19 February 2016

The Moon

The past few days had been a mixed bag. I was trying to forget the strife I had caused with suggesting that my group had to perform the choreography for Me Gustas Tu, as well. No doubt, I was portrayed as stubborn, when all I had wanted to do was get as much votes for my team as possible. We did well so I exhaled.

At the very least, they had agreed with my suggestion that all of us had to try for the various vocals. So what if people thought I was a robot because I didn't cry at not being with my former teammates? 97 trainees had chosen me as number 7 of the "top visual" so I was riding the crest of that wave. Yunji thought my smiling face was pretty and Boseon wanted my face.

The criticism I had received from the mentors was what I paid utmost attention to and anyone could see that I was ranking high based on merit. I inhaled and lifted the box to my lips, kissing it tenderly. Whatever our next mission was, I needed all the strength I could muster. I was glad that SOPA had agreed to a suspension of my academic activities because this was a highly stressful experience.

We were constantly weighed and put on diets, contrary to my experience at Pledis. I did appreciate the special exercises with Ray Yang and the English lessons with Lee Siwon. As people said my husky voice was charming, I would need to sharpen my vocal tool as much as I could. All too soon, it was our next audience with the Prince of Asia.

Jang Keun-suk announced that we would perform live in groups based on the positions we wanted to debut in. Kim Sejeong had the privilege of choosing first and Ayoung, who abstained from voting due to illness, would automatically be placed in the empty slot. I had so much fun singing in the previous missions so I decided to continue on the same path.

Having placed sixth in the previous ranking, I was the first in the room labelled "Yum-Yum", having chosen it from the five concepts available. The burden on my shoulders was to kick out any contestants I thought were unsuitable to the song. Soon, 16 girls filled the Trap Pop room and I started thinking about which two girls I had to remove from the line-up.

I chose &August Yoon Seohyeung and Cube Lee Younseo, burying my head in my arms as I couldn't even look them in the eyes. The long ebony locks hopefully hid my emotions from the camera. When asked about my decision, I explained that I thought that they would suit another song better: "It's special and unique."

Jeon Soyeon startled me by volunteering to leave. I didn't think she was ugly and I was like her, an ace who wanted to try out every element of performance. Someday, she would shake up the Kpop industry and I hoped to be a rival in a competition where we sharpened each other's talent, like a whetstone and a sword.

While reading the lyrics and recording at the studio, I thought about Jun. Blood was "a strange, yet addicting taste". My other lyrics were better suited to me: "I will remember that, still unable to differentiate time and place". A staff walked in on Chanmi, Chaeyeon, Yoojung, Park Soyeon, Dani and my secret meeting.

We knew that Somi's birthday was on 9 March and were planning a surprise party for her. He informed us that we could go to a hidden patisserie that was recently built as the next phase of the lunar settlement plan. All six of us agreed that this was much easier than baking a cake, when none of us had the necessary skills for that.

Once all of the details were sorted out, we returned to practice. The showcase was in a few days and we had to spend every minute practicing our vocals and/or rap. Our performance was set for the second half of the show, and we had to steal the attention of the nation's producers so they would place their wristband in our box.

When the stylists pushed the clothing rail into the changing room, I wondered which colour I would get. 7-go-up would obviously follow the rainbow scheme. I watched as the black jackets were removed and I saw the outfit I knew I had to avoid: a yellow top with The Moon illustrated on it, upright. Something is not as it appears to be.

"Do re mi fah so lah Xiyeon," I pretended to be busy warming up so that the fateful outfit would be chosen by someone else by myself. Since I was the only tarot reader here, its curse would only adversely affect me. I settled on a plain blue top that reminded me of the Night sky and sat down in front of the stylist in charge of makeup. 

As I closed my eyes, I reflected on the fact that the card had chosen Yoojung: she was not what she seemed. She was underestimated at first, to the other contestants' detriment. I valued her while she was on my team but had and would have to give my all when I was up against her. For now, I had to hype her up on stage.

Once the performance was over, it was unclear which team would get the prize of 150 000 extra votes. Yoojung pleaded, "Our team, this time, is really desperate so please vote for us." I asked, "Everyone, you are sad if Yoojung is crying, right? Don't cry," I turned to her with a beseeching look on my face before facing the audience once more.

"I thought every moment was the last stage and came 'til here. If you felt that too, then I think you would become our comrades who would evaluate our stage positively. Thank you, I will work hard," I smiled appealingly. We bowed and walked off the stage, hoping that the fifth performance wouldn't leave a lasting impression on our voters.

The surprise birthday that we had for Somi was the only thing keeping me sane as we waited for the results to be released. But that was a couple of days ago and I rubbed the wooden box holding my most-prized treasure so hard, I wouldn't be surprised if I had already worn away the silver inscriptions (this was the metal of the supernatural world).

There was a collective gasp and heads that not-so-subtly turned in my direction when we saw that I had not placed in the Top 22. To prevent myself from shedding tears, I concentrated on our host's words: "Even though you are leaving Produce 101, don't give up on your dream of becoming an idol. I really hope you all achieve that dream."

Once the audience was over, I bowed to all the contestants assembled and walked away briskly. No one chased after me, for which I was grateful. I had no conduit for my intense, adolescent emotions. Awkward apologies would only anger me and I was uncertain of my future at Pledis. Would they fire me from being an idol and then sue me for contractual damages?

The money I made from my appearances in music videos would be a drop in that bucket of debt. I could not ask my family to pay for my selfish desires. Maybe I could buy a kiosk and cheapen the craft by reading the cards for millions of won. I'd only calm down once I was on terra firma, finally able to reconnect with the tarot.