Colton didn't find me last night and for that and for that I am thankful, I needed some time with my mess of a brain, and I decided that it is time to get myself some help, some real and professional help. I don't want my past trauma to ruin what could be a great life here.

I need to move forward and I can't do it on my own, and I don't want to push my issues onto Colton, he seems too much of a good wolf to be burdened with my drama. I also want to sort myself out so when we mark each other he doesn't see every bad thing and go insane.

But I don't know if I should keep my distance from him while I sort myself out or let him in little by little. He knows that I am not sunshine and rainbows but he only knows the surface of what has happened. I do not want to be the dark stormcloud dragging him down.

I'm startled from my thoughts by a knock on the door, reluctantly I drag myself out of bed, it is surprisingly comfortable it felt as though I was sleeping on a cloud, or it could just be the fact that I had been sleeping on what felt like a concrete slab in the hospital.

I open the door to Collins once again, I am happy that she keeps coming to check up on me, it makes me feel like I have a true family again, like how my brothers made me feel when I was still a pup.

"Morning!" She smiles with far too much energy. "How did you sleep?" She asks once again making her way into my space.

"Amazing, that bed is the most comfortable thing ever." I reply slipping back into my bed, why shouldn't I be comfortable while she is in here. Collins looks at the bed and then me, asking the silent question. I just pat the empty spot besides me which is all she needs to throw off her shows and jumps on top.

Collins crosses her legs while she faces me. "So how do you really feel today?" She asks as if she can see through me."

"Fine..."

"Fine as in 'hey things are good' or fine as in 'yeah I'm not fine but saying fine is easier then elaborating'?" she questions me.

"Ahh.. The second one." I shrug, I feel too odd with someone seeing through me. Collins just looks around the room unsure of what to say and how to act. Neither of us  know what the boundaries of our relationship should be.

Being with Colton means she is a sister now, but who knows what the future holds.

Collins just makes a humming noise, like she has something she would like to say but can't let it out.

"Collins..." I begin but I don't know how to form the sentence correctly, should I even be asking her or should I ask Colt. I don't even know anymore.

"Yes?" She asks, giving me this look that says 'I think I know exactly what you are about to ask'.

"Does the pack, do you guys have a..." I let the words fall building myself up to say it out loud, thinking that you need help is one thing but saying out loud is something completely different, once the words are out there that makes it real.

"Luce?" I must have let the silence go on for far too long, she is looking worried.

"Do you guys have a healer, not like a doctor but a, I don't know how to call them properly but a doctor for your minds." I let the words fall out of my mouth like word vomit quickly and in a mess, I'll be surprised if Collins can piece it all together.

"Yes, we do actually." Collins looks relieved, I wonder what she thought I was going to ask.

"Do you think you can help me book an appointment or is that something I would have to ask Colton about?" I ask wearily. Alphas do have the authority over everything.

"Why would you have to ask Colt?" Collins ask confusion written all over her face.

"Doesn't the Alpha get the final say?"

"Dear Goddess no, not on matters like this." She responds almost sounding sick that I would think such a thing. "No one but you and the healer, we call her a healer and the Doctor the Doctor, to make it easier on everyone. You are the only two who will know about it unless you want someone else involved. Or she is worried that someone is going to harm themselves or someone else but then she goes to the Doctor." Collins explains like she is really passionate about it. "We value order and the hierarchy but we also value respect and privacy here." She explains.

I just nod, words aren't needed here to explain that I understand, Collins slips off my bed. "If you get changed I can take you to the healer now."

"Yes that I think would be good."

"I'll just let Colt know that we are going out for a bit so he doesn't knock on the door and freak when you aren't here to answer. Don't worry I won't tell him where we are, not until you want him to know." She walks out of my door with a soft smile. There is no going back from this now.

I pull myself from the comfort of bed and just throw on some comfortable leggings, a t-shirt and a nice warm knitted sweater, if I'm going to be pouring my heart out I may as well be comfortable.

I'm dressed by the time Collins knocks on my door again. I let her lead me out of the pack house, I know I should be paying attention to where I am going because if she leaves me alone I will get lost seeing as how I'm not pack yet and haven't connected any bonds yet.

We find ourselves outside of a small cottage, thankfully I can see the pack hospital in the distance, all I have to do is get over there and I can find my way back.

The cottage has a beautiful garden surrounding it, one side is veggies and herbs and fruit while the other side has various wildflowers, pinks, blues, purples, reds and yellow a different variety of each flower and each colour. It all feels very calming.

"I'll leave you to it, just ask her to send for me once you're done and I'll come right over to bring you back, you can stay for as long that feels right, no time limit and no obligations." She gives my hand a quick reassuring squeeze before walking away.

I stand by the door for a few minutes just running through my mind, this is enough for today right? I made it here, I made the decision to get help? Thats enough for today, I can come back tomorrow and take that next step?

But in all honesty, I can't. I've waited long enough, I have known for a long time I need help, while at Devons I healed my body but I never healed my mind. I told myself that just being alive and with the others that everything was good enough and then I let myself fall into the comfort of Zane.

But I never truly healed myself, I just avoided my feelings and pushed everything deep down and buried it. I was smiling but it was all a lie.

Sighing to myself, I know that the healer can sense me at the door but whoever it is is letting me come on my own terms, nothing ever works if you are forced to deal with your demons.

I force my body to knock on the door and take this next step forward. Colton deserves a healed mate, this pack deserves a healed leader but most importantly I deserve this.

I need this to become myself, not some sulky shell and to be better than the girl who lets her truma get in the way of growth, in the way of life.

I'm doing this for me.