Chapter 34 - New Life

Life as a free girl who does whatever she wants is great. At the beginning a bit overwhelming because I know I don’t have anyone to answer to but myself. This taste of freedom is the sweetest thing I’ve ever tried and I waited for this for six years and it was worth it. It was so worth it.

I don’t have Rhonda nagging me to do what she wants. I don’t have to worry about fighting her because that’s over. I don’t have two annoying stepsisters ordering me to do what they want. No one has power over me anymore, not that kind of power. All the time I have is only for myself, I decide what I do next. I’m not a slave, I’m not a piece of a sick game.

I’m free.

And every time I think about that I feel like crying because there’s nothing more beautiful than this.

Yet not everything is sweet because it’s too recent. I still think of Rhonda and all what she did, all what she made me do and the things I gave up for her, and the thing which hurts the most is Niall. Yes, it still hurts but I’m moving on, just not as fast as I’d like to.

It’s funny how heartbreak works. One day you think the world is over and that nothing has meaning because all the brightness is gone with him (or her), but you are still there, breathing, moving and you don’t have another option but to carry on. And eventually you find yourself realising that you have moved on, that it doesn’t hurt that badly anymore and that you’re stronger than what you thought, that he or she wasn’t your whole world even though it felt like that at some point. You realise your world is larger than one relationship. And you accept that one day you’ll get your heart broken again but Charlie once told me that some things are worth getting our heart broken. That’s quite clever so I’m not sure it was his idea, but that’s not the point. The point is that heartbreak is part of life and even if it seems impossible at some point, it stops hurting.

In my case it still hurts because I guess I fell harder for Niall than I thought and it’s not easy to move on, especially because I see the face of my ex everywhere. Being in the retreat centre kept me in a bubble. I saw celebrities but just as I saw other people, now I see them as they are for the rest of the world: the cover of magazines and billboards. I see Niall on every teen magazine, I hear him on the radio, I see him on the double-decker! It was horrible the first few times, but I’m getting used to it. Just now I’m really grasping the magnitude of Niall’s fame. And Harry’s. And all of them, to be honest. How they are always on the spot. Sometimes I imagine what would have happened if I had decided to give up and surrender to Rhonda’s game and be with Niall. I’d be on those magazines, with Niall, with people asking where I came from, how I ended up with him and with thousands of fans hating on me just because Niall chose me. My life would’ve been in gossip magazines just like Eleanor's. She wasn’t a celebrity in the centre, just the girlfriend of one, yet she’s in the magazines as well. On the telly they talk about her, too.

I don’t know if I would have been able to cope with that just after I set free from Rhonda’s prison. It would’ve been too much. Seeing all the magazines and how Niall doesn’t really have a private life reassures me I did the right thing. Plus, it wouldn’t have worked out. After disappearing for three months their lives are chaos and I think the consequences of that decision of staying longer at the centre are too big to handle.

I wish them luck.

Niall has a life so public and hectic, he’s a slave of his own fame, very much like I was Rhonda’s slave. But I’m free now and I don’t know if he’ll ever feel like I feel now, but I hope he does. I hope he'll one day feel like his life is his again. I hope he'll feel free again. If not, he can always go back to the centre. At least there he will have some peace.

I’m glad I left that place to Rhonda, at least she’s doing something nice for other slaves… although she made me her prisoner somehow.

I guess not everything is as bad as we like to think.

+ + + + +

It’s been almost two months since I left the retreat centre and I started my new life and yes, it still feels as sweet as the first week and I don’t get tired of my freedom. I have loads of things to do, so much things to study and I even got a small part time job just to make some extra money. I’m awfully busy, but I’m happy because this is my choice, this is what I want to do. And my boss is a really nice old man.

I work at a bookshop. Isn’t that sweet? And yes, the Harry Potter series is always in display and the pretties of them all.

Liv is doing great. She’s working at a nice spa and she’s building a great reputation. Charlie is really stressed with all what he has to study, but we manage. We help each other and we give us rewards from time to time.

I’ve got wasted a few times, that was quite the experience. And it was great not having to work the next day. Although I don’t appreciate the hangover.

Long story short, I’m fine. I’m happy.

Of course, there’s still a little hole in my chest and I guess I can’t ask to fill it in a couple of weeks. It’ll take so much longer, but I’m okay. It’s not keeping me from living my life.

I miss him, you know? Sometimes when I’m about to fall asleep I think of him, of all those days together, of our horse ridings at twilight, of all those sappy things he made me do just for the sake of being sappy. I just think of him and how happy he made me, in a very different way as from how happy I am now. But you can’t always get what you want and sometimes it’s just not the right time. It wasn’t Niall and I’s time, I know that.

But he apparently doesn’t know that.

One day Charlie sends me a text saying that he is running a bit late so I need to wait for him outside the Chemistry laboratories. As a good friend I do as told and wait for him. It’s late and as any Friday, all students are long gone, hoping to get a good weekend and I wish I could do the same. I just hope Charlie hurries up.

“Ella,” I hear someone calling me and ready to leave I turn around just to find not Charlie, but the blond guy I thought I wouldn’t see again in person but only on the cover of magazines.

“Niall,” I say, too surprised, holding my breath and blinking quickly. “Wha-what are you doing here?” I ask next, fighting to put myself together.

“I decided I wanted to mix some chemicals, you know? I like pretty colours,” he answers with a smile and I can’t help it, I chuckle, grateful that he made a joke to ease the environment. “I wanted to see you. I mean, I’ve wanted to see you since I left the retreat centre but just today I had the night off.”

I’m not surprised that he hasn’t had time, considering they disappeared for three months, but I still feel sorry for him.

“How did you find me?” I ask next as he shoves his hands in his pockets and takes a few steps closer.

“Well, you told me you were coming to study medicine in Oxford, so I just had to ask for some favours. I found Charlie first and he helped.” I nod and chuckle to myself, not impressed. That friend of mine, he’ll never stop being a sucker for cliché meetings. “Ella…” Niall speaks, bringing me back to reality. “It’s been a while already and I’ve missed you all this time.”

I look at him, trying to figure out what to say. A part of me is happy that he’s missed me, but another part is scared because hearing him might bring back everything I’ve done to forget about him. “I’ve missed you, too,” I answer although that’s not the wisest option.

Niall smiles brightly as he takes three steps closer, only stopping when we’re face-to-face. “I’ve come for you, Ella,” he adds taking his left hand from his pocket and cupping my face softly.

I didn’t realise until then how much I missed his touch. I close my eyes and enjoy the moment because it won’t last for too long.

“You can’t expect that we’re gonna get back together, Niall,” I say and I feel him tensing and I see the shock in his eyes when I open mine. “I’ve missed you and it was great while it lasted. I may not be in the retreat centre anymore, but that doesn’t change that Rhonda still exists.”

“Ella,” Niall speaks, his voice is harsh and I know he wasn’t expecting this. He was expecting me to throw myself to his arms, but that’s not going to happen. “I’ve given you time to realise that was a mistake. I gave you a lot of time. I didn’t push you. You can’t still believe that.” I can hear the disbelief in his voice and I shake my head, breaking the contact to his hand.

“Niall, I know you don’t understand it but that wasn’t a mistake. Breaking up with you that day wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice. I had to choose between being with you and betraying myself, or staying true to myself but giving up on you. I chose the latter and that wasn’t a mistake. I chose to refuse being part of Rhonda’s scheme,” I try to explain to him. “And making that choice wasn’t a mistake. It hurt then, it still hurts now sometimes, but I don’t regret it.”

I know my words hurt him, but I won’t lie to him to just embrace the sappy ending he wants. I know some times I wish I could have him and my freedom, and that feeling that I’m not part of Rhonda’s game in any sense, but that doesn’t mean I regret what I did. I know I made the choice I can live with.

“I still love you,” he says and I know he hopes that that will break my determination and it almost does because he never said it before. He asked me if I loved him and I answered, but he never said it back. I guess I knew, but it still different to hear him saying it. “Very much, Ella. I can’t just give up on you.”

“I’m sorry, Niall. I still love you and probably a part of me always will, but I will never be a piece in Rhonda’s game. I’m done with that and I can’t go back to her schemes when I’m finally out.”

He takes a sharp breath and ruffles his hair, getting mad. I know it.

“But you are. You still are. Don’t you see?” He spats and now I’m offended. “You let her control you. You still let her. Don’t you see she made you break up with me? She manipulated you to do that. She used you to defeat yourself.”

“She didn’t defeat me!” I protest.

“But she manipulated you and you let her! She got what she wanted and you are still letting her win!” He says louder and I take a step closer. “She wanted you to break up with me because she knew you were happy with me, and you did what she wanted. She used your hatred against you, Ella. Why can’t you see that?”

I blink in surprise, remembering that bizarre day and everything that happened. I think of all those years under her care.

“You think you won because you've never let her manipulate you, but you did. All the time you've let her control your movements and decisions!” He carries on and it’s hard to breathe because he may be right. “Ella, don’t let her keep controlling you.”

I look away when he tries to reach me, thinking, trying to understand and make sense out of everything.

“Maybe you’re right,” I say in a whisper and I hear him snort. “But you’re still a piece in her game and you can’t escape from her. You say she used you against me, she may do that again.”

“Because I’m a celebrity. You won’t let that go, will you?” He says and I hear the note of defeat in his voice.

“I’m out of her game and I won’t be part of it again. I won’t be her piece anymore. I can escape; I did escape. I’m not going back, Niall,” I repeat looking him in the eyes again and even if it hurts, I know what I’m doing. “You’re one of her many pieces and I just want to break free from everything about her. That includes you.”

“They say being famous would get me any girl,” he mumbles looking away, shoving both hands inside his pockets again, shrugging.

“This time it got you to be a piece of Rhonda’s game,” I continue for him and he shrugs again.

“It got me to lose my princess,” he says and that shatters my heart all over again. “Maybe one day I’ll be out of her game, too. Maybe one day when my fame fades away we can be together,” he suggests and I see the hopeful glimmer in his eyes and now I shrug.

“Maybe,” I say. “This is not the right time, but there may be one in the future. Just maybe.”

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @SaraMapayanStylinson. Thanks for appreciating Ella and understanding her.

Bel, xx