"You can still be what you want to..

..what you said you were when i met you"

Heaven was nothing compared to the feeling of our bodies resting against each other.

I woke up, realizing I've been resting my head on his chest the whole night.

His arms were wrapped around me, sunshine leaped into the window, shimmering Mikhail's hair with pure shades of gold.

He hummed, turning his head into my direction as he slowly opened his eyes.

We had stared at each other for some minutes, his arms never dared loose tightness around me.

I glanced at the edge of his marvelous lips, feeling my breath shortening.

I sprung up from bed, before I'd changed my mind of getting back with him. His beauty in the morning was just hard not to get enchanted by.

I exited my way through the room, heading to the bathroom that was in the bedroom I used to sleep in.

When I finished showering and putting on new clean clothes, I went down the stairs, capturing Mikhail drinking his cup of coffee at the back yard.

"I'm going back home now." I informed him, and he looked down with frustration. "Do you need anything before I leave?"

He was wearing his black suit, he probably was heading to Rafael's office to start planning on how to apprehend Don and his men with minimal losses this time.

"Have breakfast with me." he offered, more welcoming than I had ever expected.

"I'm not hungry." I waved my hands, defensively.

I lied. I was totally hungry.

But I knew that if I'd stayed longer, I wouldn't be able to endure the beauty of his charm.

He was so beautiful that sometimes I couldn't believe he once claimed himself to be mine.

But I'd never heard him say how much he loved me. He'd never expressed how he truly felt towards me.

Why would I settle myself for that?

Why would I go through the torture of denying that he'd never loved me?

He stretched a hand and grabbed my arm, pulling me to sit on the couch next to him.

He glanced at my lips, "What now?" I knew felt something was off within me.

"Nothing." I shrugged, not looking at him.

"Thank you for yesterday." He mentioned, and I couldn't help but remember what we had all painfully gone through that night. "This was the first time I actually get a good sleep."

I smiled a bit. "I'm glad you did." I said nothing else after.

He was irritated. He got closer to me. "What's with the formality?!"

"Formality?" I dared meet his gaze this time, "I'm quite sure this is how I normally talk."

"Come on, Eve." He titled his head, disgruntled. I was surprised he was still calling me by my nickname. "Are you still pissed off?"

I tried to compose my reaction, pissed off was nothing to describe compared to how worthless he had made me feel.

"I'm not." I pursed my lips, raising my eyebrows. "Can I go now?"

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Not until you forgive me."

Is he serious?

I impatiently shook my head, looking away from him. And when I turned to meet his gaze again, he was leaning even more closer to me.

"Let me fix this." He clenched his jaw, his eyes stared at my lips.

"You can't." It came out as a whisper, as I stared at his lips as well.

"Please." he whispered back, his nose almost touching mine.

My head turned away. I closed my eyes, feeling his sweet cinnamon scent, and his breath brushing my neck.

"Mikhail..." I cleared my throat, desperately wanting to feel his lips on mine.

"Yes, Eve?" He murmured, and the next thing I know, I was kissing him.

Passionately, yearningly, eagerly kissing him.

I pulled away, realizing what I'd done.
"This is wrong." I whispered with regret.

"I know." he breathed heavily, he was regretting everything he'd said, as though he wished he could travel back in time and throw all the words away.

I closed my eyes, his nose still brushing mine. "I should leave now."

"Yeah-" he hardly whispered. "Yes, you should."

...

My phone vibrated while I was on my way back home, I picked it up with a sigh. "Yes, Emma?"

"Are you okay?" she asked me, as Olivia whispered to her behind the call. "We've been worried about you."

"I'm alright." I exhaled, running my fingers through my hair.

"Your parents told us Mikhail's best friend died few days ago." Emma seemed to pout while saying that as her voice lowered a bit. "Is he doing okay?"

"Yeah, we're all trying to be." I rested my head on the Uber's window, gazing at the uncountable frozen trees we'd passed by.

"I'm sure it's been hard on him." she said, as though it hadn't been hard on me, too, as though Marcus had meant nothing to me.

"Its been hard on all of us." I impatiently stated.

Some moments had passed and Emma was completely silent, as though Olivia was dispersing her on the call.

"So, uhm- Evelyn..." Emma anxiously murmured. "Rumors say that his friend has been shot."

"I'm gonna hang up now." A gasp slipped out my lips. I knew Olivia was the one who pushed her to say that, somehow she always pick the right words to say in order to hurt me.

"No! No! Wait!" Emma yelled, regretting what she'd just said. "Last question, I promise!"

I sighed, rubbing my eyes."What do you want?"

"Did he actually get shot?" She concernedly asked with a slow pace. "Are you and Mikhail in danger?"

I bit the inside of my cheeks. "Tell Olivia she doesn't have to know everything." My voice weakened as I cleared my throat.

"Evelyn but-" And before she could go on, I hung up on her.

I had no power left to deal with their negativity, they keep saying they care about me, but in fact, they never did, I've never felt relieved talking to them.

That's why Marcus made me realize what a true friend should be, and after he died, I couldn't see Olivia, Emma and Mia the same way I did before. I've always sensed that boundary set between us, sometimes I thought it was just me pushing them away, but it wasn't like that. It was them proving me everyday that our friendship never meant anything, just us filling each other's void with a growing emptiness.

I slowly stepped into the house, hoping mom wouldn't hear me entering. I couldn't answer any other questions coming from anyone.

Did Marcus get shot? Yes.

Are we in real danger? Yes.

Just one answer from me could have gotten me satisfied forever, but for them, it would've added more damage to their pain.

I flinched the moment I caught mom's figure, glaring at me. "Where were you all this time?"

"I told you," I exhaustingly kicked off my furred boots. "The funeral was yesterday."

"Oh." She looked down with a pout. "How's my dear Mikhail doing?"

I chuckled at what she said.

'My dear', yeah sure mom.

"You mean how much cash he got." I mumbled, taking off my coat. I was totally convinced she accepted our relationship for his money, if not, he wouldn't have been her 'dear' Mikhail.

"What?!" she narrowed her eyes that were full of confusion.

"He's doing great." I grinned, dropping my keys on the table. "Thankfully." My grin then disappeared when I proceeded to climb up the stairs.

"I'm not done talking to you!" She glared, and I turned to her, raising an eyebrow.

She placed both hands on her hips, "Don't be that late again, though." She pursed her lips at me. "I've only let you stay the night because of what he was going through."

"Don't worry." I climbed up to my bedroom, unfazed. "I'm never going back again."

I've been on my bed for too long, staring at the creepy emptiness of the ceiling. My brain had started to create unusual figures on it's own due to how bored it got.

I then found myself staring at my phone, fingers sliding through the gallery, searching for any pictures I had with Marcus, hoping there were any memories left for me to cherish, alone, without him.

I had come across the video of him wearing his tux with black sunglasses that rested on his forehead, he was at Rafael's party, where I first met him.

And there I was, clinging into Mikhail's arm, like a lost kid who couldn't let go of her protector.

That part of the video got me realizing he was never annoyed by me clinging into him, even when we were nothing but strangers, he actually seemed to like it. He was completely unbothered.

"And there she is.." Marcus pointed his cup of champagne at me while grinning at the camera. "Mikhail's unknown fake date finally revealed!" He then leaned closer to me, "Care say 'Hi' to the camera?!"

I rolled my eyes at the camera. "Get away from me." I then walked away with curled lips.

I chuckled at my phone, wishing to go back to the those days, when I had no clue about what was to happen next.

Dammit.

I wished I did say Hi to the camera.

"Well, guys." Marcus pressed into his lips, blinking at the camera. "She's a little mean, but I guess that's what Mikhail's into. Badasses."

Suddenly my eyes were lead on a message from Marcus popping up my notifications. I sprung up my bed, feeling both terror and excitement.

I clicked on the message, a little bit frightened to read.

Hey, Eve.

Ew, Eve, Sorry. Should I even call you that? I don't know, It has always been Mikhail's only favorite word to say. But coming from me now made me feel as if I'm interfering in you guys relationship, which is a phenomenal one, by the way. You have no idea how much you make Mikhail happy. Yes, he may not say that often, but I sure as hell see it through his eyes. So congratulations for that, step sis. ;) Anyway, your lovely little romance is not our subject right now.

I'm sending you this, because I'm about to make the worst decision ever. And yes, before scolding me, I know it's a dumb thing to do, and that it's against law, too. But oh Evelyn, there's nothing I enjoy more than breaking laws. :) I've never liked being an FBI agent, it's boring as hell. Being a mafia member was one of my certainly peak moments in life, it has made me realize who I truly am, and what I truly want in this world. I want nothing but Mikhail's happiness, which is you, nowadays, you lucky thing. And your happiness means Mikhail's happiness, which means I get to be happy, too. That's how the cycle works.

So I'm texting you this for the last time, maybe. Fortunately, I could be too lucky to survive it. But, I don't think so. And I'm sorry, It might be a little bit selfish from me, I know, but it's the only worse right thing I have to do.

So wish me luck, sis. Also, don't tell Mikhail about this. And no matter what happens, do not ever feel guilty of it. Nothing here is your fault. Don't ever regret the choices you make. And never question Mikhail's love to you, If he ever hurts you, if he ever pretends not to care or if he pushes you away, do not surrender your love to him. Trust me on this, he's never been happier to get you back again in his life.

And I've never been happier I got to meet that one person Mikhail loves the most.

All my love goes to you both,
Good bye, forever.

I shut off my phone, rivers of tears falling down my cheeks that were shrivelled enough to handle more drops of angst.

There must have been a problem with the phone's signal at the time he sent the message, but I'd never been much happier to get his blessings at such moment.

I felt betrayed, as if Marcus had betrayed my trust for him. But it kind of set peace to my heart knowing he was content with his chosen fate, knowing that he chose to end his story that way, no matter how futile that was, I felt content the same way he did.

May you rest in peace, Marcus. My only truest best friend to ever be.

I whipped the tears off my cheeks, and sent that text to him.

Our very last conversation.

Then I got off my bed, exhaling a deep breath.

Marcus was right, I should not surrender my love to Mikhail. He could hurt me, he could push me away, he could deny his feelings for me as much as he wanted.

But I would never let that love go in vain.

It was already midnight, I wasn't sure whether to sneak out of the house at such time and go fix things between him or just wait till tomorrow morning.

But life had taught me not to waste a single minute on choosing things I was not feeling from my deep heart, life had taught me to put myself in risk, or else I would have never been able to live it the right way.

The moment I placed my hand on the locked window, I found that Mikhail had climbed already, gazing at me with passion, waiting for me to let him in.

I let out a gasp, a shiver of anxiousness rushed down my spine as I unlocked my window for him.

He didn't enter, he just leaned outside my window and kept staring at me.

My eyes. My lips. My soul.

His gaze showed more remorse than his lips could have ever uttered with words.

He clenched his jaw and glanced down. "I'm very broken, more than you could ever think. And I need help..." He looked at me with a stutter, his eyes swelled with tears and his lips trembled. "I need your help." He frowned, drops of tears ran down his cheeks.

My eyes watered. I pulled him into my arms, wrapping them around his neck. "I'm always going to be here. Reach for me whenever you need help, Mikhail, I can always be your escape."

He rested his head on my shoulder, gripping tight to my waist, as he let out short gasps of agony. "Let's not fight anymore." he whispered.

I shook my head, stroking the back of his hair. "I'm not willing to ever fight you."

He slowly pulled away, eyes burning red. I whipped off the tears on his cheeks, placing a kiss on his forehead.

He really was broken, and he chose to finally reveal that side of him to me.

We were resting on bed together, more like cuddling, under the blanket, turning on a background movie that we never payed attention to.

My hand was on his chest, listening more of his heart beats. His fingers were running through my hair, and I closed my eyes, letting the warmth of his presence sink into my heart and soul.

I suddenly heard him letting out a chuckle."A self centered manipulator." he giggled, and I rolled my eyes at how specifically he had remembered a detail of such a very old argument. "Seriously, Evelyn?"

"Okay, come on!" I pulled away from him, looking at him with an awkward grin. "It was a moment of anger, you know I spit shit I don't actually mean."

He smirked a bit, reaching for me as he pulled me on his lap. "You look dumb when you're angry."

"Oh, trust me.." I raised my eyebrows and tilted my head. "You look even dumber. Angry or not."

He narrowed his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I laughed out, wrapping my arms around his neck as I pulled him in for a kiss.

I let out a sigh, my forehead resting on his. "I don't want you hiding anything from me again, Mikhail." I closed my eyes, brushing my nose to his. "I want you to show me who you really are," I slowly ran my hands down his heart. "Share with me what you feel deep in there. The worst of it."

He nodded, gripping my waist. "No more secrets, Love."

"Mhm." I nodded with a smile, cupping his cheeks. "No more secrets."

I then opened my eyes and curiously grinned at him.

"Oh, no." He tilted his head, confusedly raising an eyebrow. "What's that grin?"

"We should tell each other our deepest insecurities!" I said, and he was pretty much not into it as his eyes widened with surprise.

"To use that against me?" He knitted his brows, teasingly. "Hell no!"

"Come on..." I shook his shoulders. "It's gonna be fun!"

He rolled his eyes, letting out a sigh. "You go first."

"Okay, so.." I twitched my lips. "My biggest insecurity is my body shape."

"You mean the fit one with an hourglass waist?" He narrowed his eyes, kind of irritated by me feeling insecure about it.

"People use to body shame me for being skinny..." I pouted, looking at my fingers which I was unconsciously playing with. "They say girls with curves look a lot better.., while I naturally look like a skeleton."

"They called you a skeleton?!" he knitted his brows with both rage and concern.

"No, that was just an exaggeration." I widely smiled and he chuckled at me. "But they keep making fun of me for not being able to ever gain weight. And it deep down hurts me, you know?"

"You're beautiful the way you are." He leaned closer, placing kisses on my neck and cheeks. "There's nothing wrong with you, Eve. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

I giggled a bit from all his kisses on me. "Thank you, Mikhail." I smiled, looking down, incapable of holding my tears. "I really needed to hear that."

He tucked hair behind my ears. "Sure, Love." He smiled.

"Your turn!" I tilted my head with a curious look.

He sighed and I gave him a moment to think. His frown seemed to show how lost he was wandering through his own thoughts.

"Remember that scar I showed you?" He slowly looked towards me, and I pursed my lips. "The burnt one."

I nodded, pursing my lips. "How'd you get it?"

"I used to burn myself." He choked out, as though it had been a shredding sword stuck between his lungs. As though he had been waiting to admit that his entire life. "Back in the mafia days, I used to self harm with a heated metal every time I tortured someone with it. And till this day, I've hated myself for it."

I took in a deep breath to process all of it, and I reached for his cheeks to stroke. "How did that make you feel?" I tried to show a normal reaction.

"Like I was put into place." He looked at me, his eyes carrying a feeling of shame. "These guys deserved it, but so did I. There was no escape from that reality, and I had to wake myself to it by any means necessary."

It felt heart wrenching to realize the way he thought about himself, it was never his fault being a bad guy, he was forced to, everything lead him to doing so. He shouldn't have been that harsh on himself.

"Do you ever feel like doing it again?" I concernedly wandered his eyes.

For a moment, he stared at me with sorrow and despair. "Not anymore." His lips turned to a wide smile as he shook his head. "I'm no longer damaged, thanks to you."

I smiled a bit, glancing at his arms. "Can I see it?"

He took off his shirt, and I noticed his biceps flexing. I looked at the burnt scar on his upper arm, then glanced at Mikhail, kind of stuttering to touch it.

He understood my signals and reached for my fingers as he slowly placed them on his scar. I began to softly caress it with tenderness.

"I think it makes you beautiful." I said, warmly gazing at him.

He smiled, and closed his eyes, leaning his head on my chest with much comfort as he let me caress his sensitive skin. "Yeah?"

I placed a kiss on his head, stroking his hair. "Yes."

"We should spend the whole day together tomorrow." He suggested.

"Really?!" I excitedly grinned. "Are you free from work?"

"I will be for you."

_______

[Fatile] (adj.) : incapable of producing any useful results; pointless.

....

Book is getting darker and darker, I knowww.

But trust the process, I guess? ;)

So now we know why Mikhail had always been acting strangely sometimes, it was because of his bipolar disorder.

Our mental health is really an important thing to take care of, it affects our life, relationships and work situations.

For anyone who's struggling with any disorder at that matter, stay strong and safe. You're not alone out there <33