♥║ fifty-four ║♥    

When Taehyung walks up the steps to Jungkook's front door, his breath catches in his throat. He's suddenly nervous, afraid of what he'll see when he steps inside. Will Jungkook's mother hate him now? Will Mina? What if he isn't allowed inside at all anymore? What if Jungkook is locked in his room and won't open the door?

He's being ridiculous, overthinking too much. Jungkook's mother would never turn on him in such a way, unless he did something completely unforgivable. At least... he doesn't think she would.

He inhales sharply, forcing himself to knock before he loses his nerve. He hasn't knocked in months--Jungkook's mother is used to him coming over every day and typically has the door unlocked for his arrival.

The door creaks open, Jungkook's mother's head popping out to look. Her shoulders slouch and she opens the door wider, sighing heavily. Taehyung frowns at the dark circles under her eyes. "Taehyung," she says softly, kindly. "It's nice to see you."

He gives her a gentle smile. "Hi, Ms. Jeon. How are you?"

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I've been better. Come in, come in." He follows her inside as she says, "Jungkook is upstairs." She crosses her arms over her chest, looking frail and tired and sad. "Has been since... you know."

Guilt slams into Taehyung, but he pushes it to the back of his mind. He cannot be guilted into a relationship that's destined for disaster.

"I'm sorry," he finds himself blurting, looking to her helplessly.

She squeezes his shoulder, a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes on her lips. "Do not apologize for thinking of yourself, Taehyung. I know my son's behavior has been erratic. I can't blame you for your choices."

"I do still love him," he whispers. "A lot."

"Honey, you don't have to tell me. I already know." She nods upstairs. "Go on. If you're not here to get back together, maybe you can at least get him to eat some of the food I've left for him."

Taehyung swallows the lump in his throat, taking the stairs hesitantly. He reaches Jungkook's door, pondering if he should bother knocking. He decides against it, knowing the younger is in a state where he won't answer anyways. So he gently pushes open the door, dreading the sight he'll see.

As he pictured, Jungkook is curled into a ball in the middle of his bed, facing the window with his sheets tucked under his chin. His body is scarily still, an untouched bowl of ramen sitting on his night stand, a glass of water still filled. His heart clenches, his chest tight. He quietly enters the room, shutting the door behind him. Jungkook doesn't so much as flinch with the sound, remaining still as stone.

Taehyung, for once, isn't sure how to approach him.

And that realization is devastating.

He steals his nerve, sitting on the foot of his bed, turning to the side so he can cross his legs. "Jung-ssi," he murmurs softly, carefully reaching out a hand to place on the younger's shoulder.

He expected Jungkook to at least turn to face him, but no--the boy is unmoved.

Abruptly, Taehyung is blinking tears from his eyes, desperately trying again. "Jungkookie... Jungkook, please."

He slides off the bed, moving around to in front of the window to sit on the floor. He's surprised to find Jungkook's eyes wide open, staring straight back at him. Taehyung sniffs and folds his hands in his lap.

"Jungkook, I'm sorry. You deserve someone better and--"

"What are you doing here?"

Taehyung jumps slightly at the younger's sharp tone, his eyes now narrowed on the elder with a look Taehyung can't quite decipher.

"I'm here as your friend, Jungkook. Because you're hurting and won't talk to anyone."

Jungkook's eyes are unnervingly cold glaring into him. "I can't be your friend, Taehyung."

A tear rolls down Taehyung's cheek. "What are you talking about? Of course you can be."

"No," Jungkook says, firmer this time. "I can't."

"Why? Jungkook, I still care about you. It's not like I lost my feelings overnight or something."

Jungkook tightens his jaw, jerking upwards into a sitting position.

Taehyung stands. "I don't want to lose you completely."

Jungkook scoffs, rubbing his forehead.

"What?" Taehyung asks, raising an eyebrow. "You think I'm lying?"

Jungkook stares down at his sheets, almost angrily. "I can't be your friend," he grumbles, "when my heart aches from how much I love you."

Taehyung wipes his cheek, at a loss for words momentarily. "Jungkook--"

"Don't do this to me, Tae," the younger whispers, sounding more broken now than irate. Taehyung watches tears press out of Jungkook's eyes when he closes them. "Don't come here as a friend when you know I want more than that. It hurts just as badly as not seeing you at all."

"I'm worried about you, Jungkook," Taehyung says, yet again sitting on his bed, right in front of him. "I wanted you to manage your anger, not feel nothing at all."

Jungkook sniffs, averting his gaze. "I'm sorry I said I was ashamed for loving you. That was so stupid of me."

"It's okay, Jungkook. I understand..."

Jungkook turns to face him, his watery eyes piercing into Taehyung and briefly taking his breath away. "You're not here to get back together... are you?"

Taehyung, feeling ashamed now, looks to his lap. "No."

Jungkook purses his lips. "Then we're done here, I guess."

"Jungkook, please. You can't just shut everyone out now. You need to eat o-or drink something and--"

"Goodbye, Taehyung," he says, laying back down.

"Jungkook, stop!" Taehyung snaps, yanking the sheets off of him. "I'm sorry it has to be this way. God, I really am. You're not the only one hurting, you know? You're not the only one whose chest hurts just from how in love they are. But nothing else was getting through to you. Not your mom, not your therapist, not me... What was I supposed to do?"

Jungkook sits up, glaring. "I don't know, how about being there for me?"

"I was," Taehyung argues, gawking at him. "Are you genuinely accusing me of not being there for you? I tried so hard to help you get out of these moods you've been having, and it wasn't working. I can only do so much if you don't want to help yourself!"

"I don't fucking enjoy this, Taehyung," Jungkook growls. "Yeah, it's just absolutely amazing having mood swings I can't control and wanting to beat the shit out of anyone who so much as glances at us wrong. It's fucking great to be stuck in the mindset that I'm disgusting and wrong and shouldn't exist. God, it'd be so much easier if I went to sleep and never woke up."

Taehyung leans back, staring at him with horrified eyes, fresh tears on his cheeks. "Don't talk like that."

"Why? It's not like anyone wants me around anyways. All I do is screw everything up and make it awkward for people."

"Jungkook, that's not true."

"You even got tired of me." The fire dissipates inside him and his shoulders slouch. "And I'm not mad at you for it. I understand. Jesus, Taehyung, you deserve the whole entire universe and all I gave you was headaches."

"Stop," Taehyung says firmly, grabbing his hands. "That's not true at all. Jungkook, I could never be tired of you. I just wanted you to get help because I can't stand seeing you like this. Do you know how difficult it is to watch the person you love lose themselves in their own mind? I know the person you are now isn't you at all. You're not the Jungkook I fell in love with..."

Jungkook squeezes his hands, then snatches them away.

"That doesn't mean I don't love you anymore," Taehyung adds. "But I know you're better than this."

"What's the point anymore?" Jungkook mumbles. "Just go, Tae. They'll be plenty of better people when you get to college. You won't care about me when you get up there, anyways."

Taehyung stares at him in shocked hurt, his bottom lip trembling as he lets the tears stain his cheeks. He stands slowly from the bed, not knowing what else to say to the broken boy who's laying back down, tucked firmly in the sheets. What is he supposed to say?

He gathers his courage, wipes his cheeks, and leaves without another word.

***

One month.

It's been one whole month, thirty full days, of not being with Taehyung. Of not getting to kiss his cheeks when he blushes, not being able to hug him to brighten the days, not getting to cuddle at night when the nightmares from his past torture his sleep. Jungkook lists the things he hasn't been able to do--hold his hand around the mall, share his ice cream, watch his nose scrunch when he tastes something terrible--and the sadness settles deeper inside him.

He's closing his locker when Jimin slides up beside him. "Hey-o, bozo."

Jungkook gives him a look.

Jimin pouts. "I was trying something new. Anyways, you're coming shopping with me later."

"No, thanks."

"It wasn't a question, dipshit." The two begin walking. "Besides, we need outfits."

Jungkook's eyebrows furrow. "For?"

Jimin gapes at him. "Graduation, obviously. Our whole crew is about to walk across the stage. We need to represent fashionably."

Jungkook shakes his head. "I won't be there."

"Bullshit. Graduation is in two weeks, and I won't let you miss being there for your friends because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself."

Jungkook glares at him.

Jimin shrugs. "You better be waiting for me in the courtyard at dismissal." Then he turns and walks to his class, leaving Jungkook alone once more.

***

"Red is too flashy, isn't it?" Jimin asks, holding up a silk red button down over his frame, lips curling. "A bit too tacky, I think. But isn't black too standard and formal? I'm not trying to show up at a funeral."

Jungkook, uninterested, mindlessly skims the opposite rack. He can't help but wonder what Taehyung will be wearing under his graduation gown, since the principal is letting him walk, and will he have a celebratory dinner at his favorite pizzeria afterwards?

He doesn't realize Jimin is staring at him until their eyes unintentionally meet. Jungkook clears his throat and averts his gaze.

"You two are pathetic," Jimin tsks, shaking his head. "It's been a month and you're both just avoiding the fact that the other exists."

"I didn't ask for your opinion," Jungkook snaps.

"Too bad I didn't ask permission." Jimin levels his stare, looking sterner than Jungkook has ever seen him. "Truthfully, you're both being idiots. You're acting like you can't talk shit out like normal people and move on with your lives."

"It's more than that."

"Yeah, your anger, I know. But neither of you are talking about it. You're just acting like it's unfixable."

"I tried to fix it and it didn't work."

"No, you convinced yourself it didn't work. Jungkook, all you did was go to three more therapy sessions, and just decided it was useless. You have to commit yourself to actually make a difference. And Tae tried really hard too, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves."

Jungkook groans, throwing his hands up. "Why does everyone think I want to be this way?"

"I didn't say that," Jimin counters, looking back to the clothes. "But honestly, I think you like it a little bit. Not necessarily the scaring everyone part, but the fact that you aren't this shy, meek little kid anymore. It's okay to be tough, Jungkook, and it's okay to like the feeling. But it's not okay to scare the entire school population and your boyfriend."

"I don't like it," Jungkook retorts, though a bit weakly.

"Sure you do. That's okay." Jimin's eyes meet his. "Jungkook, you were tired of being a nobody, of feeling powerless. And, well, now you aren't and you're scared to give it up again."

Jungkook narrows his eyes at the clothes. "Thanks, therapist Jimin."

"That's Dr. Jimin-hyung to you."

Jungkook rolls his eyes.

Jimin smirks. "But you didn't deny it, so I'll take it as I'm right. Now you just need to find a balance and get your boyfriend back."

"What if there is no balance?"

"Jeon Jungkook, I swear to God I'm going to throw this seventy dollar shoe at your head if you don't--"

"Need help finding anything today?" a polite store worker asks with a bright grin.

Jimin returns the smile, batting his lashes innocently. "Oh, no thank you. But these are definitely it," he says dramatically, holding up the display shoe.

The worker smiles and walks off.

Jimin scowls at the shoe, tossing it back on the shelf. "Overpriced garbage."

Jungkook finds himself with the smallest of smiles on his face. "We sure do love a fake man."

Jimin snorts, going back to the shirts. "We sure do."