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𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐚𝐦 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠?

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The woman sitting in the chair next to me is clicking her pen repeatedly. I am unsure if she knows she is doing it, as her focus is entirely drawn to the pastor at the front of the sanctuary. She is enraptured by his sermon, but I don't think I have heard a word he has said for the last ten minutes. That stupid clicking pen is echoing in my brain.

Behind me, a man sneezes, and someone whispers, "Bless you." A couple of teenagers whisper in hushed tones a few rows ahead of me, and a woman across the aisle is diligently taking notes, paper rustling as her hand flies across the page.

Everyone is nodding along with what the pastor is saying, seemingly perfectly content, but I am far too aware of the itch of the seat on my bare arms, the cool breeze coming off the overhead fans, and the slight rumble of hunger in my stomach. This church is supposed to be my home, yet I have never felt more out of place.

The room surrounding me is familiar, probably more recognizable to me than anyone else. I know how the chairs begin to feel like concrete after sitting on them for hours while doing homework, but at the same time, I sleep here better than anywhere else. I can perfectly imagine the sun glinting through the stained glass, lighting the room in a kaleidoscope of colour. And I know from experience the elation I feel when singing and dancing in the sanctuary, knowing with certainty that I am the only one in the entire building. I know this church better than anyone, so why does it feel like I am the outsider?

A shiver runs through my body, a reminder of the cold snow falling outside. All that comes through the stained glass today is shades of grey. Yet the room itself is warm and toasty, and my fellow believers in Christ look happy to be in the haven that is church. Even the clicking pen beside me seems to agree with the pastor's words. 

I want to stand up and shout, "Does no one else feel what I am feeling? Am I alone? You are supposed to be my family, my people! Why am I the only one shivering while you're all shedding your sweaters?" But I know this would be futile; I would be a voice yelling into the void.

Sighing in exhaustion, I sink deeper into my seat, resting my head against the blue cushion. Perhaps things won't feel so dark once I am left alone in a sanctuary meant to be filled with people. As my eyes are sliding shut, a flicker of light across the room catches my attention. It isn't significant, but a shimmer of sunlight is filtering through the stained-glass windows. There is no full kaleidoscope, but a small rainbow of colour dances through the air. Warmth blooms in my frosty heart, and goosebumps sink back into my skin. Perhaps it isn't so cold in here after all. After all, spring is just around the corner.

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hey hey hey! little different of a post, but GUESS WHAT. what i just shared above is my first assignment for my CREATIVE WRITING CLASS at my NEW UNIVERSITY 🤩🤩🤩 guys i'm literally so excited you have no idea. reading the textbook and doing the work feels like stuff i would do in my free time to develop my writer's craft, and now i'm getting to do it for school???? someone pinch me.

so anywho i thought i would share! i'm actually going kind of crazy not posting and interacting with you guys, i miss it 😭 but i really gotta lock in to school, i want fantastic grades this semester 💪🏼

i love you all so very much and i hope you're all having a great start to your new year!!! i suspect it won't be long until i'm back... ;)

much love,
cara 💋

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