CHAPTER TWO
( FIRE DRILLS ARE USELESS )

        LUCKY SAT IN her unassigned but assigned seat, which was next to Lucas, in the choir room. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she watched Mr. Schue write something on the whiteboard.

"Alright," the Spanish teacher spun around to face the teenagers. "Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?"

"He discovered America," Brittany answered, which Lucky figured was a close enough answer — especially coming from the blonde girl.

"Close," Mr. Schue claimed. "He did write an iconic chart-topper, Sailing." Lucky rolled her eyes. She'd never heard of the guy. "Now, some people think of the term easy listening as a bad thing, but I'm gonna let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled and restrained." He started handing out sheet music. "It doesn't have to attack an audience. It can let them come to you."

Lucky looked down at the paper. Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross.

"How can you get caught between the moon and New York City?" Finn asked. "They're like a 100 miles apart."

"How you made it past 5th grade will always be a mystery to me," Lucky mumbled.

"Mr. Schue?" Kurt raised his hand. "If I may, I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth adult contemporary. . . It's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled over five members. The ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by — wait for it — Miss Britney Spears."

"Yo, Spears is fierce, yo," Artie remarked as everyone began to excitedly agree with the idea.

"Sorry, Kurt," Mr. Schue cleared his throat, but nobody was listening to him. "Kurt. Sorry. No." The excited chatter quickly died down. "No — No. I don't think she's a very good role model."

"But, Mr. Schue, we kinda grew up with her," Rachel — who had been the last person Lucky ever expected to root for Brittany Spears — protested.

"She's an icon," Lucky insisted.

"She's literally why I wanted to become a performer," Tina agreed.

"I don't want to do Britney," Brittany quietly admitted.

"Why no Britney, Brittany?" Kurt wondered.

"Because my name is also Britney Spears," the cheerleader revealed, making everyone look at her in confusion.

"What?" Mr. Schue furrowed his eyebrows.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Mercedes demanded.

"My middle name is Susan," Brittany explained. "My last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S Pierce. Brittany Spierce. I've lived my entire life in Brittany Spears' shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S Pierce, can escape from the torment of Britney Spears."

"Well, there you have it guys," Mr. Schue motioned to Brittany. "It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry."

"Thanks, Britt," Kurt looked at the blonde. "Thanks a lot."

"Leave Brittany alone," Santana defended.

"Thank you for understanding," Brittany gave Santana a thankful smile. "It's been a hard road."

"Um, can we move on?" Rachel requested.

"Yes," Mr. Schue nodded. "Let's talk about Michael Bolton."

☆ ★☆

        "HE'S HOT, RIGHT?" Lucky muttered, leaning toward Lucas since Santana was too far away from her. "Like, I'm not going insane?"

Um. . ." Lucas glanced back at the dentist standing in front of him. Dr. Carl Howell was giving the Glee Club a speech about the importance of dental hygiene. "Yeah. I mean, I guess he's handsome."

"Alright," Dr. Howell began, holding up a small pill. "You chew this little capsule. Now, if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue."

"Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?" Santana commented, making Lucky grin. She knew that the girl would agree with her.

"Yeah, I get that all the time," Dr. Howell replied.

"No, like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever—"

"Santana!" Miss Pillsbury cut her off while the dentist handed out the pills. "Okay. Let's stay focused."

"It's all Rock N Roll, Ems," Dr. Howell told his girlfriend. "And besides, this guy. . ." He walked back to the two teachers and rested his hand on Mr. Schue's shoulder. "Now, this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him."

Mr. Schue chuckled. "Probably not."

"Gross," Lucky pretended to gag.

"All right," Dr. Howell moved on. "Let's take a look at those chompers, huh?"

"Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign," Kurt announced.

"Sorry, the answer's still no," Mr. Schue shot him down once more. "Capsules, guys."

"Yes, chew away," Miss Pillsbury clapped her hands in encouragement. "Chew, chew."

Lucky bit down on the pill and wrinkled her nose at the taste. When she was finished chewing, she smiled and looked around, showcasing her clean teeth.

"Wow," Lucas squinted his eyes. "They literally look like they're sparkling."

Lucky shrugged. "You can't be as stunning as I am and have ugly teeth."

"Mine?" he moved on, shooting her a toothy grin.

"No blue in sight," Lucky answered, cringing as she watched Mike and Tina kiss. She rolled her eyes. Couldn't they do that somewhere else? Nobody wanted to see it.

At hearing a gasp come from Finn, everyone turned to face him. "Oh my God," Kurt's eyes widened at Rachel, whose teeth were fully blue.

"What?" Rachel pulled out a compact mirror. She yelped at her appearance and slapped her hand over her mouth. "I don't understand. I floss between classes."

"Well, sometimes it's genetics," Dr. Howell assured her.

"I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror," Artie said, his teeth even more blue than Rachel's were.

"There you go, blue tooth," Santana joked.

"I don't brush my teeth," Brittany revealed. "I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist."

"I got this, Em," Dr. Howell moved over to Brittany. "With some deep bleaching, little scaling, you'll be as good as new. All right, open up." Brittany did as told and smiled. "Uh, close. . . close again."

☆ ★☆

        LUCKY WAS TWO seconds away from bashing her head against a wall as Mr. Schue went on and on about Christopher Cross. ". . . making Christopher Criss a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five-time Grammy award winner," the teacher placed a picture of the man on the whiteboard and turned around, noticing Brittany's raised hand. "Brittany."

"I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club," the girl stated.

"What?" Mr. Schue asked, taken aback by the demand.

"When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy," Brittany informed them. "I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am."

"I went with her," Santana told them. "And I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense."

"See, Mr. Schue, I told you, Britney Spears busted our Britt out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform," Kurt started.

"I'm more talented than all of you," Brittany voiced. "I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch."

"Guys, we're not doing Brittany Spears, and that's that!" Mr. Schue firmly denied for what felt like the millionth time that week.

"Mr. Schue, you are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do!" Kurt ranted. "I mean, this club regularly plays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture. To suggest otherwise is heretical!"

"Kurt!" Mr. Schue snapped. "I'm doing talking about this!"

"Jeez!" Kurt scoffed. "Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so fricking uptight all the time!"

"Kurt," Mr. Schue began calmly. "I'll see you in the principal's office."

Lucky watched as Kurt grabbed his stuff and walked out of the room. She didn't think sending him to the principal's office was necessary as he did have a point. Mr. Schue never really let them do anything they wanted to do.

☆ ★☆

        WHEN LUCKY SAW Rachel walk into the choir room still wearing her Britney Spears inspired outfit which consisted of a short skirt, a white dress shirt that she'd tied in the front so it showed off her stomach and a bit of her bra, and a blazer over that, her jaw had dropped.

It was scandalous enough that it should've got her dress-coded.

"Well, Rachel, congratulations," Santana spoke up as she reapplied her lipgloss. "Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look." She softly clapped her hands together. "Yay."

"Thank you," Rachel beamed at the compliment and played with her pigtail braids.

Kurt stood up. "I think what Santana's trying to say, Rachel — though I risk expulsion by saying so — is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom." He sent a sharp look to Mr. Schue. "That's all."

"Wait, Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently. . ." Mr. Schue noted.

"Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy—"

"Hey, hey!" Finn cut Artie off while Lucky rolled her eyes, disgusted by him being so disgusting.

"All I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it made me feel free to get out of my own way," Rachel explained. "I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and then. Maybe it's a good thing."

"It's such a good thing, I can't believe it," Brittany agreed.

Coach Sylvester stepped inside the room. "William, a word?"

Word about JBI getting off to a video of Rachel in the library spread around fast. And even if Rachel was on the list of the top 5 things Lucky hated most, she didn't deserve that.

But that wasn't the only thing that had happened during the day. Coach Beiste had let Finn and Artie on the Football team.

"I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work," Quinn furrowed her brows the next day.

"Did you get a leg transplant?" Brittany questioned.

"Nope," Artie answered. "My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram."

"Yeah," Finn nodded. "There's no rules against it. We checked."

"And I have Britney Spears to thank," Artie stated.

"You're welcome," Brittany responded.

"Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea," Artie went on. "And it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team."

Rachel's head snapped toward her boyfriend. "Wait. You're back on the football team?"

"Yeah," Finn confirmed.

Noticing the look on Rachel's face, Santana decided to mess with her. "Suddenly you're way hotter to me," she commented. "Weird."

"Wait, I don't get it," Puck cut in. "How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?"

"The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen," Artie explained. "Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moved to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason."

"So I just need to get really high?" Lucky tilted her head.

"Well—"

"Okay, guys, listen up," Mr. Schue swiftly interjected.

"Mr. Schue, if I may," Kurt started.

"Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're gonna say. The answer is no." As everyone began to roll their eyes at him, he clarified. "No, I'm not gonna stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it." The group erupted in cheers. "And more than that, I am going to perform with you."

Record scratch.

The excited chatter quickly died as they stared at him in disbelief.

☆ ★☆

        THE ABSOLUTE LAST thing Lucky ever wanted to do was perform Toxic by Britney Spears with her teacher. But, hey, Mr. Schue was letting her and Brittany take the lead of the song. It was almost enough to get her to forget how weird the whole thing was going to be.

The New Directions stood behind the curtain, waiting for the assembly to start. The girls were all wearing white shirts with vests over them and black pants, while the guys had to wear black shirts and suspenders. They all had top hats.

"Quiet, please, children," Principal Figgins tapped the microphone. "Quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately. Welcome to the homecoming pep assembly. Because of last week's grisly train derailment, the Dulcimer Club is on hiatus until further notice. But do we ever have a treat for you. Fresh off their last-place finish at the regionals, please give it up for the New Directions.

There was a light applause as the lights dimmed and the curtain opened. The New Directions weren't ever considered a treat.

"Baby, can't you see I'm calling?" Brittany started them off. "A guy like you should wear a warning."

Lucky moved from her place over to Mike. Because of course. "You're dangerous. I'm loving it."

"Too high, can't come down," Mr. Schue joined them onstage, wearing a white dress shirt with a wife-beater underneath it. "Losing my head, spinning round and round. Oh, do you feel me now?"

"With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride," the club sang. "You're toxic, I'm slipping under. With the taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do. Don't you know that you're toxic?"

Lucky and Brittany pressed their backs against each other. "It's getting late to give you up."

She tried not to show how uncomfortable she was when Mr. Schue slowly rose from behind them as they bent forward. The choreography would've been scandalous enough without him. "I took a sip from my devil's cup. Slowly, it's taking over me."

The group formed two rows. "Too high, can't come down." They separated, allowing the teacher to walk between them. "It's in the air and it's all around. Oh, can you feel me now? Oh!"

"With the taste of your lips, I'm on a ride. . ."

"On a ride. . ." Santana echoed.

"You're toxic, I'm slipping under. . ."

"I'm slipping under."

"With the taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic? I'm addicted to you. Don't you know that you're toxic?"

Lucky tried to ignore the shouts from the crowd and finish the performance, but it was getting harder as the teenagers got more rowdy.

"Intoxicate me now with your loving now. I think I'm ready now."

"I think I'm ready now," Santana repeated.

"Intoxicate me now with your loving now. I think I'm ready. . ."

"I think I'm ready now. . ." Lucky finished, posing while Mr. Schue spun around in front of them.

Just then, the fire alarm went off, leaving the Glee Club to watch in horror as the students screamed and ran out of the gym in a frenzy.

"Jesus. . ." Lucky trailed off, her eyes wide. Nobody cared who they ran into or over. "Fire drills are useless."

"I'd say that went well," Lucas stated breathlessly from beside her.

☆ ★☆

        LUCKY NEVER SMOKED unless she wanted to relax, which, after the day she'd had, she did. She'd put on her ...Baby One More Time CD and got comfortable in bed. She'd managed to get through some homework before From the Bottom of My Broken Heart came on and she started thinking about Mike.

"There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know. You were my first love, you were my true love. From the first kisses to the very last rose. From the bottom of my broken heart. Even though time may find me somebody new, you were my real love. I never knew love 'til there was you. . ."

She wasn't sad. No, she was angry. Because of Mike, she wasn't untouchable anymore. She was human. Just a teenage girl.

The only thing she had holding her up at this point was her co-captain of the Cheerios title. But it was only a matter of time before Coach Sylvester took that from her.

She was going to climb her way back to her goddess status in the eyes of the McKinley High students, no matter what.

And she knew exactly how she was going to do it.

𝒎𝒆𝒍 𝒎𝒆𝒍 !!
me?? actually?? writing for this book?? crazy
anyways the new directions would've devoured had mr pedo not been there😒