Jacob

"I'm so relieved my family knows now," I said, finishing my beer, and waving at the waitress for another, " Not the way I planned it but it's done."

"You better slow down Bridgestone or your marriage is going to turn you into an alcoholic," Billy says before sipping his beer.

"Nah, My lady's got us watching our intake." I said, playing with the neck of my empty bottle, "You know, she's good for me."

"Who," Billy asks in a therapist's tone.

Peering at him, surprised at his comment," ZOE!! Who else?"Billy tilts his head at me, signalling who else I could be referring to.

" Zoe. It's Zoe we're talking about. She's always making sure our lives are going on the right track."

"Well, I don't know if that's necessary. You and your business were successful before you met Zoe." 

I look at Billy as the waitress brings my second beer, "she's good for me, Billy."

Billy puts his hands in the air, "I believe you. I just don't know why when you talk about your relationships you need more than one beer?"

I look at my bottle as I swallow a gulp of beer already in my mouth, " It's been all about me, hasn't it? Shit. I'm sorry. What about you William Gordon? Anything new?"

Billy straightens himself up in his seat, "well actually. There's this young lady who keeps coming back to my shop with a beat-up Honda. The motor runs well but the body of the car is awful. What I've gathered so far is that she's divorced and lives with her older brother. Sometimes she comes in for the smallest of things and my employees tell me when she calls, she asks for me."

I grin at my best friend, "Ahhh. Sounds like she has the hots for you, my friend. What are you going to do about it." I ask

Billy gets all shy in front of me, "I don't know. I never really saw myself settling down with one girl. I mean, we're not even 30 yet," Billy smiles at me, " but look at you. You're ready to take that big step, so, maybe I can too."

I smile at my friend's awakening about himself, "Well we need to celebrate! To growing up!!" I announce with my beer up high. Billy laughs and lifts his beer. We drink and put our beers down.

"You know, speaking of growing up, remember my brother Hayes. He came home for the summer. He says he met a beautiful young lady he remembered when he was younger."

I shoot my eyes focusing on Billy, " Really? What does he say about this girl."
   
"Oh, what doesn't he say about her?" Billy reacts, thinking, "he says she has beautiful golden light brown hair, a figure to boot, slight curves in all smile...and her lips are..., what words did he use..., Ah. red like strawberries touched by the morning dew.  Yeah, that was it, or some cheesy poetic line shit like that." Billy reacts with a gesture of chills as he sips his beer.

I take a few gulps, " is he thinking of asking her out?" I ask, feeling like a toad's stuck in my throat while I squeeze my beer bottle in both hands.

Billy shrugs it off, "Not sure. He didn't say. But, if he does, I'll make sure to ask you for the Black Beauty. Maybe he'll get lucky, uh." Billy said, moving his eyebrows up and down.

I start chugging the last of my beer, "I gotta go." I express getting my keys from my pocket feeling a little bit disoriented.
   
"Jacob. You okay? What happened?"  Billy stands up looking at me with concern.

"Nothing. I just remembered I had to call Zoe tonight before she goes to sleep and finalize the details." 

Billy laughs, "Sure. One more round of 'tugging the horse's rein' over the phone before she comes."

I try to smile at what Billy is referring to before I pat him on the back."Drive safe Billy.

"You too." He says back to me.

I B-line to my truck. I jump onto my seat and contemplate what Billy said about what Hayes thought about Rachel. It had to be Rachel. The description is Rachel because I feel — I mean I felt the same way, then. I hit my head on the edge of the steering wheel repeatedly. I turn Black Beauty on quickly and start driving home.

"Why do I care? Who cares? Let Rachel date other guys. That's what you want, Remember?" I said out loud, trying to convince myself.

Yeah but are you ready to see her in someone else's arms? I never saw her with someone before. I was her first. Already the idea of her having Matty with someone else took me back, but to see her and Matty happy with someone else!?!  The selfish side of me speaks.

I love Zoe. Zoe is my person for who I am now. Older, mature, successful, driven. Rachel was my then person. When life was carefree, simple, organic.

I don't love Rachel. I just don't want to feel guilty about how I ended things with her then. I need to tell her that. I need to tell Rachel my reasons for caring about her now, is that I feel bad about how things turned out in her life. I feel a part of that was my fault and I want her to move on from me if she didn't do that already.

I pulled up to Mama's driveway. I turn my truck off. I take a deep breath. For the first time, I'm dreading going into the house. I get out of the truck and slowly walk up the porch stairs. I see in the corner of my eye someone sitting on the porch swing. I walk over and realize it's Rachel. Shit. I thought. The last person I want to see right now.

"Did you wait up for me?" I ask in frustration.

She looks at me., "No. I got tied up in reading this article," she says, lifting the magazine in the night's darkness.

I stare at her, " in the dark? Ray, you can't see the words."

I see Rachel's body deflate as she tosses the magazine on the floor, "I was taking some 'me time'. Your Mama suggested it."

I sit down on the porch swing beside Rachel, bending over and rubbing my hands together, " how's Mama taking the news of my engagement?" I ask.

In the corner of my eye, I see Rachel staring at me, even in the dark. I'm trying to relax, but today has me unhinged. I'm not sure where I stand with anyone right now.

"She's hurt." I hear Rachel say, "But she loves you."

I nod my head.

"Jacob, why didn't you tell anyone about... your relationship?'

I take a deep breath, rubbing my hands together "The truth?"

"Well yeah." Rachel reacts, " It was enough of a reason for you to risk getting your Mama and sister mad."

I put my head down, surrendering. I can feel the anxiety building up in my stomach making me feel nervous.

    "ugh!! " I react to the pressure, jumping up out of frustration. I lean on the railing, looking out into the darkness.

"I spent years trying to not think about you." I begin, " Now, you are the only one I'm trying so hard to make feel better and make sure you're okay."

Rachel says nothing.

I turn around and lean on the railing, crossing my hands in front of myself, "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to know that I had a girlfriend. When I heard you were married and moved away I was happy because..." I stop mid-sentence. This bullshit I'm saying isn't sounding good at all. I can see Rachel looking at me with a confused expression. Yep, the vomit coming out of my mouth isn't making this conversation tilt my way.

"So, you stopped talking to your family in fear that I would find out about your life. Do you think I'm that weak and needy, that I wouldn't be able to handle your life's decisions after you left me?" Rachel questions me.

"Rachel, look at you now. Are you happy with your life's choice?" I blur out of my mouth before I realize the magnitude of damage my question is going to do.

Rachel gets up with a furious expression forming on her face. She walks up in front of me. I stand straight and feel uncomfortable as Rachel gets into my personal space, "First of all," She speaks again with anger, " the Lord has blessed me with a beautiful son. I get to spend days with someone who is like a Mama to me since mine has passed away. I get to spend days learning and laughing with your family, watching your Niece and Nephew grow up. I get to greet folks who tell me stories about my folks, including stories about their childhood. It's not what I thought my life would be,  but I love who's in my life and who is not. Goodnight!"

*************

I feel like shit waking up. I look at my phone. 9 am. Good, I slept in. Rachel should be at the groceries right now. I lay on my back, putting my hands under my head. The sun is beaming through the curtain. I did the right thing. Sharing with Rachel my true intentions about her. I feel guilty about how I left her and she made it clear last night that she'll be okay. Plus she's right, she's helping my Mama and this is where she's supposed to be. I, on the other hand, have my beautiful future wife... wow ... Let me say that again, my future wife is coming to me. I get out of bed and make my way to the washroom.

I get in the shower. The warm water is exactly what my tense body needs. I rub my face and look around. Shit. I forgot my body soap and scrubber in my room. I look around the shelves and see Rachel's loofah hanging in the neck of the showerhead. I contemplate. No one will know if I use it just this once. I take her loofah and lather it with her body soap. I rub the loofah around my body. I smile as I remember Zoe, convincing me to use the scrubbers. She would say, it will exfoliate my skin, especially since I work in construction. Then other thoughts start to fill my head. Thoughts I DON'T want to have. Rachel, naked in this very shower. Using this loofah... that I am rubbing on my body, has rubbed her body and unknowing to her....because she will kill me, she will be using after me. The Thoughts in my head start to affect parts of my body, and I find myself needing to relieve my sexual tension. I rub Rachel's loofah over my stiff shaft. I close my eyes, silently moaning as images of Rachel fight to play in my head. Just this one time, I'll let them play. No one will know. As I permit myself, I drop the loofah on the shower floor and begin giving myself a well-deserving hand job. The intensity is blowing my senses, as I imagine Rachel and I in bed grinding our bodies together. Me, kissing her with passion, letting my hands explore every inch of her curves. Hearing her softly moan as I rub her G-spot over and over again. I imagine Rachel squeezing my shaft and pumping up and down, faster and faster until... I let out a silent reaction as I release myself on the shower floor and Rachel's loofah. Breathless and weak I pick up the loofah and wash it under the water. I hang it back on the showerhead, feeling fuckin guilty for giving in to my hidden thoughts. THAT will never happen again. I dry myself and shake all remaining thoughts out of my head as I give myself shit for even thinking that it was okay to do that. I hang the towel on the back of the door and step out into the hallway.

"OH!" I hear Rachel. She's walking up the stairs covering her eyes, "OH MY LORD JACOB. USE A TOWEL!!!"

"SORRY!!'' I yell as I run to my room slamming the door. I lean my back onto the door with a bang, "Fuck!!" I swear, covering myself, still semi-hard, with my hands. I hit the back of my head on the door. What the hell am I doing?!?!