If I am out on the road between 2 and 5 pm I am going to stop at Stars Drive-In. That is a no-brainer. During that time you can get any soda or frozen drink for just one dollar. When I do make it out there I will order a Magnum 44 ounce lime slushie. It is a huge semi frozen slushie filled drink with the best crushed ice, sugar, and limes you can get. It's a wonderful brain freeze waiting to happen and worth every penny, even at it's original price. Hell, I'm drinking it right now.

Stars is one of those drive up outside dining restaurants where they bring you the food to your car. Hit the button, order, and before you know it some high schooler is running out to your car with the best overpriced junk food money can buy. I really don't ever eat there though. But if it's between 2 and 5, and I am close by, and I can scrounge a dollar in change off the floorboard of my car, -I'm there.

Today I drove into Stars and there was only one other car there. Well, actually it was huge black truck with a Mexican-American family in it. I parked in my fave spot, which happened to be right next to the black truck. I could hear the driver yelling at the speaker while ordering his meal. It was painful.

"I say I want a bummer!"

"A what?"

"A bummer! A bummer!"

"I don't undestand what you want sir!"

"A buuuummer. Ju don't know bummers?"

"A hamburger sir? What kind?"

"No pendejo I say bummer! Ju no have bummers?"

"Oh a bomber, like a jalapeno bomber?"

"Jes Jes jalapenos! A bummers!"

"Oh okay...yeah....we don't have bombers."

"Orale". He looks at his wife. "No tienen bummers."

"Sir, we have munchers."

"Que son mooouuuunchers?"

"Well...they are like bombers"

"Pos okay, da me tres mounchers"

I sat there and listened for five minutes more while the man ordered the rest of his meal. It was rough. Sometimes these things are sad, but mostly they are funny. Neither the man, his wife, nor the employee thought it was funny, but if you were in my car you would have laughed your head off. If you live in South Texas this is just the way things are.

When we were very young we had a lady named Esther stay with us to help my mother, who worked nights as a nurse. Ester became part of our family. Her oldest son Pete came to live with us when he was about nine. Poor kid did not know a word of English. Couldn't speak it to save his life. He enrolled in school with us and to make a long story short- he is now Dr. Pete Martinez. Several years ago I was at my cousins house when Pete and his family came into town for a visit. He and I were sitting with his mother and she was explaining to us what had happened at work that day (she speaks only Spanish). Pete had this puzzled look on his face. When she was finished he looked at me and said, "What did she say?". He did not understand a word she said. It was hilarious. The guy grew up speaking only Spanish, left up state for a while, and came back needing a translator to understand his mom.

That's just the way things are. I have had many friends go leave the valley for a while and come back with some weird accent or twang in their voice. Talk about susceptible. I guess it's part of our nature to change with our surroundings, though I don't feel I ever would. That's just me.

There is a saying here,- the best thing about the Rio Grande Valley is that it is so close to the United States. We are both in the United States and not in the United States. It is surreal. Around here you can call a local business and find yourself talking to someone that does not know a word of English. And you know what? You are the one that looks like an asshole for not knowing Spanish. Welcome to the Rio Grande Valley.

I don't mean to make this place look that bad. There are a lot of great things about the Rio Grande Valley. Things such as fajitas, mollejas, menudo, tortillas, and rice and beans come to mind. But that is pretty much it. The rest is a jungle you have to muddle through.

I went to a Chinese restaurant once and sat next to a white couple who couldn't order their food because the Chinese waitress knew only Chinese and Spanish. The guy was like, "Are you fucking serious? She knows Spanish but not English?" He looked at me for help. I felt like leaning over to them and saying the words of comedian Paul Rodriguez, "Hey ese, jour in America now! Speak Spanish!" But instead I just smiled and said, "No hablo Ingles". They worked it out though. Turns out the menu had pictures.

It's all good, I guess. We all make it work somehow. The family next to me got their order in and seemed satisfied. As for me, I try do my part every day to help better the situation. When the man finished ordering his meal I pressed the button to order mine.

"Welcome to Stars can I take your order?" I couldn't help it. "Ah jes, do ju have bummers?"