chapter one the here and now

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          Lately, Kenny has been having these spine-tingling moments where she wakes up suddenly with a chill and can't move. Any attempt to pull the blanket up around her is unlikely as her arms are pressed to her sides. The same series of events follow each time: the panic sets it, the pressure in her chest intensifies, her screams are silenced, a large, boney body hovers in the corner of the room, rocking on its feet, and her eyes shift upwards until her fingers wiggle, and she's fine once again. A simple blink and her salt lamp is on, there's a kink in her neck, and the entire event is forgotten just like that. It was just a nightmare, after all. Nothing to worry about...right?

          But, sometimes, she thinks she can see it, like out of the corner of her eye when she's sitting around doing nothing. In class, on her couch, riding her bike. Sometimes she really does think it has to be real. She remembers this thing John Lennon said about dreams and nightmares being as real as the here and now...that maybe this is her brain telling her something. But what is it telling her? She's certain she was conscious during each event, fully present, just completely immobile, and then as soon as she wiggles her fingers, it's all gone. Just a nightmare. Her memory basically wipes and starts over. Clean slate or something.

          "Helloo? Earth to Kenny."

          Kenny blinks with a short shake of the head. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

          "I was saying that muffins are two-for-one on Monday at the bakery, but clearly you don't appreciate the deliciousness of a fresh blueberry muffin as much as I do," her friend says. Colie Arthur sits cross-legged on Kenny's bed, her phone clasped between both of her hands as she scrolls carelessly through it. Her curled blonde hair is messily shoved back by a blue headband and her grey hoodie is loosely pulled over her head.

          Kenny, on the other hand, is sprawled out at the foot of the bed staring at the ceiling. Her phone lies somewhere near her nightstand; she can't recall where she last set it down. She does this often, really. It'll pop up eventually whenever she receives a text. She doesn't mind either way; her eyes are watching the ceiling fan spin rapidly above her. "I don't eat breakfast," she replies. "You know that. Gives me a stomach ache."

          "Yes, but lunch, hello!" Colie bounces on the bed, dropping her phone beside her face-down. "Apparently they're serving chicken patties, and we didn't survive that last time."

          Kenny groans. "Don't remind me. I almost called my dad to pick me up."

          Colie frowns. "I did call my dad."

          "Gross," Kenny says with the scrunch of her nose.

          Colie lets out a laugh and falls back onto the bed with outstretched arms. It's silent between the two for a moment before her phone dings loudly, and Colie reaches for it beside her. Kenny closes her eyes and sighs.

          She finds comfort in moments like these, the ones where she doesn't feel so alone once it's quiet. Where all she can hear is her heartbeat going thump, thump, thump in her chest. Colie doesn't have to speak for Kenny to feel her warmth. They lie two feet apart and yet Kenny feels a wave of relief take over her body. The nagging words dull in her head and her heartbeat slows to a soft rhythm. Her fingers cross lazily over her navel.

          "It's Mason," Colie says, her eyes fixed on the phone between her hands. "He wants to hang later...Movie or something. Do you wanna?"

          Kenny hums and opens her eyes as she sits up. Her feet dangle off the side, toes barely scraping the carpet beneath her. Her fingers twist around each other. "I don't know...I'm not really in the mood..."

          Colie follows her actions and sits up. She casually waves her hand in front of her in a brushing motion. "That's fine. There's always next time."

          "OK..."

          Kenny gets like this sometimes. There are just moments where she would rather lay by herself than go out with anyone. She just doesn't have the energy sometimes, and she feels bad rejecting her friends' offers, but the heavy weight on her chest keeps her in the safety of her home most of the time. Makes her feel better.

          "Seriously," Colie pushes. "It's cool, Ken. I'll just head over later."

          The fiddling stops then. Kenny feels the warmth again. It swells in her chest and spreads to each limb. Colie's keyboard clicks as she types out a response and grins. Kenny doesn't think that Colie knows the comfort she brings. The ray of sunlight that follows her around from place to place. It pulls her out of the dark sometimes.

          The bed vibrates beneath them, Kenny jumping at the suddenness of it. Colie purses her lips and pats around the mattress, her hand disappearing under the pillow before she pulls it back out with Kenny's phone in her hand. Colie beams mischievously. "Ohh, who's Liam?"

          Kenny rolls her eyes and snatches the phone from Colie's hands. It continues to vibrate rapidly with a picture of Kenny and her friend smiling in the background. A childhood photo from trick-or-treating some years ago — where Kenny grins from beneath her vampire costume and Liam is posed with his hands on his hips in his Batman costume — is blown up in the background as his contact photo. She swipes her thumb across the screen and brings it up her ear as Colie leans in closer. Nosy. "Hey," Kenny answers.

          "Hey! What are you doing?" Liam asks. He shuffles on the other end and lets out a cough. Plates clank around behind him, and he hushes the sounds.

          "I'm with Colie," she says. "What's up?"

          Colie nudges her shoulder and raises her eyebrows in question. Kenny waves her off.

          "I just ate." It's silent for a moment as he bounds up the stairs. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

          Kenny shrugs and bites her thumbnail. Her heartbeat picks up slightly. "Tomorrow? Nothing... Why?"

        From beside her, Colie's eyes widen. She grabs a throw pillow from behind her and hits Kenny in the back with it. Kenny feels her body lurch forward, and she grunts. Turning around to glare at her friend, she finds Colie already has her face shoved in the pillow, a muffled squeal coming from her mouth.

          "Care to help your best friend practice for his very important tryouts coming up soon?" he asks. It's quiet on his end now, and she assumes he must have returned to his room.

          "Hm," she thinks. "I thought my best friend's stepdad and Garrett were supposed to take on that task?"

          Kenny feels her arm being pinched and she yelps. She faces her friend, and Colie whispers, "Dude! Just say yes!"

          Kenny turns the phone away from her mouth and covers the speaker on the bottom. She turns to face Colie with squinted eyes. "Shut up."

          Colie frowns but says nothing more. She just kicks her feet back and forth off the edge of the bed and types a reply to Mason on her phone. Her head bobs back and forth to a beat she must be singing in her head, and Kenny sighs quietly. Liam shuffles from the other end.

          "I'm sick of them," he finally says. "Besides, I haven't seen you in a while."

          "Yeah," she agrees. She wonders if her mom has work tomorrow or if she'd be able to drive her over to Liam's. Since the move a month or so ago it's been difficult to find time to hang out with Liam. Seeing as neither of them has their license, they must rely on their parents to drive them to and from destinations. Bike rides went from down the street to miles and miles away.

          Kenny and Liam grew up together, just down the street from each other. Their parent's (Liam's mom and Kenny's mom) worked together at some office years and years ago and would bring the families to office parties. In the kids' playroom, Kenny and Liam were the only two. Every single time. They grew close and so did the families, and now, the two children are closer than ever even with the recently sprouted distance.

          "Yeah," he echoes.

          "I'll find a way over there, 'K?" she says. Out of her peripheral, she can see Colie grin, but continue to scroll through her phone in some plot to pretend she's not listening to her conversation. "Noon?"

          "Yes!" Liam says. "I will see you then."

          "See you then," Kenny replies. She bites her lip. "Bye, Liam."

          "Bye, Ken."

          When she hangs up the phone, she turns to face Colie. Only, Colie is already looking at her with a smirk on her face and wiggling eyebrows. Kenny grabs the pillow that she was previously hit with from behind Colie's back and smacks her in the back of the head. Colie yelps and falls to the ground.

          "Bitch!"

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          At 12:13 PM the next day, Kenny walks into Liam's house and hangs her bag over an empty hook before heading towards the sliding door in the back. It's already open, and she knows it could've only been one person. Liam absolutely sucks at closing doors. She (and his parents) has told him time and time again that he's going to let the bugs in and the cold air out, but his mind is focused solely on the destination at hand, and everything behind him is forgotten immediately upon passing. Hence the open doors that trail behind him wherever he goes.

          She slides the door closed behind her with a huff and crosses her arms in front of her. Liam continues to pull lacrosse balls from a big bucket and toss them into a makeshift net his stepdad must have thrown together with a grunt. When he misses and hits the fence behind it, he groans loudly and throws his stick on the ground before tugging at his messy hair.

          "Easy, dude," she calls out. "Don't be mad at inanimate objects for your mistakes."

         He turns around at the sound of her voice and shouts in merriment. "Hi!" he says with a grin. He runs the short distance towards her with his arms out wide, and Kenny gladly opens her arms up to accept his hug. He scoops her into his arms and squeezes her so hard she thinks she might suffocate.

         "OK, OK." She giggles. He sets her down. "Hi, Liam. It's only been two weeks."

         "I've never gone two weeks without seeing you," he states with a shrug. His hair is pointing in various directions, sweat lacing his forehead as he swipes it with the back of his hand.

         "True," she agrees. "How long have you been out here? You look like a mess."

         "Thank you," he says, rolling his eyes as he scratches the back of his head. "Uh, maybe two hours. I'm not good enough yet."

         Kenny tilts her head with furrowed brows. "'Good enough?' For what?"

         "The lacrosse team," he says. "They're really good."

         "So are you, Liam," she replies. He bites his lip and rocks on his feet. "What position are you trying for? Captain...first-line....the bench! I've heard that's a nice, safe area to be. No body slamming or broken bones there. Some good moral support."

         Liam laughs. "Actually, Garrett thinks I could be captain."

         Kenny raises a single brow. She was totally joking when she said that before. "Captain? As a freshman?"

         "Yeah," Liam says.

         Kenny doesn't reply because she truly doesn't know what to say back to him. She doesn't know much about lacrosse in the first place so she feels like she can't speak on positions like he'd hope she could. Besides, she's more of a hockey fan. You start talking positions about that and you'll have her going for hours.

         Liam decides to speak up instead. "You'll be at tryouts, right?"

         "Duh," she says. "I wouldn't miss it. I'll bring my pom-poms and everything."

         He rolls his eyes again. "Shut up."

         "What? I thought it was funny."

         "It wasn't."

         "You have no humor."

         This time, Liam doesn't reply. He just ushers her over to the middle of the backyard and collects all of the previously thrown white balls and returns them to the bucket. Then, he places himself in the goal. Kenny is standing with an open mouth and a lacrosse stick dangling from a hand. She hasn't practiced with him like this in awhile. She knows she can throw a lacrosse ball fairly well, but she doesn't think she'll be the help he wishes her to be. She's not an actual lacrosse player and they aren't kids anymore. They aren't having scrimmages with their friends in the mud while it rains anymore. What is he going to gain from her weak ass arm throwing the ball at him? She's sure all the players on the team could throw better than her.

         "C'mon, Ken," he says from the goal. "I need help."

      "I haven't done this in forever," she replies. Looking at the bucket of balls, she scoops one up with the stick and bounces it up and down a few times. Momentarily, the stick feels unfamiliar. She hasn't even held one in awhile, let alone thrown a ball from one. It feels uncomfortable between her hands, like she doesn't quite know how to handle the object. Only, she does, it's just been so long that her body must've forgotten the feeling.

      "You got this," Liam says.

         Kenny lets it bounce a few more times in the net of the stick before she takes a deep breath and looks at Liam. He's tossing his own stick between his glove-covered hands and bouncing back and forth on his feet. He's warming himself up while she's internally freaking out about having to throw this stupid ball. Her brain doesn't remember this sport in the slightest, but she knows she'll pick it back up quickly. She just has to give a few rusty throws and then she'll be fine again. It's like working out a muscle. Yeah.

         Kenny gives a quick overhand toss towards the net, and Liam catches it too easily. He tilts his head to the side. "I have so seen you do better than that."

         "I'm rusty," Kenny defends with a whine. She stomps her foot on the ground with a puffed out lip and grabs another ball. Shielding his eyes from the sun behind her, he watches as she twists the stick between her hands and moves to throw the ball again.

         This time, she hits the fence behind him.

      "Kenny," he groans.

         "Liam," she groans back. She drops the stick on the ground and grabs a hair tie from her wrist, using it to secure her hair behind her head. Because her hair is so short these days, as she ties it to the back of her head, little pieces of hair fall out all around it, sticking to her face and the nape of her neck. She huffs at the annoyance of it. She's sweating. Awesome. She should've worn a tank top or something, not a long sleeve shirt. The breeze literally disappeared when she got to his place, like Mother Nature is laughing at her for trying to be athletic. Shaming her.

         Kenny picks the stick up once more and scoops up another ball. She throws one, and she throws another, and another, until she's finally back to where she was before. She can actually help Liam now. Go her. He's going to kick ass at tryouts because of her.

         Hopefully.

         "That's it, Ken!" Liam shouts as a ball flies over his shoulder and into the net.

      "God, I am a natural-born athlete, huh?" she says. Liam laughs and twists on his heel, pushing all the previously-thrown balls into a small pile a few feet away from the net. "Another one?"

         Liam nods and repositions himself.

         Kenny throws the ball.

         It's nearing 4:13 PM when Kenny can no longer feel her body and informs Liam she's giving up. He whines as she says this, but accepts the fact that she's literally in pain and follows her actions as she lays down on the grass. It pokes her bare legs and brings about an uncomfortable itch as it does so. She can feel her back stretch along the flatness of the ground, her body's muscles pulling in a therapeutic way. A chill runs down her spine.

         "Thank you," Liam breathes out as he folds his arms behind his head and closes his eyes.

         "Anytime," she replies. She wiggles her fingers in the grass. She's awake.

         It's quiet for a moment, and Kenny feels the heat of the sun warming her body up. Her mind quiets with the warmth, and she hears Liam humming a tune softly beside her. She closes her eyes. Momentarily, her mind drifts elsewhere and all she can think about is everything that's going to happen as everything in the past disappears. She feels like this might be a fresh start, like maybe the world is finally giving her something for everything it's put her through in the past few months. Around Liam, she feels like a kid again, like she doesn't have all of these responsibilities or people watching her all the time making sure she doesn't mess up.

          Around Liam, everything just feels easier.

         "I can't believe that you're going to Beacon Hills now," Kenny says suddenly. "Like, it feels so crazy to me that all of this happened."

         "Yeah," Liam mumbles. She can hear him shuffle from beside her but she doesn't open her eyes. "Sometimes I wish it didn't happen, you know?"

         "Me too," Kenny utters. "I didn't like Devenford, though. There were so many preppy people and so many jocks — no offense. Rumors spread like they were literally wildfire and the girls were so mean. I hated it there. I hated my life there."

          Liam doesn't say anything, and she doesn't take offense to it. She knows he agrees; he watched everything she went through. She doesn't think she'll ever go back there. She doesn't want to. All it does is bring back bad memories.

         "Have you heard from him?" Liam asks then.

         Kendall can feel her heart still, like her entire world stops all of a sudden. Her breath hitches, and she opens her eyes to look at him. He's already watching her, his eyebrows furrowing in worry. "No," she says and looks up at the sky.

         "Do you want to?" he asks. "Hear from him, I mean. Talk to him."

         "Never again."

         "I'm sorry," Liam says. His voice is soft, like he doesn't want to push her to say anything else but he's willing to hear her if she wants to. The thing is, Kenny really doesn't know if she wants to talk about it, and she doesn't really know if she understands the entirety of the situation. She's only fifteen. 

        "It's OK," she says.

        "It's not," he says.

        This time Kenny doesn't say anything. She doesn't know what to say. She has all these thoughts that are running through her head but she doesn't know how to voice any of them. She's been like this for months. Her brain is running on all of this energy but her body it has none of it. It's like her brain continuously talks and talks and talks but nothing ever comes out. It's loud in her head and quiet everywhere else. It's deafening sometimes, to be in her head.

         "Yeah," she begins. "Is everything OK with you?"

         "What do you mean?" he asks. He turns his head and looks at her again. She follows his actions and looks at him. He looks confused by her question.

         "How has everything...been with you?" she elaborates. "I mean, with the new pills and everything. How are they working?"

          Liam goes quiet for a second. She knows he doesn't like talking about this and maybe he needs a second to think about it. She doesn't know. She isn't going to push him to talk about something he doesn't want to, though. That's not fair of her. "I stopped taking them," he whispers.

         "Why?" she asks. "I'm not judging... Just... Why? "

         "I don't like how they make me feel," he says. He shrugs his shoulders but with the way they're laying on the ground it comes off more as the repositioning of his body, like he's trying to get more comfortable. "Just bleh. I can't play well on them."

         "OK," she says. "I get it. "

         She watches us he smiles slightly, his eyes glistening with an appreciation that she doesn't really know that he has for her. She knows it's not easy for him to go through everything that he's going through. Neither of their lives have been necessarily easy since freshman year started. Since everything changed and they've been forced to be different people at a different place.

         She feels like starting at Beacon Hills was a fresh start for her. She doesn't have everybody knowing what her business is or what happened to her or how she got her heart absolutely broken and she got betrayed by one of the only people she trusted. It was just Kenny — the new girl, someone who befriended a curly blonde haired girl on the first day of school, someone who is unbelievably good at math and actually enjoys the subject, someone who doesn't need to explain herself for her actions to anybody except for herself. She might hate this school as well, but she likes it a hell of a lot better than her old school.

          The thing with Beacon Hills High is that there is definitely secrets within the walls. Kenny feels like they're secrets that you only know, well, if you know. People are always whispering, but not in a gossipy sort of way. If that makes sense. The town itself is kind of sketchy but even then Kenny would rather be here than her old place.

          "I appreciate you," Kenny says after a moment. Liam looks at her, a shocked look on his face. His eyebrows are raised and he leans on his elbow to raise himself up a little bit. "Like... I'm glad you're in my life. It would be shit without you."

           Liam smiles. "Cheers to our shitty lives"

          Kenny laughs, a small giggle bubbling from her chest. "Cheers."

Author's Note: aha fun fact I wrote the entire second half of this chapter with voice-typing after downing a red bull just so I could pet my dog while doing it. the dedication is what I appreciate myself for. anyway, let me know what you think of the new version of kendall so far! I love her sm she's my baby