"Without you.."

"I wouldn't have been me."

*Trigger warning*

...

On 25th November, 2003.

In Moscow, Russia.

Mikhail Kirril was born.

-----

He had a sweet father who loved him from his deep heart, always wanted to take care of him, play with him and raise him to be a better man. A man who fights for his own life without having to lean on others. He never wanted for him to be the man he was, he never wanted him to be gutless or fearful. He never wanted him to be deceitful, fraudulent or misguided like he once was.

He wanted to clear his past sins by raising his own child to be someone merciful, who's worthy of love, worthy of living, unlike his father who was once a criminal.

Though, Mikhail's mother was merciless and abusive. She wasn't as kind as his father. That's because she was an alcoholic who always placed drinking above all of her other obligations, including her own son.

She always felt regretful that she gave birth to him, she even wanted to a get an abortion once she knew she was pregnant with him, but she never dared to. Not when his father was there to keep her sane from her own mental illness.

She would scold him, castigate him and blame him for letting her give birth to such a child who she thought was totally useless and a burden to them.

His father made sure to never let him see that side of her, to keep him out of sight. Although it was hard to conceal. It was hard to store away her hatred for him, especially when she sometimes lost control and started to beat him up, his father would always push him aside and ask her to hit him instead. She would delightfully accept his sacrifice, every single time.

Even though he was little, Mikhail knew very well the kind of mother he was destined to have. But he was never able to hate her, he would always hope she recovers and be in a healthy state to give him the love he deserved. Slowly that hope turned into sadness, as she never gave him the hint of her recovering or ever loving him.

He started to fear her, sometimes feel pity for her. But he also tried to gain her love that was never born.

He'd fail every time.

When he turned five, his mother decided to get rid of him and give him to the orphanage. She got too sick of him that she felt so proud handling those five years having him in her house, even though he wasn't dissentious, even though he never talked much that they thought he was mute, she still found him a heavy burden.

His father did everything he could to not let her throw their son in the orphanage. He suggested to take him and go live somewhere far from her, somewhere far away where she didn't have to deal with their business or ever see her son's face again. But she was too stubborn and ruthless to listen that she threatened to confront him with the crimes he did.

She didn't want to do whatever he pleased, she never wanted to satisfy him or let him live that happy life he always wanted to live, when all he only caused her was misery.

He was the reason she became an alcoholic, so she was the reason he lost his only child.

However, his father didn't give up. He knew that she couldn't scandal him when she herself was way worse than him, he knew she was just trifling.

So he waited for midnight when she went to get drunk at the club, took his son and ran away with him to California, San Francisco.

He promised him a healthy life there, where no one could ever hate him like his mother did or cause him any harm at all.

He did not know how to raise him alone, he was weak, he never had someone to take care of before. So he definitely thought that taking care of his own child would be a hard thing to accomplish. But for him, it was totally worth it.

He really loved him, though Mikhail's only concentrate was always on his mother, he was so desperate for her to love him the way he loved her that he didn't care about anyone else's love. But he was truly thankful for his father, for sure.

Two weeks passed and they were living together in a small house that his father barely was able to afford it's rent.

He made sure for Mikhail to live his life freely, full of passion and love. That was until he got diagnosed due to blood coughing and shortness of breath. Doctors detected that he had lung cancer, and it was at the end stage that might have approached death.

His father's heart shuttered into pieces and he got into depression. He didn't know what to do or how to make sure for his son to be safe after he dies. Doctors told him that he should get into medical care and take his son to the orphanage where he could get properly raised, meet people his age and learn how to communicate which he had the lack of. He never been to a kindergarten or school, he knew nothing in his life but violence, alcohol, arguing and getting beaten up.

His father knew that he was no good to him. He felt sorry for him. He felt sorry that he had to be born with such cruel parents, for giving birth to someone who had no chance to live as any other normal child, happily.

He never played with kids his age, nor with his own toys. His mother never allowed to buy him proper clothes, she thought it was alot to give.

Mikhail's sense of emotion was rarely seen. His father couldn't remember the last time a smile was shown on his face, or even a shed of tear. Mikhail held no expression.

So his father knew it was for the best, it was better to let him go.

To give him to the people who were able to take care of him the right way, who were able to keep him healthy, physically and mentally.

Although even after his father took him to the orphanage, his mental health got even worse. Yes, he did learn communicating but it wasn't the best type of communication. Yes, he learned a lot of moral ethics but he never used them for a good purpose.

And yes, he had a life where he was able to connect with children his own age, but he had always been unfazed by them. Even though they tried to show him love and kindness, he returned it with cruelty and tenacity.

He was truculent, full of hatred, ungrateful for anything and everything. He hated all people without exception, and he made sure they would suffer the way he did.

Just like his mother, he became that monster who everyone feared and avoided.

Everyday, different partners visited the orphanage hoping they would find a suitable kindhearted child for them to take care of, but no one wanted to adopt him. They never bothered to even try. And that made him even more squabble.

He didn't know if he grew up the way he did because he hated his mother or desperately missed her. Or maybe because he was the same person as her, even though he never wanted to.

What he truly was sure of was that he hated her, he hated them. He never knew the reason why his dad threw him in the orphanage, he never knew that he had lung cancer and died from it when he was only six years old.

No one notified him any of that until he was eleven, when it was too late for him to think that anyone had ever loved him or truly cared for him.

He thought he was useless and a burden to everyone. He was sure that nobody would ever love him and that he would never want to love anybody.

He didn't believe in love, nor imagined that people would actually care or love each other. So he promised himself not to love or be loved, ever.

And he made sure for his only friend, Marcus, to know how much he messed up wanting to befriend him, a ruthless person who had never been able to express his deepest emotions.

Marcus didn't mind, though. He thought Mikhail was a cool person. He liked how he lived his life by not wanting to give a fuck about anyone or anything. Marcus never gave one, either. But he knew that Mikhail did, he always gave a fuck. He just never wanted to show it. He tried hard not to. He was a very emotional person who held a lot of feelings, it was just deeply locked inside his heart. And Marcus understood that well, that was probably why Mikhail didn't bother being followed by him everywhere he went.

He went on hating everyone, especially his mother. He taught himself to hate and not to catch feelings for anyone, or at least he was a professional at hiding them. He didn't want to get attached with someone the way he did with his mother, because he thought that in a way or another they would probably break his heart and leave him behind forever, for him to still be attached with them.

But then someone showed up. And for the first time, they got Mikhail's attention.

It was a short while, that got him attached forever.

That made him break his promise.

Only for her.

It was a cloudy morning that sent winds all over the place, causing the windows to hardly shutter and the trees to be blown as it's leaves were barely able to hold on to their branches. Wind nipping at his face, Mikhail climbed the tree that was near the orphanage gate wall. He wasn't just sneaking out for fun like every week with Marcus because of boredom, this time he was running away. Escaping the prison that his parents were the reason he rusted in there for nine miserable years.

He didn't even take Marcus with him, he didn't know where he was going, he was only thirteen. He just wanted to be free from everything, from his parents who mentally possessed him, from his best friend who kept babbling the whole week with random shit, and from his own old self that he wished he could somehow change to a better one. Just like his father wanted him to be the better man.

As he climbed up the tall tree, about to reach to the wall of the gate, a girl who was standing in front of the gate beside her father, gripping on his hand tight, had strangely caught his attention. He stopped climbing and hid himself through the leaves, leaning on the hard trunk, observing the girl as his eyes held too much curiosity.

"Dad, what is this place?" she pouted in fear as she looked at her father, eyes were about to be watery.

"It's a-..." he sighed as he tried not to tear up, he looked up the orphanage building that looked totally depressing and said, "It's a good place to play with kids your age, dear."

She looked at him for a moment, hand gripping tighter, "But I don't wanna go there. Please take me home with you." she squealed as Mikhail's eyes were narrowed painfully from her broken tone, not daring to tear up, not daring to be weak like them.

"Don't worry." her father kneeled as he rested both hands on her shoulders and forced a smile. "Only for few days, honey. And then you will be back home."

"Promise me." she cried.

"I promise." he hissed as he raised his pinky finger and smiled.

Mikhail rested his head on the tree's branch as he remembered the first day he came to the orphanage with his dad. He didn't really understand anything, but he had a feeling that it was the last time he would ever see his dad again.

A tear ran down his cheeks. Noticing it, he quickly whipped it off as he tucked his shoulder length golden hair beside his ear and rushed to climb the wall.

"Stay here until I come back, okay?" the girl's dad said and she ruefully nodded as the orphanage keeper opened the gate for her dad to step in.

The keeper's eyesight was too weak to notice Mikhail's figure that had been climbing up the wall. Once they opened the gate, the girl noticed Mikhail who was stunned by observing her.

As he noticed her noticing him, he got tense and he wasn't able to see clearly as the wind caused his hair to brush through his eyeballs which was so irritating to him.

Closing his eyes, he accidentally fell off and caused a harsh noise as the girl flinched in fear but then ran to check on him.

"Are you okay?" she kneeled, worriedly looking at him as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to groan.

She then noticed a bloody wound on his ankle. She quickly grabbed a tissue from her pocket, "You got injured." she softly said, trying to clean the wound but he aggressively flinched.

"I'm fine!" he frowned at her, with a rude tone.

Mikhail seemed to freak her out as her lips trembled in sadness and fear. She teared up a little bit, he rolled his eyes at how soft she was.

He grabbed the tissue that fell from her and cut off the piece that was covered with his blood. Then he carelessly gave her the clean one, offered his hand and helped her getting up.

"Thanks." she timidly rubbed her shoulder as she looked at him with sorrow, "What's your name?"

Mikhail then laid his eyes on her, questioning why would she care knowing her name when they only met for three minutes.

She smiled, waiting for him to answer her, but he looked away with no expression on his face. It made her upset, how rude he was. But she thought that he could have been a shy person, so she just kept trying to let him relax and be comfortable talking to her.

Her eyes were timidly on him and then sorrowfully on the building behind them.

"Can you tell me what is that building?" she pointed at it, his eyes were still fixed on her.

He looked down with despair as she again waited for him, hoping he'd answer.
"Do you really wanna know?" he coldly said, looking up at her.

"Please." she nodded with innocence.

"It's a prison." he painfully said, tears welling up from deep inside the girl's eyes.

"My father said it's called an orphanage?"

A smirk was shown on his lips as he chuckled at her, "Well.." he looked up the sky and closed his eyes. "There is no difference."

"But, I don't wanna go there!" she admitted.

"You have no choice."

"Yes I do. You just secretly climbed up that wall." she pointed at the wall as he looked back at it, confusion filling his mind. "That meant you had the choice.."

"Of what?"

"Escaping the prison."

He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, "What do you want from me?" he looked at her, wind fluffing his soft hair to the side.

"Take me with you."

"I don't have a clear destination."

"Neither do I." she crossed her arms, boldly challenging him as he chuckled a bit at how brave she was.

"What about your dad? And the promise he made?"

"He won't stick to it. He was lying."

Mikhail cleared his throat as he remembered the day his father promised him that he was going to live a happy life with no hatred. But he didn't stick to his promise, not because he meant it, he knew he didn't have any other choice. That's why he believed her when she told him her father was lying. He knew everyone had their own excuse behind every promise they break.

Even his promise to himself, not to love anyone nor be loved at all. He knew that he somehow was going to break it, and his excuse of breaking it would be her.

For the first time, he found someone very beautiful, worthy to take care of. He didn't know a damn thing about her, but he felt calmed down around her. He didn't have to fake being anyone else, he was just himself, or at least the one he thought it claimed to be. He didn't really know who he even was.

Not until she came to his life.

"Come with me then." he coldly said as she smiled with joy and walked behind him.

They spent the whole day walking around, not knowing where to go, or what to say. But they somehow enjoyed each other's company, just her being beside him made him feel special in a way.

He felt worthy of protecting her, he didn't regret taking her with him, he never wanted for her to suffer the way he did back at the orphanage. Escaping that prison with her made her feel happy and relieved, he knew that, which made him think that he wasn't useless in the end, which made him think he could be the better man his dad always wanted him to be.

Walking through the tall trees, the girl grabbed a plastic box from her small bag, it only had a one piece of chocolate brownies. She frowned in frustration, expecting from the box to have more than just one brownie.

Mikhail looked at her with confusion, uncertain of what kind of food she was holding.

She looked back at him, "You want some?"

"What's that?" he questioned.

"You never ate chocolate before?" she raised her brow in surprise, while he shook his head.

Back at the orphanage, they used to feed them healthy food, such as fruits and vegetables. They rarely got to eat much proteins there, or sweets. They always wanted them to be in a good health, and shape.

The girl looked down as she chuckled with a smile. She split the brownie into two pieces and offered him the big one. "You are missing alot."

Mikhail took a glace at the piece then back at her. He was stuttered at first, but then he took the piece and ate it. He thought it was too delicious that he didn't mind eating it every damn day.

He found his favorite sweet.

"So?" The girl tilted her head, curiously. "Is it good?"

"Yes." he gave her a half smile.

The girl giggled as she kept wandering the forest. Looking up the sky, she closed her eyes and inhaled the fresh breeze. "I can smell it from there."

"What is it?"

"The ocean." she opened her eyes with a smile. Looking back at him, she requested. "Can we go see it?"

He didn't know what was the point from watching water as it waves back and forth and they just stand there staring like it's something worth worshipping. But he knew that it would make her happy, so he agreed taking her there.

The blowing wind got to fade away as the clouds were separated, letting the sun light seek in. The world was again full of joy and happiness. Trees and mountains were astonishingly colorful as the ocean shimmered beneath the empty highway they were standing on.

Holding the girl's hand, Mikhail's stomach shivered. "Will you take care?"

The girl didn't answer him, she just smiled, and went on to reach to the ocean's view.

Mikhail looked at the graceful sky as he wandered the girl's shining eyes, she looked at the view with such fascination. He knew she liked it, and that she was happy. He felt happy too. Looking at her, it made his heart melt, he never knew he could ever feel that way for someone. She was way too beautiful for him that he couldn't find words, he was speechless for such beauty to exist.

That's when he knew, he broke his promise.

For her to be loved and protected the way no one else could do right, but him.

She walked through the highway smiling. Him still observing her, she turned around as her silky hair that he found flawless was swinging with her motion.

Lovingly is how she looked at him, "Thank you for bringing me here," she smiled as the sunlight gave more vision to her pretty face. "Mikhail."

He was so shocked that tears started welling up his eyes without him feeling it, or having control over them. For the first time, he had no control over his emotions. He was always that powerless, he couldn't admit it, but at that moment he did. He did know how much he enjoyed feeling emotions. He loved it.

She was the only one who taught him how to feel things, without saying a word.

She saved him.

"How do you know my name?"

She took a deep breath, both her arms were behind her back, "You know mine as well."

Five seconds and she was gone. Mikhail's heart fell down his stomach as he couldn't believe his eyes. Fear and disbelief filled his mind as she was passed out on the road, blood smearing around her, not being able to move a bone.

It felt so cold and breezy that Mikhail froze standing their with his eyes widened. He didn't know when did that happen, he didn't know why he stood there and did nothing, and why he was still standing there doing nothing.

He felt emotionless, that little hope he had with the feeling of love was gone, with her. He shouldn't have taken her to the coast highway, he shouldn't have taken her from the orphanage at all.

Why did he even involve that girl with him, he asked himself.

Why would he simply let her escape with him, even though he had no sense of responsibility.

He felt so stupid, so weak and completely worthless.

Kneeling beside her sober body, he looked at his hopeless reflection through her lakelet dark blood. Feeling numb, he was hardly able to breathe properly as his vision was completely blurred.

He roughly tried to get up as he couldn't lean on the ground or stand still from how shaky his whole body was. He did not bother looking at her pale face as he didn't want to ruin her beautiful image that was stored in his memory.

Yes, to him, she became a memory. A memory he knew he couldn't forget for the rest of eternity. She was his deepest regret, a choice he thought was to change his life, it only did to the worst.

Walking away, he cleared his throat as he let out a deep calm breath.

Sometimes we need to keep promising ourselves not to go near things we truly fear, until it vanishes by itself, he thought.

He made the exact mistake he promised himself not to do. He fell in love, he got attached, they left him forever.

Not caring about anything is what he was born for, being merciless, ruthless and not having a sense of emotion was the only thing he thought could keep him sane.

He knew love wasn't made for him, the universe made sure of that.

So since that day, he promised himself not to feel anything at all.

Only hatred, he was able to feel.

_______

[Parastin] (v) : protect |to keep safe|.

....

The book got a little too dark, I know :")

But hey! I'm sure Mikhail is going to have a happy life in a way!

Do you understand him now? Maybe a little bit.

Don't forget to vote and comment!

Love y'all <3 :)