Rachel

"Hi, Mama," Matty says climbing into the car. I smile. I feel better now that Mattys is with me.

"Hey Rachel, can we stop for ice cream? It's hot." Declan asks as he and the two other kids jump in.

"Do you have your book to read? Your mama's going to hang you soon if you don't get yourself together." 

Declan looks in his backpack, " Yeah it's here."

"Declan, school's important." I remind him.

He forces a tight smile, " I guess."

I mess with his hair, "It is. Now, Let's get that ice cream." I tease. I take a deep breath, " I've got some news for all of you." I say as I drive off.

"Will that be it ma'am?" The teenager asks from behind the counter at the ice cream shop.

I smile at him, " Yes Griffin. That's everything today." I grab my wallet.

" I got it." A man's voice purrs from behind me as I feel an arm pass by me and give some money to the teenager. I spin my head around to see who was being so generous and my eyes met with...Hayes.

He smiles at me, "Hi Rachel."  There's something about Hayes that makes my stomach flutter. I can't put my finger on it. His smile, his eyes twinkling at me. The smell of his cologne or the magnetic warmth that I feel when he stands close to me.

"Hi, Hayes." I blush, "You didn't have to do that. Here take it, " I said, handing him the cash in my hands.

"No ma'am. What kind of a gentleman would I be if I let you pay while I stand here."  He says looking at me,

I feel my cheeks getting hot. "Well thank you."  I smile.

"Can we leave now?" Gavin whines.

I look at Hayes feeling slightly embarrassed, "I'm sorry Hayes I have to run. Homework and all."

"No problem," Hayes smiles looking fondly at the kids then back to me, "I'll see you around, Rachel." 

I don't think I have ever felt my cheeks this hot, " Again, thank you for the ice cream." I say as I gather the kids with my hands and walk out of the ice cream shop.

"Rachel, are you feeling okay? Your cheeks look really red!?!" Charlotte questions looking at me with concern.

I gently pat my cheeks, feeling the heat, "Yeah I'm fine. It was just hot in the shop." 

"I thought it was cold there," Matty states.

We all get into the car. "Maybe you should have gotten an ice cream too, Rachel." Gavin's adds.

I reverse the car, " I'm good guys, just felt warm." I said trying to get out of the conversation.

"Dinners ready, everyone!" Jacob calls. He's on a guilt trip mission to make everyone forgive him. He cleaned the washrooms and did the laundry. He plans to clean the kitchen and the sunroom. It was decided that he and - Zoe would sleep in the sunroom.

"Hey Rachel, can you put the glasses on the table for me?"  Jacob asks as he spoons the pasta into the big serving bowl. I grab a few glasses and place them on the table. The kids start filling the seats chattering as Mama Jane and Katie come into the kitchen.

" Hi, Uncle Jacob. I heard you're getting married."

Jacob shoots a look my way. I challenge his stare, " What? Would you have preferred your sister tell them?"

Jacob stares, contemplating the idea and continues with what he is doing, "And what do you think about it?" He asks Charlotte.

Charlotte smiles, " Can I wear a Princess dress to the wedding?"

Jacob laughs. I smile looking at Charlotte. " Yes, you can Charlotte," Jacob replies.

"Rachel, are you feeling better now?" Charlotte asks, looking at me.

My eyes pop open as I look at her, "I'm feeling good sweetheart." I say.

"Were you not feeling good?" Mama Jane asks, fixing herself at the end of the table.

I place the last glass down, "just felt hot —,"

"At the ice cream shop It's cold there,"  Charlotte adds as she intervenes.

"Why would you get hot at the ice cream shop?" Katie asks, looking at me confused.

Why is this happening to me? "It's no big deal guys. I feel fine now." Probably sounding snippy by now.

"Mama's cheeks got red after talking to that tall man." 

I beam a look at Matty. Oh no. I really didn't want anyone to start talking about it. Especially after Jacob announced his... engagement.

"Ooo, who's the lucky guy Rachel?" Katie asks with googly eyes as she sits on her chair. Jacob puts the big bowl of pasta on the table. I see him biting his lip as he sits beside Declan and Charlotte, looking at me with conflict.

"Ah, Hayes Gordon. He happened to walk in the shop while we were there." I casually said, sitting down and pouring water into my glass.

"Oh, he's handsome." Katie sings.

"He even bought our ice cream for us. He said he's a gentleman and wouldn't let Rachel pay for the ice cream."  Charlotte continues. I look at the little girl. She's not purposely being evil but she doesn't understand the complexity of relationships. That will come later. I glance over to Jacob whose gestures of serving himself pasta are quick and jagged. He's anxious.

"Sounds like bad news to me," Jacob murmurs.

"Sounds like a sweetheart to me." Katie pipes in, "I think you should go for it."

I choke on my water, " Katie there's nothing to go for."

"He's Billy's brother. Don't you think that would be awkward?" Jacob questions, looking at Katie.

"For who?" Katie yaps looking at Jacob, " You? Billy is your friend, not Rachel's."

"I'm not going anywhere with anyone. Hayes was doing what he was raised to do. Be kind and a gentleman. That's it" I say, trying to control my tone.

"Let's finish eating our meal." Mama Jane says, looking at Katie. "Later you can finish this conversation if it's worth it."

Everyone eats in silence.

*****

"Mama, I'll be back in a couple of hours. Going to hang out with Billy."  I hear Jacob call out at the front hall. I finish washing the dinner dishes as Katie drys them off.

"Okay, sweetheart. You stay safe out there." Mama Jane calls out.

"He's going to be a married man, mama. He better know how to behave." Katie shouts.

"I love you too Katie," Jacob calls out sarcastically, as he leaves out the front door.

"Was that really called for Katie?" I ask her.

"Rachel, aren't you upset with Jacob for not telling us about Zoe?" Katie integrates.

"Not really." I lie, "He's a grown man and lives in the city. Did you think he wouldn't have found someone?" 

"Well I thought he'd come back and —" Katie stops talking.

"What?" I ask.

"Maybe I was hoping he and you would..."

My eyes widen. "Katie, that wouldn't work."

"Why not? You guys practically grew up together." Katie says.

I focus on washing the dishes. I can't argue with Katie. I thought the same thing earlier today. Thank God Zoe called when she did. I would have been an idiot telling Jacob about my feelings for him and Matty. He wouldn't stay now. He has a life, far bigger than he has or would have here. He has a house being built for him and his future wife. A successful career and everything else he needs in the city. Mama said nothing more needs to be said and nothing more will be said on my part.

"Well?" I hear Katie.

"Well, what?" I am getting tired of this subject.

"Don't you think you and Jacob would be better together?"

I turn to face Katie and Lie to her, " Jacob said it best, you have to be in love with the person. Jacob and I are not in love. We're just...friends." I dry my hands, " Stop trying to be my big sister too." I said. I hope that comment sends Katie home. I want to be alone now.

Katie's expression tells me it did, " Well, I think we had enough announcements for one day. I'll gather my kids and get out of your hair."

A sinking feeling comes over my chest, " Katie I'm sor–,"
   
"No, you're right. I have no right to push you or Jacob to be together or choose who you guys are with. I want everyone to be happy and I thought you two together would be. But Jacob's engaged and this man Hayes seems to fancy you."

" Katie.."

Katie grabs my arms and looks at me, " I love you. You have always been my little sister. I just don't want to see you be alone any longer. It pains me to see you sacrifice your life to stay here with Mama and I will forever be grateful but you need to find happiness. Next time that Hayes boy talks to you, you ask him out."

I burst out laughing, " Katie."

"No, I mean it. You can live your life, you know. You are a woman and deserve attention too."

I smile at Katie's failed attempt to make me feel better. If only she knew what I have already gone through...with Jacob. She might not say such kind words to me. I force a smile, "Okay. I will take care of myself better."

Katie smiles and hugs me, "And whether you like it or not, I'm the only one who can be your big sister so take it."

I hug Katie back. "And I wouldn't change that for the world."

Katie lets go of me, "Okay. I'm going to leave. I'll pop by tomorrow before I go to the flower shop.

I nod my head. Katie and the kids get themselves together. We wave at the door to them. Matty runs inside, " Get ready for bed Matty. Brush your teeth and say your prayers." I shout.

" Rachel, can I talk to you?" Mama Jane asks as she rolls herself back on the porch looking out. I stand by her side. "I'm sorry about the events today."

"Oh Mama Jane, you didn't know..." I start.

" No I didn't know, but I pushed you to consider telling Jacob about Matty. I'm sorry."

" I crunch down beside Mama Jane and take her hands into mind, "Don't worry yourself about it. I know you're doing this out of love. I will eventually tell JAcob."

Mama Jane looks at me with tears in her eyes, "This is all my fault. I didn't know it would turn like this."

"Oh Mama, " I hug Mama Jane. I bet she's hurt. Hurt that Jacob did not have the decency to tell her about Zoe all these years. For a Mama, this is worse than dying, "You know Jacob; always independent." I say trying to rescue her. 

Mama moves away from me, wiping her tears, " Enough about Jacob, what about this boy Hayes."

I look at her embarrassed, " There's nothing to tell. He's a nice boy, cute, but..."

"But what?" Mama Jane repeats.

"I don't know if I'm even ready to find someone else. Or to put Matty through that too."

" Well you don't have to marry the first one who lays eyes on you, but going out for an evening with someone isn't a bad thing either. Rachel, you spend your days caring for me, Matty, doing the house chores, picking up the groceries, the kids, making meals, getting my medicine and everything in between." Mama puts her fingers on my chin to loft my head to her direction, " you don't even have friends here. So, when a gentleman asks you out —,"

"If." I corrected her.

Mama Janes smiles at me gently, " When. When a gentleman asks you to go out, do so and enjoy."

It's cute how Mama Jane thinks she knows everything. And at one point when I was younger it seemed that she did. 'Mama knows best.' is what Katie and Jacob would repeatedly say. I thought it was her superpowers, now I think it's a kid thing that we think every adult has superpowers.

************

At last everyone's in bed. I turn the night light on in the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. Finally a moment to myself. It's been hectic and I'm starting to feel it. It was just Mama Jane, Matty and myself most days. Even Katie and the family didn't come over as often as they are now. Ever since Jacob came back. I lift the kettle just before it whistles so as not to wake anyone up. I want to be by myself right now. I want to cry now.

Quietly, I walk to the porch swing. It was a clear night. Perfect for stargazing. I can see the neighbours' lights twinkle in the distance. The smell of the grass in the warm air as it blows by. makes the tears on my cheeks feel cold. I'm not sure if I'm upset with Jacob or feel sorry for myself. I don't know how I'm going to feel seeing Jacob with another woman. He was never in a serious relationship except with me. The other wildflowers hurt, but they never amounted to anything more than a night or two in the Black Beauty. But when Jacob and I were together, he never went with a 'wildflower" again. I take a deep breath, the anxiety of the anticipation of the next few days is killing me. Maybe Matty and I should go to the hotel while Zoe and Jacob stay here with Mama Jane? But will that cause more chaos? Maybe I'll bury myself in my school work. Keep me away. I don't think anyone would be suspicious.

I see lights coming up the driveway. Black Beauty is coming home. I quickly wipe my tears and wrap the blanket tightly around me, searching for one of Mama Jane's magazines that she keeps out here. I fold the magazine in one hand and hold my coffee in the other pretending to be immersed in what I'm pretending to read.

'Did you wait for me?' I hear Jacob's voice as he walks towards me."

I look up at him., "No. I got tied up reading this article." I said lifting the magazine to show Jacob that I was busy.

He stares at me, " In the dark? Ray, you can't see the words."

Feeling defeated, I tossed the magazine on the floor, " I was taking some time to be on my own. Your Mama suggested it."

Jacob sits beside me on the swing, bending over and rubbing his hands together, " how's Mama taking the news of my engagement?"

I look at him in the dark, it;'s hard to see his expression but his tone tells me he feels guilty.

"She's hurt, but she loves you."

He nods his head.

"Jacob, why didn't you tell anyone about... your relationship?'

Jacob continues to rub his hands, "the truth?"

I look at him, "Well yeah. It was enough for you to risk getting your mama and sister mad."

Jacob puts his head down. You can feel the intensity expanding from his body, making me feel nervous too.

    "ugh!! '' Jacob jumps up out of frustration. He walks to the railing, looking out into the darkness.

"I spent years trying not to think about you. Now, you are the only one I try so hard to make feel better and make sure you're okay."

I swallow the big lump in my throat. I can't talk. What is he saying?

Jacob turns around and leans on the railing, crossing his hands in front of himself, " I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to know that I had a girlfriend. When I heard you were married and moved away I was happy because..." Jacob stops.

I can't process what Jacob's saying. I don't understand how his guilty feelings stop him from having a relationship with his Mama and sister, "So you stopped talking to your family in fear that I would find out about your life. Do you think I'm that weak or needy, that I wouldn't be able to handle your life decisions after you left me?" I question Jacob's motives...or lies.

"Rachel, look at you now. Are you happy with your life's choice?"

What the hell is this? I get up from the swing and walk up in front of Jacob. He straightens himself up and seems uncomfortable with me in his personal space, "First of all, the Lord has blessed me with a beautiful son. I get to spend days with someone who is like a Mama to me since mine has passed away. I get to spend days learning and laughing with your family, watching your Niece and Nephew grow up. I get to greet folks who tell me stories about my folks, including stories about their childhood. It's not what I thought would be my life, but I love who's in my life .... and who is not. Goodnight!"