CHAPTER SIXTY: THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF !

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     DEPRESSION IS LIVING IN A BODY THAT FIGHTS TO SURVIVE, WITH A MIND THAT TRIES TO DIE. Depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is. Depression is so insidious and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to never see the end. Depression is feeling like you've lost something but having no clue when and where you last had it. Then one day, you realize that the thing you lost is yourself. Casey felt that way for the last week and a half.

      After Emily's funeral, the only thing Casey did was stay in bed. She would toss and turn every hour to maintain movement. She hadn't showered in almost a week. She laid in her filth, of tissues and books. Only thing that made her feel better was reading but no matter what book Casey read, nothing helped her.

     Even going to her therapist wasn't helping. Her therapist recommended the girl to go through her grieving process naturally. Like Casey was gonna do well with that advice.

    She checked her phone but never responded to anyone's messages. She didn't even bother to read them. Only person she wanted to see a message from was dead.

    Casey occasionally got up out of bed and would use the bathroom and that was about the only time she would get out bed. Afterwards, she'd get back under the bed covers and stay there in hopes to join Emily with a sickening fate.

    Maybe Casey could die in her sleep... or of starvation since she wasn't eating. Maybe a burglar could kill her in the middle of the night. She wanted to be with Emily. But something told her she had to stay. And obviously she couldn't straight up kill herself.

      Today, Casey decided to get up.

     For a moment, she forgot about Emily. She forgot about Ian Doyle. She forgot about letting Emily leave. She forgot about everything. Just for a mere moment.

     Casey got out of her clothes and took a shower. Maybe she could deny that Emily was dead in her head. She was still alive in her head.

     Denial is like a cloud that obscures the sky. It blocks the truth. It reduces clarity. It's like a remote location. One so well masked that many people deny having even heard of it let alone having been trapped in it. Denial is the beginning of the end. That's all Casey could do.

      Deny, deny, deny. That denial soon ended and Casey realized that Emily wasn't coming back.

      Baby steps were a part of the grieving process. Casey went back into bed and lasted another day in her bedroom, maintaining movement by tossing and turning every now and then. The next day, Casey sat up and sulked in the bed for at least an hour and she finally stood up and looked outside the window and she wanted the sun to go away. She wanted rain. She wasn't happy, so why did the world need to be?

        Casey walked out into the kitchen and heard her phone ring. She decided to let it go to voicemail. She didn't want to speak to anyone. She wasn't ready for that yet. Like she thought, baby steps.

Casey's voice box beeped and suddenly, Garcia's voice came through to her messages. "Hey, fair maiden." Casey stopped in her tracks since she had been looking through her mail that she hadn't read in at least a couple of weeks.

"I hope you're doing okay. I really hope you are. Like really. This is my, probably 100th, time calling you but I really wanna see how you're doing." It had definitely been more than 100 calls the past couple of weeks. Garcia had constantly worried about the youngest member of the team. The girl hadn't shown up at work in those short weeks and it worried everyone. Hotch had told the girl, as well as the rest of the team to take as much time as they needed off.

       "If you need a laugh or smile or just company, let me know and I'll be there in a second splat. I'll literally drop everything. I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? Because I love you and you're like the little sister I've always wanted, okay? So, if you need anything, anything at all, let me know. Bye." Garcia's call ended at that.

Suddenly, the voice box beeped again, meaning she had another call on the line and this time, JJ's voice came up. "Hey, Casey. It's JJ, calling you... again." Casey had put the mail away at this point. "Listen, I-I know that you're in mourning right now and I'm really hoping that you're okay."

Casey stood as she listened to the messages. "Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow night. I know Henry wants to see his auntie Casey again. So, if you're thinking about coming, just... give me a call. Bye." She checked the timing on the box and saw that had been sent to her this morning.

Casey decided to walk back into her room but before she could make it back — another voice came up on her voice box. One she wasn't expecting.

     "Hey, Casey, this is Reid."

     That made Casey stop in her tracks.

     "I, uh, normally don't leave messages but Garcia and JJ suggested that I should call you. We're all really worried and we're hoping that you're okay." Casey turned around, hearing Reid's voice on the box caught her by surprise.

     "You know, most people grieve after certain events, such as the loss of a loved one. This usually causes symptoms of depression and anxiety for months afterward. What most people don't know is that... acceptance is a good thing for when people die. It betters us, gives us life lessons. You probably don't want to hear that right now but... it's the best I could do. I know you like my facts and everything, I don't know why I went with that one, it just seems relevant to the subject."

       Reid was trying, Casey heard that.

      "Anyways, if you want to... go get coffee or something, or if you want me to get coffee and we could meet at your apartment or mine, either one— I'm here. If you need to talk." There was a long pause. "Yeah. Bye." With that, Casey headed back to her room and got back into bed.

Hours passed by and Casey remained in bed until she decided that she needed to get out of bed. Maybe she could actually be more productive today than reading her mail or listening to her voice messages. She exited her bedroom and looked around the apartment.

She hadn't done much cleaning in a while. The apartment was a mess, well, it always was... but not to this extent. Casey began to walk around the apartment and her foot bumped into a glass bottle of alcohol. The only time that Casey permitted herself to drink was during funerals. She only had one. And thank God she able to control herself from having any more.

       Bargaining. An utterly, useless stage in the grief process. Casey began to think. What if I stopped her from walking out? What if we had found her sooner? Why couldn't I have talked to her about what was going on more? Why couldn't I do more?

      The bargaining stage lasted in Casey for a while now. Over the last few weeks, it was all she could think about as she laid in her bed. Casey began to think of all the things Emily had been talking about and what she told her and what she did. It angered it. It angered her because she could've done something to stop it. Out of her heap of anger, Casey threw the bottle across the room and it shattered into pieces.

When there is anger, there is always pain underneath. Anger doesn't solve anything, it builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. Anger is a like a fire. It burns everything clean.

Casey sighed and decided that throwing the bottle didn't even do her any good. She rushed over, grabbed her trash can and tried to clean the glass but suddenly, the glass had cut her hand and a line of blood was drawn on her hand.

        "Damn it!" Casey cursed and stood up and rushed over to the sink and rinsed the blood off of her hand. The pain was unbearable and she grabbed a rag and put it to her hand and wrapped it around her hand.

Casey took a deep breath and decided to leave the rest of the glass in the same place. Casey sat down on her couch and looked around at the place. One step at a time... she thought. She sighed and then realized how dark it was getting. She checked her clock and saw that it was already 7:00ish. Casey looked over at her voicemail box and thought.

        It wouldn't hurt to go and see JJ. She could always just go back home if she felt introverted. Casey sulked for a couple more minutes before deciding to get up and put on some clothes and wrap her hand up in a bandage. If JJ asked, she would say she cut her hand cutting food. But she was going to keep her hand in her pocket half of the night so no questions would be asked.

Casey grabbed her keys, set her alarm system and left the apartment complex. She headed into the parking lot and decided to drive to JJ's house. She didn't live far. Casey arrived at the address and took a deep breath before getting out of the car and going up to the porch.

The girl stood at the porch for a brief minute and with her heart in her hand, she knocked on the door. After doing so, Casey regretted it and maybe hoped no one was home for her to make a quick getaway to her car and before she could turn her back to the door and make her way to the car, JJ answered the door.

Casey looked at the front door and spoke: "Hey." Her voice was pretty hoarse. "Casey." JJ said, surprisingly. She honestly didn't expect Casey to show up since she never called her back so to see Casey was a shock.

"Is the offer still open?" Casey asked. JJ looked at the girl and smiled a bit. "Never closed." Casey gave a small smile back to JJ. It had been a while since she smiled. "Come on in." JJ made a walkway for Casey to enter the house.

When Casey walked into the kitchen, she spotted Will, as well as Spencer and Henry. Reid had been explaining some fact about utensils when Henry's attention turned to the new guest in the house. "Look who's here!" JJ smiled.

It was then that Casey caught the attention of Reid. He was pretty shocked that she showed up, as well.

"Auntie Casey!" Henry shouted and rushed over to his godmother. Casey knelt down to Henry's level and gave the boy a big smile. "Hi, Henry!" She gave him a tight hug and took a look at him. "You've gotten so big! Oh my goodness!"

Casey stood up and looked towards Will and greeted him. She then turned to Reid and Reid stood up out of his seat and looked at the girl. Reid took a deep breath and Casey gave Reid a small smile.
"Hey."
"Hi."

The room got quiet and JJ looked at Will and said: "Uh, Will, why don't you take Henry to wash up? Dinner's almost ready." With that, Will took Henry with upstairs to go and wash up. "Come on, bud." Henry and Will were now out of the room and it was only JJ, Reid and Casey in the room.

Casey put her bag on the counter and JJ went around the counter and began to speak to Casey and Reid. "What made you change your mind?" JJ asked Casey in curiosity.

Casey shrugged, "Needed to get out of the house, eventually." JJ and Reid exchange a look. They had both been worried about Casey since the last time she went through something traumatic, she started drinking.

"How have you been?" JJ asked. Casey sighed, "Not very well, if I'm being honest." I mean, at least she was being honest. "Do you want anything to drink?" JJ began to head over to the fridge. "No, I'm okay." Casey assured. "You sure?" JJ asked. "Yeah."

"I just... needed to get out of my apartment. I'm tired of seeing the same walls." Casey told. Both JJ and Spencer nodded in understanding. "I felt that way, too." Reid told. "I've been staying with JJ for a couple of weeks now."

       "You can stay the night if you want. I know it's a little late to offer, but I'd be fine with you staying here if you need a change of scenery." JJ suggested to the girl. Casey looked at JJ. "Are you sure?" She asked.

         JJ nodded, "Positive. One can take the guest room, one can take the couch." Both Reid and Casey exchange a look. "I'll take the couch." Reid stated. Casey shakes her head, considering Reid has been staying with JJ for a while now. "No, I'll take it, it's fine." She offered.

        "No, I'll take it. It's okay." Reid assured. With a defeated look, Casey sighed.

         As the night went on, Henry had fallen asleep and it seemed as if Will and JJ were asleep as well. Reid hadn't been getting enough sleep at night. Casey wasn't sleeping either. It was currently midnight, close to being 1am, and Casey was perched on the windowsill in the guest room. She looked at the street light as it flickered. The lights mesmerized her in her way. The street JJ lived on had a sort of vibe to it.

          Casey heard a tiny knock at the door and Reid had appeared from the other side of the door as it opened. "Hey." Reid greeted. He had walked in with two cups of coffee in his hand. "Hey." Casey smiled a bit.

         Reid walks over to the windowsill carefully and hands Casey a cup of coffee. "Here, I had three cups already." He said. "Thanks." Casey smiled a bit as she took a sip. Reid was definitely having trouble sleeping if he was drinking coffee at 1am.

         The two sat in silence for a brief minute, looking at the street lights together as they were perched on the windowsill like birds on a wire.

         Casey ran a thumb at the rim of the coffee cup and she looked down as she spoke. "Doesn't seem real, does it?" She questioned. Reid looked her way and looked down right along with her. "No, how can it?" He took another sip from his coffee cup.

         "I blame myself," Casey admitted and that made Reid look her way almost immediately. "The last time that I saw her... she was walking out of those doors. And I could've stopped her but I didn't. It's not fair. It's not."

        Reid took a deep breath and set his coffee cup down as he sat in front of her. "Take my hands." He told, holding his hands out in front of the girl. "What?" Casey asked in confusion. With no repetition, Reid took Casey's hands into his and Casey looked Reid in the eyes, noticing his brownish/golden eyes and the dark circles engraved under them.

        "This was not your fault," Reid told. "Emily made a decision and she still would've gone even if you tried to stop her." Casey took in another deep breath. "We're gonna get through this. And we're gonna get through this together, okay?" Casey nodded.

          Reid looked down and took notice of Casey's bandaged hand. "What happened? Are you okay?" He asked. Casey took her hand away. "Uh, yeah, I just... hurt myself cutting carrots, that's all." Reid read the girl like a book and Casey gave in. "I, uh, threw a beer bottle across the room and tried to clean it up and cut myself doing so."

          Reid had taken the girl to the kitchen and helped her with hydrogen peroxide and helped clean her hand up a bit. As he finished properly bandaging her hand up, Reid looked at the girl and Casey stared into his eyes. After realizing he was done, Reid let go of Casey's hands and was about to walk to the couch with his cup of coffee when Casey stopped Reid.

          "Hey," Reid turned around. "Can you stay with me?" Casey's eyes widen. "In the room? My room... j-just for the night, please?" She asked and Reid was confused. "I... uh, are you— uh, comfortable... with... that?" Casey nodded at Reid's words and so, Reid followed Casey to the room.

          Reid decided to sit on the windowsill as Casey had decided to sleep on the bed. Before she could fall asleep, she fell apart and Reid had seen her back bouncing up and down and her sniffles and cries were heard. Reid decided, very hesitantly, to put a hand on Casey's shoulder comfortingly. Casey had grabbed onto to Reid's hand and Reid had decided to sit on the bed and Casey sat up and hugged Reid.

           Reid didn't know how to react. Casey was a close friend of his, so why was it so weird to hug her back? Reid sat up at the bed post and Casey rested her head onto his chest and continued to cry. Reid tried his best to comfort the broken girl as much as he could.

          Hours passed and Casey had fallen asleep. Before it was 6am, Reid snuck out of the room before JJ and everyone else could wake up. He was glad that he tried his best to comfort Casey to the best that he could do.

           Casey had thought as she drove back to her apartment the next day. She thought of acceptance. A step she still needed to take in her grieving process. Acceptance was the harshest life lesson taught and it was the most important to learn. It was the road to all change. Only happiness could exist in acceptance. It was the one step she was still learning to take on her road down the grieving process.

And soon enough, she'd complete the five stages of her grief. But right now wasn't the time. And that was what she needed... time.

hey, lovelies!
i kind of wanted to add this in so y'all could see how casey is dealing with the aftermath of emily's "death"
and i wanted to add a lil jj and reid into the mix bc why not lol
anywaysss
thank you for reading
ily all 🤍
-mya <333