Trigger warning : suicide & selfharm

I read my suicide note last night. Wrote it to my momma with a pen tight in my hand. squeezing it with a grip like a rope in my hand. waiting for someone to pull me up from this bottomless pit. a sight in my eyes more raw than the blade across my skin.

It sat unfinished, untouched in a book under my desk, I thought it'd be my last. reading the words and I wanna cry, but man I feel like a coward, to numb to release tears desperate to fall, as I read the lines, of helpless words wrapped with ink. A present I sat out to reach. Scratching paper that shouldn't exist. now all I can do is ball up my fists. Clenching memories searching for light. I feel an ounce of warmth and think to myself. maybe I can be alive. A senseless dream I started to picture. reading the words of hopeful scripture.

But the empty presence never went away. The dark enclosed forever staying.
The dream was a fireball I was chasing. Trying to breathe under the smoke. I lost all sense of hope. a beauty of colors, now a blurred vision. An escape from my head but I lost the exit

with every word I wanna reverse time, go back to when I was nine. Replace the blade within my hand, a bit pressure to get some pleasure. An empty promise kept me here, now my feet are tied, nowhere to run, but to the silver under my bed, promising me a bit of red.

- hannah :)