I got up the next day at 7 A.M which is totally unlike me. I usually get up midday but I guess there's a first to everything. I jumped down from my bed and landed on a big medical dictionary. The one I always use as a step to get up from my bed. I walked over to my nightstand to grab my notebook to decide which task I would start with. I settled on writing a poem so I grabbed my pink notebook from the same nightstand. The pink notebook is what I usually write my poems in. I started writing:

Broken Strength

I thought you would respect my wishes
So I gave you my heart
And it came back in pieces
Now I need stitches
I need to pick up each part
I need to stitch back my heart
Glue back my love
Glue back my trust
Glue back my faith
And remove your face
Remove all your lies
Remove all the hate
I need to learn how to climb again
I told you I need you to be the last
In my face, you said ok
But behind my back, you laughed
I told you about my past
Thought you would cherish me unlike my last
You didn't even try to make a change
You soaked in all I said like a sponge
And did me the same wrong
Again and again
Thank God that I'm strong
Because if I wasn't I wouldn't be on this earth this long
Thank God that you taught me how to fight
So that every time the darkness tries to consume me I know how to put on my light
Believe me, I won't make the same mistake
Now I know how to recognize a fake
The ones that say
But do not do
The ones that smile
With the evil twinkle in their eyes
The ones that come in the prettiest design
Trust me when I say
I'll leave that beautiful fruit overnight
Let it rot and spoil
But all the things that you did me
I still want to say thank you
Because now I know the real me
I have found my strength
I have found my courage
I have gained self-esteem
With this pain
Now I can sing
I wasn't able to be this strong
You didn't do me any wrong
Instead, you put me in a place I belong
A place where queens take pain to make them strong.

You Were Wrong

I feel the coldness running down my spine
Thinking to myself why do I have to be so kind
I open up the shower so wide
I created a waterfall inside
I cried so loud, I shout, I screamed
Wondering how I get on my knees
I need to be healed
I need to pray
For I have finally reached the end of my days
You hurt me so bad I don't know how to live
I'm like a tree with no leaves
I've lost my beauty
I'm moody and droopy
How can you be so cruel
Happiness used to be my fuel
Now I've run out of gas
I don't know how long I'm going to last
I was so ripe and fresh
You liked what you see so you picked the best
Yes, the best, the one you found suitable to peel the skin off,
Squeeze the juice out and leave the seed dry
Then you threw me to the side
Leaving me to die
But what you forgot is that seeds grow
When you thought I was no more
And you walked out through that door
I felt dead inside
But eventually, I tired
I left you surprised
Because you didn't know I could fight
You didn't know I would be alright
But I like surprising niggas like you
I showed you I could pull through
Now look me in the eye and find out who rules the world tonight boo
I bet you thought I wouldn't survive
But look at me I'm still alive.

When I was done I recorded the first poem over and over until I was satisfied with how it turned out. I made a thumbnail on the canva app and then uploaded the video. What next I sit and asked myself. I stared at my notebook quickly realizing how those tasks could become depressing really quick and I was already depressed as it is.

My family was getting worried because I talked about suicide a lot and to be quite honest the only reason I haven't done it was because I wanted to be there for my little sister and grandmother. I love all the members of my family but those two were dear to me maybe because they were the only persons to actually come to me and have conversations with the right amount of laughter.

Other than that I really try, I even started to talk to a counsellor but that was unsuccessful. He told me to look for the positive in a situation instead of focusing on the negative but that was hard to do. I have been trying that all my life and it rarely worked. The whole counselling session was basically him talking. I hardly did any talking and then that had me questioning all that I've studied in my psychology classes. They taught us that the patient should be the one doing the majority of the talking and make them come up with the solutions for them to attempt. The counsellor is a guide or a helper someone you can talk to without feeling judged. Well, I guess every counsellor is different at least I didn't pay because it was a complete waste of money to pay for dissatisfaction.

My family always say my problem is I bundle up everything and never speak about it but I can't speak about personal things like what goes through my head it just feels too weird. Plus they can't expect me to just open up like that when we never had that close relationship and most of my problems are caused by certain family members.