Dear Diary,

            Love is complicated. We go about our lives trying to find it, and when we do, we try our best to protect it and hold onto it with a death grip because we're so afraid of never finding it again. I did that with Rodrigo. I clung to it until Ben showed me how love is supposed to feel.

He stayed with me in Melody's room till late in the night—lying on the bed facing each other. Ben was patient as I rambled about nonsense, thanks to the peyote amplifying everything around us. It felt like hours until I finally came down from hallucinating, but when I did, Melody disappeared, giving us time to be alone.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like this."

"Don't be." He stroked a few curls out of my eyes. "It's not your fault."

"It's still embarrassing."

"Why?"

"Because." I shrugged and began toying with the loose threads in the comforter. "It just is."

"I'm the one who should be embarrassed."

"Why?"

"I lost my temper. Beat the shit out of your husband."

"You were worried. It's ok." I looked up at him.

"Yeah, but fighting is trashy. I don't like how you saw that side of me."

"So you'd rather hide parts of yourself from me?" I prodded.

"No. It's not that. It's because I like you so much. Maybe too much. And it's scary."

Leaning up on an elbow, I asked, "Why is it scary?"

"Because you've become important to me and what I feel for you is powerful. Like this energy that takes over and makes me step outside of myself. Usually, I'm private, but you have a way of extracting my honesty." He began rubbing the bridge of his nose and groaned. "I don't know. I'm not explaining this right."

"I think you did ok, as long as it's honest."

"It is, and that's why it's scary because you're married, so I shouldn't want you for myself, but I do."

"But I am yours." I caressed his face, and he placed his hand over mine, his eyes closing at the sensation of my touch. "And you are mine."

"I am." He nodded and opened his eyes. "And I know we haven't known each other for long, but during these last few weeks, my feelings for you have grown, and I've fallen in love with you, Carmela."

"What?"

"I've been in love with you for a while now. I tried fighting it, but I gravitate towards you like a magnet. I miss you when you're not around, and my heart aches when we part ways because I know you're leaving me to be with him. And there's nothing wrong with that. He's your husband, so I shouldn't get jealous when he puts his arms around you or kisses you, yet I do because it should be me who gets to do that."

My heart was already beating rapidly throughout the night from the drugs, but this was different. This was as if my heart had exploded from my chest and dove into his to embrace his heart. I searched his eyes, trying to find the lies in his words, but deep in my soul, I knew it was all true, so I began to cry. Then, as he wiped a lone tear trickling down my cheek, I felt the words bubble up to my throat and burst from my mouth.

"I love you too."

His thumb paused from rubbing my cheek, and he stared as if trying to detect the lies in my words too, so I repeated it.

"I love you, Ben. It's been a while for me too."

As if it was the assurance he needed, he rolled me onto my back and kissed me. It was the first time we were alone on a bed, which made my fingers tremble as I wrapped my arms around him and gripped his shirt. For weeks I daydreamed about making love to him. I fantasied about his mouth grazing the flesh of my neck and his hips thrusting against mine, but then he broke away from our kiss, and I whimpered in protest. He chuckled, his eyes beaming at me, and then pulled the shirt over his head, revealing the tattoo covering his chest.

Until then, I had only seen parts of the ink peek-a-booing from under his shirt sleeves. Now the black swirls were on full display, and my hands went right to his chest to feel the design under my fingers. Smiling, he slipped his hands under my shirt and slipped it off in one clean motion, leaving me half-naked. He inhaled a deep breath, the ink on his chest expanding as his green eyes roamed the contours of my body. I clenched my thighs around his waist, needing him closer, and there was no confusion about the bulge in his pants. The fact I could create such a physical reaction only made me want him more. 

And I wanted to give him every last ounce of me to cement being his—not Rodrigo's. 

But then fear hit me.

Was I capable of cheating on my husband, and I mean, truly cheat on him by sleeping with someone else?

Because Rodrigo being an asshole didn't excuse me, nor did being in love with Ben. I had lost so much of myself on the tour that I wasn't sure if I was ready to sacrifice more.

"What's wrong?" Ben furrowed his brows.

"I just got really nervous."

"Am I going too fast?"

"No." I shook my head and blinked away new tears. "I'm just scared."

"I see." He stroked my cheek with his thumb before rolling off to nestle beside me. "How about we save all of the bad things I want to do to you for another day?"

"Ok." I turned sideways to face him, and he pulled me close, pressing his forehead to mine. For a while, we breathed the same air—our two souls connecting as one and our hearts fusing a bond. With Ben, I never had to worry about anything else because it all faded away.

With him, I was safe.

With him, I could be me.

"I love you, Carmela," he whispered.

"I love you."

And I did. I meant every letter of those three words because Ben's soul was mine, and mine was his. We remained there for the next few hours, talking and laughing, until Melody returned, deflating the tiny bubble where only we existed.

"Leo is on his way. He wants alone time..."

"So you're saying we have to leave?" I sat up.

"Yeah, but you should avoid returning to your room for a bit."

"Why?"

"You just should," she insisted.

"You can come to my room," Ben offered.

"That's probably not a good idea," Melody replied. "If Rodrigo finds out..."

"Let him!" Ben swiveled to his feet. "I'm not going to tiptoe around him. He doesn't own Carmela, and he sure as fuck isn't going to tell me what I can and can't do."

"Yeah, but she's the married one. She's the one who'll have to confront the consequences if her maniac husband finds out! Don't be a jackass. We both know how fucked up Rodrigo is when he gets a wild hair up his ass."

Ben's jaw clenched and unclenched, his gaze moving to the corner of his eye to peer at me before flitting back to Melody. "Fine. You're right. But if that asshole is dancing on the damn ceiling, I'm not leaving Carmela alone with him. She WILL come with me."

"Fine." Melody threw her hands up and stepped aside for us.

We exited the room and headed down the dark corridor, the scent of cigarette smoke seeping out from the cracks of doorways and the carpet sticky from spilled booze. Unlike the fancy Caesars Palace, this was a cheap hotel off the strip, and the walls were thin enough to hear every cough, shout, and couple having loud sex. We spotted Leo just a few feet ahead, exiting my room, and he paused in his tracks, a hand going to his blonde hair to smooth it down.

"Um... You probably shouldn't go in there right now."

"Why?" I quirked a brow.

"Rodrigo is in there with Dave and Alex."

"So? I've seen him wasted before. What's the big deal?"

Leo opened his mouth to speak but stopped and pivoted to Ben, followed by a silent exchange of nods and head shakes. I glanced back and forth between them, waiting for one of them to explain.

"Ben." I glared. "What are you not telling me?"

"Maybe you should take her for a walk?" Leo suggested.

"No!" I barked and weaved past them, darting for the door. Ben grasped for the back of my shirt, but despite being so much smaller than him, I was quick on my feet and spun away.

"Carmela, wait!"

But it was too late as I swiped the key and barged inside, my feet tripping over empty beer cans. The room's warmth hit me first, followed by the stale scent of alcohol, yet there was also the burnt odor of something I couldn't quite pinpoint. However, it didn't take long to digest the scene under the dim fluorescent lights. Alex and Dave were passed out on the bed, but Rodrigo's head snapped up, a needle between his fingers as he released the make-shift tourniquet on his arm, his eyes rolling back.

"My sweet thing..." he mumbled before flopping sideways onto the mattress.

"No..." I stepped back, bumping into Ben.

"You don't need to see this." He wrapped his arms around me and tried guiding me away, but I stiffened.

"How long."

"How long, what?"

Breaking free from him, I twisted around and shoved his chest, tears amassing in my eyes as I rushed from the room. He called after me, but I kept moving, trying to remember where the hell the elevator was. I had no idea where I was going, but it was far away from what I just saw.

"Carmela, wait. Where are you going?"

"Away!" I shouted over my shoulder, but Ben caught up, and I slapped his hands as he reached for me. "How long have you known about him doing heroin!?"

"Carmela, I told you that day by the pool. He's into heavy shit."

"How long!"

"Carmela..."

"Damnit, how long!" I shoved his chest, but Ben seized my wrists and pulled me into a hug.

"I know it's not me you're angry with. It's him, and you have every right to be. He's lied to you and hidden these ugly parts of himself instead of being truthful with the one person he should be honest with. You deserve better from him."

"Why did I marry him?" I whispered, clutching his shirt. "I'm so stupid. Why did I believe life with him would be a happily ever after? Maybe everyone is right, and I am just a stupid, naive girl."

"You're not stupid, baby doll. You didn't know what he's like, and that's his fault, not yours."

"I wish I could go back to that night we met." I peered at him. "And choose you instead."

"Except I didn't give you a choice that night. Remember? And I've been kicking myself ever since. In a way, I feel like I threw you to the wolves, and it's been so hard seeing you deteriorate because of him. I should have done a better job protecting you, but from here on out, I will. From here on out, he won't hurt you anymore."

He kissed the top of my head, his arms wrapping tighter around me as my entire body shook, my lungs burned, and the ground beneath us evaporated.

But Ben held me.

He held me until all of the crying emptied from my system, and at that moment, only we mattered. 

No one else.

Because I was his, and he was mine.