Dear life,

can I ask you why? Cause that's the only question I can ask right now. It's the only thing that's in my mind, the only thing that I can think about.

I feel that something inside me is falling apart. Crashing and now in a million pieces. It left a void. A space that was once taken but isn't anymore and I don't  even know what's missing. I can feel that I lost it forever but I cannot remember what I once called my own.

So my heart is beating on without knowing why. It lost its purpose. Maybe it's been a soul that I had and that now broke. 

It's empty over here. Quiet. Lonely.

My heart wants to scream. It can't. It does not know what it would have to say. It lost its words. So it screams in silence. Not to be heard by anyone but so desperately wanting to be understood. To be held. To be supported when it didn't even knew that it needed to be.

My mouth is just sayin:

'Yes, I am fine."

Lips smiling but eyes shining. So why? Why does no one see and why can I not simply tell? I am lost. Trapped inside my body, rebelling against a cage that I built myself but can't tear down on my own anymore. 

Deep inside of me something, some part of me knows that we need help. But how should I get help when I can't even say what's wrong?

It's like a black hole inside of me. Breathing isn't easy anymore. Everything's exhausting. I can't move without pain. Pain that no one caused but me. My own thoughts. The storm inside my head that refuses to be silent, to leave me in peace. It is there. And I cannot send it away.

And for all of you out there I built a wall. A giant wall that will keep you out. It cannot be climbed and the door I hid for no one, not even me, to be found. And deep in my heart I still want someone to try. I need someone who understands. Who can look me in the eye and tell:

'No, you're not okay.'

Someone who can make the pain go away, who can fill the void for only a few short seconds.

And nevertheless I know that I want the impossible. No one will see if I don't show. And so I ask: why? Why can I not talk when I so desperately want to. Why can I not make anyone understand? Why was I built to be alone in a world where no one should ever be?

So tell me why! And maybe I can tell my story after all. A story that I don't know yet. But maybe I can find my soul, glue it together and put it back in. Cause I need it. 

So tell me why!