Remember-this is your fault!" he said and took a huge bite, chewing away. He swallowed. He waved the slice around. "See? Red Velvet. You know what's in here? Beetroot." He took another bite and chewed it. "It's pretty good. Mmmm. Very good actually. But it could kill me. See? But any time...any time..." He finished the slice. "Any time..."

"Do you think he knows that the cake doesn't contain beetroot?" Astrid whispered. "Dagur uses a harmless beetroot-free vegetable dye."

"It's worse than that," Hiccup whispered back. "I checked with Aunt Kari and got a reply back half an hour ago. Snotlout isn't actually allergic to beetroot-he was stung by a wasp five minutes after he had the beetroot. He has an epipen he is supposed to carry around and refuses because he insists it's just the beetroot. He really is a total muttonhead."

"You mean he's been wearing that stupid onesie all week when he didn't need to?"

"That's about the size of it."

"What a muttonhead."

"Three dollars for the cake," Heather said sternly. "And thirty one fifty for the rest of your bill."

"What?" he protested. "But my friends..."

"Ran away," Heather pointed out. "And you seem to have a habit of not paying bills."

"I don't..."

"Do you want me to set Astrid on you?" Heather asked pointedly, gesturing to the blonde, who was softly talking to Hiccup. She looked up and smiled.

"And I know where you live," she added. Snotlout paled, then pulled out his wallet and paid the bill with a very generous tip.

"I'll just go get my stuff," he said hastily. "Via Sven's, of course. I'm sure Dad will put me up for the night...and then the twins can paint the apartment and we can have fun building a new wardrobe. No need for you and Hiccup to come along, Babe...I mean Astrid. I'm sure we'll manage. And thanks for putting me up, Hiccy. You can even keep the carrot onesie. It seems to be unlucky." He fingered his lips. "C'mon, c'mon...any time..." he muttered as he walked towards the door, breathing exaggeratedly. It was only when he had left that they burst out laughing.

"You wanted him out-so why did you tell me about the beetroot?" Astrid asked Hiccup as she helped him up. "It could have solved your problem for you." He smiled.

"Because the twins made him order things that were potentially seriously bad for him and no matter that he is a muttonhead, I wanted to make sure they got the message," he said. "Snotlout is my cousin and I know that he isn't going to starve or end up on the streets-but I don't want them risking his life. Setting off a rocket in his bedroom could have killed him. Giving him something that he could react to could have killed him. I'll have a word with them on Monday...or I'll threaten to have you have a word with them."

"Now all we need to work out is what to do with a second-hand, rather ripe and short carrot onesie," Astrid said. Hiccup smiled.

"I'm auburn enough-I don't need orangeing up with a onesie," he pointed out. "I think my Dad would be delighted to burn it for us when we go to dinner." He smirked. "Unless you fancy a vegetable for a boyfriend?" She leaned forward and kissed him.

"Nope," she said. "Terrible week but finally, I have you to myself. And where you are concerned, I'm definitely a carnivore!" There was another round of applause and Dagur appeared at her shoulder.

"I think you deserve the rest of the evening off," he chuckled. "Your actions-and Hiccup's in building our website-have more than earned an early finish. And maybe some alone time?" He winked. Hiccup blushed.

"And Astrid?" he murmured.

"Yes, Hiccup?" She smiled at him as he grabbed his bag.

"If I ever look at a onesie or suggest any of those three staying over, you have my permission to remind me about all this."

"That's a promise!"

The End.