There are all these moments you think you won't survive. And then you survived.

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Leon's POV

            I was panting.

            I was catching for my breath. I felt I was going to lose it. One. Two. Three. Fuck. How many punches do I have to give this shitty bag? I couldn't feel my knuckles because of the pain. Even if I was wearing gloves, it was still painful.

            But I wanted this.

            I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to feel that I needed to breathe. I wanted to feel the sore in my body.

            Napapikit ako at isang malakas na suntok pa ang ibinigay ko sa kaharap kong punching bag tapos ay hinawakan iyon para huminto sa pag-galaw. Humihingal na idinikit ang ulo ko doon. I needed to slow down. As much as I wanted to push myself, I needed to breathe. To feel the air in my lungs.

So, I would know that I am still alive.

            Napahinga ako ng malalim at humihingal na tinatanggal ang gloves sa kamay ko at itinapon sa isang gilid. Hinila ko ang tuwalya na nakasampay sa silyang malapit doon at ipinahid sa katawan ko tapos ay deretsong tinungo ang banyo. Binuksan ko ang shower at pinabayaang tumulo ang tubig mula doon. Hinubad ko ang training shorts kong suot at humarap sa salamin.

            I could still see the scars from that nightmare. I looked at my face and there was the operation scars that they did for my broken nose and broken cheek. Tiningnan ko ang mga ngipin ko at kita pa rin doon ang pantay-pantay na tubo. Hindi halatang nagkabungi-bungi iyon dahil sa isang bangungot. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa dibdib ko at nakita ko doon ang scar tissue ng tama ng bala. Marahan kong hinawakan. It had been a year, but the pain was still there. Once I pressed it, the memories were like a flood in my head. Torque. Carmela. Their god damn syndicate.

            People thought that I couldn't survive. I was in coma for three months. Had a hard time moving my face and body. I wasn't able to speak for months. My body felt sore. Well, I could still feel the soreness occasionally. Everyone was telling me that what happened to me was a miracle.

            I kept on telling myself no. I survived because I was born a survivor.

            I always was.

            People knew me in XM Agency as Dustin Matias. The dependable agent that was going to follow every rule and command of my immediate superior. A follower. Because that's what I wanted them to think about me. I don't want them to know who the real Dustin Matias was.

            Before I joined the agency as Dustin Matias, I was Leon Deaver Kaestner first. The bad ass fighter of a deep underground circuit that holds illegal MMA fights. Yes. I was a cage fighter for years. Fights that my own brother leads. He was the organizer of Ring of the Dead. I smiled dryly. Literally the name says it all. Because after every fight, one of the opponents always turns up dead.

            It was always a fight to the death. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga taong sumusuporta pa sa larong iyon. Gumagastos, pumupusta ng malaki para lang sa sandaling entertainment na makitang nagbubugbugan hanggang kamatayan ang dalawang tao sa ring. The patrons loved the blood and gore. More blood, more money. If there was death, more patrons to attract.

            My brother, Brad trained me to become a fighter. A game that he wanted to be in, but he couldn't because of an accident inside the ring. One game, with an uncalculated spin, he kicked his opponent, but he broke his shin in return. It was a nasty one. I was there and I saw the horror while looking at my brother's shin bone torn in two. Fucking gruesome sight.

            That was the start. Kilala ang kapatid ko sa pagiging competitor at hindi siya papayag na basta-basta mawala ang pangalan niya sa ring. Kaya ako ang ipinalit niya. Sa una, nag-e-enjoy ako. I was young. Only twenty-three and tasting the victory that not everyone was experiencing. People loved me. Worships me inside the caged ring. I was beginning to rise to the top. I was ruthless. A winning killing machine. I would kill every opponent that I had. Even if I didn't want to, there was no other choice. Every fighter knew what they signed up for. Every fight was always a fight for survival.

            But everything changed seven years ago.

            I told them I am out. I learned that I would become a father and my girlfriend Kelsey was pregnant. Kinausap ko na si Brad. Sinabi kong ayaw ko na. Ayaw niyang pumayag dahil nga naman nasa peak ako ng career ko. Maraming pumupusta sa akin. I had fifteen fights in that underground fights. That means, fifteen kills. And I don't want to continue that kind of life kung magiging tatay na ako. I wanted to give my child a peaceful and better future.

Pero biglang-bigla ang tawag sa akin ng assistant ni Brad. Magkakaroon ako ng laban ng gabing iyon kahit na nga sa susunod na linggo pa ang schedule ng huling laban ko. Change of plans daw. Hindi daw kasi dumating ang isang fighter at hindi puwedeng ma-cancel ang game dahil nakapagbayad na ang mga parukyano. Pulitiko, pulis, generals, billionaires. Mga artista. Basta taong may pera. Iyon ang karamihang mga parukyano ng fights. By invitation ang every game at hindi sa iisang lugar lang ginaganap ang bawat game. Ngayon, sa isang luxury ship ito gagawin na naka-dock sa Manila Bay. Mahal ang bayad ng bawat gustong manood.

            Nag-away kami ng kapatid ko. Ayaw ko talaga pero wala daw akong choice na tumanggi. Siya ang maiipit kung hindi matutuloy ang laro. Millions ang ginastos ng mga parukyano para lang makapanood.

            And I told him that would be my last game. Pumayag naman siya.

            Ang hindi ko alam, ang huling laban ko na iyon ang magpapabago ng lahat.

            Dahil pagdating ko sa cage, ang best friend ko pala na si Norman ang makakalaban ko. Pareho naming hindi alam na kami ang maglalaban. Isa iyon sa rule ng cage. Sa oras lang ng fight malalaman kung sino ang makakalaban namin.

            Ayaw namin pareho. Hindi ko kayang saktan ang best friend ko. Worse, hindi ko kayang patayin ang best friend ko. But Brad's partner stepped up and showed us a gun. Kung hindi kami maglalaban, pareho kaming ilalabas na malamig na bangkay doon.

            We both needed to survive, and we both didn't have a choice.

            We fought with each other. Each punch, each kick was like a blow to our deaths. But I got the upper hand. I trained earlier than Norman. And with one single kick to his head, he was knocked out to the ground.

            People were shouting my name. People were yelling 'kill' repeatedly. Because that was the time that I needed to give my ultimate blow to kill my opponent. But I couldn't do it. Just looking at my best friend passed out on the floor, I couldn't kill him.

            I could hear disappointments from the people when I didn't do it. I removed my gloves and went out from the cage. I gave them the entertainment they needed. I won't give them the kill that they wanted. As I was walking back to my locker, I heard a loud gunshot. When I turn around, it was my brother's partner inside the cage. Standing over to Norman's body that he shot to the head.

            I closed my eyes when that memory came back. They killed my best friend. I remember I was running back to the cage to kill that son of a bitch, but someone grabbed me. I was furious. I was blinded by rage. I was hitting the one that was pulling me away from the crowd. Until I felt something stung on my nape and I lost consciousness that night.

            Naalala kong nagising ako sa isang hindi pamilyar na kuwarto at may isang lalaki na nakatayo sa tabi ng kamang hinihigaan ko.

            Napangiti ako ng mapakla.

            He told me his name was Ghost.

            He saved me that night. He pulled me out from the hell hole I was put into. He was the one who gave me another life and another identity so I could have the new life that I was always dreaming about. But in return, I'll help him to crush down the illegal fights that my brother was running.

            It was not easy. Trainings after trainings, when I was a full pledged agent in XM, we crushed down Ring of the Dead. Taking down every member of my brother's group. I killed the one that killed Norman. My brother escaped, and up to now, there were no illegal cage fights that was happening around the Metro.

            Ghost was a murderer. A cold-blooded killer. Only a few knew that he created XM agency, but he has his own mercenary group that do underground jobs. Mercenaries that work with him to crush down syndicates that the agency couldn't do because of its connection to the government. June was one of those. But Ghost was always there to help people like me. Ilang agents na ba sa XM ang mga patapon ang buhay pero tinulungan niyang maayos? Ghost could see if a person deserved to have a second chance. He gave it to me, and I didn't let him down.

            He gave me the new name Dustin Matias. Helped me to have a new life with Kelsey away from the cruel life that I had. But as they say, you cannot have it all. I was becoming a top agent, but my relationship with Kelsey was slowly deteriorating. Until one day, she left me and eloped with another man. I didn't bother to track her down even if I could do it. As long as I have my daughters, she could live her own life away from us.

Although being an agent in the agency was violent too, at least I was killing bad guys. Not people who doesn't have a choice but to fight for their survival. But what happened to me a year ago was a game changer. What Torque did to me changed my life.

            Because after what happened to me, the agency that once took me in closed its doors to me permanently.

            Napahinga ako ng malalim at tinungo ang shower. Kailangan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko dahil baka kung ano lang ang magawa ko kay Chief Coleman sa tuwing naaalala ko ang desisyon niya.

            I worked with him for years. Alam niya kung paano ako magtrabaho. Halos ako ang kanang-kamay niya. Pero dahil sa nangyari sa akin, hindi na niya ako pinabalik sa agency?

            I am good now. Naka-recover na ako. Kaya ko na ulit humawak ng baril. Bumalik na ang reflexes ko kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ayaw na niya akong pabalikin sa agency.

            Well, he gave me an option to work at the training camp. Together with those rainbow agents that trains new trainees for the agency.

            Inis kong pinatay ang shower at tinuyo ang sarili ko tapos ay itinapi ang tuwalya sa baywang. Fucking rainbow agents. At magiging isa ako sa mga rainbow agents na iyon? Those agents were broken. Nanggaling sa matitinding pahirap. They don't pass their psychological evals after what happened to them. At hindi ako ganoon. Hindi ako broken. Okay na ako. Hindi na ako apektado ng nangyari sa akin.

            Lumabas ako ng banyo at dinampot ang telepono ko. Hindi ako titigil na sabihin kay Chief Coleman na kailangan ko ng bumalik sa agency. They needed me there especially that June was already retired and taking care of her baby. Thanks to fucking Declan Laxamana.

            Matagal bago sumagot si Chief. At nang marinig ko siyang mag-hello ay dama ko na hindi siya masaya na makausap ako.

            "Chief." Bungad ko sa kanya.

            "The answer is still no, Dustin." Seryosong sagot niya. Alam na niya ang sasabihin ko.

            Pinigil ko ang sarili kong magmura. If I wanted him to say yes, kailangan ko ng matinding pasensiya.

            "I am good, Sir. I am totally healed. It's been more than a year."

            "No. You're still not yet ready."

            "And when do you know that I will be ready? I did everything you asked. Every month I go to Mervin for my monthly check-up. I go to the agency's psychiatrist for monthly evaluations, and I always pass. Why don't you want me to go back?" Napu-frustrate na ako sa kanya.

            Napahinga siya ng malalim. "This is not my call. Kahit gusto ko, higher management doesn't want you to go back yet."

            "Are you fucking kidding me? Higher management? You are the fucking higher management." Reklamo ko.

            "Do you forget that I didn't create this agency? That there is someone bigger than me? Someone named Ghost?" Tonong nagpapaalala si Chief.

            Napahinga lang ako ng malalim at napailing. Pero hindi ako maniwala na si Ghost ang ayaw magpabalik sa akin. Sigurado ako na sinulsulan lang din ito ni Chief.

            "Dustin, you have the chance to change your life. To have a normal life away from violence. Samantalahin mo na. Make love with your wife. Go have fun with your kids. Imagine, you have two beautiful kids that are so lucky to have their father back."

            Hindi ako nakasagot. My daughters Anna and Elsa were my life, and working with the agency was giving me the fuel to have a normal life. But a wife?

            "Chief, you know I don't have a wife." Iritableng sagot ko.

            Natawa si Chief Coleman. "Hindi ba kayo nagkabalikan ng asawa mo?"

            "We were not married. We have kids but not married. Hindi mo ba tinitingnan ang file ko?" Siraulo ba 'tong si Chief? Ilang taon kaming magkasama sa trabaho hindi man lang niya alam na matagal ng wala ang nanay ng mga anak ko at sumama sa ibang lalaki?

            Lalong lumakas ang tawa niya. "Hindi ako tsismoso katulad ni Laxamana."

            "Please, Chief. I need to go back. I need my old job back." Nakikiusap na ako ngayon.

            "I am so sorry. Even if I wanted to, I can't. Have a nice day, Dustin."

            Wala na akong narinig mula sa kabilang linya. Maya-maya ay nag-busy tone na.

            Napahinga ako ng malalim at inis na naihilamos ang kamay sa mukha ko.

            But for what's it worth, today was a good day to have a playdate with my princesses.