Sometimes I wish I could be the person in my dreams. The version of myself I long to be. That person that is brave and bold and strong and beautiful. That person that's not perfect but a better version of me. I long to face the world with confidence. Someone that's not afraid of anything. Someone that squishes fear in the palm of their hand. A person that gets up in the morning with a smile. Just so happy to be alive. Walks with boldness, literally walking on two feet and not on their knees. That person who can face anyone and say I fucking love who I am.

Instead, I'm left with this body, stuck. Fighting every day just to be enough. Living a lie. I smile but it isn't true. I dream but it will never come true. I allow anxiety to cripple me. I allow her to knock me out cold. Words are formulated in my mind but my mouth doesn't connect. All my thoughts were a waste of time because I would never be able to say what was on my mind. I wake up every day with no willingness to live. I live with the same routine. I do it because my attempts to go have failed. I still wonder if hell is a better place. All my life I have believed. Now tell me why I fight this battle every day to be loved.

Food on the table but I can't eat. I'm hungry but my mind keeps playing tricks. It knows the struggle so it warns me. Now you have food but tomorrow they'll leave you hungry. Who am I? A girl that's depressed. A girl that is tired of hearing every day that she's different. A girl that is sick of hearing awful words. A girl that longs to be appreciated. A girl that is begging for love.

My heart aches too long to be enough. To someone to me to anyone really. I don't want to struggle anymore to love myself. I crave to be someone else. Someone free, someone else as long as it's not me.

Can you cherish a broken girl? Can you show her everything she's missing in this world? That's what I want, it's what I dream of.

I feel used and abused. I don't know what to do.