(hii.. i know y'all are probably sick of apologies, and there might not even be anyone reading at this point, but i am genuinely sorry it's taken so long! my life has been pretty crazy.. i had an aunt pass away, i was in school, going to work, my sister-in-law went into the hospital, and yeah... a lot of shit has happened. but LOOK! i'm gonna post two chapters to hopefully redeem myself!

i know i promised i'd be back for sure last time and i lied (oops), so this time i'll only promise that i'll try my hardest to keep updates coming for you guys. if you've stuck around, thank you. it really means a lot <3)

      ♥║ fifty-three ║♥     

The anxiety that crushes Jungkook is instant as he hurries back into the gym building, bleary eyes searching for Jimin amongst the crowd. His chest is so tight, his fingers numb, his legs shaking. He doesn't want to think about what just happened, but that's all that plays through his mind--a never ending loop of Taehyung saying he didn't want Jungkook.

Not like this.

He doesn't know why it hurts so bad. He himself had thought of breaking it off for Taehyung's sake, especially after his first session back in therapy weeks ago. He remembers yesterday, Ms. Lin asking gently if he still felt the same. Of course he did. Taehyung deserved so much better than him, particularly when he goes off to college where better people await. He thought about breaking it off; he was going too.

So why does agony course through him as Taehyung's words repeat over and over?

He stumbles through people, catching wide-eyed stares as people notice his tear-streaked cheeks and rapid breaths. He doesn't realize so many people are gawking until he finally spots Jimin, a shaky breath fleeing his lips. He nearly collapses into the shorter boy's arms, clutching his tux sleeves as if they're the only thing keeping him on his feet.

"Jungkook, what happened?" Jimin asks immediately, his hand leaving Yoongi's to grab the boy's shoulder.

"Where's Tae?" Yoongi practically demands, taking a step forward.

"O-out front," Jungkook stammers. He blinks at Jimin, the lump in his throat swelling and his tears fall faster. "T-take me h-home p-please."

Yoongi is about to go after Taehyung, and Jimin is on the verge of replying when Jungkook loses the strength in his legs completely. The anxiety attack slams into him, leaving him on his knees on the floor, people jumping out of the way as if he's diseased. Jungkook clutches his chest, black dots beginning to speckle his vision the less oxygen he's able to take in. Jimin is crouching, saying something, but Jungkook can't hear anything other than the ringing in his ears and pounding in his head.

He does catch sight of Yoongi shouting at someone--if not everyone--holding his arms up as if to cover their view. Yoongi helps Jimin lift the youngest boy, a teacher that had previously been supervising from the back wall rushing over to help. Jungkook does his best to move his feet, but truth be told, he isn't quite aware of what he's doing.

The double doors are thrown open and the cool air hits his face, easing his nerves slightly. He tries to focus on his breathing, then remembers no one had found Taehyung. He weakly tries to look around, breathlessly piecing together, "Go... find... him."

Fuck his anxiety, taking attention away from the boy who really matters. Yoongi should've left Jungkook with Jimin, should've let the crowd look all they wanted. What if Taehyung is driving? What if he's having thoughts as before and ends up in the hospital again? What if he's in just as much pain and no one is there for him?

"Go," Jungkook nearly growls with this last thought, the images rolling through his mind terrifying him.

He tries to push Yoongi away, but the elder grips his upper arm and says lowly in his ear, "I don't know what happened between you two, but Taehyung would want me to make sure you're safe. I'll find my best friend, but I'm taking care of you first."

Jungkook wishes he could reply, wishes he could act upon the frantic rage coursing through him. The idea of Taehyung being alone and potentially doing something rash makes his anxiety worse, and soon enough he can't breath all over again. His body is aching at this point, his chest pushing in on itself as if there were a hundred pound weight on it. His eyes burn and his thoughts continue to scare him and dammit, why did he walk off in the first place?

His mother's car reflects the moonlight in the corner of his eye, striking realization in him as he scrambles in his pockets for the keys. Taehyung has a knack for losing things, especially car keys, so he's always the holder of all things when the two are together. He holds the keys out, the metal rattling together as his eyes continue to tremble.

Jimin takes them. "Let's not tell your mom I don't have my license yet."

He opens the passenger door, helping Jungkook sit. Yoongi grabs Jimin's shoulder, eyes stern. "Be careful, please."

"Hey," Jimin retorts, slightly offended. "I have a permit."

Yoongi rolls his eyes, but sighs when Jimin presses a kiss to his cheek. "I'll go get the rest of the group and find Tae. Get him home safe."

Jungkook's eyes are already rolling when Jimin backs out, muttering an "oops" when he hits the brakes too hard. He feels so exhausted, the anxiety filling his stomach still making him nauseous. He swallows frequently, trying to keep the sick feeling subdued as he scrunches his face, pinches his eyes shut. He grips the seatbelt, relishing in the frigid AC blowing full blast.

Jimin doesn't speak to him, knowing Jungkook needs to relax before he can talk about anything that's happened. Instead, he lets Jungkook close his eyes, lets him cry silently to himself as sleep begins to creep up on him.

When he wakes up, it's light outside and his mom is quietly entering the room with a plate of breakfast--scrambled eggs, two pieces of toast, and four slices of crispy bacon. He sits up, knowing he should smile at her but he can't quite manage, albeit she offers him one as she sets the food on his nightstand. He ruffles his hair, his body feeling strangely empty after the wave of emotions he felt the night prior.

"Hi, honey," she says softly, as if she's afraid to speak too loudly or she could set him off crying again. "Did you sleep well?"

He frowns, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Noon," she murmurs, sitting beside him and placing her hand atop his. "I didn't want to wake you..."

"Jimin filled you in, I take it," he mumbles, his chest tightening as he recalls the events of last night.

"Yeah," she whispers, squeezing his hand. "He called this morning, too. Wanted you to know that Yoongi spent the night with Taehyung and that he's okay."

Jungkook closes his eyes, exhaling through his nose.

At least one of us is.

He can feel the depression creeping into his veins, taking place of the blood that should be there. He can feel the dread wearing on his bones, making him want to curl back up in bed and go to sleep. As of now, the idea of Taehyung not coming over in a few hours doesn't feel real. Maybe it never will.

"Honey," his mom says gently. "You can call him, you know."

He blinks at his mom as if she's lost her mind. "I-I can't bother him. It was his choice."

"His choice because of your actions. You were upset and it provoked the argument. It's only over officially if you don't try."

He clenches his jaw. "What if... what if he doesn't want me to try?"

"How do you know he doesn't?"

He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. His mom rubs his back and says, "I'm just saying. You two have been through far too much for something so silly to ruin it."

She kisses his temple and leaves him with his thoughts. He glances over at his phone, hesitantly reaching for it. His fingers grip the cool metal and he slowly unlocks it.

He stares at Taehyung's contact for a solid two minutes, thoughts racing through his head.

Fuck it, he thinks, hitting dial.

He holds his breath as he listens to it ring, fighting the urge to immediately hang up. It keeps ringing, and ringing, and ringing until--

"Hi," a quiet voice speaks over the phone, barely audible.

Why do Jungkook's eyes already begin to water?

"Hi," is all he can manage in reply.

"I'm...," Taehyung cuts himself off, rethinks. Settles for, "I'm glad you're okay."

"Me too. T-that you're okay, I mean..."

God, when had they ever been so awkward? Just after one little scene? Jungkook is terrified to think of how bad it could be if it were prolonged. They'd be back to strangers.

Taehyung finally sighs. "Jungkook, this is only going to make things--"

"I'm sorry," the younger blurts. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Tae. I-I know I haven't been myself and-and I know you deserve better but... I don't think I can do it."

Taehyung is quiet a long moment. "I'm just tired of seeing you like this."

Jungkook's heart might've cracked. He hangs his head in shame, despite Taehyung being unable to see.

"And..." Taehyung inhales a sharp breath. "I know you meant what you said last night. About being ashamed. And that's okay... It's a process, you know... But maybe a break is what you need--"

"I don't want a break," Jungkook interrupts. "I'm not ashamed of you, for fuck's sake Tae... I-I could never be ashamed of you. It's me. Obviously. It's always me."

"Jungkook..."

"I don't know how to stop. I don't like being this way either. It was so much easier as the invisible kid. You really think I'm enjoying this?"

"Of course not, but you're not exactly stopping. I mean, you've gone back to therapy and you still have a short temper. I can't be with you when you want to punch someone every ten minutes."

Jungkook feels his heart pick up pace. "So that's it?" he says through gritted teeth. "You're done with me after everything because I can't stop my anger? How can you not see that I hate myself for it and that I'm trying?"

"You scare me, Jungkook!" Taehyung shouts, both of them falling silent instantly afterwards. Much softer now, Taehyung repeats, "Because... you scare me, Jungkook."

Jungkook stands as if pacing the room will help the tsunami of anxiety rising inside him. "You... you think I would hurt you?" When Taehyung doesn't respond as quickly as Jungkook thinks he should, the younger asks with a tear rolling down his cheek, "Am I so monstrous now that you think I would physically harm you?"

"I..." Taehyung pauses, his voice all but a whisper, "I don't think you would on purpose."

Jungkook gapes like a fish out of water.

The tsunami is beginning to crash.

He's never hated himself more.

"Tae, I wouldn't... I would never..."

"Jungkook, calm down, okay? I know that isn't you, but... sometimes people can't control themselves when they're angry. I know it would be an accident, but that's why I think... I think a break is good."

"Tae--"

"Think about it more, okay? I... I want you to be positive."

Jungkook goes to argue that of course he's positive, of course he wants to be with Taehyung. But something stops him and he purses his lips.

"Okay," he mutters. "Bye, I guess."

"Jungkook, I don't--"

The younger hangs up.

He feels the same emptiness curling back into him, twisting in his stomach before the pressure evens and it's practical natural.

He sets his phone by his untouched food, screen face down, and crawls back into bed.

***

"I think I fucked up," Taehyung mumbles to Yoongi, sitting cross-legged on his bed while twiddling his fingers, three days after his call with Jungkook. The younger hasn't called back.

Yoongi spins casually in Taehyung's desk chair. "Yeah, maybe you did."

Taehyung glares at him. "You're not helping."

"I'm not here to tell you if you made the right decision or not," Yoongi responds defensively. "I'm only here to offer advice and support you, or whatever it is mushy best friends do."

"You said he's been at school?"

Yoongi nods. "Quiet like he used to be." A frown turns the elder's lips down, concern in his eyes. "He doesn't sit with us anymore, you know. Hardly picks his eyes up from the ground."

"Yeah, that makes me feel better."

Yoongi sighs. "I'm just saying, Tae. If you wanted something to trigger him to stop fighting, then I think you succeeded."

Taehyung swallows, feeling guilty. "I don't want him to be this emotionless drone moping around!"

"Then maybe you failed."

Taehyung groans, falling back onto his bed. It's silent for a moment before he whispers, "I miss him."

"Well duh, you moron. You're in love with him."

"Hyung, just tell me what to do."

"Nope. That's against my rules. You gotta figure it out yourself."

Taehyung pouts, sitting up to look at him. "You and Jimin were rocky at first. How did you do that?"

Yoongi shrugs, staring up at the ceiling. "He mainly did it, honestly. Pushing him away backfired, and I realized I actually liked his company. Shocking, right?" A small smile twitches at his lips. "You know that idiot calls me at two in the morning sometimes just to sing a song that's been stuck in his head?"

Taehyung chuckles, but the sound dies quickly. "Hyung... how would you handle it if you and Jimin broke up?"

Yoongi levels his stare with the younger boy, his eyes defiant and sure. "It isn't happening. But, if I found myself in a situation like yours, I would probably evaluate myself to see what I did wrong and fix it. There's no law that says you can't talk about why you're breaking up." He taps his chin with his finger. "If I were you--and this is just hypothetical, not advice at all--I would go to him first since he's been so disconnected."

Taehyung bites the inside of his cheek.

"Tae," Yoongi says softly. "I don't think Jungkook is doing great mentally. Half the time, it doesn't even look like he's aware of what's happening. I'm not telling you this to guilt-trip you back into being with him, but as his friend, you should talk to him. If you're not ready to be a couple, fine, but you were best friends first."

Taehyung sighs, knowing Yoongi makes a valid argument. Taehyung knows a break was needed, but did they have to stop being friends? He can't imagine not being there for Jungkook right now, even if he did cause such depression. But as Yoongi said, he can't be guilted into a relationship--that isn't healthy. He needs to approach Jungkook as his best friend, which is what he'll always be no matter what.

Taehyung glances at his phone. "I don't think he'd answer if I call."

"So don't."

Taehyung cuts him a curt look.

Yoongi smirks. "I'm a neutral party, remember?"

Shaking his head, Taehyung stands and tugs on his shoes. "Well, either you're riding with me, getting out of my house, or taking my bed. Which is it?"

Yoongi hums. "Let's see... parents were in the middle of a spat, you're about to go be all soft and sweet with the boy you're in love with..." He stands with an exaggerated groan, stretching before plopping onto Taehyung's mattress. "Your bed it is then."

"Don't drool on my pillow case again."

"I'll make sure to sleep with my mouth wide open."

"You're insufferable, Min Yoongi."

Yoongi folds his arms behind his head, eyes closed, a grin on his face. "This is a fact, and yet you still called me for someone to talk to."

Taehyung huffs, grabbing his jacket. "It's not my fault I have terrible judgement in best friends and loving them."

Yoongi only smirks in reply.

Taehyung shakes his head and leaves, closing his bedroom door behind him.