♥║ thirty-four ║♥

It's nerve-wracking how unmoving Jungkook really is, laying on his side in the bed, not bothering with a blanket. He'd been that way since he got home, about six hours ago, and when his mother called for dinner, he lay still, staring at his closed curtains. She's come in twice now, even called out of work to stay home. She's nervous; rightfully so. He hasn't had an episode in over two years now.

His last one left him in bed for a week, but he feels this time may be worse. His bones physically ache, his mind practically blank. He hadn't felt this bad last time. This time, he feels truly trapped.

He isn't sure why.

He hears his door creak open again, weight dipping down his mattress as someone sits. Soft fingers thread through his hair, and then his mother's gentle voice says, "Jungkook, don't let it get the better of you again. Please."

Her voice cracks.

So does his heart.

And yet, he can't bring himself to reply or even move the slightest inch.

She inhales a shaky breath, pressing a kiss to his temple. "Maybe Taehyung can get you to respond."

As soon as she leaves, Taehyung is the one who enters next. Instead of sitting behind him on the bed, like his mother had, he goes in front of Jungkook, kneeling so he's eye-level with the younger. His eye is more discolored now, more obvious that it was a fight and not an accident. That makes Jungkook feel even more unresponsive.

Taehyung stares at him, as if he's searching for a sign of life that isn't there.

"Jungkook," he whispers when he's defeated, his shoulders slouching. "What happened?"

His voice is so soft, so worried, that Jungkook wants to desperately open his mouth and tell him. He wants to tell Taehyung every last thing wrong with him in hopes that the elder can help him pull out of this mess. He doesn't want to be like this. He hates it.

He hates himself.

Jungkook manages to move his eyes away from Taehyung's face, but other than that his body is frozen. Not frozen—stuck.

Taehyung resorts to sitting, crossing his legs. "I'm not leaving until I get you to at least talk to me. Even if you curse me out and tell me to leave."

Jungkook remains still as stone.

"Jungkook-ah," Taehyung murmurs, sadness in his tone. "I don't like seeing you this way. This isn't you."

Jungkook wishes he could say he doesn't like being this way either.

Taehyung hesitates a moment, lifting his hand then pausing. He gingerly rests his palm on Jungkook's cheek, his thumb stroking across the younger's cheekbone.

Inside, Jungkook is melting.

Outside, Jungkook doesn't so much as breathe heavier.

He persists, stoic as ever.

"Jungkook..." Taehyung's eyes glisten, borderline tearing up but not quite.

Taehyung's hand falls to his lap, along with a huff from his lips. He gets to his feet, and Jungkook thinks he's leaving, but then there's a hard drop on the mattress. Taehyung grabs Jungkook shoulder, flipping him over onto his back. He throws one of his legs over Jungkook's hip, straddling him as he lifts both Jungkook's arms, beginning to do dance movements with them.

"Seollena me likey, me likey likey likey, me likey likey likey, dugeundegeundegeun, heart heart!"

Jungkook's limbs let Taehyung do whatever he wants, and his expression doesn't change, as empty as ever.

Taehyung pouts, dropping Jungkook's wrists. "Not even a smile for Twice?"

The elder purses his lips, not moving from Jungkook's lap as he ponders what to do. Jungkook is staring up at the ceiling, his chest getting tighter with every moment that passes. It feels like it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

Another moment of reluctance, then Taehyung is leaning down, his breath hot on Jungkook's skin. A soft kiss is pressed to the younger's neck, then another on a spot below the first, continuing to trail down to his collarbone.

Under a normal circumstance, Jungkook would be a blushing, flustered mess.

However, his eyes don't waver from white ceiling above him.

Realizing arousal won't work either, Taehyung groans, sitting straight. "I want to see you blushing again," he says, sounding distressed. "I want to hear you stuttering, and I want you to be laughing. Jungkooooooook..."

He's able to lower his gaze to meet Taehyung's but that's it. He doesn't have any control over his facial muscles.

Taehyung's eyes are so sincere, it only increases the pain Jungkook is feeling.

"Do I need to physically drag you out of bed?" he asks, quirking a brow. "Because we can arrange that."

When Jungkook stares blankly back at him, Taehyung claps his hands together and climbs off Jungkook, simultaneously grabbing his wrists again.

Then he literally tugs him, his body already halfway off the mattress.

"You better come to your senses or I'll let you fall."

Jungkook still doesn't move.

"A bruised ass it is, then."

Jungkook hits the floor. It isn't very hard, since Taehyung tried to carefully lower him instead of purposefully letting him drop like he threatened. Taehyung puffs out an annoyed breath, putting his hands on his hips when he sees Jungkook completely unbothered.

"Fine. What if..." He bites his lip, looking around the room. He spots Jungkook's camera on the younger's desk. "What if I finally get to see your pictures?"

Jungkook lazily follows him with his eyes, but inside he's screaming. He wants to yell at Taehyung to not touch it, to not look through it. This will be the last straw for Taehyung, he's sure. Taehyung will run out disturbed.

"Don't make me a snoop," Taehyung pouts. "Yell at me to put it down."

Jungkook's lips stay pressed together.

"Okay, well..." Taehyung turns the camera on, seeming reluctant as he flips open the screen for the camera roll. It's clear he doesn't want to go through Jungkook's business, but he's trying to get a reaction out of the kid. He's desperate.

Taehyung purses his lips as he looks down at the screen, feeling wrong for doing this, but he swears Jungkook's fingers twitched. He would rather be screamed at than blatantly ignored.

The first picture is one of an oak tree, a sunlight beam streaking through the leaves. The next few are from various clubs around school, undoubtedly for the yearbook. Then Taehyung reaches pictures from the gym, girls swirling hula-hoops around their hips, boys practicing for their basketball game. Then—

Taehyung gets to a picture of himself, no one else in frame. He has no idea when it was taken. It's outside, Taehyung laughing at something one of the boys surely said. Taehyung doesn't even remember seeing Jungkook lift his camera.

Another picture of just Taehyung from behind as he walks through the school's courtyard, the side of his face barely visible with the shadow. It's an incredibly artsy shot, the sun reflecting perfectly against his figure. It looks like a professional shoot, and again... he has no idea when it was taken.

There are more of just Taehyung. Plenty more. All flattering shots, so beautiful Taehyung swears it's a real model and a professional photographer to be held accountable. Taehyung is in awe and surprise. Is this how Jungkook sees him? A captivating piece of art worthy of so much attention? So much impeccable detail?

Startling him, Jungkook's hand comes into view, lowering the camera from Taehyung's view before gently taking it away from him. Taehyung looks up at him, surprised at how close he really is. There's still no emotion in his features, but his stare is so intense that Taehyung finds himself swallowing a lump in his throat. Should he apologize? He should, but his throat is dry.

Jungkook sets the camera back in its spot, then turns to walk back to his bed. Taehyung grabs his wrist out of instinct. To keep him from getting back in bed and to ask him a genuine question.

"Is that... is that how you see me?" he asks softly, staring at Jungkook with wide eyes.

The younger lowers his face, but Taehyung sees him faintly nod.

Taehyung tugs him closer, wrapping his arms around Jungkook's waist so he can't slip away. "Let's go do something, okay? To get your mind away for a little bit. The last thing you need to do is lay in bed."

Jungkook stares at him, still emotionless.

"I feel like I'm talking to a zombie," Taehyung says with a frown. "By the end of the night, I swear I'll have you smiling. You want to bet on it?"

When Jungkook still doesn't move, Taehyung's frown deepens.

"Come on, Kookie." He sighs, lacing his fingers through the younger's. Jungkook doesn't respond in the slightest, his fingers staying straight.

Taehyung actually has to pull him out of the room, Jungkook's feet not wanting to cooperate. He stops in front of the kitchen, where Jungkook's mother stands at the sink, finding dishes to wash when there aren't any.

"I'm going to take him out for a little bit, is that all right?" he asks politely.

She gives him a sad smile, nodding once. "Bring my son back."

The meaning in that simple phrase is much deeper, Taehyung understands.

Taehyung offers a bittersweet smile in reply. "I'll try."

***

Jungkook snaps back to reality if only to render his confusion.

Taehyung looks over at him, wiggling his eyebrows.

Jungkook pauses a moment, his mouth opening and closing before he finally manages to get out, "Turtles?"

Taehyung grins. "It's a turtle obstacle course, obviously. See the slope? Once I watched a turtle get stuck halfway up and he slid back down before giving up completely. The turn at the end takes the longest. You'd think turtles weighed millions trying to maneuver themselves at an angle."

Jungkook looks over at him, the emptiness lingering inside of him, but as of now his utter bewilderment has taken over. "So... why?"

"Why are we here?" Taehyung shrugs, folding his arms across his chest as he looks back down at the slow animals. "I figured taking you somewhere common wouldn't be exciting enough. You wouldn't care about ice cream, or a movie, or any of that. So what's one thing you wouldn't expect? Watching turtles do an obstacle course in a pet store that closes in twenty minutes."

Jungkook falls quiet, not having any words, really.

Taehyung leans over to him. "My bet is on Slippy there. He's the one who gave up halfway, but I really admire the lazy aura he gives off."

"How... how many times have you come here?"

"I used to come a lot, not gonna lie. When I would be upset. I don't know, something about watching turtles is as relaxing as it is sleep-inducing. And I got a fish here once who lived for four years, so I consider these animals quite magical."

Jungkook watches a turtle get stuck halfway through the plastic circle planted before the mini pond. The urge to reach out and help the poor thing twitches his fingers.

Jungkook takes a moment to look around at the rest of the store. It's mostly reptiles, amphibians, and fish. There's another couple talking about which lizard they should get, the cashier at the front dozing off, and a stockman leaning against a snake tank on his phone. No one seems to find it odd that two boys are watching five turtles wander hopelessly around their exhibit.

"So," Taehyung starts, keeping his eyes on the turtles. "Is it working?"

"Is what working?"

"The distraction, duh."

Jungkook finds himself nodding. "A little, yeah."

Taehyung glances over at him. "Does that mean you'd be willing to talk to me, then?"

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Jungkook shrugs. "Nothing to say."

"Bullshit." Taehyung turns now, facing him fully. "You expect me to believe the people saying you had a mental break and snapped on Choi for no reason?"

Jungkook clenches his jaw. "You should believe that. It's true."

Taehyung shakes his head. "No, it isn't."

"You weren't there."

"I know you, Jungkook." Taehyung jabs a finger into Jungkook's chest. "I know how ridiculous that sounds."

"You don't know me," Jungkook grumbles, unable to stand the eye contact any longer as he averts his gaze. "You don't."

Taehyung stares at him with disbelief, a bit of hurt, and pure concern flooding his features. He grabs Jungkook's hand again, leading both of them out of the pet store. He instructs Jungkook to get in the car before Taehyung follows suit, slamming the door shut. Taehyung doesn't turn the car on, however, and instead shifts in the seat to face him.

"What do I not know that I need to?" he asks. "I saw what you did to Choi's face, Jungkook, and that's not... that's not you. I won't believe that."

Jungkook glares out the window despite the vehicle not moving. "What if it is?"

Taehyung scoffs. "What are you on about? Of course it isn't."

The younger goes silent, his teeth gritting together so hard his jaws begin to ache. He doesn't want this conversation to come up. He's never wanted to think about it again, much less speak it aloud. It's bad enough the nightmares keep coming, the trauma won't leave. He doesn't want Taehyung to know about any of it. Taehyung doesn't deserve that sort of burden.

"You might be used to people letting you go on like this," Taehyung says, "but that's certainly not how it's going to go with me. I'm not going to accept that you just won't listen, that you'll just stay in bed for however long. It hurts, Jungkook. It hurts everyone around you."

"Stop," Jungkook mutters through his teeth, his fist tightening around the seatbelt at his waist while the other holds his chin up against the window.

Taehyung is quiet long enough to notice the reaction, his tone softening when he speaks again. "If you don't trust me enough to tell me, then fine. But at least let me try to help."

"I do trust you," Jungkook snaps, unintentionally. He really has no fucking idea why he's acting this way. It's out of his control.

Taehyung, taken aback, blinks at him. "Prove it, then. Because whoever this person is, I don't want. I want my Jungkook back."

Jungkook snarls, his gaze unwavering from outside.

Taehyung waits another moment or two, then clicks his tongue. "Right. Fine. I'm not going to force you to tell me if you're truly that uncomfortable with it," he says honestly, though the disappointment practically drips off his voice.

Taehyung puts his seatbelt on, starting the car. Jungkook watches the trees blur past as Taehyung heads back to his house, quiet as a mouse. He's biting his bottom lip, but other than that, there are no signs of his aggravation. Albeit Jungkook knows that Taehyung genuinely means he doesn't want to pry, the younger still feels guilty. He's acting completely different, and Taehyung doesn't have a clue as to why.

Jungkook doesn't know what stirred this particular episode. Maybe the fight with Choi. However, he knows his past underlies in why he is the way that he is. He knows his past is what puts him in these insufferable moods where his personality totally shifts.

Taehyung pulls into his driveway, turning the car off. He unbuckles his seat belt, getting his keys as he goes to open the car door—

Jungkook catches his wrist.

Taehyung pauses, settling back in his seat as he looks at the younger, a new hope glimmering in his gaze.

Jungkook can't manage to hold his stare. "I trust you," he whispers. "I trust you with every fiber of my being."

Taehyung's hand falls to rest on top of Jungkook's, gently pulling it away from his wrist. He doesn't speak; he just holds Jungkook's hand.

"I'm scared, hyung," Jungkook says, voice cracking mid-sentence. "O-of this. Of... me."

"Jungkook..."

Jungkook bites his lip and keeps his eyes lowered. "I don't know how to explain it. It's just... it's just these mood swings that last for a while and I-I don't know how to stop them."

"What you did to Choi wasn't just a mood swing," Taehyung says gently. "What did he say to you?"

Jungkook shakes his head. "Just stupid harassment that I gave into."

"Because of me, right?" Taehyung is the one looking away now, shame on his face. "Because I have the whole school talking."

"No," Jungkook argues. "It's because of them. They're just ignorant, hyung. It isn't you telling them to gossip."

"But I gave them a reason to." Taehyung smiles sadly. "If I never went to school, you wouldn't be in this mood right now."

Jungkook stares at him. "You can't blame yourself like that. I'm this way because... because..." He trails off, leaning back in the seat, simultaneously letting his hand slip away from Taehyung's. "Because of my dad."

Taehyung frowns. "So, it's not just about Choi or being gay, is it?"

"No, it's not."

"I know it's easier said than done, but don't dwell in the past, Jungkookie. Whatever he did to you, he can't do it anymore." Taehyung cups his cheek, their eyes meeting. "You can let him go, you know."

Bringing up his father is causing tension to rise in his body, anxiety starting to pump through his veins. Jungkook blinks quickly, turning his face away from Taehyung. "I-I can't," he stammers. "He w-won't let go of me."

"Okay, okay, we don't have to talk about it, yeah? The fact that you're engaging now is enough for me. Let's go inside, okay?"

Jungkook nods, too rapidly, his heart pounding. Taehyung takes a moment to stroke his cheek, telling him it's okay and to forget it was ever brought up. It helps to calm Jungkook down, reminding himself that he won't walk inside to shouting. That the man he fears will no longer be sitting in the living room, awaiting his arrival.

After all, it's been a few years now. Jungkook needs to stop letting it affect him so much after so long. But he can't stop it no matter how hard he tries.

Freedom always seems too far away.