♥║ twelve ║♥

tae 🐘💕: can't wait for the dance tomorrow, valentine ;)

That's what the text says on Jungkook's lockscreen as his mom shows him his phone. He can already feel the room getting hotter, smaller, compressing him, suffocating him. He drops the plates accidentally, the bottom one shattering when it hits the floor.

His mom jumps up, startled. Mina walks downstairs at that time, his mother telling her to stay where she is so she doesn't step on any glass.

Jungkook can't breathe. He can try telling his mother that Tae is a girl, but he can't lie for shit and his mom sees through him easily. He needs to leave, that's what he needs to do. He tries to get his feet to move, but they're glued to their spot on the floor while his mother sweeps up the glass from around him, softly telling him to step back so he doesn't hurt his feet.

He wants to run. He doesn't think he's ever been this scared in his life, apart from when he got a call from the hospital saying his father had passed.

Before he can snap himself out of his stupor to run, his mom's hand is on his arm. "Jungkook, are you okay? What's going on, honey?"

His vision is blurry with tears, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"Mina, darling, go back to your room, okay? Dinner will be a little later tonight."

He sees Mina out the corner of his eye look at him worriedly, but she obeys and trots back up the the stairs.

"Let's go sit down," his mother says softly, and it kills him—it kills him to hear her so gentle because he knows he's about to crush her. He knows he'll never hear her speak to him that way again.

She leads him to the couch in the living room, nudging him to sit. He does so because he can't do anything else, his mind in a panic and his body in shock. The second his butt touches the cushion, his tears fall harder and he chokes on a sob. He leans forward, his body shaking, whether from anxiety or his crying he isn't sure.

"Hey, hey, Jungkook, calm down." His mom is rubbing his back, running her fingers through his hair. "What's going on with you?"

He can't breathe because he's crying so hard.

"Jungkook," his mother whispers, taking his face in her hands. "Breathe, honey. Calm down, okay?"

He squeezes his eyes shut, unable to meet her eyes. "I-I-I'm so s-sorry," is all he manages to get out.

"Sorry for what?" she asks with a quiet laugh, brushing his hair off his forehead, rubbing her thumbs under his eyes.

He really doesn't want to tell her.

He loves his mother so much. He loves how she's comforting him right now, like she always does when he cries, the rare occasion he does in front of her. He doesn't want to lose this. He doesn't want to lose her.

She doesn't push him to speak while he tries to catch his breath, tries to stop his tears. She keeps whispering comforting things to him, stroking his face and holding him close. He's so damn terrified. How the hell did Taehyung do this?

Maybe it's easier if it's your choice when you do it.

"Jungkook," his mom says when he's finally calming down. "You know I love you with all of my heart, right?"

"You won't anymore," he says, his voice cracking mid-sentence, his tears threatening to start all over again.

"Oh, you can't possibly believe anything would make me stop loving you," she says, as if he's truly lost his mind. She cups his cheeks again, his eyes still watery when they dreadfully meet hers. She stares at him with a hint of sadness, but a small smile makes its way onto her face. "I think I know what's going on. Jungkook..." She takes a deep breath. "Is Tae a boy?"

The way she acts as if she's bracing herself has him squeezing his eyes shut, his heart in pain as tears continue to slide down his cheeks.

"Oh, honey," she whispers, pulling his head down to her chest where her heart is beating rapidly. He clings onto her like a child would, too scared to move away from her. "It's okay, Jungkook."

He manages to peek up at her, unsure if he's heard her right. "W-what?"

She smiles down at him, wiping his tears yet again. "It's okay."

"But," he starts, his bottom lip still trembling, "I-I thought you would hate me. I was so scared and—"

"Jungkook, I could never hate you," she says tenderly. "I'll admit, it isn't what I planned or wanted for you, but I'm not supposed to plan your life for you, anyways. I just want to know that you're happy. If... if a boy is what makes you happy, then so be it."

He can't really believe what he's hearing. He almost feels like it's some sort of twisted prank, or maybe he's dreaming.

"You... I thought you would disown me," he admits sheepishly, looking down to his lap though his arms remain around his mother.

She clicks her tongue. "Do you really think so lowly of me?"

His eyes widen. "N-no, that's not what I meant at all!"

She smiles. "I know." She rubs his shoulders, then pinches his chin between her forefinger and thumb. "You know, I'm going to have to meet him now. I need to see for myself that he makes you happy, okay?"

Jungkook smiles shyly, sniffling as he lays his head back on his mother's chest, closing his eyes peacefully and with relief. "I don't know when that will happen, eomma. Are you sure... are you sure you're okay with this? With me?"

She sighs. "To be honest, I don't know how I feel right now, Jungkook. Surprised, I suppose. Maybe a little confused. But if you're okay with you, then I will learn to be too." 

༺༒༻

Jungkook doesn't answer Tae's texts or phonecalls that night. He isn't sure why. He thought he would be happy when his mother eventually found out, and he is, but for some reason... He feels wrong. Dirty. Guilty. He's gone over his mother's words more times than he can count now, overanalyzing them to the point of making himself feel empty inside.

He shouldn't be doing that. His mother didn't say anything to make him feel like that. He just can't stop decoding what she said, as if all of it had only been spoken to mask her disgust towards him. He doesn't know why she would hide it, but this is how he's thinking.

He lays on his side, watching his phone light up again and again. He knows he's worrying Taehyung. He hates himself for that too, but he just can't muster the strength to text back or answer his calls. He should flip his phone over so he can't see it; he doesn't. Watching it blink on and off feels like a punishment somehow. He can't explain it. He should be punished.

He holds his pillow tight, shoving his face into it. He tries to close his eyes, tries to block out his thoughts, but all he can see and think about is his phone lighting up the rest of the night.

༺༒༻

tae 🐘💕: did something happen again?

this is like my 30th text to you

you never ignore me for this long, not even when you blocked me

is it because of the dance?

if you're feeling that bad, i understand

i wish you trusted me more, i guess

i care about you

i want to make sure you know that, okay?

jungkook please reply

you can even tell me to shut up i don't care

just say something

Jungkook continues reading Tae's long, long list of messages, his chest feeling tight. He really doesn't deserve Tae. He doesn't know why he ever thought he did. He can't keep toying with him, knowing he'll probably never have the courage to see him face to face. He's only making Tae miserable, he knows it.

jungkook: maybe you should delete my number

Instead of texting back, Taehyung immediately responds by calling him. Jungkook closes his eyes while simultaneously denying it. He tells himself this is for the best. He's thinking about Taehyung's happiness, and he could never give the older boy that. Tae deserves better.

tae 🐘💕: jungkook, if this is a joke it isn't funny

i'm really worried

if you just talk to me then i can help

or i can promise that i'll try

stop scaring me like this

Jungkook clenches his jaw, going into his contact settings. His finger hovers over "delete contact" option, but Taehyung would only keep texting and calling. His hands shake as he holds his phone, an unsteady breath leaving his lips.

tae 🐘💕: if you're hurting, i really want to be there for you

you can't just ignore me and act like i don't exist

ignoring me at school is fine, but you can't keep ignoring my texts

god, do you not understand how scared i really am?

There it is.

Jungkook is crying again.

God, does he always have to be such a baby?

He furiously wipes at his eyes, loathing himself for being so sensitive, so awkward, so anxious. Loathing himself simply for being himself.

He reminds himself again that this is for Taehyung's sake. He can't keep being so selfish with Taehyung's time only to waste it.

tae 🐘💕: your friend is jimin, right?

i swear i'll ask him for your address if you don't answer me

jungkook please

He steals his nerve and enters his settings again, not allowing himself to think any longer on the decision.

Would you like to block this number?

[✓] Yes [] No