It was the summer of a new century, sweet autumn clematis was in full bloom outside an old, American house surrounded by Olive trees and Autumn clematis. It was the twenty-seventh day of June when I gave birth to three babies. The babies slept in a cradle, with the tinkling of the wind chimes above them. I lay on the bed and looked at the cradle surrounded by all my friends and my mom. Nine months of sacrifices and now I felt like I had the whole world into my hands.

"Just look at them," One of my friends was fawning over the blonde triplets, "They are beautiful!"
"They just look like your husband,"
"Yeah, they look like Harn," I smiled and got up, "That one is Maple, that is Loraine and that one will be Ember," 

"Which kind of name is Ember? So weird," Harnston entered the room and everyone else walked out.
"It's cute. It means a piece of wood or coal that is not burning but is still red and hot after a fire has died. That's the kind of person he'll be, brave even when everything else seems to fall, like a...like a sailor!" I laughed.

"You really like sailors, don't you?" He smiled.
"Well, it was my childhood fantasy to marry a sailor and explore the world," She laughed, "I was a funny kid,"
"All kids are funny," He peeped inside the cradle. Suddenly, one of the babies opened his eyes and looked at him. His face reflected into his Prussian blue eyes.

"Oh my God, honey! Look, his eyes are just like yours!" Aed squealed "I wished they would get your blue eyes, unlike my brown eyes. After all, your eyes are what made me fall in love with you at first sight,"
Harnston stared at Ember. He leaned towards him and picked him up.

"He is...very pretty," He smiled. 
I was happy I could have Harn's kids.

But that happiness was soon taken away from me when we Ember wouldn't stop crying. He won't sleep, he won't eat, all he did was cry day in and day out. So, we decided to have a visit to his paediatrician. He told us it was a stomach infection and gave him the required medication. He ate for a day or two, but as soon as the medication stopped, he was back to square one. His paediatrician had a thorough examination of him, his stomach was the problem and he recommended we take him to a specialist. 

Doctor Audrey, a pediatric gastroenterologist in Kansas. We travelled all night, and once we met her, she took one look at him and told us that it was something serious. I asked her if it was fatal, and she answered in affirmation. I had never felt more devastated. She had him in ICU, my seven days old baby, and did a CT scan, and what came out of it, I never imagined it.

"Your baby...He has a rudimentary stomach, it's not fully developed,"

What?
Ember was born without an upper part of his stomach that connected a normal person's mouth to their stomach. Instead, it was connected to his windpipe, causing him difficulties breathing too. He was immediately taken to the operation theatre, Loraine and Maple were taken into my mother's custody while Harn and I were in Kansas. She carried the surgery where she cut through the abnormal connection between the windpipe and oesophagus and then sewed the two ends of the oesophagus, forming a proper stomach. Another surgeon repaired the windpipe, a week after the surgery, he seemed normal. 

"He'll never be normal, some complications might emerge as his organs grow with his body.
And please bring him for checkups every six months so that we can monitor his body,"

We had spent all our savings that Harn has collected to startup his business on Ember's surgery and post surgery care. Harn was very upset. 
"It would've been better if we didn't have him at all,"
"Harn! Don't say that!"
"I will say it! Everyone else has kids too! Then, why only he is like this?!"

These things only bring the morale of a kid down. I never made him feel that he is special. Ember started speaking and walking much before his brothers. He was good with coordinate movements and could multitask. He would remember a promise made by me till the next month. I won't call him gifted though because he had special needs. He needed to eat more to gain enough nutrition for growth. He was always this weak, skinny kid who all other kids would bully to beat up. But Maple and Loraine would always protect him. 

Maybe his illness brought them closer. 
They would always be together, and whenever I looked at them, I wished, 

I wished they would be together even after I'm gone.

He was beginning to a bit weight, when suddenly one day, I remember being at the beach. He ran towards me with Maple and Loraine beside me, he fell on his knees. I ran towards him, "Ember, what happened?!"
"It hurts, mom,"

"He'll never be normal,"

All I wanted to be was a happy mom with my three little angels.
"He can't run. He says his stomach hurts when he does,"
Medications increased and so did the hospital bills.
His built was frail and he would fall seriously ill every summer, around his birthday. He was never able to celebrate his birthday in good health. No doctor could answer what it was.

All they told her was that he wouldn't make it till his twenties. I was afraid that I might lose my son before my eyes. 
"Dad, I want to participate in the swimming conest!" Maple clapped his hands.
"Sure, son,"
"Me too!" Ember said.
"No, your doctor has told you not to run,"

I would see him sitting beside the window in the living room, just staring at all other kids in the neighbourhood cycle and run with his brothers. And it broke my heart. I would sit beside him, "Ember, wanna play cards with mommy?"

"Mommy," Ember looked at me.
"Yes, dear," 
"Will I never be able to run?"

I had never felt so hopeless. No parenting book had an answer to this. Yes, you'll never be able to run. Your abdominal muscles aren't strong enough. You'll probably end up in a wheelchair by the time you're a teenager. How could I tell this to my child?

"Are I sick?" He asked.
"No, you are not sick. You know, Ember, God takes something from those people who are special and you are one of them. You are special Ember since God has your ability to run,"
"Where do I find God?"
"In heaven. Why?"

"When I grow big, I will walk to heaven and ask him to give my ability to run back to me," He smiled. I can't...watch him. I quickly get up and run out of the room with tears in my eyes, I don't want him to die.

"Get away from me!" Harnston shouted as he pushed Ember.
"Honey! What are you doing?" I picked him up.
"I'm tired of paying for this little shit!"
"He needs our help-We can't abandon him!"
"I can and I will. It isn't too late to throw him in some orphanage. They'll deal with him!"
"I will never!"

Harnston didn't care how his words would affect Ember. He was cheerful but that was disappearing and the rate at which he was changing was overwhelming.
"Mommy, I'm defected, right?" Ember asked one day.
"No Ember, you are fine,"

"Then, why does dad hate me?" 
"He doesn't hate you, baby. How can anyone ever hate my darling?"
"Do I make you sad?"
"You don't,"
"Then, why are you always crying?" He asked. 

"It's because...I'm just so happy to have you, these are tears of happiness,"
"People cry when they are happy?"
"They do,"

The business was on a continuous downfall and Harnston only got more frustrated as the days passed. And, he released all that frustration on his kids. Maple and Loraine would run away but Ember couldn't so it was usually him. He would even me if I would try to intervene. Soon, he asked for a divorce and I was more than happy to leave him. The court gave Ember's custody to him while I had Maple and Loraine under my care.

I remember, standing in that old home surrounded by olive trees and Sweet Autumn Clematis. Mother had sent for a car to pick us at the airport, I was going back to England with Mape and Loraine. I got on my knees and looked at Ember, she looked into his blue eyes, "Are you going out, mommy?" He asked. I nodded, "Yes, mommy has to leave now,"

"When will you be back?" He smiled.
"Soon, darling," I run my fingers along with his blonde hair one last time, feeling the wounds on his head, "Tell me, Ember, where do you see yourself in ten years?"
"I don't know," He smiled, "Perhaps, with you,"

I look at you, and I just love you so much, it's terrifying what I would do for you.

I remove the silver necklace from my neck and put it on yours, "Take care of this," She smiled.
"I won't lose it!" 
I smiled, "Good boy,"

My fingers move away from your wounded skin as I hear the car horn behind me. The last time I touch you, kiss you, see you, the last time, this is it. 
"Goodbye, Ember,"
"Goodbye, Mommy. I'll miss you,"

He knows I won't return.
I can't pretend to be oblivious, he is precocious.

This sadness, it's eating me away. Soon, I am diagnosed with ovarian cancer and start counting days to my death. Loraine and Maple miss Ember, but as the years pass, they forget him, as all children do. But I know he won't forget them because he can't. He's special.

I sit beside my window, my heartbeat fades away in the pain of loss and disease. I know I will never be able to see you again, baby, but I hope, you find a love you don't have to question.

Love
Mom'

Loraine closed the diary. Now after ten years, he still had the diary with him. The yellow cover of the diary was brown and greasy. He would occasionally read it and remember her. Then, kept it back inside the drawer of his chest. He looked at his computer, he had an email from Elford, 

"I have seen the reports, 
I want to discuss certain things once I'm there,"

-To be continued

Ember Helberg
Can't I Touch Your Heart?