PART 1

"This is the place?"

"Yes, Doctor."

The late summer sun hammered down on their heads as they crossed the wide, lazy street. Convincing Enigma Krauss had taken less time than Ed had expected, which left them at sometime in the late morning. Captain McLean hoped to get everything done in one day but had planned one week ahead. You know, for emergencies. Like Laguna Cane's period.

The pair gazed up at the massive building. The hotel glowered back with condescending hostility. Grand Cleburg View Hotel, the grandest hotel in the city. A mouthful to say. Also with a terrible view of the city's dump.

Already, Ed noticed the doctor's twitchy movements get more... Twitchy. The scientist shifted awkwardly in place when they stopped. Shuffled forwards when they moved. If Krauss was this scared, that definitely wasn't good. Ed had never met the mistress of stealth in person, but he had heard stories.

Stories of policemen getting decapitated by flying pizza boxes. Stories of agents getting impaled by sharpened golf clubs. Stories of milk that was poured in before the cereal. Nightmarish.

Yet as Ed approached the Grand Cleburg View Hotel, his first impression was that the place was... Empty. Quiet. He could still see the buzz of employees in the reception hall through the clear glass, but the atmosphere was alien and eerie, making the Captain quite uncomfortable. Something felt off, and it wasn't just the smell of melting chocolate coming from Dr. Krauss's right coat pocket.

"Wait, you brought chocolate?" Ed scowled at the doctor.

"Ehem," Krauss seemed to find something interesting in his shoes. "Maybe."

Ed sniffed. "Give me a piece."

The doctor pulled out the melted lump of chocolate and broke off a piece of sticky brown sweetness. He handed it over to Ed without the slightest grumble.

"So," Ed said through a mouthful of chocolate as the automatic glass doors screeched open. "Tell me about Laguna. I hear she's a killer beauty."

"Literally," Krauss muttered. "She has a pretty face, and a soft ass, but she'll use your head as a football if you don't watch it around her. She's killed many men and women who didn't know when and where to stop. I'd say watch your big mouth around her, but you're the one who's going to be doing the talking. I told you how it is with me and her."

"Soft ass, you say?"

"Um Himmels willen, you're hopeless," the mad doctor sighed. "We're dead."

The lobby of the hotel was a bustling mess of employees and bellboys.

"It's your turn to deliver the food!" someone was hissing.

"But last time I almost lost my head!" another whined.

"Sounds like a you problem. I'm not going back near her."

The majority of the other poor employees were scrambling around with dishes and trays of food. A few were even trying to haul sports equipment up the stairs, multiple bags and crates of throwing discs and javelins and bowling balls and pizza boxes.

"Shall we?" Ed chuckled nervously.

"We could go recruit the other members before Frau Cane. Give her time to cool off."

"We could. But the plot demands this. Also, we need her for the next person."

"You're just worried we'll forget her if we skip her, aren't you? Because you're moving in alphabetical order."

"Shut up. Let's talk to the desk clerk."

The pair approached the receptionist timidly, pausing in front of the grand desk as the elegant lady blabbered on the phone. The receptionist was short but well built, a combination of cute and professional. She was dressed formally and had chin length brown curls that matched her deep brown eyes. The woman slammed the phone into its cradle as soon as she saw them.

"I'm sorry gentlemen," she said with a practiced professional smile. "We're all filled up at the moment."

"I'd fill you up," Krauss muttered.

"Go fuck yourself, sir," she replied with the same professional cheerfulness.

"Alright you two," Ed interjected. "Chill. We're not here to fill or fuck anyone. We're here to meet Ms. Cane."

"You want to talk to Laguna?"

"Yeah. You two seem... Friendly?"

"I'm her secretary."

"Hilda?" Krauss gasped.

"Yes... Do I know you?"

"Erm, no, but I know your boss..."

"Whatever. I'll call up and check if she'll see you. Wait here."

Before they could say anything, object, or run away in fear with their metaphorical tails tucked between their legs, she picked up the phone and jabbed at three numbers. Ed held his breath as the phone rang once (one heartbeat), twice (two heartbeats), thrice (three heartbeats).

"Yes, good morning, Ms. Cane."

Hilda paused, listening closely.

"Yes. Yes ma'am. Of course, the javelins are on their way. Yes, don't worry about him, I gagged him. No more annoying screaming tonight. No ma'am.

"... Oh? Yes, that's why I called you. Yes. I understand. Thank you, ma'am."

The secretary gently put the phone back into its cradle. She fixed the men with a steely look.

"Alright, the black police officer may go up."

"What about me?" Krauss whined.

"No."

"What? Why? Did she specifically say I'm not allowed to go up, or is this because of what I said earlier?"

"If it were about what you said earlier, you'd be hanging on a fence by your tiny balls. But no, it was Ms. Cane's orders. She said: 'If there's a pasty old fuck with him, tell him to keep his ass on the floor where it belongs'."

"Pasty old - motherfuck - I'll fucking-"

"It's okay," Ed interrupted once more. "He won't cause trouble."

Hilda raised an eyebrow.

"I'll take full responsibility," he continued.

"She said you would do that. Anyway, go ahead. Entertain her. But first, a favor for me."

"Why would we do anything for you, you oversized cocksucking sow?"

"How can we serve you?" Ed shouted over the doctor, clamping a hand over the talkative mouth.

"Serve me," Hilda mused, stroking her chin with a slender finger. "Well, your first task would be to fetch a pepperoni pizza from 'Piss Pepperoni's Pizzas and Piss'. They open at night and close at eleven in the morning. Which is in... Twenty minutes. Should be enough time for you to travel across Cleburg and come back with the pizza."

"Come on!" Ed yelped, grabbing Krauss's hand and running out of the lobby.

"Verdammte Schwuchtel, let go of my hand!"

"Sorry!"

The two skidded to a stop outside the Grand Cleburg View Hotel. Krauss was breathing heavily already. In Ed's mind, the mission was already doomed to fail. Someone was setting them up for failure. He just wasn't sure if it was the mistress of stealth or her secretary.

Either way, Ed was damned if he wasn't going to try. Six years ago, he thought there was no way his life could work out. He worked long hours at construction sites, often sleeping with an empty stomach. Then he joined the police, and six years later he was Captain Edward McLean. He liked to think his rapid promotions were due to his own work and talent. In reality, it was probably because all the higher ranked officers were either killed or driven insane, and no one else wanted to step up.

"Dr. Krauss," he said, jolting himself back to the present. "Do you have any ideas?"

The doctor scratched his head.

"Certainly. Do you take me for a fool, Captain Ed? I have small stealth helicopters scattered across the city for emergencies like this. They're strategically located such that any point in the city is accessible within three minutes. And there's a storage area specifically designed for pizza boxes."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Call the damn thing!"

"Keep your pants on, Captain Ed. We have plenty of time."

The older man raised up his lab coat's right sleeve to reveal a collection of watches strapped to his arm. He tapped at one with his finger, entering some kind of 64 digit code so swiftly Ed's eyes could barely keep up. And then he nodded.

"It's on its way."

Captain McLean paced on the concrete as they waited. He really really wanted this to work. This went farther than just saving Cleburg, went farther than saving the world, and even farther than saving humanity from eternal slavery to a civilization of ruthless barbarians. This was about proving a point. To everyone who didn't believe in him. And especially to himself.

Exactly three minutes later, a sleek black object lowered itself onto the asphalt road in front of them. The vehicle looked futuristically advanced, almost like it was a work of fiction created by an indecisive ebook writer. It was about the size of a small smart car, and the tail was as long as Edward was tall. Which wasn't a lot, but decent enough.

"Alright doctor, let's go!"

"Yeah err, I forgot to mention. It only fits one person. You have to hang on to the side."

"Or... I could wait here while you go get the pizza?"

"No, you have to come with me. The plot demands it, for action and comedic purposes."

"Huh, fair point. Let's go."

For whatever stupid reason, the police captain clamped his fingers onto the side as the mad doctor eased himself into the sleek vehicle.

"Hang on tight, du Mutter fucker!" the bag of bones bleated down at the police officer.

Ed was holding on so hard that his knuckles had turned white. As stupid as he could be sometimes, you have to admit that he can be really determined when he put his two braincells to something. And right then, his two braincells were set on getting the pizza and not disappointing the stout but pretty secretary. A few seconds later, the vehicle smoothly lifted itself off the floor, with only a soft whirring noise to convince him that it wasn't levitating. Stealthy was an understatement - this thing was like a large futuristic hummingbird. A pizza delivery hummingbird. What a strange world.

He felt his feet dangling in empty air, the bottom of his uniform trouser legs buffeted around by the playful wind, and he risked a look down. He immediately wished that he hadn't, and he might had peed his pants a little. They were already so high up in the Cleburg sky, zipping past office buildings and confused looking employees. That's all the entertainment you're getting in your 9-5 shift, fuckos.

Swallowing hard, he closed his eyes and hoped it would all end very soon. Insert sudden reveal that was only introduced because it's relevant to the current plot: Captain Edward McLean was terrified of heights. This'll be mentioned like once or twice later on to amplify already existing conflict. Remember it.

What felt like an eternity later, he felt the soles of his shoes touch lightly on warm asphalt. Edward opened his eyes, only to find himself stumbling backwards as the rest of the vehicle landed after him. He fell right on his slightly wet bum.

However, our protagonist received no time to feel indignant, or even pain, really. No time for exposition in this part of the chapter. The shrill voice of his company shredded his veil of thoughts like a sharp object cutting through a flimsy object.

"Up, Captain Ed! Up upupup! 'Piss Pepperoni's Pizzas and Piss' closes in five minutes! We need you to pay for the pizza!"

He was done questioning anything anymore, honestly. So he pulled himself to his feet, dusting the back of his pants even as he scurried after the mad scientist and into the pizza place.

'Piss Pepperoni's Pizzas and Piss' (I'd call it PPPaP but that reminds of 2016 and I'd rather not go there) was a surprisingly elegant place for its name. You'd expect there to be like, little to zero hygiene, and maybe like, pools of urine in the corners or something. But the checkerboard tiles on the floor were gleaming clean, as were the counter and tables, and most other things, like the bald scalp of the man standing behind the counter. He was round, with a red face, what you'd expect from a stereotypical pizza store owner. His nametag read "Papa Piss". If only he'd been named Mario or something more Italian.

"We're closing," Papa Piss said gruffly at the jingle of the shutting door, not even bothering to look at the odd pair that had stepped into his restaurant.

"Okay," Ed hissed at Dr. Krauss. "The first Piss in the restaurant's name makes sense now. But what the fuck is the second one supposed to stand for?"

He was completely ignored, likely because there was no available answer, and Krauss wasted no time in making his intentions clear to the chunky pizza man.

"It's for Hilda," he said simply. "Hilda as in, Ms. Cane's secretary."

"Oh," Papa Piss blinked once in surprise, then realization dawned in his eyes.

"Oh, Ms. Foster. She actually called a min't ago. Said she wan't feelin like pizza nomore. Said she was feelin cheese burger."

The doctor and the officer locked eyes, and it clear that they were sharing the same thought.

Fuck Hilda Foster.

------------------

"Here's your burger, ma'am," Ed said through grit teeth as he tossed the woman a small brown paper bag. He hated feeling like a fool. Unfortunately, it was a feeling that frequented him more often than not, always squatting over his face and taking a fat dump.

"I figured she was less likely to decapitate you with a burger wrap than a pizza box," Hilda shrugged innocently, but the twitch at the corners of her lips showed how she truly felt. "I was helping you, really. This isn't for me. It's for her."

"Could've ordered a delivery."

"Come on, Captain Ed," the doctor drawled, tugging at his sleeve.

"No one would deliver," the secretary replied. He was beginning to despise the smug look on her face. "Something about 'losing too many employees to flying pizza boxes'. So there you have it."

She tossed the paper bag back, landing right into Ed's hands.

"Let's go, Captain," Krauss insisted.

Ed glanced at the bag in his hands then at the secretary. She flashed him one last dazzling smile, practiced and professional, then turned back to her work.

He, too, turned to the elevator with the mad scientist beside him.

It was time to meet the mistress of stealth.

=====
=====

Erm... Yeah. This exists.

However, this does not mean I am back. I am still quite gone; unlike my writer's block, which so stubbornly insists on remaining.

Passing through some really rough times right now. Wish me luck :)

Soooo... I published this, knowing that it will be highly unlikely that anyone would read this. I'm working on Chapter 2 Part 2, but I have no idea when that's going to be done. No ETA yet, unfortunately, but judging by how long it took to finally post this one, I'd say... Around 10 months. Give or take.

If you're reading this, you've made me slightly happier. I hope you have an amazing day. Much love ❤️

Signing off,

- Bull