"Don't think of it as cheating," Ricky had told me."Think of it as you having needs, that she can't provide for. Like, for example, imagine if you got married to this dude, and on your wedding night, you find out he has no dick."

"Wait, hold up. Why does this guy not have a dick? Also, I love how in this fantasy, these two characters wait until their wedding night to have sex." I questioned Ricky, because he came up with these elaborate examples far too often for them to have been unplanned.

"I don't fucking know, okay? Use your imagination. He got it stuck in a door or something."

"I think they have bionics dick or something now. I heard it on National Public Radio. Like, you press a button, and-"

"Just let me tell my story and then we can talk about the mechanics behind bionic genitals. So you marry this guy, and he doesn't have a dick, and it's too late to back out of it now, right?"

"Right."

"Wrong. There are so many things wrong with this scenario," Jacob walked in, although he knew what we were talking about because he had been listening outside the door for at least five minutes. He was drenched in sweat from his cross country run, and had a damp towel swung across his shoulders.

"Jacob! Good. You can help me tell Cal it's okay to cheat on Penny with Meredith."

"I'm not going to do that."

"You haven't heard my reasoning yet. So imagine you got married to this guy, whose dick tragically got stuck in the door at the age of nine."

"Yeah, I heard that part. Please, keep going."

"He would understand if she wanted to have an open relationship. He would rather do that, then get a divorce like three weeks after the wedding, because that's pathetic. Everybody knows what that's about, and it wasn't an argument about who should be doing the dishes."

"I totally see what you mean," Jacob nodded, although the corner of his mouth were twitching. I knew that meant he was being sarcastic, but Ricky mistook the subtle gesture as sincerity.

"So he lets her have this physical relationship with some other guy but they still get to be together. And they can kiss, and tell each other secrets, or do whatever it is couples do when they're not having sex."

"Couples do things besides having sex?"

"Yeah, I don't know, okay? It's weird. Being in a relationship is weird. It's just kind of like, here's all of my emotional baggage, and then later, we can take each others' pants off. But after we do that, let's go for a long walk in the park and then watch Jeopardy reruns."

"I can honestly say I've never watched Jeopardy reruns with a girlfriend before. And also that description of relationships makes me believe you know nothing about them."

"Well, then, kudos to you, my friend, for making it this far. But my point is-"

"You have a point?" I interrupted.

"Yes, I have a point. A very good point which I am getting to right now. It's simple, really. Penny won't have sex with you. And you are a red-blooded American teenager. You are being denied a basic need!"

"When's the last time you had sex?" Jacob asked, crumpling up his empty water bottle and tossing it in the wastebasket beside my bed.

"I'm going to have to empty that out later."

"That's not the point."

"Yes, it is. Jacob should use his own trash can. He has a perfectly good one."

"No, I was talking to Jacob. I was answering his question. This has nothing to do with my sex life and everything to do with Cal's."

"It's a need, not a want. And it does have to do with you, because of the point you're trying to make. Penny doesn't owe David anything. And David, if you really care about this girl, you should respect her."

"When did you become such a pretentious asshat?" Ricky asked, genuinely curious, and his face filling with disgust at my adopted brother's wise words.

"He's always been a pretentious asshat. That's what I've been trying to tell you. You've just been blind to it."

"I'm going to ignore that, because I hope I can really get through to you right now, David. Don't do it. Don't sleep with her. I don't even know who this girl is, but just don't- don't do it. I'm not saying you have to spend the rest of your life with Penny. But when you do break up, I hope it's for a good reason. And this? This is not a good reason. Do you care about her?"

"Yes," I mumbled, then I cleared my throat and repeated "Yes," more confidently. "I care about her so much. I only want the best for her. And what if I'm not that best for her?" Jacob smiled,

"Oh, I see what the real problem is now." Ricky hopped off my bed and said,

"My advice starts and ends at 'have sex.' I think you should take this one, Jacob."

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah. Isn't that what I just said?"

"Where are you going?" Ricky had never left my house before dinnertime, not in months. My adoptive mother automatically set him a place at the table every night.

"Maybe I'll go over to Dylan's. I haven't been over to Dylan's in a while."

"Are you leaving because of Jacob? Because I'm pretty sure I can get rid of him, if you want."

"You can't get rid of me. Also, I'm about to impart my wisdom on you."

"Yeah..." Ricky said, "See you later." Then he shoved his baseball in his pocket, the one we never used, and sauntered out the door.

"Jacob! You made my friend leave," I complained, coming off as more whiny than indignant.

"Like you're trying to impress him? He should be trying to impress us. We're probably going to end up paying for that boy's college tuition."

"Really?"

"No, I'm just exaggerating. We do pick up the tab for him a lot, though. You think you're not good enough for Penny?" He was doing that thing again, the one where he changed the subject without even pausing to take a breath.

"No, it's just- I don't know why I said. I mean, it's true. I'm not good enough for her. She's amazing. And I'm fucked up."

"You're not a mess," Jacob said, and I loved the way he censored my profanities in his reply. "You've just been through a lot."

"So have you, and you're not a mess."

"Well, I don't know about that. But if I'm not a mess, it's because I've worked very hard not to be."

"Being through a lot isn't an excuse. Or at least, that's what people tell me."

"It kind of is, though. I mean, people's circumstances change them. I've seen you go through hell and back again. And I know there's probably a lot going on inside your head, that I don't even know about. You're strong, David. You're a strong person, and I mean that."

"I have to make her see that she doesn't want to be with me."

"What?"

"I have to cheat on her, so she can see she doesn't want to be with me. I don't have the strength to breakup with her on my own, but I know it's not that best thing for her for us to stay together... even if that's what I might want. To be together. Always."

"David... I just, I'm sorry," and then he started laughing at me. "That's just so stupid. I mean, it's noble, in theory, but in reality, it's really stupid." Then, when he collected himself, he continued with a straight face: "David, I stood here in this bedroom two years ago and I saw you right down on a sheet of paper, in glittering yellow gel pen no less, that you were never going to fall in love. And you did it, even though you never believed you would. I know that it's for real because you're about do something incredibly stupid...and people only do things like that when they're in love. Haven't you ever seen that movie with Steve Carell? Stupid, Crazy Love? The main character's name is Cal, too. That movie is like your autobiography."

"I think it's Crazy, Stupid Love."

"No, that doesn't sound right.... I've never seen it. I just read the Wikipedia article, because I thought I might go see it. But anyway, you didn't want to fall in love, but then you did, because you meant Penny. You don't want to change, but then you will, because you'll realize you don't want to lose her."

"You remember that you're only eight months older than me, right?"

"Yeah, but you just said it yourself. You're a mess, and I'm not." He reached to tussle my hair, and I pulled away.

"You know who hates having her hair touched?"

"Meredith?"

"No, Penny."

"Yeah, I thought so. I don't think you know anything about this Meredith chick."

"I know she's hot. And I know she would have sex with me."

"Are those two separate things? Or is she hot because she would have sex with you?"

"She's not really that hot. Her face is kind of squinched up. And she still has braces. I think the most beautiful thing about Penny is her smile...." And then I trailed off, because I started thinking about it. "And when she laughs, and her eyes light up, and she starts making all these spastic movements. But it's so cute to see. And it makes me smile, to see her smile, and just to hear what she has to say."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"What? You asked."

"I asked about Meredith. You were the one who started talking about Penny."

"Well, I don't want to talk about Meredith, I want to talk about Penny."

"Tell Penny that, not me."

"I can't. But like I was saying, she hates having her hair touched. She won't let any of her friends do it, even though they all want to, because she's got these great curls. And she wouldn't let me touch it for a while... but one day she told me I could. And I said, I thought you hated that. And she told me she did, but she liked me so much she didn't care."

"David, your eyes are glazing over." I shook my head back and forth, to zone myself back into the conversation.

"Sorry."

"You're going full-on Stupid, Crazy Love on me."

"Okay, I'm looking that up, because that is definitely not the title."

"Why are you doing this again, David? Why are you self sabotaging?" I thought about it for a moment. I knew there had to be a good reason.

"I can't change. I've tried it a million times before. I'm always going to be failing school, I'm always going to be friends with douchebags, I'm always going to get high on the weekends. I'm always going to be a fuck-up, with a dead brother."

"I think Penny knows that, and she loves you anyway."

"Yeah, well? She shouldn't have to. I've never liked a girl this much before, and I've never shared so much. Like, emotionally. I've always just said what I needed to, to get girls to sleep with me. This was the first time I really meant any of it. And I'm scared. I have to go back to what I was doing before. It's... safer. If I love her, I have to let her go, right?" And for once, after I finished my monologue, Jacob didn't accuse me of being melodramatic.

"What about guys?"

"What?"

"Well, you said you've never liked a girl this much before, or shared that much, or whatever. What about with guys?"

"The relationships I've had with guys are completely different than the relationships I've had with girls. I can't compare them." He was quiet for a moment again, before saying,

"I don't even know what advice to give you. I keep saying that you can change, David, it's just going to take some time, and work."

"I can't," I shook my head. "Penny deserves better." Then he told me something which I considered for a moment, but ultimately ignored:

"That's a cop out."