"So, I got this camera for my seventh birthday and I, I am gonna record everything in it. This is going to be my video diary," Ember spoke as the camera pointed towards a park, with little kids playing around on the swings. He turned the camera towards himself, 

"Hej, mommy! Happy mother's day! I'm seven!" Ember looked at the camera with a smile. The little window in his mouth through his broken teeth peeped into darkness. He had small, red freckles on his cheeks and big, blue eyes.
"I learnt how to cook this summer. Daddy says it's not what boys do, it is what girls do.
But work has no gender, mommy. If you love it, you do it, don't you, mommy?
I've been a good boy, mommy,"

The tape ended into sudden darkness and suddenly Ember reappeared again, looking a bit older, "I'm eight, mommy! I like drawing! My teacher says she likes my drawing. Look, I made this for you," He picked up a paper with a fangled picture of a star, "I drew you! Daddy says you're a star now, so I'm standing under the sky right now," He looked up at the stars, "Can you see this, mommy?" He pointed the painting to the sky, "Look, you look the same. I am talented! I want to be an astronaut mommy so that I can meet you. I miss you, mommy,"

The tape ended into darkness again and Ember reappeared again, looking yet older, "I'm ten today, mommy. We are at a hospital. My stomach wasn't stopping to hurt. It always hurts but this time it was unbearable, so dad got me here," He looked skinny and pale, "They say my stomach has a problem, they need to cut me open," He looked down, "I'm sacred, mommy,"

The tape faded into darkness and Ember reappeared in front of it, with a mug in his hand, standing in a balcony, "Hello, mom! Happy mother's day. I'm eleven now! It's been a year since that surgery. And my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. But I need to take nasty pills for the rest of my life, just so that it continues... not hurting. Ridiculous, right?" He took a capsule and chugged it down his throat and drinking the water in the mug, "Ugh! Gross! But hold up, there are three more!"

The tape faded into darkness and Ember appeared again, "Hello, mom," He looked much older, maybe a pre-teen by then. His voice was deeper and his eyes had grown smaller, "Happy fourteenth birthday to me!" He opened a gift box with a birthday cone still on his head, "I'm ill currently, but I'll still have ice cream because I am a bad bitch who loves ice cream," He took a bite from the ice cream Sunday kept beside him, "So, yeah I'm sick apparently. It's called, what's it called again? Conversion disorder. It's like, you feel pain which isn't actually there, it's all in your head. Strange, right? Like, am I insane or what?" He laughed but soon stopped, "...I should stop making these diaries. It's pointless, ain't like..." 

He started sobbing, "Ain't like you're coming back. Look, I know we can't see each other right now but I still love you more than ever, mom. I really wish I was with you. Both of us shining in the sky, while everything down here is left ugly," He broke down before the camera, "I'm tired of these increasing pills. I have to grab a handful of them just to make it to the next day. Why did you make me like this, mom? Please, make this stop. I want to be like everyone else. I want to live, mom. There's this girl I really want to see again,"

Ember switched off the camera and looked down the window, sitting on his bed. Maple and Loraine stood beside him, they had all grown up. 
"You didn't take your pills again?" 
"I did," Ember continued looking out of the window.
"Then, why did you feel weak?"
"...I don't know,"

"Please don't tell me you haven't developed an immunity," Maple shuddered.
"I don't know,"
"That's it. I'm calling, Elford,"
"I've hit up Jack already,"
"You still think this is all psychological? You are in real pain, Ember. This is not psychological, something is eating you up inside!" Loraine walked towards him.

Ember looked at Loraine, hatefully.
"Why can't we let Elford examine you?" Maple asked.
"I don't wanna get examined,"
"You know the problem is physical this time, don't you?"

Ember looked down, "I don't know,"
"Stop answering that! Who else would know if not you?!" Loraine yelled and Maple held him back, "Calm down,"
Ember looked down, "I don't know, maybe that's what we have doctors for, big brain Loraine. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have tried everything to fix it, therapy, surgery, medicine, it's not working anymore. We are at a dead-end,"

"That's why I said call Elford," Loraine advised.
"I'm not calling Elford. I don't want to go under the knife again. Why don't you understand, I don't like being cut open. It hurts. Post-surgery pain is excruciating, Loraine"
"But it'll help you," Maple said.
"Did it help me?" Ember asked.

They both looked down.
"Please, leave me alone. I need some time by myself,"
"Okay," Loraine and Maple walked out of his room and closed the door. He got a text from Rhea and threw his phone aside, laying on his bed, "I'll do it for you, Rhea,"

Meanwhile, Rhea reached home. It was late. Her mother stopped her and asked her why she was late. Rhea told her she was with a friend. He took her to the woods to show her a bunch of fireflies.
"That boy is mad! You shouldn't be around him," She advised, "Who takes a girl to a forest so late?"
"It was only seven in the evening, and he was with me,"
"What if he did something to you?"

"Mom, he's not like that. He's nice," Rhea smiled. Her mother narrowed her eyes, 
"He is a boy, Rhea. Boys are not good for girls. I have more experience than you,"
"Yeah? How many boys did you talk to when you were young?"
"None, and so shouldn't you,"
"Mom, he came to meet me all the way from America after all,"
"What?"

"He and I were best friends, we met when I was living in Kerela, with grandmother,"
"Wait, that one blonde kid, that one?"
"How do you know him?" Rhea asked, surprised.
"I saw him in your grandmother's photo album," She smiled, "She always used to talk about him after coming back from Kerela,"

"Where is that album now?"
"Must be in her old house, inside that huge trunk she had in the living room,"
"Do you have the keys to her old house?"
"Yes, but why do you want to go there? It's been abandoned for ten years now, no one goes there,"

"I want that picture," Rhea smiled.
"Fine, I'll give you keys for it. Go with your dad, not alone,"
"Okay!"
"But, it still does not mean you should be around me. Keep it minimal. He is a boy,"
"Mom, I will marry a boy one day. This is so stupid, you expect me to spend my life with a man without ever interacting with boys. Woah, that makes so much sense!"

"Our culture doesn't allow it. What if neighbours see you with him, what will they say?"
"Why do we care what they will say?"
"Because we live in a society, Rhea. We have a reputation to keep. Now, go to your room. We are not talking any further about this,"

Later that evening, Rhea convinced her dad to take her to her grandmother's old house the coming weekend. He seemed to see it himself and agreed immediately. That weekend, they went to that old, wrecked house. It was growing weeds from the walls and about a centimetre thick dust-covered on the floor. The glasses over the windows were broken, the furniture was eaten away by mites. Rhea looked around for a metal trunk while her father looked around, through the remnants of his childhood.

Rhea saw a big, metal trunk and opened it. She looked inside at her grandmother's sarees, some accessories, old makeup, everything covered in dust that escaped through the trunk's opening. Finally, she looked at a glass photo frame, covered with dust. She moved her fingers over the dusty glass, to reveal a picture of little Rhea and Ember, standing with a firecracker in their hands. She looked at his blue eyes, there were no wrinkles surrounding them anymore, no fine lines on his forehead, just smooth red cheeks and ocean blue eyes. They were holding hands and smiling at the camera,

"He is a boy, Rhea,"

Her mother's words didn't seem to escape her mind. What happiness does this "reputation" bring them? It only locks them in norms made by society. Why was the ugly vision of society deciding her friendships? Weren't they a free nation? Couldn't she talk to anyone she wanted to?
"We can't even hold hands anymore without people judging our character," Rhea mumbled,
"Everything has changed..."

-To be continued

Ember Helberg
Can't I Touch Your Heart?