She didn't know what had happened, she couldn't say how it happened. Everything had been so choked up for her that even though she was supposed to be happy about the competition she had won, happy that she had given her soul what she wanted since she knew what loving something meant, happy that she didn't lie to her mother, it became a fruitful lie, but she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be. She didn't know what changed him, he wasn't his old self anymore. Talking about his old self would be much easier, she hardly recognized who he was now. She didn't see him, and even if she did, the way he looked gave her no chance of uttering a word to him. Jalilah had spent days wondering what was wrong with Yazeed, if he was thinking about his mother and sister he should at least let her know, maybe she could do something about it, maybe she could help him to the best of her ability.

But sadly, she knew it wasn't just about Ummi and Amina, what had changed him was beyond that. Was it why he apologized to her that day? Was it why he had kissed her on her forehead knowing there was no way he could look at her face again? It was as clear as the morning sky, Yazeed was avoiding her with all it took, he didn't want to be in her company. Hell, he even cringed if she spoke to him. That was why she stopped doing all that, that was why she kept her lane. And today, they were finally going back to Abuja, she didn't know what that meant.

These past three months had been a rollercoaster for her, she couldn't say exactly what they meant to her or point out a finger at one emotion to say she fully developed it through those months. There was a time she was in so much grief that she didn't think she could come out of alive. But then there were times she was so happy, excited to even believe she had been in that so much pain. And there were times she felt as if she wasn't the one because he made her heart did the things she had never felt in her life. Yazeed was a mixture of all good and bad in her life, she just wasn't sure which outweighed the other yet.

'You two are in love.' There was never a second which had passed without her feeling these words echoing through the walls of her mind. And each time she sat down and wondered what Farha meant if she had seen what she told her, she came out of it blank. Because she couldn't see the love in the way Yazeed treated her. She might admit that he showed her care, he was attentive to him if he wanted to. He was nice to her when he felt like, laugh with her, smile at her to the point that she knew his smile had melted a huge part of her heart. If he felt like it, Yazeed sat with her and have a deep conversation that she would feel as though she had known him for all the years of her life, but that wasn't the only part he had.

That wasn't the only version of Yazeed.

There was a version of Yazeed that could hurt her to the point that she would have a sudden urge of giving up on life itself. There was a version of Yazeed that whenever he spoke to her, she would wish that he ignored her existence at a whole and never looked back. There was a version of him that hated her, was disgusted by her, despised her to the point that a word from him crushed every good thing she had accommodated in her soul. There was also a part of him that didn't like to stare at her face, hated it when she spoke to him so he made sure she didn't see him at all. There was a part of him that even if she saw him, spoke to him, initiated a conversation, Yazeed would act as if she wasn't there. As if she didn't mean anything to him, which she sadly knew. She didn't mean anything to him. Just that when he wanted to be the good version of himself, he tended to forget what he looked like, what he made her feel, how bitter he tasted, on days he wanted to become her ruination.

She softly turned to look at him, he was seated beside her in the plane but one could tell she was a total stranger to him. Now she wondered about it, she wondered if she wasn't that as well. But she knew she was more than a stranger to Yazeed. Even though she didn't accept his offer of being his friend, she knew she wasn't a stranger to him. He had held her hands, laughed with her, smiled at her, cried on her shoulder. There were even times he ate with her, most of the times. There were times they cooked together, times he held the phone for her as she cooked, times they conversed like soulmates and he wiped her tears away. Hell, he had a pinky promise with her, he felt bothered whenever she didn't speak to him and had her lips pouted at one thing he did or the other. They painted together, he told her he loved her paint. He helped her fixed back her veil, he made her feel safe, hell, he even played the piano for her while she danced ballet.

Maybe Farha was right, maybe they were in love. Because all that she had thought of, even friends couldn't do that. But she certainly knew that there was a correction to Farha's words. 'You two are in love' that didn't seem right for her. It wasn't right. Because as she turned to look at him, just the side view of him had set her heart in fire and she wished she could see him smile again. Maybe Farha should have said, 'You're in love with him, Jalilah.' She would certainly have doubted her that time, but now it was clear to her. Just like the way the dark sky wrapped itself and have the clear morning sky on the canvas.

Is it real that she loved him? She asked herself, but when she turned to look at him and he had turned briskly which made their eyes met, she held his eyes for a few seconds before he looked away, as if she wasn't there. As if he didn't know that she wanted him to speak to her, for him to hold her hand and just let her breath. He didn't have to apologize if he wanted, she realized she had missed him more than she could ever voice out. And the way her heart moved, Jalilah only realized today that she had fallen in love. She loved Yazeed Adam Bunza. She knew it was the cruellest thing she could ever do to her heart, but there was no backing out now, she loved him.

Their flight landed and they walked out together without a word shared. Wafiyya and Sulaiman were waiting for them at arrival and after they had claimed their luggage, they entered their cars and drove off. She sighed and Wafiyya turned to look at her, she had realized how grief-stricken she looked, "What happened, Jalilah? Are you fighting with him again?" She asked because she didn't miss the way they didn't even look at each other before they entered the cars and left. Which didn't look like them, she knew it wasn't how they acted with each other.

Jalilah sighed and ruefully smiled at Wafiyya, "I don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't seem to be himself. But it's only good that we're back here, at least I can have some people to talk to." She didn't want to go with the details with her, she didn't even know how she was going to start telling her even if she wanted to. Was she going to tell her that she had fallen in love with her cousin? How foolish will that make her sound? Because she knew she was stupid for falling in love with Yazeed. She had a lot of men at her hand with whom she should have fallen in love with, Jibril to start with. But she didn't, solely because they weren't the ones she wanted.

"You don't look yourself either. Are you sure you can move into his house or you need time for yourself? You can stay in your apartment for some time." Jalilah quickly shook her head, she knew better than to do that.

"I'm sure Uncle Yusuf has assigned someone to look over that house, Mama told me she has told him already, but even though he sounded so pissed and right now he didn't share any words with her, I know he will have someone to look over the house, he wants to see if there will be any suspicious. I think I'll just pack my things and move to his house before I can get the perfect way to get myself out of the mess I've created. I don't know it will be so stressful like this, how do I get myself out of this?"

She sighed and palmed her face, leaning back onto the sofa as she thought of the possible way to get herself out of this mess. Before she left, she thought it would be easy walking out of it than getting into it looked so hard. They had initially planned with Farha that she might say he had divorced her, but she knew she couldn't do it. It would crush Mama more than the news of her getting married to him unknowingly did. Even to her ears, it sounded depressing. She couldn't imagine being married to Yazeed only to be divorced with him at last. She would prefer she hadn't gotten married to him in the first place. Because she was certain their memories would haunt her forever. She had to call Farha, she will surely find a solution to her problem.

They arrived at the house and Jalilah checked her bag for the key, luckily she didn't forget to bring it out. They entered the house, it was so dusty that before they went ahead to start packing, they had to clean it lightly even though they were sure it would be dusty again. She kept smiling sadly, Baba had once lived in this house, when he had a project to work on in Abuja, since then sometimes he would just bring them to Abuja even after he was done with the project. It had so many pleasant memories of her beautiful little family.

After they had cooked lightly and ate, they went to her room and began packing. She sighed after she had brought out all her clothes and stared at them on her bed, "I don't know if what I'm doing is right, Wafiyya." She felt the words were forcing themselves out of her chest, she couldn't hold them back anymore even if she wanted to.

Wafiyya looked up at her from where she sat at the other edge of the bed and she smiled, "I don't know what you feel in your heart, Jalilah. But I know to lie the way you did and to top it living with a man like Yazeed would have been exhausting your energy for a while. You can talk to me, okay?"

Jalilah sat on the edge of the bed and began folding the clothes while they kept stacking them into her boxes, there were a lot of things she wanted to take from this house, but she had to see how his house looked and what she might want to bring from here or buy another. She felt as tears began pooling the brink of her eyes, she was shocked, depressed and so much in pain after she had realized she loved him. It was like walking to a pit of fire, she was certain about that.

"I knew something of this nature would happen, Wafiyya, but I went on with it, while slowly letting myself away. Why would I do this to myself? How can I? I don't even know when it started, I was just realizing it today and it frightened the life out of me." Her voice broke as she spoke, she was afraid. Why would she do this to herself? Why would her heart do this despite knowing it was the one that would suffer the most. She knew he didn't know yet, but she was certain the way the flames of his love burnt her heart, she couldn't hold this a secret for a while.

Wafiyya sighed, but she didn't make any effort to come closer to Jalilah to hug her or say words she knew might calm her down. She didn't even know what she was talking about, but from the way she looked, the tears slowly cascading down her cheeks, Wafiyya knew it was something huge, but she kept silent. She didn't probe her, she just let her voice whatever it was she was holding up in her soul.

"I've always known I'm crazy, Wafiyya. Sometimes I do things recklessly, not even thinking of the consequences or how much I would suffer, but I've never thought I could do this to myself. It's far beyond anything I've done, beyond every decision I've taken which turned out to be the worst decision of my life. It's beyond lying to Mama about being married to Yazeed, beyond living together with him knowing it was capable of happening..."

The gasp that escaped Wafiyya's lips was what stopped her from what she was saying and she looked up at her, she had a frightened expression on her face and her mouth was wide agape, "Did you guys?..." And she shook her head as if she was telling herself she was so ridiculous to even think about it. "No, I can't say that, because I'm sure you wouldn't let that happen even if you want. But, did he rape you, Jalilah? And now he's acting as if it has never happened, right? He's my cousin, I love him and I trust him with all my soul, but you can't trust a man around a woman, maybe he couldn't control himself, right?"

She was in pain, she was at the verge of breaking into tears, but right now what Wafiyya had said made her laughed. She laughed while tears rolled down her cheeks, how could Wafiyya think of this? I mean, she had never thought of something of that nature to happen between her and Yazeed, not even close. Just thinking about it now was making her feel red even though she was certain it would never happen. She shook her head when Wafiyya looked afraid, wondering whether she had gone mad, "Come on, Wafiyya, how could you think about it? No, nothing like that happened. But I think it's far worse than it. Maybe if it was what happened, I might forget about it if I set my heart into even though it would be painful too. But this, he lives deep within my heart, I love him, Wafiyya..." Right there, the tears came back as if she hadn't laughed just some minutes ago. She palmed her face and broke into more painful tears, it hurt more now that she admitted it to someone else, not just her.

"Oh my god! I can't believe this!" Wafiyya palmed her lips and she was just staring at Jalilah as she cried. Jalilah in love with Yazeed? That would be the hardest thing on earth. She knew Yazeed, and right now she wished she could erase his love out of Jalilah's heart because she didn't want her to feel the pain of unrequited love. Because if not for a miracle. Yazeed might never love her back.

She looked at her with tears rolling down her cheeks and grief coated in her eyes, "I can't believe it either. I thought all those things I was feeling about him weren't serious. I was just used to him, we lived in the same house, who wouldn't? With a man as handsome and sophisticated as he is. I'm doomed, I know, don't waste your breath." She shook her head and wished she could take her heart off her chest for a while to feel better.

"I don't know what to say to you that will make you feel better, Jalilah. The worst thing is, I can't give you any hope, I can't promise you that he'll love you back because I know the kind of person he is. I can only apologize to you, and no, you aren't doomed. You can do perfectly without him. You can live your life without him, you've been doing that before you met him, Jalilah. Just be glad you've realized that you're in love with him now, you can put a stop to it. Find a way to remove his love from your heart as fast as you could..."

She didn't want to keep hearing what Wafiyya was saying, it was only making her feel more miserable. She shook her head at Wafiyya, she would never understand. "Have you ever loved someone so deep, Wafiyya? Maybe I realized it late, but right now as we speak, I feel his love in my heart. I can't even find its roots, it's so deep that with each breath I take I feel as if he has lived in my heart ever since I was born. I've been living before I met him, but that's different, Wafiyya. I know him now, he's been in my heart longer than I realized. He has been in my life, it will never be the same." She knew it, she can be dead and be reincarnated, but that still wouldn't change the fact that she loved Yazeed, he had once been in her life, she had made such a great impact in her life to the point that she couldn't feel the roots of his love.

❤︎

It even got worse for her now that she lived in his house, but it had been more than two weeks but she hadn't seen him. The house was spacious enough to hide more than five people and they could together without their paths crossing. Even after she had asked Farha how to erase his love from her heart, they were both clueless. Farha felt guilty that she was the one that made her realized she loved him, but she only did that so maybe they could tame her love for him. Because of the way they saw it moving, she knew even if Yazeed was going to love her back, it was already too late, she would love him the most.

She was cooking in the kitchen, she didn't have anything more to do now, Sulaiman told her not to bother to come to the office, he had taken care of everything, she should just wait for their passing out parade, which would be in a few months. She couldn't believe that so much had changed in less than a year. She was deeply in love with the man that didn't even know she did, everything was choked. She wished she could go back to Adamawa, but she knew she couldn't. From the kitchen window, she could see as the gate opened and he drove inside. What time was it, she quickly looked up at the wall clock and noticed it was already getting to 6 pm. He was back from the company. The last time she had seen him was at the airport, and after he had come out of the car holding his briefcase, Jalilah couldn't take her eyes off him.

She watched the way he meticulously walked into the house and she knew that she couldn't let him slip away this time, she had to face him today. She rushed out of the living room and there he stood, trying to walk on the stairs to his room but he stopped when he saw her. She saw the way his eyes dilated, he seemed delighted that he had seen her. But after a second, his expression changed and he frowned his face trying to walk away. She was tired of playing the game with him.

She walked and stood in front of him, staring deep into his eyes while she silently prayed that she wouldn't cry in front of him, but she could the way her heart was breaking already. Which was a good sign that she was indeed going to cry today? But just staring at him reminded her how she loved him, how hard it had been for her, how she had missed him and even on days she thought she didn't love him, she was just so foolish to realize that. But she was in love with him even then.

"I need to talk to you," she croaked, but to avoid looking into her eyes, Yazeed looked away and shook his head.

"Not now, some other time." He was about to walk beside her when she moved to his way and stood, her eyes were already filled with tears as she shook her head.

"Is this what you apologized for that day? Were you sorry because you know how you're going to treat me, Yazeed? Do you think if not now that I've walked upon you while you're back from work, when will I ever see you?" She was already crying when she was asking him these question, and for a moment he looked guilty about what she had said, but through his eyes, Jalilah saw the way he covered up his guilt and looked somewhat angry. She felt more tears rolled down her cheeks, why of all the men in the world, did she choose this man to fall in love with?

"Get out of my way, I need to get to my room." He spoke with no tenderness attached as if he wasn't the Yazeed that loved it when he looked deeply into her eyes while he spoke to her. She didn't know what had changed, she wasn't asking for anything apart from the fact that she wanted him to treat her like a woman. Not his woman, though. Because he made it clear to her that being his woman came with a price, and she was sure he wouldn't let her pay that price even if she was willing to.

She stubbornly shook her head, clearing her tears with her elbow, "I'm not getting out of your way until you look at me in the eye and tell me what I've done to you. Where I've gone wrong. What was my fault for you to be treating me this bad, Yazeed?"

He looked furious, and by the way, he looked up into her eyes, she had to take a step back, what happened to him? He wasn't like this before she fell in love with him. "What's wrong with you? What do you want me to say to you? Can you please get out of my way?" She could see the way he was trying so hard not to voice whatever it was he was holding in his chest, but she wanted him to say it all out, maybe then she would hate him if he hurt her so badly, maybe then if she was lucky, she 'might' stop loving him.

She got tired of clearing her tears away that she let them cascade down her cheeks without so much care in the world. He had seen her cry even before she was in love with him, why not let him now? "I want you to tell me your reason of treating me this way, I'm not asking for much, Yazeed, I know what you've all said, I haven't forgotten a word out of it. I just want you to treat me like you used to, why is it so hard now? Why do you hardly look me in the eyes? You ignore my whole existence-"

"So what? I ignored your existence because you add little to no value in my life, what more do you expect? That I should be all over you? Pampering and showering you with love or what? Don't be irrational, Jalilah. I've told you before, we went to Lagos together because I wanted to help you achieve your dream, which you did so well, Alhamdulillah. We have no strings attached anymore. As for staying in my house, you can do that as much as you like, I know what's between you and your mother and I don't think I have an idea of how to get you out of the mess you created. What more?"

No, Yazeed, there weren't the words she wanted from you. She wished he could say things like, "Who do you think you are to call your pathetic and desperate self as my wife? Do you know what it takes to be my wife? The prices you have to pay to call yourself my Mrs? Don't you know that you have to be on a certain level of standard for me to consider you as someone worthy of a Mrs title in my life? How could you degrade me like that? At the same time painting yourself as the cheapest woman on earth. Lying about being married when the man doesn't even see you worthy of anything valuable in his life? I thought you've said that love isn't cheap and easy for you?" Maybe then she would be angry and find herself a solution. Or maybe if he said things like, "I'll make this clear to your desperate self, Jalilah. One, I can't love you, and even if I could, I'd choose not to. Second, even in your wildest dreams, don't ever dream of getting me as a husband. Because getting that title in my life isn't cheap, it doesn't come to any type of a girl, not a cheap girl like you! If you'll at least stop pushing yourself on me, I was only trying to help you achieve your dream! I don't want a relationship with you! I don't love you and never would! You can't be the one I love, you lack all things I want in a spouse, set yourself right and stop dreaming fantasies!" She was certain if Yazeed said things like that, she might give it a thought. She might consider to either let go of his love or choose to live with his love in her heart forever.

"This isn't the way you speak to me on days you don't find me worthy of your kindness. Will you please speak with a little outrage? Some bitterness dripping in each word you'll utter in a way that it will crush every wall of my heart? I know I caused this upon myself, why would I lie to Mama? And now I can't stay in my house nor go back to Adamawa because I've already tied myself. Yazeed, please just be the way you're. Hurt me as much as you can, just anything to make me hate you!!!" She didn't know why she yelled at the end and flung the spatula she was holding across the living room. She felt dejected, sad, and disgusted with herself.

He stared at the way she was crying and wished he could hug her until she cried no more, but he knew he couldn't do that. His eyes wandered to the flung spatula and he realized she was cooking, she had always cooked. And he wasn't saying she cooked only for him, but he was sure she cooked every day because of him. He always saw the food but he had never eaten. Sometimes he was sure she only cooked for him because there were days she cooked his favourite, which was for she had told him she hated. He gulped down a lump in his truth, closed his eyes and after he opened them back on her face, her shoulders shook with her cries and she was helplessly staring at him.

If he wanted, he could do what he was sure would make her hate him. But the didn't want her to hate him, he wanted her to keep on being herself around him. He couldn't say she liked him, and to say she loved him was even far away from what they stood to be, but he wanted the Jalilah that always cared about him and wanted to be by him. He shook his head, manoeuvred a space beside and he walked upstairs. He could feel the way her eyes burnt on his retreating back but he didn't look back, because he was certain if he did, nothing could stop him from rushing downstairs and hugging her that instant. He hated it when she was in pain and he was the cause of it.

Jalilah watched until he disappeared from her sight and she stopped herself from slumped on one of the sofas, she walked back to the kitchen crying profusely and turned the gas off. She leaned on the kitchen counter crying so hard that she felt it was only a matter of seconds before her lungs failed her. She sat on the kitchen island and palmed her face and cried harder, she didn't care if the sound of her cries echoed through the walls of the house and he would think low of her. All she wanted for was this pain to go away, his love to wash away, run, or even vanish if it could.

She took her phone and dialled Farha's number, "Farha, please tell me how to hate this man?" She feared the way things were moving, the way she was loving room. She was afraid that if she spent another month with Yazeed, she would love him with the whole of her soul.

Farha was silent for a while and she sighed after that, "Crying again over him? Jalilah I wished I could erase his love in your heart I could. You love him, that's the truth and we can't change. And to tell you to stop loving him will be the hardest pill you'd have to swallow. I don't know how to make you feel better, I don't know how you can stop loving him, Jalilah."

She broke into tears, wishing Farha had said the otherwise, "I love him, Farha, but I wish I can stop loving him." She wished she could.