josh loves scary movies. they're usually predictable, and he can almost always guess who's going to die versus who's going to survive. when he was in high school, he read online that people with anxiety like horror because it's a way for them to experience fear in a safe environment. the threats are all fictional. the movie can be turned off at any time. that resonated with him enough to declare horror as his favorite genre forever.

tyler, on the other hand, hates scary movies. he's told josh at least a hundred times. he thinks that most horror movies have no real plot other than the characters outliving whatever is after them. there's no big hidden messages. no life lessons other than don't have sex in the middle of the woods and don't fuck with demons. josh has even had him watch great ones, like the babadook and get out, but tyler always finds something to criticize.

although he won't ever admit it, josh knows the real problem is just that tyler hates getting scared. he'll cower behind a blanket or peek through his fingers any time he gets the slightest inkling that a jumpscare is about to happen. one time josh made fun of him for it, and then he caught tyler just closing his eyes instead.

it may have been the reason why, when tyler showed up at his house unannounced to hang out, josh insisted they watch evil dead rise. he knew tyler would rather die than admit he was too scared to watch it. he knew what he was doing when he fetched a small blanket from his room for them to share. he knew they'd end up exactly as they are now—tyler curled against the side of him, one arm hooked loosely around josh's bicep while the other is used to hold the blanket up to tyler's face.

josh is grateful for two things. one, that he can center his anxiety on the movie rather than the fact that tyler is cuddled up so close to him. and two, the fact that tyler is cuddled up so close to him.

his grip tightens around josh every time he's about to get scared, as if the demon is going to leap through the damn screen. he's warm, practically sweating, and josh thinks that if he just let his eyes fall shut he could easily drift off to sleep. it would feel like taking a nap on a summer afternoon, sunshine filtering through open windows and wrapping him in a cozy embrace.

but josh shakes the thought away, focusing instead on how funny it is to hear him curse under his breath each time something goes wrong, and when he jumps and hides behind the blanket. it's even endearing when, at one point, he yelps and hides his face against josh's shoulder, quietly requesting that josh informs him when that part is over.

they're still cuddled up like that when the movie ends and the end credits roll, but it doesn't take long for tyler to snap out of his horror-induced daze and unravel himself from josh. and then, all too suddenly, that hypnotic warmth is gone and josh's chest aches, longing to wrap tyler in his arms and hold him there forever.

"i cannot believe you made me watch that," he scolds, pointing an accusatory finger.

josh gasps in mock offense, holding his hands up innocently. "i did not make you do anything. i asked if we could watch it, and you said yes. how is that me making you?"

tyler narrows his eyes, avoiding the question. "i'm probably going to have nightmares now, thanks to you. thanks a lot."

"you're welcome," josh grins, laughing when tyler rolls his eyes and shoves his shoulder. he's only half-joking when he suggests, "you can always spend the night."

"a sleepover?" tyler asks, eyes widening to twice the size. "i didn't bring my pajamas."

"i was kidding," josh quickly dismisses. tyler creates space between them, but only so he can turn to sit facing josh, his legs criss-cross style in front of him. josh shifts as well, copying tyler's actions and pressing their knees together beneath the blanket.

"i wasn't," he frowns. josh can't formulate a proper response because he's too worried he'll say something he'll regret, so tyler continues. "you think i want to drive home in the dark? that movie was scary as hell, j! i'm going to be driving home and see a demonic mom crawling on all fours behind my car at record speed. or i'm going to get home and she's going to be waiting under my bed for me."

"or none of that will happen and at the very worst you'll have a bad dream."

"yeah, and then i'll wake up terrified and alone! no thank you. i'm taking you up on the sleepover option. i don't care if you were kidding."

dread fills josh instantly, flooding his overactive brain all the way down to the tips of his toes. a sleepover sounds great, in theory, but they haven't had one of those since they started hooking up. are they allowed to share josh's bed still like they used to? what if josh does something stupid like say tyler's name in his sleep? god, what if he has a wet dream and moans his name?

"okay," he agrees after what he's sure was a painfully awkward long moment of silence. "if you want, i can sleep on the co-"

"are you crazy?" tyler interrupts. "the whole point is for you to protect me from demons. no, we're sleeping in your bed... and you're letting me steal your clothes."

"are we going to stay up late and tell secrets too?" josh mutters, barely managing a smile at the hearty laugh tyler lets out. this whole situation has him so nervous to the point he can feel the sweat of his palms through his sweatpants.

"why do we have to stay up late for that? we could do it now."

the smug smirk on his face makes josh want to shrivel up and die. he would actually rather drop dead on the spot than tell tyler any kind of secret, because lately all his secrets involve him in one way or another. "i was kidding... again."

thankfully, tyler doesn't push. "yeah, i know. besides, i'm your best friend. i don't think you have any secrets that i don't know about. that's, like, the number one rule of being best friends."

if there were any nails within reach, josh would drive them directly through the center of both his eyes. he knows tyler isn't purposely torturing him, but the guilt is a feral animal gnawing at him like a stray bone, tearing off any stray pieces of flesh until he's nothing more than a hollow shell. he's not sure what will remain of him at the end of all this.

"you're saying you don't have any secrets that i don't know of?" josh redirects it back to him, swallowing the lump in his throat.

the small quirk of tyler's lips is telling. "you're right. this is definitely a late night, already in bed and half delirious because we're so tired kind of conversation."

"mhm," josh hums, opting to watch the way his fingers drag over the soft fabric of the blanket than meet tyler's intense gaze. he completely avoids answering, and josh is filled with so much tension that it feels like his skin might break out into blisters from how hot he's boiling. he'll do anything to hear whatever secrets tyler's been keeping. god knows he has plenty of his own. "i'm already pretty tired."

he's really not, but he's going to spontaneously combust if tyler doesn't tell him. scarily perfect timing sends a yawn tyler's way, and they both smile in unison. "i guess i am, too."

"come on," josh says, standing and pulling the blanket up with him. he holds a hand out, hoping tyler doesn't think too hard about how clammy his palms are as he helps pull him to his feet. "let's head upstairs, then."

"you're gonna let me borrow your clothes, right?" tyler asks, trailing behind josh as they head to his room, "because i really don't want to sleep in jeans."

"hm, i don't know. i believe the term you used earlier was steal my clothes, so..."

"j!" he laughs, tugging on his arm once they reach the top of the stairs. it halts josh in his tracks. he turns to find tyler clasping his hands together and making puppy dog eyes, batting his absurdly long lashes. "pleeeease? i promise i won't steal them. i'll give them back. i pretty promise. i pinky promise."

he holds out his pinky, and josh laughs, batting it away. "okay, okay. fine. you know i don't actually care about you stealing my clothes."

"i know," tyler confirms, matching josh's small grin as he throws a glance over his shoulder and enters the room.

tyler makes a beeline for josh's closet, searching for something comfortable enough to sleep in. josh is already in sweats and an oversized tee, so he just plops down in the center of his bed and watches tyler.

"where's that halloween university shirt you have?" he asks, searching through the sea of hangers. his brow furrows into a tight line, lips pursed in annoyance.

josh props his head up on his elbow, eyes glued to him. he's not really sure why, but everything about tyler is mesmerizing. he's just so perfectly... tyler. he could be doing the most mundane task like washing dishes or folding laundry and josh would still love every second of it.

"you mean the one that you borrowed?" josh responds.

tyler pauses, his attention still focused on the closet. after a brief moment of silence, he shrugs. "never mind."

he continues rummaging through josh's closet, making him chuckle under his breath. "you do still have that shirt, right?"

"yes," tyler replies without missing a beat. "no, wait, i mean... why? that depends. do you want it back?"

"eventually."

"then no. i have no idea what you're talking about."

"right," josh grins, warmth spreading in his chest at hearing tyler's possessiveness over his things.

tyler pulls a shirt and a pair of gym shorts out of the closet. he holds them up to josh, raising an eyebrow. "how's this?"

"sure, i don't care—long as you're comfy. those are my favorite shorts, though, so you really do have to give them back. the shirt you can... borrow... if you want."

"okay," he agrees with a nod. he lays the clothes on the bed beside josh, giving him no time to decide how to react before pulling his shirt off. instinctively, josh rolls onto his back, his eyes darting to the ceiling. such an interesting color. what a good design choice.

tyler chuckles but he doesn't dare look over at him. he's seen him naked enough times now that he's probably pavloved into getting hard just from the sight of his bare chest.

he hears the zip of tyler's jeans before they're being shuffled down his legs. "you're acting like you've never seen me naked before."

the only response he can muster is, "shut up," his cheeks burning hot in embarrassment.

"i'm just playing," tyler snickers, quiet for a few moments before he adds, "there. i'm decent. will you stop acting like i'm medusa?"

josh feels obligated to apologize. "sorry." he turns his head to look at him again, unable to fight the way his lips curl into a smile at the sight of tyler drowning in his clothes. he's so stupidly cute. josh hates it.

"the only thing you have to be sorry for is hogging the entire bed. scoot," tyler orders, waving him away with his hand.

josh complies, shifting to one side of the bed to make room for him. he immediately burrows under the covers, wiggling to get comfortable. when his head hits the pillow, he sighs contentedly, his eyes falling shut immediately. josh, still on top of the comforter, tucks his hands beneath his cheek as he lays on his side facing tyler—watching him, admiring him.

"i forgot how nice your bed is," tyler murmurs, blankets pulled up to his chin as he sinks further into the mattress. "i could lay here forever."

"me too," josh agrees, his voice barely above a whisper, but his gaze lingers on tyler. his sun-kissed skin appears even pinker against the soft orange glow of josh's bed. his lips, pinker still, remind him of the gentle hue that lingers in the sky just as the sun dips below the horizon. sunsets have always been josh's favorite. something about that realization makes him feel like he could stay frozen in this moment of time forever.

that is, until tyler's eyes flutter open and he catches josh staring, red-handed.

tyler doesn't comment on it, he just smiles and breathes a soft hum. "aren't you gonna turn off the lights?"

josh groans. "you're gonna make me get up and do it?"

"yep. too comfy," tyler decides, closing his eyes again. "besides, it's easier to tell secrets in the dark. less scary that way."

"why's that?" he asks. no part of him wants to get up, but he does it anyway because that's what tyler wants.

"s'just easier to be vulnerable in the dark," tyler states simply.

josh can definitely agree with that. he flicks the lights off, letting his eyes adjust to the quiet darkness that settles over the room before shuffling his way back to bed. this time, he joins tyler beneath the covers, leaving a decent amount of space between them.

even in the shadows, josh can tell they're both laid on their sides facing each other. he stays quiet, listening to the soft puffs of tyler's shallow exhales. his breathing is so slow that, for a moment, josh wonders if he's already fallen asleep.

"you first," tyler whispers, signaling he's still conscious.

josh's heart stalls in his chest. him first? why him? how is he even supposed to start?

"okay." he clears his throat, unintentionally shifting an inch closer. he tries, but fails, to think of anything he could share that tyler doesn't already know. other than the obvious. "um... i really don't know. i think you know everything."

"no way. fine, i'll go first," tyler decides, and josh releases a sigh of relief. they're both quiet while tyler deliberates. "okay, i got one. you can't make fun of me, okay?" he waits for josh to promise that he won't before he continues, "i still have that lamb stuffed animal you got me when we were younger."

"bella? you still have her?" josh is amazed, honestly. it was something he gifted tyler as a joke almost ten years ago.

tyler had finally convinced him to watch the twilight series after he'd spent years avoiding it whenever his sisters watched it. josh thought the so the lion fell in love with the lamb quote was particularly corny, but tyler was sure it was one of the most poetic lines in cinema. they went back and forth arguing over it for a while until josh finally asked why tyler liked it so much.

"because," he stated, arms crossed over his chest, "you might think it's cheesy, but i think it's romantic. he's a strong and powerful vampire, yet he found unexpected love in a weak and fragile human. edward could kill her easily—it's in his nature—but instead he's choosing to cherish her instead of destroy her. it's beautiful."

"i guess," josh muttered, not realizing tyler was going to take this so seriously. "or maybe it's just because you think robert pattinson is hot and you wish you were in bella's place."

"shut up!" tyler laughed, playfully shoving his shoulder. "do i think rob is hot? yes. do i wish i was in her shoes? yes. does that have anything to do with this? no."

"don't worry, t. you can be the lamb. you look enough like one, anyway."

"what's that supposed to mean?" he gasped, his voice raising an octave.

"nothing," josh dismissed, chuckling as he held the remote up to unpause the movie. "don't worry about it."

god, josh really has had feelings for tyler for so long. how has he only realized it fairly recently?

"yes, i still have her," tyler admits in a small voice.

"why?"

he sighs, the sound heavy in the quiet room. "um, i don't know honestly. i guess because it's cute. and you got her for me, so she reminds me of you. i know you thought it was a gag gift, but it actually meant a lot to me. it's probably one of the most thoughtful things anyone's ever given me."

"really?" josh whispers incredulously. he had no idea tyler still had that thing, nor how much he actually liked it. he's so glad tyler suggested they turn off the lights because he's cheesing like a big, stupid idiot. "i'm... glad you still have her, then."

"whatever," he quickly dismisses. "your turn."

"okay," josh sucks in a breath, realizing he didn't take any time to actually think about what he should share. "um... do you remember how mark and chris used to always pick on you for being so passionate about song lyrics?"

"yes," tyler mutters, the roll of his eyes evident in his tone. "that used to piss me off so much. they were always such dickheads about it."

"yeah, well, i, uh... one time when we were all hanging out they were really on you about it, and- well- i got really mad at them for it, so after you left that day i kinda freaked out on them," josh shares, his voice trailing off. it feels like such a stupid thing to admit. he never planned on telling tyler.

"what? is that why they finally laid off? oh my god, what did you say to them?" tyler giggles softly, and josh hears the sounds of shuffling as the outline of his dark figure draws closer.

he chuckles at the memory, glad tyler doesn't think he's weird for acting protective over him. "i don't remember exactly. something about how they're not funny and it's really shitty of them. that you deserve better than that. that you're always supportive of the shit they're interested in, which is way more stupid and way less meaningful than anything you like. except i kind of yelled and probably was a lot more mean about it."

tyler laughs, the two of them now so close that josh can once again feel the heat radiating from him. "that's awesome. thank you, j."

"it was nothing," he assures, because really it wasn't. he'd go to hell and back for tyler. loving him is second nature. it's as easy as breathing—has been for as long as he can remember. that thought kickstarts his heart into high gear, his pulse pounding in his ears. he clears his throat. "anyway, your turn."

tyler's response is instant. "i had to think about you when i was with ian to get hard."

josh's breath hitches. it catches him completely off guard. that was not what he was expecting. "oh."

"yeah," tyler breathes a chuckle, immediately retreating back into his shell. "so stupid, i know, anyway-"

"i tried to get with another guy after you left the bar, but i couldn't get hard either," josh admits, cringing as he anticipates an outlandish response from tyler.

all he does is mimic josh's, "oh."

"yeah."

the silence that settles over them is painful. it's so thick and dense, josh feels like he might suffocate. on top of that, they've somehow managed to scoot so close together now that josh can smell tyler's sweet breath. he kind of hopes an asteroid lands on them right now and kills them both.

"so what does that mean?" tyler asks, finally, after josh has fully convinced himself their conversation shriveled up and died. but no, of course not. tyler takes time to choose his words—something josh wishes he could learn to do as well.

"maybe we should try being exclusive," he suggests, immediately wishing he could take the words back once they sit heavy in the dark room. the moments of silence that follow have him crawling out of his skin.

tyler sighs. "j... i don't know. that feels like... too much. it's too much like a relationship. that's not supposed to be the case. we're supposed to stay friends, remember?"

"yeah, you're right. it was stupid to even think. sorry," he quickly apologizes, so sure that tyler might be able to feel his heart racing rapidly beneath his ribcage despite the inch-wide gap between them. when tyler doesn't respond, josh has to go and make it worse. "but there are lots of exclusive friends with benefits out there. works for them, so..."

"how would you even know that?" tyler chuckles, the sound slightly easing the pressure in josh's chest.

"the internet."

"of course. you believe everything you read on the internet, dummy?" he teases, poking the center of josh's chest.

"only if i really want it to be true."

tyler hums some kind of acknowledgment, running the pad of his finger over the lettering on josh's shirt. josh has done enough talking without thinking, so he decides to just shut up now. the feeling of tyler's finger softly trailing over his chest is soothing, his breathing slowly evening out as he focuses on the sensation.

"okay," tyler whispers. "fine. we'll try it. but only because we're both stupid and can't get hard for anybody else. and if it starts to feel too much like a relationship, then... we'll reevaluate."

did an asteroid actually strike down and send josh to heaven? did he fall asleep and he's having a beautiful dream that will leave him completely devastated when he wakes up?

josh truly can't even begin to process that tyler agreed. he said yes, they can be exclusive. tyler is his and his only. well, in a sense... but whatever. tyler is his. nobody else is going to lay a finger on him.

"okay," josh repeats, reorienting himself with a deep breath so he doesn't bust out cheering.

for a split second he feels like he's won the game, like he cracked the code and got exactly what he wanted.

but then, the crushing realization slowly sinks in—he's still only a step closer. just a step. tyler made it clear: no matter how exclusive this is, they're still only friends. no strings attached. he deflates like a sad balloon, an unbearable weight settling in his chest, barely coming to terms with their new dynamic before tyler announces, "i'm exhausted. i'm going to bed now. night, j."

"goodnight," josh responds in a hushed tone, feeling more awake now than he did before.

tyler still has no idea of the depth of his feelings. josh wonders how tyler could ever see him differently, especially now that their dynamic has shifted into something even more complicated.

at this point, he is more certain than ever that he should absolutely not tell tyler the truth in under any circumstance. given how adamant he is that they are just friends and that they are going to stay friends, any slight hint that josh feels differently is surely going to be the end of things. and maybe not even just the end of being friends with benefits, but the end of their friendship as a whole.

josh can never risk that. he doesn't think he'd survive a world without tyler.

as he listens to tyler's breathing slow, josh rolls onto his back and stares blankly at the ceiling, into the dark abyss.

he can't even remember his life before tyler. did he even truly have one? it didn't feel like his life started until he met tyler. everything before that is just a bleak, unsaturated memory—so distant from who he is now, he isn't sure if he could even call that person 'him.'

there is no 'him' without tyler.

he knows with certainty he would not survive a world without tyler.

the sleeping form next to him adjusts, tyler repositioning himself flush against josh's side. his arms subconsciously snake their way around josh's bicep, his jaw coming to rest on josh's shoulder. almost exactly how they had been on the couch watching that horror movie.

josh's heart clenches, his eyes prickling with pathetic tears at the stupid thought that at least something in tyler's subconscious wants to be close to him. so close to him, yet so far. right within josh's grasp, literally, but not in the way he desires.

it's stupid, and josh is pitiful, but if he happens to turn his head to face tyler, maybe presses the softest of kisses against his forehead, and definitely falls asleep with his lips still there, nobody really has to know.