Rachel

I sat on the porch watching the sunrise. Reflecting on my accomplishments from the weekend. Mama Jane loves the lift and she really enjoys the ease of getting in and out of the pool with it now. The kids had a great time together and I think Jacob was watching me. It makes me smile to think that he still stares at me and tries to hide it. Just like he did when he was younger. Maybe he's feeling the same as I am. sipping my coffee, I contemplate the idea of whether or not I should talk to Jacob about my feelings.

I take a deep breath, it would be a dream come true to have Jacob back. But then the pit of my stomach turns as the little voice in my head reminds me how much Jacob doesn't want to be here. Could I live in the big city with him? 

I take another deep breath and shake the thoughts out of my head. Right now I need to get Matty ready for school.

"Good morning Uncle Jacob,"  Matty says eating his breakfast. I see Jacob stumbling into the kitchen. 

"Good morning little man. What are you eating?" 

"Cereal," Matty says.

"Hum. I'll have that too," Jacob says walking over to me. He reaches for the cabinet by me and glances over to me. I smile, "Good morning Rachel." He says in a serious tone. It sends shivers down my spine.

"Good morning," I said but I couldn't look at him.

"Good morning." Mama Jane said, rolling into the kitchen and positioning herself at her usual spot at the table.

"Good morning Mama. How was your sleep?" Jacob asks.

"Good. A little stiff. Probably from playing in the pool with the children." She smiles looking at Matty.

"I was thinking Mama..."

"Oh boy..'' Mama Jane inturps Jacob.

"I'm going to call my Doctor today. See if you can come back with me and we ca —,".

"Jacob John Bridgestone, I understand your stubbornness in inherited from my side, but I'm your Mama." My eyes widen at the upset tone that Mama Jane is using on her son, "I may be old but I still have my marbles. I will let you know what I need when I need it."

"But aren't you worried, Mama? I mean. Don't you want to walk again?" Jacob said in a loud tone.

"Well of course I do and I'm sure the good Lord will hear my prayers and give me what I want."

"Mama the good Lord isn't only going to hear your prayers."

"No. He will help others but he heard my prayers when I asked him to bring you home. And here you are." She said with a smile.

Jacob continues eating his cereal as Matty listens to the two of them.

"I can make you a get-well card Granny. Would that help?" Matty pipes up sounding like he solved everyone's problem.

Mama Jane laughs with joy," Yes Matty. That would be a wonderful idea." I pat Matty on the head, "See Jacob, that's how you treat your Mama."

Jacob smiles, "Sure mama I'll make you a card too." Jacob winks at Matty, "You sure know how to treat mamas, Matty." Jacob looks at me and winks with a smile as he chews his food. My heart melts and I feel my cheeks going red and flush.

"Oh, Mama. There's Something I've been meaning to tell you about the city. I —,"

"OH MATTY!! WE GOT TO GO! SCHOOL STARTS SOON!!." I jump as I realize the time, "Sorry guys, we gotta go." I grab Matty's lunch as Jacob grabs his sweater.

"Bye Uncle Jacob, bye Granny," Matty said, hugging each one. We left.

"Mama, will Uncle Jacob live with us?"  Matty asks, sitting in the car.

"I don't think so, honey. Jacob has his business where he lives and has to take care of it." I look at Matty through the rear-row mirror.

Matty looks out the window as he sits on his booster seat, "I hope he visits a lot." I smile with pain in my heart.

*****

I walk into the kitchen. I watch Jacob as he tends Mama Jane's garden. His skin shines in the morning sunlight as he sports his sunglasses on and his cap backwards in his head. He pulls the weeds which flexes his biceps. I smile watching him secretly. I really want to talk to him but I'm scared that I already know his answer.

"Rachel?" I hear Mama Jane call for me from her room, "Yes mama Jane." I say as I open her door and walk in.

Mama Jane smiles at me, "Sorry dear, could you check the laundry? Jacob had put on a load of clothes a while ago. They must be done."

"Sure," I said, sorting the blankets on Mama Jane's bed. 
"Also," Mama Jane continues while looking at me tentatively, "How is Matty adjusting to having a man in the house?" She said watching me collect her lunch dishes.
I freeze, in shock. I guess we're going to have this conversation right now. I continue to pick up the dishes, "If you're asking how Matty is adjusting to a father figure in his life again, I would say he's doing well ."
"I hit a nerve,  didn't I?" Mama Jane asks obviously knowing she did. I glance at her as she stares at me. "This must not be easy for you either. I'm sorry I called him home, but not sorry I did. He needs to know about Matty, Rachel."
"He didn't want any tie-downs here. No. He doesn't need to know about Matty and as soon as he leaves,  I will find a place for Matty and me."
"Rachel!" Mama Jane yelps. Her eyes show the sadness she's feeling.
"With all due respect Mama Jane. I love you, and your family. for many years You have been kind to me and when my parents died you were my mama. But I can't trap Jacob to feel obligated to live here in the town he always wanted to leave. I... I couldn't do that to him - or Matty.
"Rachel. I love you like my own daughter. But give Jacob credit. He's had time to grow up. And as for Matty, regardless of what you think about Jacob, Matty deserves to know his father."
"You won't tell them about each other, will you?" I gasp fearing.
"No ma'am," Mama Jane perched as she straightened her blankets, "that's your responsibility. Not mine." Mama Jane says lying down on her back.
I stand still with the lunch dishes on my hands, feeling absolutely guilty of all the decisions I have made in the past five years. Why did this stupid boy have to listen to his Mama this time?
"I'm scared Mama Jane," I admit quietly.
Mama Jane lifts her head off the pillow a little, "Of what my dear?"
I gently sniff my runny nose as I feel a flood of old emotions come over me, "That Matty will get hurt"
"Like you?"
I free one hand and wipe my nose, "Maybe. I sacrificed so much to make sure Matty is shielded from my... mistakes."
"And you Protected that young man out there that you loved not too long ago, who left you and never came back or called to see how you were doing."
I took a deep breath.
"I would be furious with a young man. I'd Yell at him all afternoon."
I chuckle at Mama Jane's idea, "Yeah"
Mama Jane turns around, "Then why don't you?"
" Do what?"
"Yell at that young man. He's here now. Here's your chance."
"Excuse me?" I said in shock. Is Mama Jane encouraging me to yell at her son?
"You're not a little girl following your crush anymore, Rachel. You're a young woman, a mother and have a broken heart that you carried for years and that young man broke it. Yell at him. Stand up for that little girl inside you."
I stand up dumbfounded listening to that man's Mama permitting me to yell at her son.
"Didn't think I knew.?" Mama Jane smiles at me, "The late nights sneaking back in the house after everyone was supposed to be asleep. The food fights the two of you had and Jacob always needing 'help' with his chores outside the house."
My eyes water as Mama Jane lists off the things that Jacob and I did years ago.
"When you married David quick as a whistle and your Mama whispering in my ear that shortly after your marriage you were expecting, I had an eerie feeling who's child you were actually carrying.
I put the dishes down quickly back on the night table and sat beside Mama Jane in her bed, "I'm so sorry. It was so sudden. We weren't planning to... Jacob left town for good before I knew I was pregnant. I got scared. What would small-town folks say? So I slept with David and told him I was pregnant a month later and we got married." I clasped my hands on top of my lips. I had never told that story out loud to anyone. Not even my parents. They died thinking David was the father of my child. "I could never bear to tell anyone because..." I was searching for the real reason why I didn't tell anyone.
Mama Jane held my hands and wiped my tears from my cheeks looking at me like a lovely endearing mother, "because you love him."
"Matty?." I said
"Both," she said with an assurance smile, "Rachel. Go yell at that man."
Taking a deep breath, I sit straight fixing my posture. I nod my head as I get back on my feet and take the dishes again.
I smile at Mama Jane, " Thank you."
Mama Jane smiles back as she pulls her blankets over her chest, " Remember, it's not my responsibility to tell."
I nod, understanding Mama Jane's position in this situation and her health. It's the least I can do for her. let her son know about her grandson and I was the one in the way.
I went downstairs to the kitchen. I rinsed the dishes and left them in the sink. I wipe my hand Vigorously as I look out the kitchen window and see Jacob in the garden picking tomatoes.
I take a deep breath, looking at the man who once made my heart flutter like butterflies. More than five years ago I would take the opportunity to go out there and give the excuse of wanting to help him because I was bored.
I look down feeling embarrassment at the silly things a little girl would do for her crush.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to go and yell at Mama Jane's boy.
"Hey, do you remember how to pick tomatoes?" I ask Jacob as I walk into the garden.
Jacob looks up at me, "Ah yeah. I left for the city, not have amnesia."
I smile as I start picking a few tomatoes, " Sooo, do you have a garden in the city?" I nervously ask.
Jacob looks at me and smiles, "No. No room in the city where I live. I have a 4 x 8 balcony and a grocery store to deliver groceries to me."
I crouch down to pick a tomato, "Yeah I guess in the city, the grocery store carries everything."
"Almost." Jacob answers, "But I do remember something." Jacob says and before I say anything a tomato splats on my shoulder and sprays seeds on the side of my face. I get up slowly, smiling confirming that this man didn't grow up after all. But you know what, neither did I.
"Hey truce. Truce!" Jacob's shouts as I rapidly fired a few tomatoes at him.
I laugh loudly. It has been a long time since I laughed so hard,  and right now throwing the tomatoes felt like therapy, aiming at Mama Jane's son's head.
"That's not ladylike. How would Matty feel about his mama throwing tomatoes at someone?" Jacob says, throwing another tomato as he throws guilty comments out of his mouth.
"He's at school right now!" I shout as I pick up another tomato.
"What the hell are you two doing!?!" We hear someone shouting from the back door. Katie's standing at the doorway with the storm door open looking at us like she's going to kill us.
"Why are you two wasting the tomatoes!!  And making a mess in Mama Jane's garden. Have you two lost your minds?."
"Hey sis, catch!"  Jacob says as he winds up his signature pitch move and throws a tomato at Katie.
She screams and shuts the screen door. The tomato splatters in front of Katie's face on the glass.
"You're cleaning this or else I'm telling Mama!!" Katie yells from inside and closes the inside door.
We both laugh as we wipe our clothes from seeds and tomato guts.
"I guess I better clean up before I get grounded by Mama," Jacob says as he grabs a basket from the edge of the garden.
I smile as I watch him move around himself picking up the pieces.
I can't get mad at him now. He looks ridiculously smeared in tomato guts. I smile looking at him. With butterflies in my gut. I don't know how to start my conversation... or how to end it. What Mama Jane and everyone else doesn't know is that I carry more than just Matty's father's identity. Jacob already knows he almost became a father. But that pregnancy, we took care of. It was what Jacob wanted and honestly, I did too. It was eight months before I was pregnant with Matty. My period was late, or later than ever. Jacob managed to steal a pregnancy test and when no one was at his home I used the test...

"What does that mean?" I remember Jacob asking as we looked at the stick with two lines.
I remember ringing in my ears. My stomach feeling sick and the fear of everyone knowing who and what happened.
"It means there's a baby." I had said to him.
Jacob's eyes widened, as he swallowed hard, "Okay. We can fix this. I can get an appointment—,"
"Here!?!" I shrieked crying.
Jacob looked at me, "listen. It's going to be okay. We will go into the city and go to a clinic and ... stop the pregnancy." I stared into Jacob's eyes. He nervously smiled at me, " I love you, Rachel. I won't leave you like this. Being a Mama so young and alone. Okay?"
I nodded my head. I trusted him.
Jacob grabbed me tight and held me into his chest, "I love you, Ray Ray. Nothing will change that."

"Rachel? Are you okay?"  Jacob asks as I come back to real-time.
"Yeah. I am." I lie. I walk back to the back door. God, I can't do this.
" Hey, Ray." Jacob said, calling me, " I had fun.'
I shyly smile at him, not wanting to look into his eyes and find that spark that I was so drawn to. " Me too." I take a deep breath, "Hey Jacob, I have to talk to you about something." I say. He looks at me, "Actually a few things."
Jacob's phone rings, filling the air as I was about to muster up enough nerve to start my confessions.
Jacob's eyes pop out as he answers his phone, " Hey. Hi hon. How are you?"
Hon?
Jacob turns away from me, "Yeah I miss you too. Tomorrow?  Yeah. I can't wait. I'll pick you up. 2 o'clock? Okay. Yeah, love you too."
Love you too?!?!
"Jacob?" Jacob turns around with the guiltiest expression seeming to search for the words to explain what just happened, "Who's coming tomorrow?" I ask not waiting to know.
Jacob smiles his stupid smile when he has done something so bad.
"That was —- it was or is, I mean." He stops figidging around and drops his arms down in his side surrendering, "My fiancé."