Rachel

"Good night." These were the last words I said to Jacob. I closed the door and checked on Matty in my room. He was sleeping. I feel better looking at my baby boy.

It's you and me Matty boy. I thought with a smile. I gently close the door and quietly go downstairs.

"Hey, we're off. I'll call you tomorrow." Katie said as she and Gilbert say good night.

Katie turns around and very excitedly hugs me, "Isn't it great to finally have Jacob back!!"

I hug her back trying to keep the happy facade going just a few more minutes, "yeah."  Is all could say without being rude.

"And he's handsome too," Katie said, looking at me.

I so badly want to roll my eyes but I also want Katie to leave so...I gently rub Declan and Charlotte's sleepy heads, "Have a good night. Drive safe." I say as Katie and her family walk out the door. I stand at the door until they leave the driveway. I put the kettle on in the kitchen. I make myself a coffee. I need to regroup. I'm losing myself in unnecessary feelings.

I take my coffee as I walk out the front door and sit on the stairs. Bailey slowly comes over and lays beside me, "Hey boy. Are you tired too?" I say to the cute Golden lab as I start to rub his back." You like that don't you?" I ask in a baby voice as I rub Bailey.

"God Bailey, why did he come home? We were all doing fine without him." I sip my coffee.

I hear the door open. I look back to see Jacob walking out with a lit-up cigarette.

He looks my way "Oh. God. sorry Rachel.  I didn't know you were out here." Jacob says, sounding uncomfortable.

I turned back to my original position. "No. It's your mama's porch. You can come out anytime." I sarcastically rub in.

"Rachel. If we can't be on the porch together without fighting then I don't know what to do."

Mama Jane wouldn't be happy with me if I sent her son out.
   
"Fine. We will only talk to each other as needed."

"Rachel. Be reasonable. What did I do to you that you're so angry about?"

I stare out into the darkness, trying to hold on to my tears. Trying to hide the pain that is still in my heart. I don't want to talk to Jacob anymore. It's all falling on my deaf ears, as I ignored his question.

"You were down on your knees, crying."

"What?" I said, knowing exactly what he's talking about.

He took a deep breath, "it killed me to see what I saw. Leaving you. You asked me if I even looked back. You fell to the ground crying. It crushed me and gave me more reason to leave this town. I hurt you. I knew I didn't want to stay and I had no serious girlfriend because I knew I was leaving. Then I fell in love with you and I shouldn't have, knowing I was leaving."

I swallow hard hearing him talk about that night.

"I remember what you were wearing too. The blue summer dress that I loved seeing on you." I can hear his voice cracking, "You knew that I loved that dress and you told me you purposely wore it to see if I'd stay one more day."

Quickly, I wipe my tears, not showing my feelings that had been locked inside me all these years.

I hear Jacob move. I glanced to my left and saw him leaning on the porch railing taking a drag from his cigarette.

"I thought you quit smoking," I ask, changing the topic.
   
Jacob laughs, "Yeah you would think I did." Jacob butts out the cigarette, "Don't tell anyone. They will kill me."

"I don't care. It's your life." I said trying to hide the old feeling finding its way into my heart.

Jacob came down the stairs, sitting beside me, "actually. I was hoping not to see you here."

"Rude!"

"I mean. I know I left you heartbroken and I was too. I couldn't face you then and I didn't want to face you now."

I look off to the side. I didn't want to look at him, scared that my feelings would forgive him. "You hurt me so much. No calls, no visits. Nothing!"

"I know and I'm so sorry,"  Jacob said reaching for my hand.

I pulled it away, "no." 

Jacob looks up at me with a sad smile, "Sorry. I just... ."

"Jacob. I have a child. ," I interrupt him not wanting to hear his excuse, "I'm a mother now. I have no time to play these stupid games. You left me. If you wanted to be with me you should have done something then." I went into my pocket and put Lily's paper on Jacob's lap, "Here's two cell numbers of old wildflowers who are willing to ride in your Black Beauty into the fields while you're here" This time, I got up and left Jacob on the porch.

I quietly made my way to my room. I put on my nightgown and slowly crawl into my bed. I smile as I slide my little boy's feet to his side of the bed. I lean on my arm and look at Matty. His longish locks curl in the summer heat. His putty lips and Freckles across his nose.

I wipe my eyes with memories of the last five years. I thought marrying David was the right choice. He was a nice boy who was fond of me. We were dating for two weeks when we first slept together. Four months later we got married and shortly after that Matty was born. But I quickly realized that I was replacing Jacob. And David wasn't Jacob. I wipe more tears escaping from my eyes. I lightly give Matty a kiss on the back of his head. feelings of pride and guilt reached my heart. I didn't get a chance to go to college. I'm trying to complete a course online to get my teacher's degree. But I hadn't got into the swing of things to continue it. But we did it. And I know that Mama Jane would help me. And I'll help her.

"Mama." Matty woke up.

I wipe my eyes quickly, "hey baby." I whisper.
   
"Are you okay?" Matty asks.

I smiled at my little man, "Yes baby. I'm fine."

"Why are you crying?" He asks.

I felt my throat tighten, "No baby. I was... just ...laughing at a joke Gilbert said." I lie. 

"Oh."

I rearranged the blankets to tuck Matty in, "You go to sleep. It's school tomorrow." 

Matty snuggled into the blankets, "okay mama" he said, sleepily.

I kiss the back of his head again. I love my boy. I hug him gently and fall asleep.