Dear Diary,

           I've made many shameful decisions in life that I'm not proud of. I'm sure you've caught on by now how incredibly dumb I can be, and there are so many things I wish I could take back. Like the time I got wasted on a Sunday with friends, puked all over the place, and was followed by a man in a black Towncar who tried convincing me he was a taxi driver. He even got out of the car and put his hands on me, but a split second of sobriety gave me the will to shove him and run back to the restaurant. Even now, I shiver over the memory.

And I know what you're thinking. How could a woman whose husband is an alcoholic do that? It wasn't like me to drink so much. Especially after the tour, but every once in a while, I enjoyed the escape of having a good time with friends. We usually had brunch, but on that night, we went out for dinner and drinks, and it was the first time in a long time that I felt like myself again. Where I could be Carmela instead of Rodrigo's wife. I wore a sparkling dress, my curls never looked better, and I danced and laughed all night.

However, even great nights can turn vicious, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since. But not all of my memories are full of regret.

It was three months into the tour, and I had fought hard to squelch the growing attraction to Ben. It didn't help that he was no longer avoiding me. He'd seek me out backstage and see me sitting alone in some corner, reading. I often retreated whenever Rodrigo was on a bender, and books became my escape from him.

Ben became my escape from him.

He'd sit there with me, and we would talk about everything and sometimes nothing. Other times it was just silly conversation where we joked and teased. I like to think I brought out his playful side, which not everyone saw. Everyone else saw his quiet, intimidating side—the tall bassist who brooded in corners while everyone else partied. But with me, he revealed his inner layers. With me, he was honest and would let me in on his secrets.

Our friendship grew, and my attraction intensified with each passing day. I wanted him. Badly.

The opportunity came in New Mexico.

The band's manager had arranged for us to share a tour bus with Leo's band by that point. It was a crowded space, especially near the bunks, where we had to walk sideways and suck in our guts as another person passed by. Yet, I had zero complaints whenever I had to squeeze passed Ben. That afternoon as we traveled to Albuquerque, I had been sitting with Rodrigo in the front, his hand on my knee while scribbling lyrics into a notepad. He always had his head in a notebook when he wasn't blitzed off substances or doting on me. I admired that about him. 

We were having a good day. His head seemed clear, and we cuddled like the lovebirds we were that first month we met. I even forgot about my growing attraction to Ben since my heart was too full in our moment of normalcy, but my bladder had other plans. So, I peeled away from Rodrigo.

"Where are you going? Stay with me," he begged me with kisses all over my knuckles.

"I have to pee," I giggled. 

"Then come back quick. You're my lightbulb. The ideas pour out of me when you're beside me." 

"Ok." I grinned and bent, giving him a peck on the lips before disappearing behind the partition separating the front of the bus from the back. 

Sometimes the bus had an unsteady rhythm as the tires bounced over the highway, which forced all of us to work on our balance while walking around. However, this stretch of road was extra bumpy, so I held onto whatever I could while making my way towards the back where the bathroom was. While passing the bunks, Leo and Melody were all over each other in one of them, not even bothering to close their curtain. Melody glanced up and winked before shoving her tongue down Leo's throat. When I reached the bathroom, Ben opened the door, his hair wet from showering and the steam seeping behind him. 

"Hey, stranger." He smiled, rubbing his hair with a towel.

"Hi."

"Be careful in there. Might be slippery."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't make such a mess next time."

"Gonna teach me a lesson?" He arched a brow, a sly smile taking over, and my cheeks warmed. 

"I might make you cry." I slid past him, my shoulder brushing his chest, but he didn't bother to move out of the way as I stepped inside the bathroom. "Excuse me."

"You're excused." 

"I can't close the door with you blocking it."

Pivoting slightly, he sized me up. "Or maybe I'm a voyeur and want to watch you pee." 

"What?" I stepped back, my legs butting the toilet, and his smirk grew devilish as he dipped his head, his face inches from mine. Any worry of Rodrigo stumbling upon us evaporated as Ben's delicious, freshly bathed scent coaxed me forward. Just one bump and our lips would connect.

But somewhere on the bus, Melody and Leo began shouting at each other, and it yanked me from Ben's magnetic pull. He snapped out of whatever mischief he was up to and straightened. 

"Guess I'll save torturing you for another day."

"No way. You're not the torturing type," I scoffed, hands on hips and chin held high.

"No? That what am I?"

"Sweet. Kind. Gentle."

"I'll always be those things you, Carmela. It's what you deserve."

Our gazes remained locked for a few more beats, with my heart's rhythm pulsing in my ears. Was he thinking the same thing as me? Did our kiss from that night at the concert play on repeat in his mind too? Then he reached forward, and my body gravitated in anticipation for his touch again, but he grabbed the doorknob instead.

"Seriously though, be careful in here. The floor is slick." He closed the door, leaving me to stand there with a drippy faucet as I slapped my hands to my face, embarrassed but also ashamed for entertaining the idea of kissing a man who wasn't my husband.

For the rest of the ride, our interactions were a tease. We'd cross paths and brush against one another in perfect timing with every bump in the road, forcing me to hold up my hands. Even with quick contact, the phantom sensation of his rigid torso remained under my fingertips long after walking away. It also didn't help that his woodsy body wash lingered on my clothes for the rest of the day. Rodrigo didn't even notice, and if he did, he never said a word. 

But despite the tension frothing between Ben and me, things were going well with Rodrigo. So I focused on that, like a good wife.

When we paused at a rest stop, the group spilled from the bus like a bunch of tattooed, long-haired misfits, prompting heads to turn our way. It didn't matter where we went. We consistently disrupted the peace of other people as we stretched our legs. Some band members meandered over to a grassy area for a smoke, while others scurried off to the deli attached to the gas station. My stomach gurgled in hunger, but Rodrigo took my hand and tugged me towards the gift shop. 

For a while, we browsed the tiny space, toying with souvenirs and trying on sunglasses in front of the mirrors. I began fanning through a rack of t-shirts, scanning their various colors with unique designs of the New Mexican landscape. They were only five bucks each, so I held one against me, debating whether to buy it. Chuckling, Rodrigo grabbed a cowboy hat from a pile on top of the rack and modeled it.

"I should wear this on stage!"

"It looks perfect on you." I stood on tiptoes behind him to gaze at his reflection.

"Nah, it's not rock-n-roll." He spun around and placed the hat on me instead, his fingers styling my curls into place. "Beautiful."

"No way." I shifted to peek at the mirror. "I look silly!" 

"Baby, you could wear a paper bag and still be beautiful." He stepped behind me and weaved his arms around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder. "Look at us. I'm the lucky son-of-a-bitch who gets to be your husband till we're old and grey, and when I'm on my death bed after a long life, it'll be you holding my hand as I slip away."

"Rodrigo... that's kind of morbid."

"It's life, my sweet thing. Till death do us part." He kissed my cheek before releasing me. "Come on, let's look at the shiny stuff."

Moments later, we stood over a glass display with turquoise and silver jewelry glinting under lamps. 

"You'd dazzle in those earrings, baby." Rodrigo nudged my elbow, his chin pointing to a set. 

"They're stars." I smiled, admiring the turquoise stones surrounded by little diamonds, creating five points. 

"Excuse me, ma'am, can we look at these earrings right here?" Rodrigo asked.

"Sure."

An indigenous woman with sleek black hair draped over her shoulder unlocked the display and placed the earrings on the glass. I didn't have to look at the price tag to know they would be expensive. The radiant diamonds said it all as they winked under the ceiling lights. However, Rodrigo lifted the earrings box to look closer, then flipped it over to peek at the price tag. 

"I'm getting pretty hungry." I tugged on his arm, giving him an excuse to walk away. He never divulged his income, but judging by his apartment, he couldn't afford to splurge on something so pricey. 

"Alright, go ahead and order me a turkey sandwich with everything. I'll meet you there." He kissed my forehead and returned his attention to the display. "What about that necklace right there?" 

"But I don't have money," I said, giving him another chance to walk away, but he reached inside his wallet and handed me a twenty. 

"There you go." 

I was out of excuses with money in hand, so I headed for the deli and placed our order. From the window, I spied on Ben as he sat with a few roadies, chatting and eating at a picnic table under the sun. The muscles on his arms flexed as he gestured about, highlighting how sun-kissed his light skin had become from relaxing poolside at the hotels, but his nose was more reddish. It was adorable, and I wanted to be out there with him, listening to whatever story he was telling. 

But we had an unspoken rule to avoid each other whenever too many people were around, so I shifted my focus to Rodrigo.

"Ready to go?" He draped his arm over my shoulders as I grabbed our lunch from the sandwich maker.

After a few more minutes of relaxing at the rest stop, we all climbed back inside the bus and continued driving to our destination.

Towards the place that would shift things between Ben and me.