Rachel
I open my eyes to the morning sunlight. Taking a deep breath I sadly realize today is the engagement party. It's here. A tightness around my chest builds up. Today watch the man I'm fighting to not fall in love with again, prepare to live his life with a woman I can't be. I'm fighting the residue of guilt as my mind flashes images of my son's lifeless body being carried in his father's arms and neither one knowing about the other. I always thought it would be him and I. I take a deep breath and shake these old silly thoughts out. He's not yours. I tell myself as I reach for my phone. Hayes has left 9 messages. I avoided his calls last night. After talking to Jacob yesterday, I avoided all men.

instead I took Matty out for a horseback ride and a picnic by the stream. I needed to focus on one young man right now... my son.

Today I have to get through the engagement party for the man I'm fighting to not fall in love with again to a woman I can't be. I'm fighting the residue of guilt as my mind flashes images of my son's lifeless body being carried in his father's arms and neither one knowing about the other.

"Mama?" I turn to see Marty's sleepy eyes looking at me. I smile. I love the feeling in my soul when I look at Matty. The only thing that worked for me. The flutter feeling in my heart and I lean my head to touch his,

"Good morning Matty." I whisper.

Matty smiles, " can I go outside again today? I promise I won't get stung by a bee."

I smile. If only it was that easy to just will it. "Being that it's the engagement party today, yes. I'll buy the other medicine and bug sprays to help.

Matty jumps out of bed, throwing the blankets towards me, "YEAH!!!" He shouts, getting out of bed and running out the door, leaving it ajared.

I lay my head on my hand prompting myself up to my side. I don't need to leave here. Everything I want is here, "Matty, closed the door." i shout after him.

"I'll do it." I hear Jacob's voice as his hand wraps around the edge of my bedroom door.

I lift the blackets over my chest as i sit up, " ah thank you."

"Rachel. Just answer me this and i will leave you alone. Do you want me back into your life?"

I sigh. My heart achs, knowing I wasn'tthe one who broke us up. He left me, and proposed to someone else. " NO." I answer, weakly.

He said nothing. just this hand at the door remains.

"Okay. tomorrow Zoe and I are leaving."

I nod my head as tears build up. I'm choking on my own decision to keep silent about my true feelings and hurt that if he felt the same he never came looking for me as Hayes had done, " Okay." i answer.

"I want you to know, and this is from the bottom of my heart." Jacob starts in a low voice, " I have always loved you. You have always been the one, but..." Jacob's voice cracks, " eventually, you wouldn't want to be with me. I felt I wasnt good enough for you and you deserved better." i silently sob, " when i heard you got married, i was happy. That by me leaving gave you a chance to find someone who would treat you better. When i saw you here, it felt like time never passed, and i was right back where we left off, except, life did go on. You have a son and i was engaged."

"Jacob you dont have –." i start trying hard not to control my sobs..

"Let me say this Ray. Im sorry for hurting you then and now. I want you to be happy and i thought i could do that without hurting you. Seeing you with Hayes...or anyone is like a knife ripping through my chest. I love you, i will always love you and if life had gone any other way.... I will always have a place in my heart for you." Jacob stop right there. We were both silent. "That's all i wanted to say to you." he was silent again. I can't find words to say, "Breakfast is ready. If you want" I watch Jacob's hand move and he closes my bedroom door.

I sat there is shock. Tears falling down my face. My heart torn into more pieces than i ever thought it could. This will be over. Jacob's leaving tomorrow and I will be heart broken by the same man...again.

It took awhile but i did manage to compose myself and join everyone for breakfast. Matty and Mama Jane are eating their becon and eggs alone.

"Good morning Rachel." Mama Jane greets.

I smile, " where's everyone?" i ask, really wondering where Jacob is.

"Zoe and Jacob are outside setting the tables. Katie and the family will be here soon withthe flowers." Mama Jane said, staring at me.

I nodded my head as i place some food on my plate.

"Can I go outside with Uncle Jacob and aunty Zoe?" Matty pipes up taking his plate to the sink.

I look up at him.

"Yes go ahead." Mam Jane speaks.

I look at her in shook, "Mama Ja–" I start.

"He will be fine." Mama Jane says gently smiling at me.

Matty jumps with excitement, " I would get stung." He says running out the back door.
I place my elbows on the table and hold my head up in my hands.

"Rachel?" i hear mama jane say.

"I know. he 's going to be okay. He needs to learn to live with it." i say, knowing what mam Jane was going to say to me.

" I was going to say, I'm sorry."

I look at mam Jane. tear begin to build in my eyes.

Mam jane puts her fork downand grabs her napkin and gently dabs the corner of her mouth, " I'm sorry i asked Jacob to come. My attemp wasnt to hurt you. I simply wanted to see my son." her voice cracks, " it had been a long time and im getting older. I honestly didnt have a idea about Zoe and i didnt know...." Mama Jane sat back on her wheelchair taking a deep breath looking right at me, " that you would fall in love with him again."

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and quickly got up with my plate and walke towards the sink, " Its nothing," i chuckle, " i should get use to it by know."

" but you have Hayes, right? He seems like a good man. A good family, and he adores you." Mama Jane says.

I lean onthe counter, " Yes. he is." i say, unsure of how i feel for him.
"Rachel sometimes life gives too many options. And each ones have pros and cons and hurdles to pass." mama says.

I let out a slight sob and nod my head. Life sucks too.

Mama Jane clears her thoat, " well in light of all that has happen, i do have something to say and i'm not sure how –"

"Hello!?." Katie's voice travels throught he house as she and her family walk into the house. I quickly wipe my tears and turn to wash the dishes.

"Hi Mama," Katie says walking into the kitchen with a big box in her arms. She places it on the counter and looks around, " Why isn't the kitchen cleaned yet."

"Late start to breakfast." mama Jane says putting her untenlis on her empty plate.

"Where's Jacob and Zoe?" Katie asks looking at Mama Jane.

" they're outside setting the tables." Mama Jane answers.

"Okay, well the guest are here in two hours so we need everyone to help." katie says looking at Gilbert, who's also caring a box. " hon, take that box outside and set the vases and the flowers." Gilbert walks pass us nodding his head as he smiles at mama jane and I. " Declan and Gavin go outside and help. Charlotte, you help Rachel clean up the kitchen."

Thank goodness Katie's in the mood to get this party ready. I dont anymore i want to run. Run away from everyone here. Thia would have been easier if I – No i cant think that way. I choose to keep Matty. I knew the risks that would come from keeping Matty. I wanted a piece of Jacob, even if i never have him. We terminated one pregnacy but when i found out i was pregnat again, i wanted to keep this baby. I finish washing the dishes and walking pass everyone quickly.

"Where are you going Ray?" Katie shouts, as i open the front door.

I swallow the hard spot in my throat, hoping i can control my voice, " to feed the horses. They need to eat."

"Okay, but dont take too long. We got a few things to get done." katie shouts back.
I walk quickly towards that horse.

Control yourself Rachel. I scold myself, you knew the risks. You knew there was a chance that jacob wouldnt come back for you. I say to myself as i repeat his confession this morning to me. How could he love me and marry someone else. Why does he think he would hurt me? I strighten myself up. What a jerk. What an asshole. I thought. I reach the horss and watch them as they eat their food. Mmm. someone feed them already. I lean my head on the wooden fence and closed my eyes. I feel the warm breeze blow lightly on my hair and the mid-morning light of the sun warm on my face. My body shivers. I take my first deep breath since Jacob's arrival. You got his Rachel. You are a strong woman. You have been taking care of everything and in control of it. He's an asshole and you dont nned someone like that in your life. I take another deep breath, finally able to relax again. If he's confused, that's his problem. Not mine. And i dont want someone whos confused in my life. I sat up, I have Hayes and, who knows, maybe he and I are meant to be together. At least he's not confused. I smile. I'm going to get ready for this party. Put my best dress on, do myhair and make up and show Jacob what he lost. I smile and walk back to the house. This time with my head held high.

"To Jacob and Zoe. May all you dreams come true and your home be filled with joy." I hear mam Jane say as i walk into the house. The adults are in the kitchen holding glasses filled with a bubbly beverage as the children's glasses are filled with orange juice.

Katie looks back at me, " perfect timing." she gives me a glass and pulls me beside her in the kitchen. Mam Jane continues with her speech. But i dont hear her. Jacob is standing across from me. Staring at me. We lock eyes for a moment. No. Im not falling for this anymore.

"Cheeres!!" I hear Mama Jane says as we left our glasses. I look at Jacob and Lift my glass to him. I smile with confidence. Im done with you. I sip my glass. It's champagne and it goes down smooth. I gulp the remaining in the glass. I close me eyes, emerging into the coolness of the champagn calming my nerves.

"A refill?" I here Katie's voice whisperin my ear, "This might be a long afternoon."

I smile at Katie. She has no idea how long its goingto be for me, " Yes please." i say holding my glass to her.

Katie pours less this time, " just alittle Rachel, we're not drinkers. We have to be able to host the party or mam's going to hang us.

I nod and take the champagne like a shot. Katie takes my glass and looks at me, " let's get dressed."

Out back looks stunning. I look around at my decorations. Several tables with white tablecloths, golden flower rim plates and cutlery and glasses set for each guest. Katie and Giberts stunning bouquets filled with pink and yellow hydrangeas adorn each table. The folding chairs dressed with white covers and gold colour bows hanging on each ones back.
The big tree looks beautiful withthe handing fairy lights twinkling. Its sunny this afternoon, but the shade of the leaves cast enough darkness for the fairly lights to be seen.

A round table is my the big tree, dressed with a cake. The cake is simple. White icing with pink and yellow flowers. The inscription on the cake, ' Congratulations Jacob and Zoe'. Next to the cake are glasses and bottles of champagne, mean to have when the toss' are made later today. I walk over to one of the bottles. I casually pour a glass on the edge of the group. It wont be noticed if i take it. I put the bottle down, hoping no one is watching me. I take the glass and walk away from the table.

"Rachel!!" I hear (((( HAyES MOM>)) embraces me, shaking the glass in my hand.

"Hi Mrs. ________."

_______smiles at me, "im so happy to seee you. Hayes cant stop talking about you. He's all smithen with you young lady." Mrs. _______ teases smiling from ear to ear. I look at mrs. _____ and, i dont know if its the champagne setting in, but i could see her as my mother-in-law. That would be funny wouldnt it? Jacobs' best friend would be my brother-in-law. I smirk at the thought. He would suffer watching me happy in their family. Billy would share family stories and Jacob would have to hear how happy i am.

" I haven't seen Jane yet." Mrs. _____ asks forcing me to focus on the party again. " she sould be at her seat. I'll take you to her."

Mrs.____ and i walk past a few guests. I catch Jacob, standing by Zoe talking to a couple of guests. His gaze following me. I hope the thought hit him like a ton of bricks. Yes im walking your best friends mama and she could possible beecome my mother-in-law. I walk tall and smile my biggest smile siping my glass hoping he's regretting every word he has ever said to me.

"Jane!!" Mrs. _____ shouts behind me, "Congratulations!!" Mrs. ____ leans down and give mam Jane a big hug. I smile at the sight.

"Thank you!!! Can you believe it. My Jakie's getting married!!" Mam Jane says.

Mrs. ___ sits on the chair next to Mama Jane, " Soon will come more grandchildre." she laughs, " i cant wait to see Jacob as a father!"

My eyes go wide as mam Jane makes a quick glance at me. I grab another champagne bottle on the table and fill my glass to the rim.

" Hey! Where's Declan?" I hear Katie ask as she gently lens into me.
I glup my glass, " im not sure. Why?" i say, with some struggle to focus on Katie.

Katoe looks at me, " how many drinks have you had already?"

I smile at Katie, "This is my second from the one you gave me." i lied.
Katie stars at me, " Don't drink anymore after this one. You're not a drinker and it will hit you hard. The last thing we need is a hostess drunk."
I smile and nod at Katie, "Last one." I promised.

Katie smiles, " Keep an eye out for Declan. I don't want him to misbehave, especially today."

I smile at Katie's mother protection side, " i will."

I walk off, smiling at the guest, focusing on walking straight. When i feel arms wrap around my waist. Jacob?!?

"Of all the ladies here, you are far more beautiful then them and even the flowers surrounding us." i close my eyes, filled with guilt as i realize it's Hayes.

"I dont think by far the most beautiful one, hayes." i say turning to face him.

The smell of his cologne surrounds me, mising with the taste of the chapmge in my mouth.

" Whats woring?" hayes says with concern.

I smile at him. My head slightly dizzy, " nothing just a head ach coming on."

" do you want ot go inside?" hayes offers.

I shake my head. " no i have to stay and help. It's nothing." I say as I put my glass down at a table near me, " you could get me a drink?" i say with a smile, " white wine please."

Hayes looks at me confused, " with a headach?"

"It's probably from the stress of getting the party together. Maybe a glass of wine will... lossen me up alittle." I say.

Hayes smiles, " i'll be right back." he says and walks off.

I quickly grab my glass again and turn around. My eyes land on an older couple walking out to the porch from the back door that I knew too well. But the shock to my heart came when I saw their son with them. I nervously gulped the remaining champagne, turning back around holding the table with my hands. Panic starts to fill my body. I can't breathe. I can't talk. I see spots in my vision. I can't believe he came. The nerve of him showing up, he doesn't even know Jacob!!

"Here's your drink my Lady." I hear Hayes. I take the glass from his hand and chug the wine.

"Rachel! What are yo–"

" I have to go pee." i say stumbling away from Hayes and trying to make my escape away from David's view.