♥║ fifty-five ║♥      

The day of graduation, and Jungkook is laying on Jimin's bed, listening to his best friend and his boyfriend argue over Jimin's choice in shirts. Well, argue isn't the best word, and Jungkook must admit it's amusing to listen to the bickering.

"But the red would really compliment my silver hair and show that Misoo girl that you're very much taken and satisfied."

Yoongi rolls his eyes. "I'm not even bisexual, Jimin, you know this."

"Well, that hasn't stopped her from pining after you the past two weeks!"

"Just wear the black, okay? I like it on you and it's... subtle."

"We're not going for subtle, babe, we're trying to prove a point."

"You're trying to prove a point."

"Jesus, Jimin, wear the black," Jungkook chimes in, smirking. "Didn't you say red is too flashy anyways?"

Jimin cuts his eyes to his friend, glaring. "Mind your business. At least I'm not dressed like I picked the first thing I saw on the rack."

Jungkook gawks at him, pinching the collar of his shirt. "It's literally a white polo."

Jimin tsks and shakes his head.

Yoongi grins at his boyfriend. "You're wearing the black, aren't you?"

Jimin scrunches his nose, holding the shirt to his chest. "I realized it fits my form better," he says with a huff.

Jungkook and Yoongi exchanged an entertained look.

As Jimin changes his shirt, Jungkook purses his lips as his gaze lingers on Yoongi. The older boy smiles knowingly as he straightens his tie.

"Taehyung is riding with Hoseok," he says.

Jungkook frowns and shrugs, like he doesn't care. "I didn't ask. He can ride with whoever he wants."

"You know, Hoseok wouldn't mind swinging by to pick you up too."

"I'm riding with you guys. We already planned this. I can't just back out of plans with you when you've made room for me."

"Jungkook, it's literally us three," Jimin chimes in. "No one made room for you."

"Asshole," Jungkook grumbles.

"I am your elder!"

Yoongi clicks his tongue. "Just a thought. I don't think they've left yet."

Jungkook looks down at Jimin's bed with a scowl. Part of him aches to reach for his phone, to call Hoseok just to see Taehyung and maybe hold his hand and--he can't. He's serious this time. He has to be done. Taehyung deserves better; both of them know this. It just seems only Jungkook is willing to admit it.

Everyone was right--it was just a fling. Jungkook is confused. Taehyung will move on the second he steps on a college campus. Then things will be as they should be.

He catches the boyfriends glancing at each other in concern over him without them realizing it. His expression sours further. He hates that everyone is pitying him. He'll be fine eventually. He is fine.

He swears it.

In the car on the way to the school, Jungkook is grateful for his friends filling the silence, distracting his brain from venturing into prohibited thoughts. He's pushed every idea of Taehyung to the back of his mind, determined to leave all images of him where he can't access them. Where he won't allow himself to see. It'll be easy, he figures, as the days go on. To forget how bright his eyes would get when he smiled, how his cheeks would fill with food in the most adorable way, how his giggle would float through his ears.

It'll be easy, eventually.

Of this, he's certain.

Yoongi parks near the back at the gym, Jimin's attire predicament setting them behind schedule. He follows the boyfriends down the parking lot, smiling as Yoongi begrudgingly slips the graduation gown onto his shoulders, muttering under his breath about how ridiculous he looks with the cap on. Jimin makes sure to fuss over Yoongi's hair, making sure his bangs lay the right way beneath the cap's edge and the gown isn't wrinkled in the back.

It's truly ridiculous.

"It's not a marriage, you know," Jungkook chirps, getting a glare from both of them.

Is it sad how even the word marriage takes Jungkook back to the church, his heart hammering in his ears as he stood in the doorway and shouted, "I object"? He doesn't need to think about that time. Perhaps he was too foolish. He shouldn't have attended, just as his initial thoughts told him. He shouldn't have listened to anyone else. Follow your instincts, right? Albeit, Jungkook isn't quite sure if it were fear or instincts telling him to stay home that day. However, he can't allow himself to believe instincts led him down the aisle that day.

It's unnatural.

It's wrong.

He looks up in time to see them reach the gym where parents are either filing in or frantically scrambling for pictures with the entire family, gushing over their beloved graduate. He shouldn't have come here today. It's making him feel sick. There's so many happy people, and is the smile on his face really that believable when he feels as though he doesn't blend in at all? He's practically suffocating, feeling as if every pair of eyes in the room have turned to stare directly at him.

But that's his mind playing tricks on him, this he knows. A whole room wouldn't waste their breath on a man like him. Someone he's either frightened or pissed off within the past few months wouldn't give a damn if he was smiling genuinely or not. Probably wouldn't give a damn if he simply disappeared.

Maybe they're right and maybe he should.

"Oh, oh! There's Namjoon," Jimin announces, tugging Yoongi's hand to lead him in that direction. Jungkook follows like a lost puppy, realizing more and more as the seconds tick by that he's taking up precious space in this gymnasium.

Namjoon is in the middle of posing with Jin, as the latter's mother gushes and snaps as many pictures as she can. Namjoon spots them approaching and grins, waving happily as Jin takes to posing alone to satisfy his mother's pleas. For your family to see! she beams, already describing the frame and place on the wall she's saved for this moment.

Namjoon hugs them each in turn, expressing how nervous he is with a small chuckle, his cheeks flushed and sweat beads from his temples, dots his upper lip. He swipes at it and sighs heavily, seeming exhausted and yet shining brighter than Jungkook has ever seen him. Good, the younger thinks. Namjoon deserves this moment, this celebration.

All of his friends do.

Jin's mother falls into conversation with Namjoon's father, letting their friend group form to chat amongst themselves in the busy area. Hoseok and Taehyung arrive soon enough, Taehyung's smiles faltering ever so slightly when his eyes meet Jungkook's. And there's a hesitation, but it only lasts a few seconds before Taehyung's arms are around Jungkook's neck after Hoseok's hugs. And unlike Hoseok's hug where he had embraced the elder, Jungkook's arms are slack at his sides because the man he loves is holding him, and he can't hold the man who broke his heart.

Taehyung backs away, lingering, waiting, thinking. He seems to toss something over in his bite, chewing his bottom lip, but he decides against whatever it is and turns away, embracing Jimin instead. The hug is longer and Jungkook feels jealousy, but why should he be jealous when there's no one to be scared of losing?

He's already lost.

Jungkook finds himself backing away, finds sweat on the back of his neck and spots in his vision and he's struggling to find his breath. But he plays it off as if the crowd is too much for him, which is not totally a lie but best friends see partial truths and know when there's something, so he ignores their concerned gazes and declares he'll be saving a spot for Jimin in the bleachers, quickly stumbling away from the scene.

He takes a spot near the top of the bleachers, rubbing his forehead and counting his breaths, focused on leveling them out. He can't do this. Not here, not now. He can't have an anxiety attack when his best friends are celebrating one of the biggest moments of their lives. He can't take that spotlight from them. He can't and he won't.

He feels the open space beside him get filled, and he's about to tell the person it's a saved spot when that person slides an arm around his shoulders. For the briefest, most hopeful moment, he considers the idea of Taehyung comforting him, but it is Jimin as he should've known. He doesn't know if he could handle Taehyung next to him right now anyways, despite the fact that his presence would take away his panic like putting out a flame on a candle.

Jimin doesn't speak, just leans into Jungkook and lets him regain control of himself. His eyes catch on his group of friends making their way to their seats in the middle of the gym, right in front of the fancy stage with giant balloons and streamers tossed seemingly aimlessly about.

"You good?" Jimin asks softly, glancing at him.

Jungkook inhales and nods. "This is their day," he says.

Jimin purses his lips and cuts his eyes to the front just as the principal stands from his seat on the stage, taking place in front of the podium. Late parents end up lining the walls, blocking the exit and crowding the front bleachers. The principal begins his speech. Jungkook doesn't hear it. The valedictorian is called, and Jungkook forces himself to pay attention.

Namjoon bows as he gets to the microphone, clearing his throat as a nervous habit, not because anything is stuck in it. "Good evening, everyone. As valedictorian, I was told I had to give a speech... I can't promise it'll be the most riveting thing you've ever heard, but a part of me hopes you hold onto some of the things I say. I'll try to keep it short and sweet." He flashes a dimpled smile to the audience.

"High school is the time when you learn the most about yourself, whether it be positive or negative. How we view ourselves and how people view us are sometimes totally different, and as teenagers we have to find the balance so we don't go insane. Should I care that people think I'm a freak because I like to learn? Should I care that people mutter insults behind my back, people I once considered friends?

"Maybe we should care. Maybe we can take everything we've heard others say about us and turn it into what helps us grow. What makes us strong..." Namjoon casts his eyes around the crowd. "Or maybe I should realize that the only person living my life is me. What people say doesn't affect who I am. It doesn't change where my future will go unless I let it. It's time for everyone, including those of you afraid to admit it, that it is okay to be yourself. It is okay to like what isn't mainstream and to like what is. It's okay to express your feelings, to love who you want, to be who you want.

"Is it cliche to tell people to be themselves? Yeah, sure, it is. But cliches become cliches for a reason--there's always something in them that people love--hope. And my hope for you today is that you leave this gym knowing you made it. You pulled through. And whatever is in store for you next, I hope you find yourself along the way. I hope you face yourself, you speak yourself, so that one day you'll know yourself. Thank you."

The audience cheers loud, as Namjoon deserves, and Jungkook is struggling to wrap his head around everything the elder has said. His words ring around and around in his mind, some settling in so he knows he'll have them in the future.

To love who you want.

To be who you want.

He blinks away tears in his eyes before he even realizes they're there.

That would be an incredible place to live, wouldn't it? Where people kept their judgements to themselves and Jungkook wouldn't feel so disgusting and unnatural and wrong?

Regardless, it isn't about him. It's about Taehyung deserving better instead of settling for less. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

As the graduates walk across the stages, taking their diplomas, Jungkook watches each of them. Despite being half dead inside, he manages to cheer with Jimin when their friends' names are called. He even cheers for Taehyung, although it dies faster than the others, his mind once again hazy and lost.

He doesn't hear the eruption of applause when the graduates toss their caps in the air as a finale.

Jimin and Jungkook wait for most of the crowd to filter out after the ceremony before they climb down the bleachers and escape through the opposite door to find their group. The boys are all huddled together, cheering excitedly and laughing. Jimin and Jungkook nearly get trampled in hugs when the group spots them, Jimin earning a long kiss on the lips from Yoongi. Jungkook's eyes find Taehyung's, as they always do somehow, and he swallows a lump in his throat.

Taehyung walks over, all happiness gone as sadness by every definition takes over his features. "Jungkook," he says quietly, his voice nearly cracking. "We need to talk."

Again? Talk again? Why?

What more could be said?

But for some reason he lets Taehyung tug him aside and ignores the hopeful looks of his friends. Taehyung takes a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair now that his cap hangs from his fingers.

"What is it?" Jungkook asks, harsher than he intended, Taehyung visibly flinching.

"I... I just..." Taehyung's eyes water as he casts his gaze to the ground. "I'm leaving, Jungkook. On Saturday."

Saturday. This Saturday. As in two days from now Saturday.

Jungkook's world starts spinning, even though he knew this would be happening. But he didn't think so soon and he shouldn't care because they're done, finished, but his chest swells with a pain similar to the night his heart first broke.

"I wanted to tell you," Taehyung whispers. "I-I don't know why. I guess I thought you'd want to know."

Jungkook clenches his jaw and there's a flood of words rising on his tongue, but the only one he gets out is, "Okay."

No, that's not what he wanted to say.

I'm sorry. I love you so much. Don't leave us like this. I shouldn't have treated you that way. I'm so sorry. Let me try again. Don't look so sad. Please don't cry. I love you, I love you, I love you.

So many words and he's choking on them.

Taehyung, obviously hurt by his reaction, blinks quickly and nods curtly, as if confirming this is it. "O-okay..."

But as he says that one word his hand flies over his mouth and his eyes squeeze shut and he's holding back a sob, this Jungkook knows, but his feet are glued to the ground and his hands are numb, unmoving, so he watches Taehyung turn away, watches his shoulders shake, hears the muffled cries as he hurries off.

Past the group.

All eyes turn to him, but he's standing frozen, his tongue thick and heavy in his mouth, his eyes wavering on the grass beneath him. When is the last time he took a breath? Why does his chest feel hollowed now instead of weighted with pain?

He hears footsteps running after Taehyung, undoubtedly Yoongi.

Jungkook still makes no sign of movement.

"Jungkook?" Jimin calls softly, carefully, because he's a monster that will snap and hurt the people he loves.

"He's leaving," Jungkook hears himself say, but he doesn't feel his lips move. He doesn't feel his knees hit the ground and he doesn't feel the tears running down his cheeks.

Jimin kneels in front of him, clutching Jungkook to his chest but what will that do? He's heard all of the condolences that exist in the world and none of them actually make anything better. And talking it out is pointless, useless, because how can you talk something out when you know no change will be made? No promises will be kept?

He reminds himself it has to be this way. It must. There is no way around it, not in this world, not with this mindset. He simply has to move on. He knows this.

It'll be easy, eventually.

Eventually.

But now...

For now he allows himself to experience heartbreak all over again.