- Four Days BCC-

Ben's eyes shot open. He was awake instantaneously, a sharp pain stabbing him in his chest, heart fluttering arrhythmically, the icy pool of anxiety that filled his stomach radiating outwards spreading it's chill to his limbs. He couldn't breathe. Pulling his trembling arms under the blankets the boy looked around his dimly lit bedroom trying in vain to set his mind at ease. It's ok, he thought curling into a tight ball, there's no one there, you're alone, it's ok.

He felt very small and vulnerable lying in his bed the sensation that the room was growing out, expanding all around him unbearably real. Clenching his fists over his head Ben focused all of his energy on breathing, forcing the air that didn't want to move to flow in and out of his aching lungs. Smell the flowers, blow out the candles, he said silently to himself, smell the flowers, blow out the candles, smell the flowers, blow out the candles...

After a several minutes of repeating the prayer like mantra Ben felt his body begin to relax, the sudden fight or flight of the unexpected panic attack ebbing away slowly. Gradually as the tension left him and his mind began to clear the boy became acutely aware of a pain in his bottom lip making him realize that he had been biting it in his sleep, and probably had been for sometime. There was a bizarre blend of pain and numbness when he touched it, the indentions of his teeth still imbedded in the skin. Running his tongue gingerly over the inside of his mouth where it was bleeding a little Ben frowned, wondering if it would leave a mark.

As he began to fall into an eased sense of peace heart still beating against his ribcage though not as erratically now, Ben tugged the blankets over his head like a hood and closed his eyes. He was tired, he wanted sleep, needed it. Telling himself to fall back into slumber the teen willed it desperately, though without success, to happen. After struggling for what felt like hours in the paradoxical limbo of fighting so hard to fall asleep that he was inadvertently keeping himself awake instead the teen finally started to doze, drool beginning to soak into his pillow.

"Benjamin."

With a strangled half scream Ben jolted upright tears in his eyes, the sharp acidic burn of bile coating the back of his throat and stinging his nose. Searching wild eyed about his bedroom for the source of the disturbingly familiar voice, he trembled violently, taking a few wheezing gulps of air as he backed himself against the wall. Where? he thought with a sob. No! No! No! No! No!

You're alone, it's ok, you're alone, don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about! he repeated mentally, trying to fend off a hellish cacophony of reemerging memory as it clashed hauntingly against fresh nightmare. Feverishly rocking back and forth Ben hit his back against the wall, each blow to the bricks hard enough to knock the wind out of him with a short huff, head jarring forward. Don't think, don't think, don't think! He fretted urgently as the rocking found a comfortable rhythm.

With the constant repeated motion Ben's disquiet began fade, only to be replaced by an overwhelming sense of being dirty. Ben was dirty, everywhere. It made him feel sick to his stomach, and skin crawl. Swallowing past a lump in his throat as he edged towards his nightstand the teen pumped several squirts of hand sanitizer into his palm and began to apply it to his body in a wanton frenzy. Repeating the ritual again, and again until the unnerving feeling passed.

When at last Ben felt more aware of himself, nose burning with the sharp odor of the alcohol gel he looked at the time, 3:57 am. With a sigh the teenager resigned himself to sleeplessness, unwilling and unable to try again. Instead he flipped on his bedside reading lamp, and picked up one of the many books stacked haphazardly around the room with still shaking fingers. This always happened the night before, and the night after therapy, Ben thought as he thumbed through the pages, not always this bad, but it always happened. He wished his mom would stop making him go, it didn't help, it just made things worse.

Locating the passage he had last read Ben settled back against the pillows. 'Daughter of Lord Greeney-' No, Ben shook his head restarting the sentence. 'Daughter of-' No! It was so infuriating, he couldn't quite get his internal voice to match that of the wildcat queen Tsarmina. 'Daughter of Lord Greeneyes. Who said that was to be kept among my list of titles?' he read finally getting it right, a contemptuous smile forming as he eagerly awaited the well deserved karma that was coming for Ashleg.

Quickly engulfed into the fantastical world woven to life by Brian Jacques the teenager lost himself to the schemes and ambitions of fiendish cats, treacherous vermin, and an unlikely band of rebel heroes. Hours ticked by and the teen who ravenously devoured the written word was caught unawares until the melodic chime of his alram sounded lightly on his phone. Closing the book Ben gazed about with bleary confusion as the world of Mossflower wood melted away, leaving only the boring predictably of his room.

Reaching over he unlocked his phone and shut off the clock before stretching his spindly limbs with a yawn. Having all but forgotten the bout of terror that had woken him in the first place the teenager crawled out of bed and wandered to the restroom. Sanitizing again when he returned Ben made his bed with an almost militaristic precision, before tucking the book under his arm and going to the kitchen. There he started to brew of cup of coffee for his mom, setting out the sugar, and creamer beside the machine.

He took his meds and was enjoying a crisp glass of water when she walked in, slippers shuffling against the floor while she worked to sweep her hair up and into a ponytail. "Good morning." she yawned.

"Morning." Ben smiled.

"Did you sleep ok?" she asked pouring herself a mug of the piping beverage.

"Like Rip Van Winkle!" Ben lied with what he hoped was a convincingly a cheery laugh as he rummaged around the cupboard looking for a frying pan. "Want some eggs?"

"It's ok, I can do it sweetie." the woman said her tone off, as she reached to take the pan he had just produced.

"I know, I was just offering." Ben nodded continuing what he was doing.

Out of the corner of his eye the teenager could see his mom hesitate, as if debating whether or not to say something, but thought better of it. "Sure, I'd love some eggs."

Motioning for her to sit the boy cracked the unfertilized chicken ovums into a bowl, fluffing them nauseatingly with a fork. Firmly believing that if everyone knew exactly where their food came from that the debate between adopting a vegan lifestyle would be rendered moot he pouring the yellow slurry into the pan where it skizzled the bottom layer solidifying almost instantaneously. Sloshing the scramble around with a spatula Ben put some bread in the toaster and got out the margarine.

"Ta-da!" he chimed, presenting her the plate when he had finished. His mom applauded before taking the food.

Washing his hands thoroughly Ben made himself a bowl of granola bringing it to the sofa where he settled next to his mother. The pair ate in silence as they watched the news.

"Looks like the economy is tanked." the woman commented, breaking the hush after a while.

"When isn't it?" Ben quipped, before adding. "Its actually a very clever ploy to make this marginal drop in fiscal stability such a hot button topic, given what bills are trying to be pushed through. Congress is on fire right now, and not in the good way." he said gesturing with his spoon.

"Really?" his mom mused looking down at her son, impressed. "How do you stay so we'll informed."

Ben shrugged as if the answer was obvious, "I read. Besides I've got to keep up with current events, I'll be able to vote in a couple years and I don't want to screw things up."

"You won't." the woman said smiling affectionately.

After they had finished eating Ben set to work washing and drying the dishes putting them neatly away in their appointed areas while his mother got dressed. With no where to go, and nothing else to do until the afternoon they settled comfortably about the living room, Sophie with her word search and tv, and Ben with his book the two whiled away the day.

Eventually when the time came they got in the car, and drove to the office of Ben's therapist. After checking in, and a brief wait, and the teen found himself uncomfortably in the chair, feeling as he ever did like he was standing before the firing squad, only they didn't have the decency to give him a blindfold.

She's such a bitch, the teen thought when he noticed her taking notes as he had touched his fanny pack for reassurance, mentally checking off its contents. Only to regret thinking it immediately afterwards. You're going to hell, he thought to himself, you deserve to go to hell, you're a terrible person and everyone can see that. He criticized himself.

"Ben," Dr. Warner said breaking his train of thought. "You're self-sensoring again, aren't you? I can tell because you start muttering to yourself, and keep looking over your shoulder like you've got to be ready to run from something. It's alright Ben, your thoughts are your own, like your body is your own. You are in control."

Looking away from her the teen shifted in his seat, beginning to feel distressed by where he thought this was going.

"I know this is hard for you Ben, it must feel like starting over since Dr. Hanson's retirement, but you've been seeing me for a while now and I'd like to we've developed some trust between us." the woman smiled. "And I'm sure as she probably explained to you no matter what progress we are making it won't last, and you won't be able to find better, healthier ways of coping with things until we talk about, and work through the root trauma. Ben? Are you listening?" she asked leaning forward, trying to look him in the face as he turned away.

"I don't want to talk anymore." the boy muttered.

"Ben, it's alright, I promise. We can start slowly. You don't have to tell me anything big, just tell me something small, just tell me how it made you fee-"

"I don't want to talk!" he snapped curling his knees to his chest. "You said I should practice setting healthy boundaries, I don't feel safe and I-"

"Healthy boundaries," the woman cut in gently, tone light. "Don't mean closing yourself off from everyone and pushing away the people who are only here to help you. Ben, you are safe, this is a safe place, it's alri-"

"But I don't feel safe," he said, voice breaking. "And I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok, alright, fair enough." the woman said holding up her hands in surrender as the sanitizer immerged from the bag. "So, let's talk about something different," she began, trying an alternative approach. "It's the first week of summer vacation are you going to be hanging out with any of your friends?"

Ben shook his head.

"What about plans, any big plans? Are you going to go see your dad?"

"I don't know."

"Well is there anything you want to do, anything you're excited for?" the doctor asked, watching as with a change of subject Ben became less defensive, and his body posture less rigid.

"I'm looking forward to the summer reading program at the library." he mumbled.

"Oh exciting! Do you have any new books picked out, or are you sticking to your favorites?" she asked motioning to the tome he had brought with him.

"I might try something different, but I a have a few authors I really like." he admitted clutching the book.

"Familiarity can be good, it can be grounding."

"Yeah." Ben nodded trying to hurry things along, hoping she'd stop talking.

"So is that it? Is that all you want to do, just stay at home reading books all summer?"

"That's it."

"Don't you want to go have fun? Do something exciting with your free time? Get out of your comfort zone, shake things up?" she asked doing a shimmy in her seat. "And have some adventures?"

"I can have a hundred different adventures in a thousand different worlds from comfort and safety of my own home." Ben said looking at her with exasperation, his tone stressing the finality of the discussion. "Yes. That is exactly what I want to do with my summer."

"Alright then, sounds fun!" Dr. Warner said positively before standing. "I think that's just about time if you wanted to head out early and ask your mom to come talk to me a minute?"

Getting up Ben walked out and into the lobby, motioning with his thumb over his shoulder when his mother looked up from her seat expectantly. "Tag, you're it." he said walking to the other side of the room where he couldn't hear what they were talking about and pulled out his book, leg bouncing anxiously with residual nerves, trying hard not to think about what they were discussing.

"How are you feeling?" Sophie asked as they were pulling out of the parking lot.

"Fine." he replied, though truthfully he felt emotionally and physically drained.

"Are you hungry, we can stop somewhere and get something to eat? I heard Burger King and Carl's Jr both have vegan burgers now!" she enthused, trying to nudge him with her elbow, but he was sitting just out of reach.

Ben grimaced at the thought, "I'll eat when we get home."

There was a few minutes of silence before the woman tried again, "What about Subway? It's all fresh veggies, and you can watch them make it." The teenager thought for a minute, he hated being so difficult, especially when his mom was trying so hard, it was just, unsettling for him. Far from sold on the prospect he agreed to the compromise for his mother's sake.

They were turning onto the main street by the clinic when her personal cell rang, Ben noticed the icy change in her voice when she answered it. "Here Ben, it's your dad, you forgot to turn your ringer back on."

"Hello?" Ben said putting the device to his ear.

"Hey kiddo, I just wanted to call and see how things went. Are you feeling alright?" his father's voice said hopefully on the other end of the line.

"I'm fine." Ben answered.

"Good, good." the man said in a forced light-hearted way, causing Ben's stomach to knot. He knew his dad was trying just as hard as his mom, but he just didn't know what to say, or how to act around his son, no matter how badly the man wanted to fix things. It was why he took a job in another state. "So what have you been up to lately?"

"Just the usual, reading, and stuff. What about you?" Ben asked him, watching other cars blur past the window. The two talked idly until they turned into the sub shop's parking lot, father and son agreed to a video call later in the evening, before Sophie and Ben got out of the car.

After ordering, a timid request for the employee to change gloves, and a sizable tip on his mother's part to encourage compliance the two made their way back outside to eat in what Ben felt was a cleaner more controlled environment.

"You know I'm here too, if you ever want to talk." the woman said wiping her mouth with a napkin, watching her son from the corner of her eye. "And if you wake up in the middle of the night... and you're scared I'm just down the hall."

"Yeah mom," Ben said after a pause. "I know."

Clearing her throat when her work phone pinged the woman quickly evaluated the memo she received, before letting out a sigh. "I have to go get a few things from the office, you don't mind riding with do you?" Ben shook his head.

Sitting right outside the large glass and concrete building labeled "Masrani Global" in bright bold lettering at the top the teenager once again became utterly absorbed into his book, so much so that the passage of time meant nothing to him until the sensation of falling caught him by surprise when the door he'd been leaning against opened without warning. Turning with fright he took in the warm expression on Mr. Masrani's face as he smiled down at him, and the red watery eyes, and runny mascara his mother bore standing just behind him.

"Ben, how are you!" the man asked with a broad smile. "Did you like the gaming console I sent for Christmas last year?"

"Y-yes." Ben lied quickly dogearing his page, but he couldn't even remember if he'd actually taken it out of the box.

"That is wonderful! I knew you would like it. Come, come get out of the car," he said motioning for the teen to follow. "Walk with me tell me how you've been, and what you did to make such a pretty woman cry!"

Unbuckling his seatbelt Ben exited the vehicle and shut the door, apprehensive of the unknown circumstances in which he found himself.

"Your mother loves you so much Ben, do you know that?" the billionaire asked wrapping an arm around the boy, until his mother spoke up about his discomfort, much to Ben's relief.

"I know." Ben said, wondering where this was leading as the entered the building and stepped into an elevator.

"Then why do I come into the office and find her crying? Ben, look at her, look at your mother. Is there anything more precious in the world than a mother?" Mr. Masrani asked as Ben looked back at his mom who seemed to be trying to apologise with her gaze.

"I guess not." Ben agreed bogged down by sudden guilt for what he put her through, his hand touching his fanny pack for comfort.

"Why put her through this kind of stress? She says she is worried about you, wants you to make friends, to stop being afraid of everything." the man went on gesturing in the confined space of the lift. "I agree, what do you have to be afraid of? You are young you have your whole life ahead of you, seize it!"

Ben knew that Mr. Masrani was just trying to be nice and that he really liked kids. Since his mom had become one of his executive assistants the man had weeded out Ben's birthday and was sure to send him gifts for the occasion. The boy remembered a few months back when his mom was at her wits end having to rearrange Mr. Masrani's schedule and contact all of his business affiliates to postpone certain meetings. After Ben had made a snide remark Sophie had snapped at him angrily, informing him that Mr. Masrani's wife had just suffered another miscarriage, this one late term. Shamefully he'd never spoken against the man since, feeling equally guilty for not being gracious enough for the presents he'd been given.

"I wanted to show you this." the man informed him as they stepped out of the elevator. Walking up to a large table at the heart of the massive office Ben looked at a model of the biggest treehouse he had ever seen. "It's called Camp Cretaceous." the man beamed with pride. "It's an adventure summer camp, where kids can be kids, make friends, have adventures, see dinosaurs up close and first hand in ways you just can't at the park itself. Like my friend John Hammond used to say, 'we spared no expense!'"

"And how did that turn out for him?" Ben commented before he could process what he was saying. "I'm sorry." he rushed out an apology, mentally condemning himself as he saw Mr. Masrani's smile falter.

"It's alright," Masrani said waving away the remark. "So what do you think?"

"It... looks like fun!" Ben smiled hoping to make amends.

"Good, I'm glad you think so. So what do you say to eight weeks of the most fun of your life?" the man asked.

"Eight weeks?" Ben asked failing to understand what his role in the discussion was.

"Yes, I'm trial running Camp Cretaceous this year before we go live next summer. I want everything to be perfect! So I expect a full report when you get back, understand? And Sophie, I want you to take a few weeks off, relax, practice some self care, paid of course. Time and a half even for all that you do for me, call it a vacation bonus." the powerful figure said as he circled the table looking at the diagram from every angle with scrutiny.

Turning to his mom with a pleading look Ben pressed his palms together, begging her nonverbally not to make him go. Still teary eyed the woman pressed her lips together forming a hard line and shook her head. "It will be good for you, and we can't say no." she whispered before going to stand by her boss. "Isn't this exciting Ben?" she asked.

The teenager looked at them with a nervous sense of devastation, his stomach suddenly full of rocks as he took out his sanitizer and began to coat his hands with the quick evaporating liquid.