“I THINK I will just continue capturing him from a far  ‘till the end. If he really meant to be with me, or if he really destined to be mine, he will. Kung kami, kami talaga, kung hindi, mananatili paring siya lang ang pipiliin ko hanggang dulo. Hanggang sa huling hininga ko, hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang hininga ko dito sa mundong ibabaw.”

“IN LOVING MEMORY
OF
Clarke Daniel Resol

Born in: November 16, 1987
Died on: April 11, 2023”

Napapahid ako ng aking pisnge dahil sa mga luhang tumutulo galing sa aking mga magang mata. When i read again the name engraved on the grave i am seeing, i cried harder.  I clearly remembered what he said before he passed away.

"Mommy, why are you crying? Diba you said na if magdalaw tayo dito kay pretty tita we won’t be sad nor cry na? Sabi mo sakin ‘yon e, so why are you crying?" inosenteng saad ng batang nasa harap ko ngayon habang pinupunasan ang mga luha sa aking pisnge.

"I just remembered what your pretty tita said before... before he pa—" naputol ang aking sasabihin dahil sa dalawang brasong pumulupot sa aking bewang. The usual scent he was wearing, kahit hindi na ako mag abalang tingnan kung sino iyon ay alam ko na kung sino.

"Mahal..." hinalik halikan ako nito sa likod ng aking leeg bago magsalita muli. "Stop thinking and crying because of him, i know how much you love him when he’s still with you, with us. Pero mahal, hindi siya mananahimik sa taas kung pagtuloy natin siyang gugulohin sa isip natin. He’s probably happy there, i know, i know he’s happy for him, for you, and for all the people he loves. That’s him, you know what’s his attitude after all." mas lalo akong napaluha dahil sa sinabi nito.

"I know he’s happy, ang unfair lang kase tangina. Bakit siya pa ‘yong nawala, siya na nga ‘yong nawalan tapos nawala pa siya." inalo ako nito hanggang sa malabas ko lahat ng sama ng loob sa aking dibdib.

Tama si Lead, hindi magiging tahimik si Clarke sa taas hanggang ginugulo ko siya dito. Masama parin ang loob ko sa mag asawa, sinira nila si Clarke, sinira nila ang buhay ng best friend ko. Nawala ang kaibigan ko dahil sa kanila, Clarke tried his very best to save Aaron, but here’s Aaron, saving his girl. Natural lang naman iyon dahil asawa niya ang babae at hindi niya alam na gagawin iyon ni Clarke, but fuck him for not doing anything nang mag50/50 si Clarke. He’s already healed that time!

Nakakatangina lang kase si Clarke na nga ‘yong agrabyado tapos siya pa ‘yong kinuha ng nasa itaas, siya pa ang pumanaw, siya pa ang nawala.

"I know pretty tita is very a good person Mommy. So i know na tatanggapin siya ni San Pedro doon sa itaas at sasamahan pa siya ni Jesus." my baby politely said as he smiled cutely. He really looks like Clarke, gosh!

Nang matapos kaming magpaalam kay Clarke ay napagpasyahan na naming umalis. Masayang nagkukwento sa akin si Right na siyang anak ko sa mga bagay-bagay at sa kung ano mang nangyare sa araw niya ngayon. Marami din siyang tanong tungkol sa pretty tita niya which is si Clarke na siyang ang iba ay hindi ko kayang sagotin.

Nakarating kami sa labas ng sementaryo, akmang papasok na kami sa kotse ni Lead ng makita ko ang isang nagtatawanang pamilya na pababa ng kotse nila. The family that i hate the most. The family which ruined my best friend’s life. I hate them to the core.

Nang makita nila kami ay agad na ngumiti ang babae na siyang inirapan ko lamang.

"You really and still hates us huh. Clarke will only loath you if you touch Aaron you already knew that Laureen."

"Akala mo ba magagawa ko pang hawakan ang taong sumira sa buhay ng kaibigan ko? Ang taong walang ibang ginawa kundi ang saktan siya? As if, gumuho man ang mundo ikaw ang kahuli hulihang tao na hahawakan ko." may diin, may poot na saad ko sa harap nila.

"Too bitter Laureen—"

"The audacity na dalawin siya Aaron? I thought you don’t care about him? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam na siya ang pakay niyo dito?"

"You’re always assuming things Laureen, my Dad—"

"Stop using excuses dumbass, as if naman maniniwala ako sa sinungaling na kagaya mo. Mamamatay tao!"

Tinalikuran ko ang dalawa bago inakay ang aking asawa’t anak paalis sa lugar na iyon. Clarke doesn’t deserve him, Clarke deserves peace kung saan alam kung nakuha niya na. The peace he need, indeed.

Clarke Daniel Resol or also known as CD. He’s a good person, an achiever not only in academic but also in everything he wants to achieve. A good doctor. Especially, a better son for his family. He doesn’t deserve all the things he been through.

***

As i look at his name engrave on the tombstone, my eyes immediately watered. I didn’t expect him to took the bullet from me. I didn’t expect na gagawin niya ‘yon knowing how much he hated me. I know that he’s a better person that did not deserve my wrath.

"I am really sorry for all of what i’ve done to you Clarke, i know even how much i apologize, all the pain i cause to you won’t be healed. But still, kahit na huli na, kahit na alam kung hindi mo na ako mapapatawad gusto ko paring hilingin na sana ay mapatawad mo ako sa lahat ng kasalanang nagawa ko sayo. You are worth it Clarke, i am really a jerk for hurting you."

My wife hug me from behind when he saw me sobbing.

"Clarke already forgave you hon, i know, i know because he’s a great person. He won’t hold a grudge to you, that’s him."

I am really thankful that you came into my life even in a short period of time Clarke, and at the same time i felt sorry because of my short comings to you.

You will always have a place here in my heart, you will always be my first love, you will always be the best partner i ever had.

I will always loved you, i will always captured you from a far, even how far you are.