josh never did text tyler.

not before he went to bed that night, even when tyler sent him a few messages trying to check in. not the next morning, either, when tyler has resorted to calling instead of texting. he's left a short voicemail that josh still can't find the strength to listen to.

when chris and mark start texting him as well, josh figures tyler must have said something to them. he ignores them too, turning in his bed to face the wall and pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders. it's just after noon, but josh has no plans of getting out of bed today.

he exhales a sigh, mindlessly scrolling through tiktok to try and numb the burning heartache that hasn't eased up since it started. the room is dark and stale, the stagnant air enveloping him in a heavy cloak. every once in a while, he'll come across some dumb tiktok with some lame love poems. he always swipes those away before he can be tempted to make himself more miserable.

a notification grabs his attention.

babyboytyjo uploaded a new video!

without giving it a second thought, josh is clicking on the notification. onlyfans opens, displaying tyler's post, and josh's heart sinks into his stomach. he isn't really sure what he was expecting, but watching tyler between ian's knees, giving him a blowjob against an unrecognizable bed in a foreign room makes him feel nauseous.

josh hates himself, so he watches.

he watches as tyler splays his fingers over ian's thighs, pushing them open further, swollen lips gliding over his length and coating him in spit. he watches ian thread his fingers through his hair, his head tilting back and eyes screwing shut.

josh knows how that feels. tyler's mouth is pure heaven.

the utter hopelessness he feels watching tyler pleasure somebody else only grows worse as the video cuts suddenly, and now tyler is straddling ian's lap, bouncing on his dick. his moans are loud and almost exaggerated, his cheeks flushed red and eyes all hazy, clearly still drunk from the bar. josh is going to be sick.

ian's hands grip his ass, guiding him up and down. his eyes are on tyler, but tyler is focused on the camera. staring into it like he's peering into josh's soul. it makes his hairs stand on end, his mouth running dry as he swallows down the bitter bile that rises in the back of his throat.

is he doing that on purpose? surely not, right? it's just for the camera. josh is being stupid again.

the video closes with ian very obviously climaxing while still buried inside tyler. josh is at least grateful he can make out the latex condom protecting himself. ian leans over afterwards and sucks the same hickey against tyler's throat that josh buried beneath his own bruises yesterday. then it just ends.

josh stares at the black screen for a moment, catching the dark bags under his eyes in his reflection. despite being in bed for over twelve hours, he hasn't gotten much sleep. one of the times he was able to pass out, he just ended up dreaming of kissing tyler and woke up sweating as if he'd been trapped in a nightmare.

he clicks on the video, noticing that it's under ten minutes long. frowning, he quickly navigates to tyler's full profile, scrolling down to check the videos that he's in. they're all around twenty minutes, some just under, some just over. he's not sure what to make of it.

dumbfounded, he goes back to the video. he watches it again, not because he likes it or because he gets anything out of it, but simply to analyze and overthink tyler's every move. the way he looks at ian is different from how he looks at josh. when he moans, it doesn't sound the same. it doesn't have that same hint of whininess that drives him crazy. they barely talk other than exchanging a few cuss words here and there.

is it possible tyler didn't enjoy himself as much as he does when he's with josh?

the thought makes josh's lips curl into the faintest of smirks, feeling like he's somehow won the battle that he created for himself. he's so sure ian didn't make tyler feel as good as he does. the fucking loser didn't even give him head. or maybe he did, but it was so bad tyler couldn't even put it in the video. that almost makes him chuckle.

he's pulled out of his thoughts when his phone starts ringing again, tyler's contact picture displayed on the screen, smiling big and bright. the sliver of joy he'd found dissipates immediately as yesterday's events come flooding back to him.

he and tyler kissed. they kissed without having sex. they kissed so hard and it felt so fucking good.

tyler wanted them to. he wanted josh.

he wanted josh, but josh wanted tyler. the devastating, soul-crushing, life-ending type of want. the kind of want that leaves you desperately chasing, mindlessly trying to fill the empty void in your chest that returns anytime you're without them.

he wants tyler in a way that tyler will never want him. every good morning and good night. every trip to the grocery store. every poorly-timed giggle in serious situations. every scolding for leaving his shoes on in the house. josh wants it all forever. there's no part of tyler that he doesn't crave.

the call ends. josh lets it go to voicemail again. he exhales heavily, his eyes filling with hot tears.

how could he let this happen? he's always thought tyler was attractive, but that's normal, isn't it? anybody who isn't attracted to tyler is weird...

oh god. just how long has he had these feelings?

he'd brushed off the way his heart skipped a beat when he first laid eyes on tyler. he completely disregarded how stupid love songs always made him think about tyler. he explained away the burning urge to spend all his free time with tyler. he ignored how it felt like tyler was his soulmate.

jesus christ.

josh has had feelings for tyler since the beginning of their friendship. he just learned to stifle, ignore, and deny them. he wishes he would have fucking realized that before agreeing to fuck him.

it's slowly killing him.

he quickly unlocks his phone, scrolling through his contacts and clicking on chris's number. it rings twice before he picks up.

"josh? thank god you're alive. why the hell are you ignoring everyone?"

the soft whimper josh lets out as a tear trails down his cheek is completely involuntary. great, he's crying in front of chris again. idiot.

"josh?" chris's frown is evident in his tone. "are you okay?"

"can you come over?" he croaks, voice hoarse from not being used for almost twenty-four hours. "please?"

"i'm already getting in my car," chris replies. josh hears the rumble as the engine starts. "what's wrong?"

"i..." he sighs, putting chris on speaker. he places his phone in his lap and sits up in bed, furiously rubbing his palms into his eyes.  "i'll tell you when you get here. i just really need somebody right now."

"tyler told me he hasn't heard from you since yesterday. he seemed really worried. why don't you text him?" chris suggests.

josh breathes a humorless chuckle, wiping away the few tears that spill from him. "that's the thing. i can't. i just... i'll explain when you're here, okay?"

chris is quiet for a moment. "okay. i'll be there in a few minutes. you're okay, though? not bleeding out or anything?"

a wave of horrendous guilt crashes over josh. he should've let one of them know sooner that he's fine. well, as fine as he can be for not having left his bed despite getting barely any sleep and torturing himself by watching his best friend and the guy he has a pathetic crush on get fucked by somebody else.

considering all that, he thinks he's doing fine.

"m'okay," he confirms.

"good."

"i'll be in my room when you get here," josh murmurs, looking around the dark space. "just come up."

"will do. see you in a minute."

"bye."

josh hangs up then, tossing his phone away from him. he stays sitting, dropping his head into his hands, blankets bunched up where they rest around his crossed legs. what's chris going to think when he gets here and sees josh like this? he'll probably freak out. not to mention his reaction when josh tells him everything.

josh doesn't know how long he sits there or when he started to dissociate, but the sound of his front door closing finally makes him pick his head up. chris's voice calls out, announcing his presence. josh can't find the strength to call back to him. he just sits and watches the door, waiting.

"hello?" chris flicks the lights on, his eyebrows knitting in concern and confusion at the sight of josh sitting silently in bed. "josh?"

"hey," he greets, wrapping his arms around himself.

"why were you sitting in the dark?" chris questions, immediately going over to josh's windows and throwing the curtains open.

josh groans, squeezing his eyes shut as the sudden bright, white light burns his retinas. "didn't wanna get up."

"are you okay?" is chris's next question as he takes a seat beside him. "did something happen? you look... well, terrible."

"i feel terrible," josh mutters, eyes focused on a random spot on the wall instead of making eye contact.

chris studies him quietly for a moment. he lowers his voice, gently asking, "what happened?"

josh sighs, slowly dragging his gaze over to meet chris's. he looks so worried. josh feels so bad. "promise you won't freak out."

"i promise," he insists, nodding.

josh pauses again, now dropping his eyes to watch where he picks at the skin around his cuticles. his heart races nervously, knowing that there's no taking back what he's about to finally admit out loud.

"i have feelings for tyler," he says simply, waiting for chris's reaction before explaining anything further. when he doesn't get a response, josh glances up at him curiously.

chris has a shit-eating grin on his face. "i know. you're finally coming to terms with it? is that what this is?"

"what?" josh breathes, half-annoyed and half-relieved. "what do you mean you know?"

"i could just tell," chris shrugs. "it's not like you do a good job at hiding it."

"seriously? are you serious?" josh's eyes widen, his face turning white as a ghost as the color drains from his skin. god, does everybody know? mark? tyler?

chris waves a hand dismissively. "yeah, but it's not a big deal. the other two are too stupid to realize, i think. at least, they've never brought it up to me. it's okay if you like tyler, josh."

"no," josh groans, planting his forehead in his palm. "it's not okay. you don't get it, chris, i- i can't hide it anymore. i can't stop thinking about him. it won't go away. i feel like i'm going fucking crazy. i don't want to have feelings for him. i just want to be his friend, his best friend. i don't want to ruin that. i can't."

"breathe," chris reminds.

josh didn't realize he's holding his breath. he inhales deeply, exhaling slowly. chris continues.

"you can't help who you love."

"love?" josh squeaks. "no. i don't love him. well, of course i love him like a best friend, but... that's different! i don't love him like... like that."

chris raises an eyebrow at him. josh shakes his head. "i don't," he insists.

"okay. it doesn't matter," chris quickly backtracks. "you can't control who you have feelings for. why don't you just tell him? maybe he'll feel the same."

"god, no," josh scoffs, as if he's offended at the suggestion. "are you crazy? that would definitely ruin our friendship. he does not feel that way about me. if he did, then..."

he trails off, biting his lower lip before he can say anything stupid. they're not supposed to tell anybody about it. he can't break another rule.

"then...?" chris urges. "then, what?"

josh shakes his head, swallowing every urge to just word-vomit the truth to chris. "i can't."

"why not?"

"i just can't tell you," josh responds, chewing on the skin of his lip.

"dude, come on. you'll tell me you have feelings for tyler, and you know i won't tell anybody about that, but you don't trust me with this?"

josh looks at him. he has a good point. how can he argue with that?

"fine." he inhales sharply, averting his gaze. "a while ago, uh... tyler and i we- um- wedecidedtobefriendswithbenefits," he speaks quickly, wincing as if chris is going to yell at him.

"really? oh," he hums, looking into the distance as if he's deep in thought. "well... i guess that does make things a bit more complicated."

"i know. i know, and he made this fucking list of rules. one of them is not to tell anybody, so just... yeah. but he made it very clear that there's no strings attached, no feelings involved, we stay friends first. nothing changes. but then, i went over yesterday to bitch to him about that ian guy and we- we kissed. we're only supposed to kiss during sex, but we kissed. he let me kiss him. he wanted it. he- he said so himself. that's kinda when i realized i have feelings for him. i freaked the fuck out. like, had a full on panic attack and ran away and haven't talked to him since. i'm still freaked out. i don't know what to do, chris."

his voice wavers at the end, trembling pathetically as his eyes fill with tears again. "i don't want to ruin everything. i don't want to tell tyler because if he doesn't feel the same, which i don't think he does, then... he'll end it. not just the sex, but our friendship too."

"josh," chris frowns, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing reassuringly. "it's okay. just breathe."

again, josh wills himself to take a deep breath, grateful for the reminder, grateful to finally be able to get this shit off his chest. it's been eating him alive.

chris continues after they take a few deep breaths together. "everything will be okay. listen to me," he urges, pausing until josh's wide, fearful eyes meet his. "you have two choices. you either need to tell tyler how you feel and face the consequences, which could end up being good, or you need to stop hooking up with him."

"but-"

he's quickly cut off. "josh, you're hurting yourself."

"feels like i'm hurting myself no matter what i do," he mutters, huffing in frustration as a tear rolls down his cheek. he wipes it away, dryly laughing at himself. he's so pathetic. "this shit fucking sucks. so stupid. i want to go back to living in denial. can't i do that?"

chris chuckles sadly, patting josh's knee. "i wish you could, buddy. i think you should just tell him. tyler isn't going to break off your friendship if he doesn't feel the same. he might just... i don't know. want to take a step back, or something."

"i don't want that either!" josh exclaims, dragging his palms down his face. "fuck. i don't know what to do."

"tyler will always be your friend, josh. he cares about you too much not to be. you don't need to worry about that, at least. it might just end up being... different... if he doesn't feel the same. i just- you-" chris interrupts himself with a heavy sigh, clearly just as frustrated as josh. "you can't keep doing this to yourself, josh. you need to do something."

josh nods, letting his words sink in. "yeah... i know. you're right. i- i'm not sure what i'll do yet, but... i'll figure it out. i'll think about it, okay?"

"good," chris offers a smile. josh returns it with a weak one. "i hope you don't care, but i let mark and tyler know that you're alive. i told them you're fine. tyler asked me a bunch of questions, but i don't really know what to say."

"that's fine, i don't care. thanks, actually, i didn't wanna do it myself," josh comments, his heart fluttering to hear that tyler had been asking about him. "i don't know, just... tell him i got sick or something."

chris nods, typing on his phone for a moment before he looks up. "well, since i'm here i'm going to force you to get out of bed. get dressed. brush your teeth. i'm taking us to taco bell."

josh groans, although he's secretly grateful chris is pulling him out of the pit of depression he's dug himself into. he stands with a groan, stretching out his tight muscles, wincing at the way a certain one in his shoulder screams in agony.

chris goes downstairs, leaving him to get ready. josh feels robotic as he searches through his closet for clean loungewear to change into, as if he's not really the one in control of his body. he's too in his own head, just simply going through the motions as he changes into fresh clothes.

he knows chris is right. he shouldn't be subjecting himself to torture like this.

but.

he's afraid for what comes after he stops torturing himself.

josh likes what him and tyler have now. he really does.

even if he wants more out of it... at least he has something.

besides, he's never been good at taking advice anyway.

a/n: hi

i literally do not know how onlyfans works so if you do and this is inaccurate i'm sorry don't come for me

i'm currently waiting for the pilots to perform at the jingle ball as i write this

anywayyy, i hope you guys loved reading josh's emotional turmoil!

we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming (aka smut) next chapter, i promise

love you all <333