Jacob

"Hey Jacob. Can you take the roast to the table?" Katie asks me. I take the platter as my mouth waters. Do get to eat home cook meals too much in the city. It's mainly going to the restaurants. Dinner at Mama's was always in action. Expect now it's Rachel who's cooking and Katie brings some side dishes.

"Hey sweets. You've been quiet?" I whisper to Zoe from behind her. She's placing the bread in the basket.
"Rachel didn't say anything mean. Did she?" I ask realizing that Zoe's been quiet since she and Rachel came back from shopping.

"No, just tired."  Zoe says continuing her bread duty.

"We'll go to bed early tonight and spend some alone time together. Maybe we can stargaze out the big windows."

Zoe turns to me and smiles a tight smile, "stargazing? I thought you didn't like stargazing." Zoe said, walking to the table with the bread basket. I follow as everyone sits on their seats.

" Are we saying prayers?" Zoe asks as the dishes are clinging.

I look at Rachel, who's looking at Katie.

"Can I say it?"  Zoe asks.

Mama smiles at Zoe, " Yes. If you would like."

We all hold hands and close our eyes. I'm confused. She's never shown any interest in prayers or church. I guess small town is rubbing old on her.

"Dear God. I'd like to thank you for bringing Jacob into my life. Always being honest and being the force in my life. Thank you for Mama Jane and her kindness and wisdom. Thank you for Katie and Gilbert and the kids. And for Rachel for being herself. Amen"

"Dig in everyone. This looks fantastic Rachel."  Mama says to Rachel.
   
"Did Rachel make another favorite of yours, Jacob?" Zoe asks.

I chew on the roast I just put in my mouth," Well, not my favorite but it's good. No offense Ray."  I say.

Rachel looks up, smiling.

We are relatively quiet. Of course Katie shared some ideas for the engagement party. Dessert as always is a pie.

"Mama bought the pie at the bakery." Gavin announces as Katie cuts the pie. Rachel and Zoe come with the coffees and everyone enjoys their dessert.

"Will some of your childhood friends be coming to the party?" Zoe asks me as we continue to talk about the party plans.

"Not sure. I'll call a few tomorrow." I answer.

"Perfect." Zoe responds. She cuts her pie with her fork,  " I heard a few stories about Jacob when he was younger," she announces, "Like the time he made his own tattoo. Cut with a knife right hon?" Zoe asks.

I slowly put a fork of pie in my mouth, "Oh honey. I don't think the boys would remember that." I say looking at Rachel who's also having a hard time swallowing the pie in her mouth.

"What tattoo?" Katie jumps in.

"Oh on his left bicep." Zoe perkes up. 

"When did you get it?" Katie asks in her mother tone.

I smile wishing now I had told Zoe it was an accidental random scar, "when I was younger." I answer.

"You know what's funny," Zoe continues, sounding harsh, "Today Rachel lifted her arms up and I saw the same 'tattoo' under her right arm." Zoe says, ending her sentence with a sting.

I eye Rachel who's now as white as a ghost. Fuck. What did Rachel say?

"What was it you said, Rachel?" Zoe stops for a second, "oh yes. It was a pathetic idea for a boy I fell in love with years ago." Zoe says, looking at me. FUCK!!!

It's silent.

"Declan. Take your siblings and Matty outside." Katie instructs.

"But mama—,"

"Now!"  Katie's voice is the only sound. The kids leave the table and when the door closes behind them... "Jacob. What's Zoe talking about?" Katie asks.

I clear my throat slowly. Honestly trying to figure out what's the best fucken' damage control way of saying this, " A few years ago, Rachel and I thought it would be a great idea to give ourselves tattoos." I start, wishing it was enough of an explanation.

"Show me your tattoo?" Katie asks.

I glare at her. She's not helping my case. I roll up my left arm sleeve to my bicep and twist my arm, stretching it out towards Katie. No mistake, there's an 'R' with a half heart. Except. It doesn't look like a heart or anything that would make sense to anyone but the one who's sitting speechless across the table from me.

Katie stands up observing my scar, " Rachel. Show yours."

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I scream in my head. 

Rachel doesn't look good. She better feel like shit. Why didn't she make up a stupid story that didn't involve me? Now I have no fucken idea what this is going to mean to Zoe and me.

Rachel stands up lifting her right arm up, beading her elbow. Revealing her hidden scar. The letter 'J' screams of pain. More Incredible is that I'm the one feeling the pain, looking at Rachel's half of our tattoo. Binding us for life.

Katie examines Rachel's scare." Holy crap." Katie says looking at Rachel and Me, " What does this mean?"

"Nothing." I said, "We were kids. Doing stupid things in a small town. What? Do you think we were the only ones?" I try to make this seem like a whatever situation.

"Sometimes as youngsters, we live the moment." Mama weighs in, "We feel the need to be epic and scaring tattoos were common among younger teens years ago." Mama gently explains. I think. 

"But why each other's letter?" Katie says. Why doesn't she sit down and leave this alone. Obviously Mama wants this to end. Me too.

"We were ashamed after we did this and promised to never talk about it." Rachel finally pipes up.

"But what about the boy you loved?"  Zoe asks, looking at me pissed .

I look at Rachel. Desperately wishing telepathy was real. Please Ray Ray. Don't fuck this up for me.

"I — had a secret crush on Jacob." Rachel quickly looks at me, "of course Jacob didn't know... until right now." Rachel says trailing off her voice at the end.

Oh God. Thank you Rachel. 

"So Jacob didn't know you liked him?" Zoe questions sounding slightly guilty.

Rachel shyly  smiles at Zoe, " No." Rachel looks down pretending to be embarrassed

"Oh. Rachel I'm sorry. I didn't mean to outed you out like this." Zoe said sounding terrible.

Rachel smiles, " No it's okay. I mean we're adults now." Rachel looks at Zoe, " I told you Zoe. Jacob loves you. He told me himself." She glances at me, "Jacob would never hurt you." 

My heart sank. I smile as Zoe gives me a hug, " I'm sorry baby. I'm such an idiot."

"It's okay." Is all I'm going to say, hugging Zoe back. I want out of this conversation fast. Everyone settles down and gets back to the dessert. I put my arm around Zoe and kiss her on the head, thanking God that this is over. I casually glance at Rachel who's gathering her dishes. Her tight smile and sad eyes tell me I will forever hurt her. It doesn't matter if I had stayed or left. I can't seem to make her happy. Mama's right, Rachel's going to have to find her own happiness. Mine is with Zoe.

*****

I placed the wooly blanket on top of me and Zoe. We snuggle in the back of the stallion with nothing but the blanket touching our skin and pillows to lay back on and our own body heat. Zoe snuggles against my chest as I wrap my arms around her.

"Isn't this nice?" I ask in a low voice.

"It is." Zoe responds, " but I thought you hated stargazing."

"I do, but it's the company I came for."  I answer,  kissing Zoe's head, " can I ask you something?"

"Hum," I heard Zoe react.

"Did you really ask Rachel if I loved you?" 

"I did only because I freaked out seeing Rachel's scare. Why did you tell me it was your buddies and you who did that?"

"I didnt want you to get the wrong idea about Rachel and I." I lie.

"Awe babe. You know you can tell me anything." Zoe looks up at me, " I told you, you're the best thing that's happened in my life and I promise to stay for it all. Good and bad."  Zoe teases.  I kiss my fiancé and we settle back down, " Jacob, Why did you guys make the tattoos anyway?" Zoe asks.

I sigh. I'm done talking about this and Rachel. I've been trying to get her out of my head for years. " Small towns have limited fun things to do. So we get creative and most of the time do dangerous things."  I chuckle remembering a few of the crazy things I did.

"And Rachel and you never had anything going on?"

I lift Zoe to a sitting position and turn her around facing him. "Zoe. I love you. There's nothing between Rachel and I. It's you I want to marry."

Zoe looks into my eyes, searching for the truth I bet."how do I know you're telling the truth?" 

I look straight into her eyes. I can see concern. I smile, " I love you." I said, taking Zoe's head in my hands. "I'm here with my family and I can't wait to go home with you. I'm hanging out with old friends and I can't wait to start our life together." 

"And Rachel."  Zoe asks.

I look into Zoe's eyes. This is what she's worried about the most. Rachel. I have to make Zoe feel comfortable or this will hunt me forever, "it was a stupid thing we did. Bored really. We got creative Rachel's just the little brats that came to my house."

"But why Rachel?"  Zoe asks.

"Because... she's like a little sister and Sometimes we did idiotodic things."

"Did you know that Rachel loved you?"  Zoe asks.

I stare at Zoe's eyes, " No." I point blankly lie." I didn't know then. We only hung out here at my house. Especially when I was grounded. So I didn't know until today. maybe we won't bring it up again so not to embarrass Rachel anymore than she might be." All I said is a lie, except for the last part. Rachel saved my ass, admitting that she liked me and pretending that today was the first time it was said.

Zoe gives me a tight squeeze, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you and Rachel today. I hope she's not mad at me." 

I smile with relief, " I think she'll be okay."

"You know what they say after a fight?" Zoe says looking at me with devilish eyes and a naughty girl smile, "make-up sex." 

"Oh. Then we need to fight more often," I say, grabbing Zoe and helping her to sit on my lap. She strokes me and slides me inside her and she moans, arching her back and begins to ride me.