josh sits in his car, hands trembling as he grips the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turn white. he's parked in tyler's driveway—has been for about five minutes, actually. his heart is beating against his chest so fast he's surprised he hasn't gone into cardiac arrest. he's been trying to work up the courage to head inside, but he can't seem to find it. he's terrified.

deep purple bags rest below hallowed eyes, a tribute to the restless night's sleep he had. an empty can of redbull sits in the cupholder beside him. he had downed it in the short drive over here. it probably doesn't help his nervous jitters, but at least he doesn't feel like he's going to collapse from exhaustion.

he inhales shakily, resting his forehead against the top of the steering wheel as he decides to take another minute to try to calm down. in the middle of the night, as he drifted in and out of sleep, josh decided he's going to try to break the news as gently as he can. he'll let tyler lead the conversation, not wanting to overstep and to try to make it the least amount of embarrassing as possible. the last thing he wants is for tyler to get upset.

he's definitely not going to tell tyler that he watched the whole video, though. or that he scrolled through tons more. or that he came to a different one. no, he'll keep that to himself. in the off chance tyler seems into the idea of josh watching his pornos, maybe he'll tell him. that's a strong maybe. josh doubts it will be the case.

tyler most likely will be mortified and want to pretend like it never happened, josh thinks. he'll beg josh not to tell anybody and josh will promise not to. he'll probably apologize and josh will tell him it's fine, it's not his fault. they'll never talk about it again, but josh will secretly watch every video he uploads and maybe even subscribe to his onlyfans under a fake name. he knows the thought of doing that is terrible, but he can't help it. josh is an addict and he just got a taste of his new favorite drug. he's not about to give it up.

a small part of him secretly hopes there will be room in the conversation to suggest the idea of letting josh make his videos with him. maybe as a joke, but definitely not actually as a joke. josh can no longer deny how badly he needs tyler. it's always been there, lingering, masked behind mutually platonic touching and suggestive jokes. in the back of his mind, it's always been tyler he's fucking after a drunken night out, not whatever random boy he met in the bathroom. he's been burying his desire deep in his subconscious for too long, and now that it's out he's finding it impossible to contain.

fuck, he just has to do this.

pulling his keys out of the ignition, josh tries his hardest to ignore the way his heart thunders in his chest. his motions feel robotic, as if he isn't the one in control as his body exits the car and walks up to tyler's doorstep. he knocks twice, the sound echoing back to him. he waits, and waits, until finally he can't take the anxiety bubbling in his stomach and decides to let himself inside. it's not an uncommon practice between them. hell, tyler doesn't even bother knocking anymore and just announces his arrival as he enters josh's front door.

"tyler? i'm here!" josh calls out. no response.

he shuts the door behind him, carefully toeing his shoes off to leave them beside the door. tyler is weird about shoes in the house. josh found that out the first time they ever hung out at his place. tyler had a hissy fit that josh wore his shoes into his bedroom to take them off, insisting he was tracking dirt and germs inside. josh didn't care, he cleans obsessively anyway, but he's always careful not to make the same mistake of wearing his shoes inside around tyler.

he doesn't find the boy anywhere. he thinks for a moment that tyler might not be home, but then he remembers that his car is sitting in the driveway. there's only one place josh hasn't checked. his legs seem to tremble as he slowly tiptoes into tyler's basement, ducking his head below the landing to look around.

sure enough, tyler is in the center of the basement surrounded by gym equipment. he's laying on a bench, his eyes casted towards the ceiling as he raises and lowers a barbell to his chest repeatedly. his breathing is ragged, the soft pants spilling from his lips similar to the noises josh was familiarizing himself with last night. a thin layer of sweat coats his skin, glimmering in the flourescent light of the basement. a loose fitting, sleeveless tank top clings to his frame, the hem of his shorts resting just above his mid-thigh.

fuck, he looks so hot.

josh curses under his breath as he feels his dick harden. he quickly adjusts himself to rest flat against his stomach in an attempt to hide his boner. this is so bad. how is he ever going to be able to be around tyler normally again? he can't even listen to him breathe without imagining fucking him.

tyler has headphones on; josh can hear the music bleeding from them. he carefully makes his way to the bottom of the stairs, waiting patiently for tyler to finish his set. he doesn't want to accidentally scare tyler and make him drop however much weight he's lifting on his throat. it's a good excuse to watch him, admiring the way the muscles in his arms extend and contract with each rep. it can't be more than a minute before tyler sits up, the barbell resting on his lap. he looks in the mirror on the wall in front of him, gasping and clutching at his chest when he notices josh standing behind him. he tears his headphones off, looking at josh over his shoulder.

"fuck, dude! you scared me."

"sorry," josh squeaks, his face flushing as his voice cracks. he clears his throat before continuing. "i didn't want to interrupt."

"it's okay." tyler laughs, carefully lifting the barbell off his lap to set it on the ground.

he stands, holding his headphones in one hand as he approaches josh. the latter watches him quietly, his breath hitching in his throat as tyler stands before him. he can't help the way his eyes roam over his body. josh wishes he could see beneath his clothes, desperate to see his naked body for himself.

"checking me out?" tyler chuckles, starting to head upstairs.

"don't be so full of yourself," josh chokes out, trying to seem like his casual, joking self.

his feet stay planted as he watches the way tyler's ass sways with each step. tyler looks over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow as their eyes meet.

"are you coming? i gotta take a shower, but you can start the show if you want."

always putting others first, that's one of the things josh admires about him. tyler is selfless, josh is not.

"no, that's okay. i can wait," josh insists, breaking out of his daze now as he follows tyler back upstairs. he can't help but still stare.

he should say something right now. the sooner the better, that's what he had told himself, but the words are caught in his throat, stinging like hot knives.

"okay," tyler shrugs, "you can put on whatever you want while you wait."

"okay," josh agrees, chewing on his lower lip as tyler disappears into his bedroom.

he sits on the couch, looking through a ton of different streaming platforms before he decides to just put the office on anyway. he starts it at season two, though, seeing tyler is currently in the middle of rewatching season five. as the show begins to play, josh's brain decides to torment him with the image of tyler in the shower, naked, hot beads of water rolling down his smooth skin.

josh pulls out his phone, overloading his brain with stimulation as he starts scrolling through tiktok to further distract himself.

less than ten minutes later, tyler joins him on the couch. his hair is wet and messy, sticking out every which way. josh wants to reach out and soothe a hand through the unkempt mess, but he doesn't. he just tells tyler he looks dumb.

"whatever, man," tyler rolls his eyes, a playful smile etched onto his face. he grabs the remote, switching the episode to whichever one he was currently on. "thanks for not watching without me."

"i would never," josh says sincerely.

josh is selfish, but not when it comes to tyler. 

"i have to tell you something," he says quickly, without giving it much thought. the words slip out so fast he would've thought he just imagined it until tyler pauses the show and turns to him.

"what?"

josh glances at the tv, hating the sudden silence sitting stagnant in the room. he swallows thickly, nervously wringing his hands as he takes his lower lip between his teeth. here goes nothing.

"i, um... i saw something."

"okay?" tyler furrows his brows, an amused smile resting on his lips as if he's expecting josh to make a joke. little does he know.

"um..." josh exhales slowly, digging blunt nails into his palms as he curls his fists into tight balls. "i don't know how to say this."

"just say it, j."

"okay, well... i found this, um, video..."

he trails off, nervously raising his gaze from his lap to look at tyler. his face is expressionless, lips drawn in a tight line. he's quiet, and josh feels inclined to continue.

with one deep breath, he word vomits. "i found a video of you on pornhub and i didn't know what to do and i couldn't keep it from you because you know i can't keep secrets and please don't hate me i'm sorry."

tyler blinks at him, his lips pursing as his face glows bright red. he opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. josh is sure he can hear how loud his heart is beating in his chest. he waits for tyler to say something.

"what?" he finally manages, his voice meek.

"yeah... i'm sorry."

"i-i.. um.. i don't... i don't know what you're talking about."

"tyler-"

"it wasn't me!" tyler insists, his voice raising higher in pitch like it does every time he lies.

"tyler-" josh tries again, but tyler interrupts once more.

"really, it wasn't. i don't... josh, i don't know what you're talking about."

"dude, your tattoos were in the video... and you're a terrible liar."

tyler falls silent, his face as red as a cherry tomato as the two hold each other's gaze. a few moments pass before he speaks again.

"please don't tell anyone," tyler begs weakly, his eyes wide.

"you know i would never do that," josh assures, reaching out to rest his hand just above tyler's knee and squeezing it gently. he wants nothing more than to raise his hand farther and father, trailing up tyler's thigh until he's begging josh to touch him. 

god, it's a good thing josh has self control.

"i'm sorry," he says softly, his words laced with shame as he moves his gaze off josh to look at where his hand rests on his leg.

"why are you sorry?" josh can't help but chuckle. "don't be sorry. i wasn't, like, trying to say anything bad. i just had to tell you... that i know, you know? it felt weird to keep it to myself."

tyler nods, meeting josh's eyes again. "how much did you see?"

"uh..." josh hesitates, searching tyler's eyes to try and find an answer as to how honest he should be. tyler blinks slowly, batting his pretty lashes as he tilts his head curiously. "enough."

"how much, j?" tyler is insistent, quirking an eyebrow, clearly fighting a smile.

"enough," josh repeats, "but... i turned it off when i realized it was you."

"did you?"

"yeah."

"did you?" tyler asks again, and josh folds immediately.

"fuck. no, i..." he trails off for a moment, removing his hand from tyler's knee to resume nervously wringing them together. he mumbles, "i watched it all."

"all?" tyler's eyes go wide, his jaw dropping slightly. "you did not."

"yeah, i did," josh admits, laughing at the absurdity of their conversation. he feels obligated to add, "i watched two, actually."

he doesn't feel the need to share that he also happened to get off to it.

"josh!" tyler slaps his hand over his mouth, his eyes squeezing shut as he holds back laughter.

"sorry!" josh laughs nervously, the weight easing from his chest at the sound of his friend's giggles.

tyler takes a moment to collect himself. "and?"

"what do you mean?"

"what did you think? you must've liked it if you decided to watch two."

josh looks at him, wondering if he's trying to joke around, but tyler's expression is dead serious. okay, so this is happening.

"i did," he admits, nodding. he catches a glimmer in tyler's eye. "you looked good."

"you liked it," tyler confirms, glowing at josh's compliment.

josh nods again. "yeah. i mean, aside from the idea of you getting used by random dudes."

"please," tyler scoffs, "it's more me using them than the other way around."

"oh," josh murmurs, his tongue darting nervously between his lips, wetting them before tucking the lower one between his teeth.

"are you jealous?"

josh blinks at him, bewildered by the question. is he? he definitely wants to be fucking tyler too, but he doesn't know if he would necessarily say he's jealous. "only jealous that they get you and i don't."

now it's tyler's turn to be speechless. josh didn't even mean for it to come out, but he definitely meant it. he can't take it back now, and each passing moment that tyler stays silent feels like the weight of the world is going to cave in on him.

"what are you saying, j?" he speaks slowly as if he's choosing his words carefully, something josh is clearly not good at.

"i don't know," he admits, cracking his knuckles—another nervous habit.

"i mean... we could try it."

josh can't believe what he's hearing. he hadn't even considered that tyler might be the one to initiate this.

"yeah," josh swallows, offering tyler a smile, "we could."

"to make videos," tyler quickly adds, "so i minimize my chances of catching an std."

josh chuckles at that, nodding in agreement. "and i do, too."

tyler chews on his lip, pondering for a moment before he nods. "okay. if we hate it, we never have to do it again. we'll never talk about it again."

"yeah," josh repeats, "but... what if we don't hate it?"

"um," tyler pauses, glancing around the room before his eyes settle back on josh. "i don't know. we figure it out from there, i guess. it doesn't have to mean anything, you know? if we like it, we could just be friends with benefits. lots of people do that."

tyler seems to be trying to convince himself. josh fights a smile.

"right, it doesn't mean anything," he agrees.

all he wants is to take tyler into his bedroom right now and fuck him into the mattress. no strings attached. no emotions attached. just mindless, rough sex with his best friend who just so happens to also be the most beautiful boy in the world.

"right," tyler agrees, his eyes flickering between josh and the tv. "but... maybe tomorrow? i kinda just want to watch the office right now."

josh can't help but laugh. he should've expected. "sure, t. tomorrow."