a/n: TW for emetophobia at the very beginning of this chapter

a nauseating stomachache is what wakes josh up the next morning. he's running into the bathroom before his brain has barely even begun to register that he's conscious. he's fortunate enough to not empty his stomach on the bathroom floor, but his body aches and is covered in chills as he leans back against the cold porcelain tub. it only takes a second before he remembers last night and, unfortunately for him, he also remembers how he acted.

he feels horrendously guilty for the way he acted towards tyler, knowing things would not have gone down the way they did if he was sober. no, he would've just swallowed down his jealousy and faked a smile. he would've cried in the privacy of his own home instead of in front of chris and mark.

tyler was right, they never agreed on exclusivity. josh is free to fuck whoever he wants, same as tyler. he knows that, but even when he tried with charlie he just... couldn't. he didn't even want to, really, and he's actually glad he didn't. how is it so easy for tyler, though? josh knows they aren't exclusive, so why does it fucking feel like tyler cheated on him? the way his chest burns at the mere thought of him with ian is excruciating.

josh stands with a groan, every muscle in his body screaming in protest, the dull pain overshadowed by the white fire flickering behind his ribcage. he goes through the motions of brushing his teeth and popping a few ibuprofen, all with a pit in his stomach and tyler in mind.

he's lucky enough that he wasn't too out of it to remember to charge his phone last night. a dead phone would've really been the nail in the coffin. slowly curling back into bed, afraid any sudden movement would make him nauseous again, he makes the sorry mistake of checking his phone. the first thing he notices is a missed call from mark, two from chris, and a few texts from them trying to make sure he's alive. he also spots tyler's name amongst the notifications, but is too much of a pussy to even look at what he said, so he responds to chris first.

are you up yet

are you alive

joshuaaaa

he rolls his eyes. it's barely even past noon, they're just being overdramatic.

i lived bitch

he sends a similar message to mark, prolonging opening tyler's messages until he has no other choice but to face them. the first thing he sees are the texts that he honestly doesn't even remember sending.

you're a bitch

i can't stand you

have fun, asshole

reading them makes him cringe. why the fuck would he send those? what was he thinking? sure, tyler is a bitch and he really can't stand him, but he never would have told him that. he wishes he didn't. thankfully, though, tyler never responded to them. his texts are from this morning.

are you done being mad at me yet?

i hope you're alive at least

you should come over

text me when you wake up

josh is still upset, although not as livid as last night, but he can't help but smile at tyler's invitation.

it's stupid. he's stupid. tyler is stupid. the butterflies in his stomach are stupid.

but as stupid as it all is, josh feels like he might die if he spends much longer without having a conversation with tyler about last night. at least it doesn't seem like he's too mad at him. he probably wouldn't have invited him over otherwise.

i'm getting ready now be there soon

he rolls out of bed, fueled solely by the desire to set things right with tyler. he's going to apologize because he really is sorry for the way he acted, and the guilt of the stupid things he said is eating him alive. at the same time, however, tyler also owes him an apology. he said stupid things too. he did a stupid thing by not telling josh first.

the more he thinks about it, the more furious he gets, and boy does he think about it. his brain is hungover and foggy, but of course the one thing he can think about clearly is tyler and ian. he's thought of a hundred different scenarios of how their night may have went by the time he's dressed and on the road, and a hundred more by the time he gets to tyler's house.

he shifts the car into park, taking a minute to just breathe and calm his racing heart. he needs to have this conversation for his own sake, but that doesn't make it any less scary. usually, he'd have planned out what he wants to say ahead of time, but this time all he could think about was tyler's nails scratching down somebody else's back, so he's got nothing.

his feet are heavy like lead as he drags himself to the front door. it swings open before he can even raise his fist to knock, catching him off guard. tyler greets him with a barely-there smile, explaining, "i was watching for you."

his hair is damp, a few short strands clinging to his forehead while the rest of it is tamed neatly on top. josh wants to reach out and run his fingers through it. he stuffs his hands in his pockets instead. he goes to make a sly comment about tyler being a stalker, but he catches a glimpse of a bright purple bruise on his neck that makes him purse his lips shut. his stomach drops at the sight, a confirmation of what he was still hoping would be proven false like a god damn idiot.

the rage that ignites in his chest is unambiguous albeit unexpected. sober josh isn't typically the kind of person to be outwardly angry, but he can't help the way he slams the door shut behind him. his hangover has seemingly disappeared, words pouring out of him before he can even register them.

"i can't fucking believe you did that last night. you didn't think it was a little rude? showing up with another guy without even giving me so much as a fucking warning? i never would have done that shit to you, tyler. i said some stupid shit that i didn't mean last night and i'm really sorry for that, but you really pissed me off. you didn't even have to bring him, you could've just met up with him afterwards, but no. you brought him with you and flaunted him all night. i mean, what did you expect? did you really expect me to not be pissed off?"

"woah," tyler interjects, his eyebrows furrowed. "i don't understand where this is coming from. we never said we couldn't sleep with other people."

josh groans in frustration, dragging his palm down his face. "i don't think you're listening to me. i don't care that you slept with him," he insists, eyes darting back to the hickey on tyler's neck. "i care that you didn't even tell me. i thought i was going to have a fun night with my best friend, and i was looking forward to it. god forbid i'm angry that you'd rather mess around with some fucking pete davidson look-a-like than hang out with me."

"so you're jealous," tyler huffs, cutting off the protest that josh begins to respond with. "no, you're jealous. just admit it. i told you it wasn't personal and that it was for work, but i think you do care that i slept with him. i'm not fucking stupid, josh. you haven't stopped looking at the hickey on my neck since you walked through the door."

josh quickly raises his eyes to meet tyler's, immediately growing defensive. it feels like a hole is burning through his chest. "you wish i was jealous. i don't give a fuck who you let stick their dick in you. i've told you my reasons. i just wish you could act like a fucking adult and apologize so we can move on."

tyler laughs incredulously. "apologize? sure, i'm sorry for the things i said, but i'm not sorry for what i did. there's no reason why i should apologize for having a life outside of you. my life does not revolve around you, josh. i don't understand why you are still so mad at me."

josh pauses, his jaw clenched as he inhales deeply. tyler is right. his life doesn't revolve around josh. the realization knocks the breath out of his lungs. he is jealous. he's so fucking jealous it's eating him alive. he so desperately wishes that tyler's life did revolve around him, and it kills him that it doesn't.

"if you're that angry with me, maybe you should just go home," tyler continues, his resolve wavering as he lowers his gaze to the ground. "i am sorry that you're upset, but i'm not sorry for what i did."

"ty." josh tries, but fails to get his attention. he hesitantly steps closer.

"i don't think i did anything wrong. okay, maybe i could have warned you, but i wasn't even thinking about it like that-

"tyler," he tries again.

"-but ian being there literally didn't mean anything. we could have still had a good time if you wouldn't have gotten so angry and-"

josh plants his feet on the outside of tyler's, only a mere inches between them now. he raises his hands to tyler's face, firmly cupping his cheeks and swiftly lifting his head to force their eyes to meet.

tyler's eyes are big and beautiful as ever. the words die on his tongue, his lips trembling slightly as if he has more to say but can't get his mouth to cooperate. his whole face is red, the flush of his cheeks warm against josh's palms. so fucking pretty, even all worked up like this.

josh can't take it anymore.

he pulls tyler in to meet him half-way, connecting their lips in a searing kiss. tyler responds immediately, humming against his mouth and grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, pulling josh closer. their lips move together fervently, perfectly in sync and finally curbing josh's insatiable hunger. one hand lowers to rest over tyler's collarbone, thumb gently pressing against the front of his throat, while the other slides to cup the back of his head.

feeling tyler's tongue slowly drag against his lower lip sends a jolt directly to the tip of josh's dick. he hums at the feeling of his nails trailing down his back, that same hunger suddenly returning full-force. his hands lower to tyler's hips and, in one swift motion, he lifts him off the ground and tyler's legs wrap around his waist.

josh backs him into the wall, allowing it to do most of the work in supporting him. one hand remains firm on tyler's thigh while the other cups his jaw. josh is driven by the scorching desperation of needing tyler to want him just as much as he wants tyler, kissing him until they're both desperate for air.

he knows he's entering dangerous territory but doesn't have the strength to stop as his mouth trails down tyler's jaw, leaving a trail of love bites and kisses. tyler's head tilts back so josh takes that as a sign to continue, lowering his lips to his neck and licking a flat stripe over the existing bruise.

"j," tyler whines, his hips bucking against josh. the latter hums in response, sinking his teeth into the skin above his collarbone. "stop, i- fuck. don't wanna have sex."

josh lifts his head, his eyes searching tyler's. he sure looks like he wants to be fucked senseless, especially with the way he bites his lip and bats his long lashes. such a pretty thing.

"who said anything about having sex?" he challenges, blindly chasing the pursuit of taking tyler in whatever way he'll give himself. when tyler's only response is a soft whine and his fingers tightening around josh's hair, the man grins and reattaches his lips to his neck.

the hickey ian left behind is small but vibrant. josh wants to leave a thousand of them. he wants to mark tyler up so well that everybody knows he belongs to him. wants to brand him with the words "PROPERTY OF JOSH DUN" in big, bold letters.

he sucks a few nice bruises against tyler's throat, relishing in the soft gasps and quiet moans that spill out of him before he's stopping things again. "josh, we- god. we can't. we made the- the rules, and-"

"fuck the rules," josh decides, his lips brushing against the sensitive skin as he mutters. he soothes his tongue over the marks, groaning at the way tyler's hips buck against his again. those rules were stupid, anyway. he doesn't care how many he breaks as long as he gets tyler at the end of it.

tyler whimpers, finally giving up on his pitiful attempt of pretending like he's not just as desperate as josh. "fuck, j. need you. just kiss me."

josh wastes no time in connecting their lips once more, a flutter in his stomach at tyler's confession. he tries not to overthink the rush of endorphins that instantly dissolve any lingering anger he'd stuffed beneath the surface.

he really does try.

he tries to stay present and focus on the feeling of tyler moaning into his mouth. gripping his hair. grinding against him. but now that the simmering jealousy is gone, it's been replaced by a strangely deep contentment.

it's warm.

it's bright.

it's unconditional.

josh pulls back suddenly, breaking the kiss as his wide, frantic eyes stare into tyler's confused ones. "what's wrong?"

josh has been trying to ignore it. he's been in denial, trying to brush it off, making countless excuses.

"nothing, i- um, i just..." his heart is racing so fast he thinks he might have a heart attack. he quickly lowers tyler to his feet, one hand over his chest as he takes a clumsy step backwards.

tyler reaches out, taking josh's hand into his own and watching him in concern. "josh? are you okay?"

josh stares at their connected hands, watching the way tyler's thumb rubs against the back of his. comforting. electrifying. scary.

his mouth runs dry. "yeah, i- yeah. fine. i just, uh..." he hesitates, trying to find an explanation but coming up short. "i have to go. i'm sorry."

"oh," tyler frowns, dropping his hand, leaving him feeling empty and cold. "is it, uh, something i did?"

josh shakes his head, barely able to form a response because he's too focused on trying to just fucking breathe. "no, me. sorry. i'll text you," is the only thing he can manage before he's out the front door. all he can do is pray tyler isn't watching as he gets in his car, his hands shaking and legs starting to tingle.

"fuck," he mutters, peeling out of tyler's driveway, trying to beat the panic attack that's forcing it's way out of him. "it's okay. you're okay. i'm okay. i can breathe. it's okay."

he's such a fucking idiot. nothing was supposed to change between them. they were supposed to stay just friends. josh wasn't supposed to develop feelings for him. fuck, how did this happen? what's going to happen now? what the fuck is he supposed to do?

the building panic attack hits him full force as he bursts through his front door. he barely even remembers the drive there, but his legs are starting to go numb and he can't catch his breath. he stumbles into the living room, sitting on the couch with his legs pulled into his chest. his elbows rest on his knees, his head in his hands as his chest heaves rapidly.

tyler is going to hate him. he's ruined everything. is he supposed to tell him? how could he tell him? tyler isn't even going to want to be his friend anymore. he'll probably be weirded out. he'll stop talking to him. holy fuck, josh really has ruined everything.

he begins choking out sobs with such a force that it feels as if every drop of oxygen has been squeezed from the depths of his lungs. panic attacks aren't new to him, but he hasn't had one in a long time and this one was so sudden that he can't pull himself together enough to utilize his coping skills.

all he can do is sit there and gasp for air in between sobs, praying to whatever higher power is out there that these feelings for tyler go away.

a/n: hi!!

thank you guys so much for 1k reads!!

i'm really proud of this chapter. i had a lot of fun writing it. treat her kindly <3